90 Day Fiance; Before the 90 Days, Season 7 Episode 3

Chidi & Ray-Nay:

Rayne had a rough first night acclimating to the Nigerian humidity, so she decided to stress-clean the house with a tiny broom. She waited for Chidi to wake up (Conveniently appearing wearing a shirt that said “Awake”), as they went to the kitchen so he could cook breakfast. Though Chidi claimed to know his way around a kitchen, it was somewhat anxiety producing watching him almost cut and burn himself multiple times because of his vision issues. Maybe he should just use the microwave and plastic knives… Rayne pretended to enjoy his culinary debut, lapping up what might have been eggs, but who knows, he could have really grabbed anything and thrown it in there.

Later on they finally left the compound and headed off towards the marketplace, escorted by Victoria, aka Chidi’s sister. RayNay was so excited to be the guide dog, but was stopped in her tracks by big Sis, who wanted to teach her the ropes. Since their part of Nigeria tends to be a busy, bustling place with uneven terrain and rogue wildlife, Sister Victoria felt the need to lead the way herself. Rayne seemed to enjoy her shopping experience at first….that is, until it came time to purchase a chicken for dinner. She chit-chatted happily with her fowl friend until she realized he was about to be dinner. Rayne’s whole face seemed to change, as she threatened to get violent if they killed her new “buddy” (It was the kind of mood shift Nigeria hadn’t seen since Angela ripped the bumper off of Mykol’s car). Ironically Rayne admitted that she loves to eat chicken, just not the kind she befriends first. She refused to be the judge and jury for her fine feathered friends, as she angrily stomped off, talking to herself all the while. Sister Victoria was alarmed by RayNay’s irrational behavior and mood swing, and felt it was a big blaring red flag that her brother obviously failed to see.

Chidi tried to lighten the mood by suggesting they leave the market so Rayne could calm down, only to rile her right back up. He finally broke the news that he had taken a vow of celibacy due to his religion, which was obviously news to RuhKnay. She felt thrown for a loop, and even admitted she wouldn’t have trekked across the world had she known she wasn’t getting any action and would have to be part of a whole chicken “Marie Antoinette” situation. I’m under the impression that Nigeria should just have hidden cameras everywhere, as the in-fighting between the Meemaws and Yahoo Boys could be its own reality series; “Nigeria’s Most Unwanted”

Tigerlily & Adenoids:

Back in Jordan it was finally time for foreplay (Aka, the religious wedding that would allow Adnan to finally punch his V card). Tigerlily looked slightly terrified as she met all of the Brothers Adnan as well as her new Mother-in-law, who she awkwardly greeted before the ceremony. They all sat down for the exchanging of vows, which were thrust upon T-lily, who maintained her perfect baby-voice despite her extreme confusion. After all of the technicalities were out of the way, the couple exchanged rings and raced off to the hotel room to seal the deal.

The next morning the newlyweds looked a bit disheveled, still reeling over their first night as husband and wife. Adnan was happy he wouldn’t be a 40 year old virgin, while Tigerlily used her best Kardashian voice to try and convince him that it was the greatest night of her life. They headed over to the breakfast table of the fancy shmancy hotel for a little room service/ hair service combination. Since Tigerlily had given her hairstylist the day off, she called the hotel to send someone up, not realizing it would be Summit’s stunt double. Adnan immediately became jealous, eyeing the poor hair slave as he tackled Tigerlily’s tangled weave. She did her best to reassure her new SunMoonAndStars that the strange man was merely a hair servant, but he made sure to keep a watchful eye. It was at that moment that Tigerlily started questioning if her dreamy 22 year old was possibly a bit possessive and wished she would have googled “What is Muslim” before she did this whole thing.

