Before the 90 Days; Season 7 Episode 2

Rayne & Chidi:

As the big trip to Nigeria grew closer, Rayne made sure to pack her most come-hither underwear (With the approval of one of her favorite chickens, of course). She spun around her 1970’s canopy bed, dreamily chatting about her upcoming intimate encounters with Chidi. She felt he was truly her last hope in the romance department (Which was probably true, based on the massive Troll doll collection displayed in her bedroom. Nothing sets the mood like a Troll doll). Rayne had a tearful goodbye with her kids as she set out towards the airport, discussing some of her fears about going to Nigeria. Word on the street is that one might get “A$$ Worms” from eating dirty food there (Though I would only worry about losing a pinky toe, and would recommend refraining from wearing Adidas slides to the livestock market and then sticking your foot in a Nigerian toilet. Don’t believe me? Ask BabyGirl Lisa).

Back in Nigeria, Chidi nervously headed off to the airport with his brother in law, smiling ear to ear just thinking about meeting Rayne for the very first time. He waited nervously for her to emerge at the baggage claim, sniffing the air for a “chicken crap” scent to identify his true love in person. Rayne was first spotted by Bother-in-law-Chidi, who directed her towards her beloved, as the two finally connected with a big sweaty, messy hug and kiss. Rayne felt like Chidi was equally as sexy in person, while Chidi seemed pleased that she was “More Bigee”, not slim- Just the way he likes his chicken ladies. Brother In Law Chidi had endured enough of the two’s awkward chit-chat (Or “Chid-chat, if it’s Chidi specific), as he hastily ushered them back to his double parked car so they could head home. Rayne continued to hit on Chidi, even getting a bit handsy, as she followed him out the door in her weird rolled up pants and yellow socks/sneakers/sweaty bangs combo…..(But does it matter??? No!)

During the drive, Rayne filled the silence with random comments about the scenery, making several unfiltered observations, which were only tolerable to her carmates since she was new in town. She was so happy to finally be with Chidi in person, but couldn’t wait to get her new boy toy alone. Once back at the house, Rayne got to meet the entire Family Chidi, including his sister and nieces/nephews. They gave her the obligatory house tour, which included her very own bedroom. Of course this was news to Rayne, who anticipated that the couple would be staying together and having sexy time, and she immediately felt rejected. Previews for next week show things going south fast, as one of the first tourist destinations includes chicken slaughtering, and Rayne becoming possessed by demons. Maybe she can call Meemaw for a hotel recommendation in the area…

Tigerlily & Adenoids:

Under the cover of night, Tigerlily schlepped her many overpacked bags into the Uber on her way to Jordan to meet her new fiance. She was met at the airport by her hairstylist and his assistant who would be accompanying her as her glamsquad/”plus 2” to her own wedding.

Back in Jordan, we got to meet Adnan, who was whooping it up with his buddies before the big wedding day. They took turns washing him at the ritual bathhouse and giving him relationship advice that he clearly didn’t feel he needed. Adnon discussed all of the important things he loved about Tigerlily, such as her body, lips, eyes, and outfit choices, and admitted he wanted to rush into marrying her so he could lose his virginity and still be within the guidelines of Islam. He made sure to stop by “Foxy Fop” (the best barbershop in town), where like all barber shops around the world, men go to gossip. The brothers Adnon questioned his decision to marry someone so quickly (As they both scratched their male pattern baldness…watching their youngest brother’s mane’s longevity quickly fading), and were not surprised to hear that he seemed to be doing this on a whim. Adnon discussed his expectations that Tigerlily would follow his lead and refrain from handshakes and general conversations with other men once they were wed, but figured they’d work out the details later (Which always works out well).

