Before the 90 Days; Season 7 Tell All Part 1

The much anticipated Tell All began with Loren in New York, speaking his mind to a flock of pigeons, Brian rolling around the city as he bad-mouthed Ingrid, and Vanja making Manhattan a bit more hot pink. Niles was anxious about meeting the other couples, as he played virtual “squishy” with Matilda over video chat from the comfort of his cab ride. Once in the studio, Brian tried to counsel Loren all about the dangers of gonorrhea, because I guess his life in the mean streets taught him a few things (Or maybe his catheter bag also has gonorrhea?). Vanja sat with Loren and Brian, as Adnan and T-lily arrived, and of course there were no handshakes allowed (Vanja was a woman, so Adnan wasn’t allowed to touch her, and Loren has cooties and no one should ever shake his hand under any circumstance).

Shaun greeted all of the couples out on the stage, excitedly announcing that Tigerlily had given birth to baby Adnanymous (Who’s name may or may not be “Bobby”). Loren came on explaining that he was now back together with Faith, although there was no longer a “fiance” title. Vanja painfully smiled next to the split screen of Bozo, who I had basically forgotten about until now. Veah appeared via satellite, explaining a drastic weight loss due to gallstones, which were why she was not able to be in the studio (Though there was no explanation for her giant papillon-like pigtails. She really filled up the entire screen). Joey was smiling while talking about “MAGmA”, admitting he was still unsure of her name. Niles sat next to the monitor version of Matilda, explaining that he was having a hard time dealing with their long distance. Brian and Ingrid were also both in attendance, despite having never spoken again after filming.

For some reason Shaun decided to start things off with Loren & Faith. Faith reluctantly admitted rekindling her online love life with Loren, but mostly because she felt like no one else would really love her for who she is, because….ladyboy. MagMa (Which I’m pretty sure is a subliminal message that stands for “Make Angela Get Michael Again”) was noticeably mad about Loren’s cheating scandals, but she also thinks waving to someone 6 years prior to a relationship could be considered cheating. While everyone was jumping down Loren’s icky oozy throat, Shaun brought out his friend Esther to explain his actions. Esther discussed Loren’s need for constant love and attention, as she divulged that his original trip to the Philippines actually started because of yet ANOTHER person. This first online prospect claimed to also be trans, and managed to scam Loren out of all of his money that he doesn’t even have. With a ticket to the “Peens” already in his yucky hands, Loren decided to look for real love in the region and found Faith. Throughout this segment, Loren overshared many things, such as he likes to “drink pee” during “sexy time”, he sleeps with all of his friends, and is extremely gullible (Stay away from Sojaboy…or maybe don’t. I’d enjoy watching him go to Nigeria….I wonder if they call them “Lady-YahooBoys in Nigeria..). He seemed to be currently committed to making things work with Faith, so much so that he vowed to eat out of the garbage so he could continue to send her and her family money and supplies. Brian questioned if Faith was simply sticking things out with the leaky loser for the “perks” he was sending, to which she added they were only a bonus (Getting gonorrhea must be the real prize).

Once everyone was sufficiently nauseous, Shaun turned the attention to Vanja. They discussed her initial relationship with Bozo, which undeniably had romantic intentions before her arrival. Vanja and Bozo argued back and forth about the real reason why he didn’t give their relationship a fair shake, with Bozo attempting to be funny, but missing the mark every time. Joey Boombots weighed in on the situation, suggesting that Bozo must have had another girlfriend during Vanja’s visit, which seemed to be the most likely explanation. Vanja admitted that she was contacted by Bozo’s ex/current girlfriend, providing “receipts” in the form of text messages, where she had asked about the nature of their relationship. Instead of clarifying if he had secretly had another girlfriend, Bozo made some awkward comment and vanished from the screen, only to be replaced by a dumpster-picked house plant.

Next on the agenda were Tigerlily and Adnan, who were trying their best to pretend their marriage was perfect. They gushed over their new tiny addition, as the 22 year old patriarch of the family discussed his new life in the U.S. The rest of the cast questioned why Adenoids was so controlling, with Vanja leading the charge. Aderal insisted that he doesn’t control or demean Tigerlily, as he hurled insults at the rest of the cast. Niles in particular had a hard time dealing with his attitude, insisting that Tigerlily wasn’t even able to speak freely or answer questions, as Adnan kept doing all of the talkings. He then agreed to leave the set, as to let T-Lil’ (Her rap name, should Adnan ever choose to let her pursue that with her fantastic voice and all) answer everyone’s burning questions. Backstage, Brian and Niles were trying to encourage Adnan to relax a bit and pull back his macho man act. He of course mocked them both, which most likely led up to the infamous coming attraction preview for next week of Niles attempting to get in his face. Back on stage Shaun moved on to Niles and Matilda, who were still waiting for their Visa to be approved despite being $4000 short on cash. Brian was quick to ask Matilda if she was just using Niles to get to the USA, but she maintained she loved him for all of his squishiness, and wouldn’t mind if he came over to Ghana for good. Looking forward to the Niles/Jerry Springer crossover in next week’s installment!