Later on the couple headed to meet up with the Family NonAlcoholics Adnan-amous (Because they can’t drink, Tigerlily. You’re like the “Kenny” of Islam), where they enjoyed a small wedding reception. She was overwhelmed meeting all of his aunts, uncles, brothers, and cousins as they hand fed her warm palm-sweated meat and rice like she was in a petting zoo. As the Brothers Adnan tried to get to know her more, they asked about where the couple planned to live, assuming they would settle down locally. Tigerlily was somewhat shocked to hear her brand new husband sound like he was considering the idea, being that she thought they were going to live in the U.S. (But I’m sure they never bothered to talk about it, since they were too busy telling each other how “hot” they were in baby voices).

Sunny & Veah:

Hailing from Durban, South Africa was a new character, 25 year old Sunny. He is originally from Bangladesh but moved to South Africa to assist his father at the family quickie mart. As we watched Sunny meander around a spice market, he explained to the vendor that he was shopping for a special occasion; The arrival of his girlfriend, Veah (Pronounced “Vey-Huh” and not “Renee”). Sunny explained that the two met on an *clears throat* INTERNATIONAL DATING APP, where he was immediately drawn to her two-tone hair and light eyes. He told his spicy friend (which is really just a friend at the spice market) about Veah’s difficult childhood, living in the foster care system, and the way the two bonded over their past traumas. Spicy Friend reminded Sunny that he often claims to be “Mother Debbie Done” with Veah, since she has occasionally broken up with him for her ex-boyfriend, Rory. Though he knew they had their ups and downs, Sunny felt committed to his long distance love and wanted to finally meet in person.

Back in Orlando, we met Oy-Veyuh, who looked very different without her photo filter (She was Rebecca’s protege). She explained her love for Sunny and his one eyebrow, and looked forward to meeting him in person, despite their lover’s spats. Fearing that she might end up alone in South Africa, she decided it would be a good idea to bring her ex boyfriend Rory, because what could really go wrong?! (Btw, I already find these two completely uninteresting and it’s only the first episode).

Brian & Ingrid:

The two were still in the process of leaving the airport this week, as Brian asked Ingrid to help him install hand controls on his rental car. Though he was doing all he could to try and make himself look as independent and capable as possible, it was still quite difficult for him to rig up the car alone. Ingrid claimed not to mind lending a hand, except for the fact that it broke her nails (A definite downside of the relationship already). The two rolled out to the hotel, where Ingrid decided to scrub up in her shower cap, as Brian geared up for the opportunity to get lucky. He pre-gamed with one of Gino’s little blue pills, hiding a few others around the room in case he needed backup.

After Ingrid came out of the shower and changed into one of Brian’s oversized t-shirts, signaling she was ready to get “comfortable” for the evening, he decided he’d make her his aide instead. In the least sexy way possible, Brian asked her to help him get undressed and into the shower. Not for a steamy “First night in Brazil” type of shower, but more of a “watch me change my catheter” type, which is only sexy in certain circles. He explained the intricacies of how he pees, and even made sure to perform all of his peepee procedures by the bedside, so Ingrid could watch(Though to me, that seems like at least a third date activity). Brian may have taken the blue pill, but the whole “catheter demonstration” thing was a bit of a boner killer that no little blue pill could fix.

Loren & Faith Hill:

Back in (the) Philippines, Loren was creepily staring at his new ladyboy as they headed back to her hotel home. She had booked Loren his own room, as she was waiting to get a better feel for him in person to decide if she wanted to take things to the next level. The two went out for some authentic street cuisine, where Faith introduced Loren to bone marrow broth (Which was only slightly better than eating shrimp in the bathroom). As they dined on the marrow of others’ bones, Loren decided it was a perfect time to whip out his stupid “Girlfriend test” for Faith to take. She humored him by agreeing to read the questions, but admitted it was the dumbest things ever, and yet somehow continued on with the date. Faith explained in more detail her desire to take things slow (even slower now that she looked at the Girlfriend pop quiz), though Loren was hoping to get lucky with his bone marrow breathe. The whole thing feels like sex tourism meets The Hangover, and it’s a weird crossover. With bone marrow.