90 Day Fiancé- Before the 90 Days; Season 7 Episode 13:

Joey Baggadonuts & Madna:

Back in Poland, the two were still getting acclimated ad learning each other in person…which included their names. MagDUH was confused as to why she was being called a combination of MagNUH or MaDNAM, which seemed to blow Joey’s mind. She was so smitten with the Italian stallion that she felt he could call her whatever he wanted….I’m voting Magma. Sounds fiery. They then hit the town in their matching Nike sneakers, stopping to have some authentic pierogies. MagDUH made it clear that she didn’t intend to sleep with Joey on the first night, but who knows?? Maybe he’ll get lucky with MagNUH. The first morning, however, Shmoey Joey awoke alone in the AirBNB’s spare bedroom and made his way over to visit with Madda. The two laid on the bed together discussing her timeline, which she announced included waiting for intimacy until she received a proposal. Joe-Blow wasn’t sure if this waiting game was his bag-a-donuts, but he wanted to see where things would go.
The first activity MagNa/Da had planned for them was to make traditional Polish “Obwarzanek”, which is a sort of bagely-pretzel, and not some kind of Star Wars character. After rolling dough into long phallic shapes and making several “penes” jokes, they were got to eat and enjoy their heart-shaped snacks. After class they hit up a vodka bar in an older section of town, where MadNuh decided to put pressure on Mighty Joe Young about getting engaged. She brought up the fact that he had slept with someone else during their initial phone courtship, and questioned his dedication to their relationship. Joey was a little taken aback by MagNUh’s rush to be so committed, especially because he can’t even pronounce or remember her name. (I vote that he only pronounces her name like Dr. Evil saying “Liquid Mag-Mah” for the rest of the season).

Niles & Matilda:

Back in Ghana, Niles and Matilda were enjoying a little room service as they discussed the upcoming meeting with the infamous “Mr. Arc”. Matilda expected Niles to meet and greet the town elder so he could ask for his help with the “Knock Door” ceremony.
Niles nervously greeted Mr. Arc, hoping he would agree to be his right hand man….which, unfortunately was impossible, as Mr. Arc was missing his right hand, and instead had a big wooden log replacing it. Niles felt horrible for mistakenly trying to shake the cartoonish fake hand, but Mr. Arc seemed unphased, as this tends to happen to him during most business dealings, arm wrestling competitions, and “patty cakes”. He explained that it was impossible to break the Ghana wedding traditions into a two-part situation, and insisted that the couple either did both the Knock Door AND wedding ceremony, or nothing at all. Niles asked to speak with his new found father figure privately, questioning what requirements were needed for each phase of the wedding procedures. Mr Arc informed him that there was no need for a big fancy shmancy “knock door” ceremony, as Matilda had mentioned, and it could be quite simple and possibly free. Niles began to feel like he was being taken advantage of, and now questioned Matilda’s motives.
Once back with Matilda, he accused her of lying to him and using his Autism and naivety to her advantage. Matilda felt hurt and betrayed that Niles would think this way, claiming she had never asked him for a dime. Previews for next week look a little rocky as the two determine if they will go through with their wedding plans. Hopefully Mr. Arc will be able to lend a hand, if they do…

Vanja & Bozo:

Vanja was still crying on the streets of Croatia, after Bozo told her to spend the rest of her trip alone. The Friends Bozo didn’t really understand why he was giving her such a cold shoulder, especially since she had seemed like a nice and fairly normal person. Bozo attempted to talk to her outside, but she wasn’t having it. The two parted ways, seeming like this was the shortest 90 Day relationship in history.
The following day however, Vanja agreed to meet up with her Croatian clown-friend who tried to convince her that they had always been “just friends”. Unfortunately the “friendly chat” only made things worse, as Vanja felt like Bozo was making her feel crazy. She abruptly left, hopefully sticking him with the bill, before possibly hitting up the international Tinder app for one last chance. I felt like they were put on the roster late in the game to fill in for Chidi & RayNay’s 5 minute relationship, but I think they were even shorter lived. Is this what we have to look forward to now? 2 episode relationships?

Brian & Ingrid:

It was date night back in Recife, as Ingrid wheeled her date up the ramp to the restaurant table to meet his friend, coincidentally also named Brian. Friend Brian had hoped that creepy Brian had finally found the right woman, which of course was impossible, given his icky factor. Creep Brian disclosed that his most recent divorce (which was number FOUR), was still not finalized. Friend Brian had to standby listening to Creep-Brian try and make Ingrid feel stupid and crazy for not remembering his lies about his age, and marital status. This had been the first time Ingrid had heard about the 3 previous divorces (Which you’d figured would have come up during their 2 years of conversing long distance). Obviously Ingrid should just roll him off the ramp and get out of there, stat.

Faith & Leaky Loren:

Well Loren was back this week, spending the rest of his $48 on more meat on a stick. As he chowed down on some squiggly chicken intestines, Loren tried his best to suck up to Faith so she would change their relationship status. Faith decided to come around and reinstate their couplehood, inevitably agreeing to catch the “illness of the wh0re$”. Loren didn’t want to waste another moment, as he cultivated a fail-proof plan for the two to be together forever. Since same-sex marriage isn’t legal in the Philippines, he figured he could just marry Mother Faith so he could obtain a Visa and stay put as a leaky local. Of course this was off putting to Faith, who squinted at him as he spoke, but never slapped him, left the table, or stopped speaking to him, as one might do when in this situation……
Later that night they all went back to the family house for a little karaoke fun (But never passed 10pm, or the cops come and take you away. Those Philippines jails are just full of rebel karaoke singers!). After a few rounds of “It’s Raining Men”, Loren proposed his idea of marriage to Mother Faith. Though she was flattered, Mom felt Loren wasn’t really her type, and squashed all of his dreams. Faith began to question if Loren was just using her for a Filipino citizenship (The good ole REVERSE 90 Day Fiance maneuver), but decided to continue being his girlfriend anyway, even agreeing to leak his lips on to hers. Looks like next week they are headed for trouble yet again, as Faith’s friends catch Loren flirting with someone, who could potentially be the next victim of “the illness of the wh0re$”.

Sunny & OyVey-ha:

Sunny was still upset over his recent run-in with Rory (Try saying that 3x’s fast). Veah whined in her Kermit the frog voice, attempting to get him to realize that he was the unibrow of her dreams. That’s it. There is absolutely no more. He needs a tweezer and she needs some therapy.