90 Day Fiance; Happily Ever After Season 8 Tell All Parts 1-3

This season’s Tell All took a bit of a new approach, having all of the couples bunk up together in some mansion in New Jersey (I guess the one for the “Jersey Shore” reunions was available, they just gave Big Ed the “Smush” room). Each couple slowly trickled into their new surroundings, with PatNThighs arriving first. They chose the largest bedroom with the biggest pillows for Patrick’s tiny head, which angered none other than Jasmine. She arrived wearing her “Miss Dollar Tree” sash from the pageant, hoping to get the penthouse suite with two beds so she and Gino wouldn’t have to sleep together. Emily showed up looking VERY pregnant, while Kobe chatted away with the other husbands at the bar. Liz made an appearance alone, anxiously awaiting Ed’s arrival as it would be the first time the two would see each other post taco-pasta-gate. She discussed her breakup afterglow just before Ed waddled his way into the kitchen, crying what Jasmine called “Cocodile tears” over his emotional reunion with Liz (Or maybe because he still couldn’t find a cleaning lady..hard to tell with him). Loren and Alexei arrived to really liven up the party, along with Sophie and Rob, who’s relationship status is still floating in the neither-land. The couples all had a chance to drink and relax, as they received the bad news that Angela and Michael would not be in attendance, thus canceling the evening’s entertainment. After the fun filled first evening of cohabitation, everyone was required to report to the NYC studio for the first installment of the Tell All.

Jasmine and Gino led the drama, as they had some huge fight in the studio while Jasmine was dressed like a substitute teacher from 1996. Emily and Kobe listened from their fitting room while wearing matching pajamas, and invited Jasmine to come in and escape the Mad Hatter for a while. As a few of the castmates waited in the green room for the shenanigans to begin, they were stunned to see Mykol live and in the flesh. He happily greeted everyone before Angela came trailing in behind, sporting her shiny burgundy jumpsuit paired with her pink crown that outshined Jasmine’s pageant attire any day of the week. She hung on every word Mykol uttered to the rest of the cast, pouncing on him as he spoke. Meemaw made it her mission to expose his latest scandal, having recently caught him talking to a woman from New Jersey, proving his “User Moohamit” status. The crew went on to set, nervously waiting to see what Angela’s next move would be. Shaun led the charge, asking how the giant 90 Day Slumber party went down. The couples all did their mini intros before delving into the whole Liz and Ed drama. The two exes sat calmly next to each other, with Liz wearing orange and Ed in light blue (Reminiscent of the iconic “Dumb & Dumber“ formalwear, and yet so fitting). Ed tried to blame the “taco pasta” breakup on Liz and her alleged bad temper, taking no personal responsibility, as they rewatched some of their cringiest moments. Mother Liz even came on stage to take her turn yelling at Ed, condemning him to purgatory (which is where we all are living, having to watch him every season). At the end of the segment, Liz was joined by her new boyfriend, Jayson, who gushed over Big Ed’s leftovers and flaunted their new found love. Boyfriend Jayson downplayed Liz’s mood swings, and claimed to eat tacos completely separately from pasta.
The attention then moved to Jasmine and Gino who were currently in an even worse place in their relationship than usual. Jasmine felt alone in the US, claiming that Gino was controlling and mean, while Gino felt Jasmine was unappreciative for all of the many things he had done for her. Cousin Dana (the man) and his wife Michelle came on, surprisingly defending Jasmine, who teared up when discussing the couples’ broken sex life. Gino made his signature confused faces as he squirmed in his chair, defending his sexual prowess. He blamed his lack of drive on his body’s reaction to Jasmine’s constant yelling and fighting, and didn’t seem to have any ideas on how to possibly desire her again. Shaun referenced Jasmine’s claim that Gino was addicted to pornography as a possible reason for their lack of love-life, though Gino begged to differ. Jasmine admitted she had come across some videos on Gino’s computer of his previous “sugar baby’s” home footage, which triggered yet another screaming match between the two. After the first segment ended, Jasmine tried to talk to Gino backstage in an attempt to save their pointless marriage. Ed seemed to find Liz’s new beau “cute”, and wished him the best of luck dealing with Liz, in his infamous passive-aggressive tone.
The whole crew loaded up on a bus and went back to their New Jersey home where Mykol and Angela descended. Loren tried to butt in and personally counsel Mykol, encouraging him to show Angela a little extra attention and affection. Unfortunately his attempts were met with Meemaw fury, as Angela went wild, screaming and cursing at him while Loren cried, making it all about herself. Everyone in the house stood silently as Hurricane Ang blew through the foyer, eventually pausing so Ed could try and steal the show. Ed awkwardly made his way to the dining room table where Liz and Jayson were sitting with a few others, and called his sister on speaker phone as an alibi to clear up the “taco pasta” caper once and for all. Ed’s sister (Who ironically is also named Liz) confirmed that ex-fiance Liz was “emotional” and raised her voice towards Ed when the pasta clashed with the tacos, and not absolutely insane and out of control, as he had claimed. After absolutely no one wanted to deal with him, Ed found an ally in Angela, as the two sat together by the bar, commiserating and hyping each other up. Angela got more and more fired up to the point where she chased Mykol up the staircase, her crown never wavering, as a possible crime scene ensued. She got into Mykol’s face, coming dangerously close to pile- driving him off of the mansion’s balcony as the rest of the cast looked on. She claimed that Mykol once said “All women are stupid”, which really set her into a tizzy, as she stormed off to smoke by the pool, with Alexei stepping up to counsel her. Back inside, a few of the ladies gathered around in a huddle to talk about their seccks lives. Jasmine requested detailed information from Liz on how sex with Ed was physically possible, while Thighs and Sophie nonchalantly disclosed details of their romance, or lack thereof. Liz and her boyfriend Jayson (Who spells his own name wrong) were over the top, trying to make their relationship seem perfect to make Ed jealous…. Imagine that. Mykol was being consulted by none other than Rob, who tried to encourage him to stand up for himself, but was interrupted by Angela, who came in hot, once again screaming and sentencing him to yet another night on the couch.

