90 Day Fiancé; Season 11 Episode 1

Jessica & Juan:

Returning from a previous season of “Love in Paradise” are Juan and Jessica….You know, the girl from “Cow Poop, Wyoming” and the Colombian cruise ship bartender who met on vacation and had a baby?? Well, they’re back, and we got a glimpse into Jessica’s life in Wyoming. Her two blonde sons played a little “toss the turd” as their intro began, flinging cow poop at each other using their bare hands. Jessica looked on lovingly as she cradled “DAH-Veed”, her cruise souvenir and youngest child. Juan’s Visa had finally been approved and he was leaving his life of leisure and luxury to move to the town of eternal excrement. Jessica’s friends worried about Juan being able to handle the huge change of pace and responsibilities, from leaving his carefree life as a 12 year old bartender (Why does he look like he’s 12???) to going on diaper duty in the middle of nowhere. Jessica felt it would be a challenge, but purchased him a Carhartt jacket in the hopes of helping him fit in. I’m sensing a reverse “Paola and Russ” situation back from the olden days. The times when life was simpler…

Matt & Amani:

Matt and Amani are two very attractive people from San Diego, California, living their best married life with their two young daughters. Amani originally comes from Tunisia (No known relation to Zied) and envisioned a less traditional life for herself than what would have been available in her homeland. She met Matt, and the two claimed to really balance each other out, as she works in the tech industry, making lots of money, while Matt seems to stay home with the kids in their very expensive fancy house.

Though they seem to have it all, Matt and Amani wanted to live life by the motto, “Two’s company and Three’s a Thrupple”. They seemed to have added a third party to their marriage, their joint fiancé from Mexico, “Hany”. Matt and Amani are so serious about their additional partner that they planned on divorcing so one of them can marry her and bring her over using the K1 Visa.

They met up with their friends for a boat ride around the city to discuss their perspective Mrs. Amani told them about their upcoming trip to Mexico where they planned to meet Hany’s family and see more of her daily life. The Friends Amani/Matt were shocked to hear about the couples’ potential divorce and worried about all of the obvious flaws in their plan. One of the friends explained his own personal experience in a polyamorous relationship, which of course resulted in jealousy and didn’t last too long. We’ve all seen “Seeking Sister Wives”….we know what happens when a Latina third party enters the relationship wearing adult braces….

Shekinah & The Sarper Image:

Back in Turkey, we got a chance to catch up with the couple that won the 90 Day “Best Zoolander” superlative; Shekinah and Sarper. They were complimenting each other’s hotness as they prepared for Sarpie’s Visa interview at the embassy, which would enable him to grace the USA with a bit of his smoulder. Of course we had to sit through the obligatory rehash of their previous seasons, including but not limited to their initial meeting on international Tinder, the yucky old headboard, and Sarper’s bottle collection (conveniently forgetting about the infamous extension-pulling crisis of 2024 that almost extinguished their twin flame).

Shekinah worried that Sarper’s wit may be a bit too much for his interview-ees, though he was sure to dazzle them with his ultra-white smile and plasticized hair. She was unsure of what would happen if he was unable to get approved, since her daughter and business were in the US and she couldn’t continue commuting. After some time, Sarpie emerged and joined Shekinah at their meeting place with a somber look on his face. We’ll have to wait for next week to see if he got approved, even though we all know he did (That’s why USA temperatures have been at a record high. Sarper causes global warming).

Stevi & Mahdi:

Stevi is a good ole 37 year old Southern girl from Hattiesburg, Mississippi with a knack for painting people nude. She supplements her struggling artist salary by teaching English online to people from all across the globe. It was during class that she met a unique student, Mahdi (Pronounced “Maddie”) from Iran who was great with his “A, B C’s”…..and AB’s, like Abs. He has so many abs. Stevi was immediately smitten and after some time the two began participating in extracurricular activities (online, of course). Since it was too dangerous for Stevi to travel to Iran, the two met up in Turkey where they were engaged after one week (Standard engagement period in Turkey). They immediately applied for the K1 Visa, despite all of the obvious red flags.

While Stevi told her sisters about her new found flame, she had yet to tell her father. She feared Father Stevi’s take on her new relationship, being that he was a proud UhMeriCan (said like Angela), and knew he would be wary of a man from Iran (Which sounds like the idea for a new poem:

“I once met a man from Iran.
He came over using a plan.
On the computer he blabs, and shows off his abs,
and then out the window he ran”)

Stevi later took a ride over to her Pa’s mechanic shop under the guise of car troubles, where she broke the news about her man troubles. Father Stevi was shocked to hear of his random future Iranian son in law, especially since he was due to arrive in the country the following day. He agreed to give him a chance once he arrived, but made no promises about walking her down the aisle (I’m sure once he sees the abs he’ll be smitten too…And maybe write a haiku, this time)

Mark & Mina:

Mark is a 58 year old pilot from New Hampshire who enjoys jet setting around the world. It was on one trip to Paris that he locked eyes with Mina, a much younger mademoiselle from Paris, who is 25 years his junior. The two carried out a long distance relationship with Mark really racking up the flight time when they decided to get engaged. Right after making things official, Mina announced she was pregnant and the two welcomed their petit bon bon, Maria. Mark had two other children from his previous marriage who he was close with, his daughter Jordan and son, Jack. Mark met up with his daughter at the golf range to discuss Mina and Maria’s upcoming arrival in the US. Jordan seemed supportive, having flown to Paris to meet Mina and participate in the baby’s Baptism. Unfortunately she was put off by her future stepmother, as she felt Mina didn’t make much of an effort to get to know either her or her brother, and worried that she could possibly be a “User Moohamit”. Mark seemed shocked by Jordan’s “fots”, as he was a little late on the uptake. He was hoping Jordan would be so happy about his newly formed family, especially since Mina wanted to add yet another baby brother or sister to the clan. Jordan couldn’t believe her father’s newfound midlife crisis plan, and was hoping to figure out Mina’s true motives once she arrived.