While en route (potentially in first class), Tigerlily’s beauty team worked overtime to give her the “first class” treatment, curling and primping her for her Adnon debut. Upon landing, Tigerlily and Co. took an hour and a half primping to perfection, pulling the old “Darcey” spray down maneuver in the airport bathroom. Adnon patiently waited on the other side of the baggage claim, questioning if she had changed her mind. Finally Tigerlily appeared, wearing a strappy naked-ish leather top and skin tight pants, as the two hugged and even partook in a “top of the head” kiss. (It was 55% Haram). Tigerlily and crew jumped into the car with Adnon, who raced out of the parking lot to bring the tag-alongs to their hotel. Unfortunately there were also crickets in the car, as the betrothed couple seemed to have little to nothing to talk about. It was surprising to the glamsquad, who tried desperately to make conversation, only to reveal that Adnon was anticipating having 5 children and planned to spend a lot of time back at home with his family in Oman
Despite the new initial shock and overwhelm, the two went back to the hotel to freshen up for their immediate wedding ceremony. After inspecting and approving Tigerlily’s outfit, the fiances drove to the mosque where they were to make things official so they could consummate their relationship. Tigerlily was surprised to find out that her soon to be mother and brothers in law would be in attendance, and was complaining in the most high pitched baby voice. (Did these two ever talk during their long distance relationship or just communicate in emojis??) Of course this is going to work out….

Loren & Faith:

Loren packed his skinny little boy jeans and headed off to the airport on his quest to meet Faith. Meanwhile back in the Philipines… We had the pleasure of meeting Faith ourselves, who happens to be a self proclaimed “ladyboy”, hotel manager, puppeteer, makeup artist, magician extraordinaire! Faith explained that she was born as a boy named Rodnie, but was heavily inspired by the Shania Twain song “Man I Feel Like A Woman”. She liked to dress up and compete in pageants, even scoring the title of “Miss Shiny Hair”, sponsored by Pantene Pro V, Philippines. Though she was comfortable with her life makeover, she admitted that dating could be a bit challenging. That’s why Faith felt like she hit the jackpot when she met her American loverboy Loren, who was to be her first real boyfriend. Faith met up with two of her friends to discuss her upcoming meeting. They were very curious to hear more details about what was in his pants and bank account. Faith admitted that the two hadn’t really discussed finances, but she had noticed that Loren had a number of side hustles (And this coming from a makeup artist/magician/underwater basketweaver).

Faith made sure to get in a close shave before heading out to the airport. As she applied her makeup, she basked in the glory of her “Miss Shiny Hair” winning plaque, before heading out of her hotel home. She waited nervously, checking in with her makeup as she blotted her sweat relentlessly with a towel. Loren emerged looking like a bus boy in his black collared shirt and pants, excitedly hugging Faith. She greeted him with a “magical rose”, seeming hopeful about the relationship. She expressed her need to take things slowly, especially in the physical department, as this was her first serious relationship and she wanted everything to fall into place. If by “fall into place” she means hooking up with a guy who eats shrimp whole in the bathroom and hates monogamy, then I think she’s all set!

Brian & Ingrid:

As Brian rolled along his journey to Brazil, we got to meet Ingrid, who showed off her cowgirl side as she rode bareback through her rural hometown. Ingrid met up with her friend Vilany (Who’d better be the villain of the show, and not just a clever name), to discuss her first-time jitters. It seemed that Ingrid failed to mention to her BFF that Brian was in a wheelchair, which she seemed to nervously pretend wouldn’t be an issue. Ingrid explained her prior failed relationships, claiming that all she is currently looking for is a good guy who will be honest, and won’t walk out on her (I’m guessing that won’t be an issue).

She tried on a few outfits to find the right look and nervously headed to the airport. Brian propped himself up and boldly headed out, rolling right into her arms. The two had an emotional hug, as she seemed somewhat unphased by his reality, and they headed out towards the car with Brian doing his best to lead the way. They got back to their hotel room, where previews suggest he borrowed one of Gino’s little blue pills. I guess next week we’ll get to see how that all wet down, and hopefully no one had an aneurysm.