The next morning was yet another day at the office as everyone trickled into the studio for the second Tell All filming day, seemingly hungover. While sitting for hair and makeup, Loren instigated a fight with Ed, as she was bothered that he had called her a “bottom feeder” in some interview awhile back (And because she was getting lost in the shuffle and needed to stay relevant, let’s be honest). She got more and more worked up, screaming at him, and eventually getting in his face, before Alexei, the human bandaid stepped in to reel her back. Mykol and Angela stumbled in with the hostility radiating throughout the building. Kobe tried to neutralize the situation, but was only met with more Angger (That’s Angela-Anger. It’s a different type). Angela stomped outside to smoke in the snow, not letting Mykol get a single word in edgewise. Manuel and Gino had an awkward moment discussing their favorite porn websites, while Jasmine looked like some kind of Red Light District Cinderella. Once Shaun arrived on set, the cast recapped their evening and morning drama, which included Angela screaming, Ed being Ed, Liz trying to make Ed rue the day he ever mixed Mexican and Italian food, and Ashley trying to pretend she is in any way qualified to counsel anyone. Angela’s daughter Skyla made an appearance, and agreed that Mykol had been a lazy roommate who had lied about performing some of his household chores. She felt it was in her mama’s best interest to break things off, as the alternative would likely result in a jail sentence. The third installment picked up where we left off, with Skyla and Angela in agreement that Mykol is a liar. Ang became very emotional, explaining that she knew bringing Mykol to the states was a bad idea, especially when she found out he was speaking with another woman in New Jersey named “Cheetah”, the cheese that makes you go Crunch. Mykol did his best to justify his role in the “Paradise Men” WhatsApp facebook group, claiming he was just trying to learn the ins and outs of the Visa process. A few of the other foreign partners talked about their experiences in various Visa groups, which made Mykol feel slightly vindicated.

Unfortunately Angela then admitted she had hired Todd, the private investigator (At the Chinese buffet), who made his Tell All debut. The PI revealed that Mykol had not one but 2 Instagram accounts, and was in fact continuously conversing with Cheetah Cheetah Pumpkin Eatah (As Brother John would pronounce it). Mykol wrote off his cheetah-chats as part of his “Paradise Men moderator” duties, but had less to say about another woman he was speaking with. Ultimately the private investigator did not find any evUHdense of a Mykol cheating scandal (At least not enough to fill a binder). Angela’s foul mood remained unchanged, as she was convinced he was still up to no good, and that her P.I. might have been too full of MSG from the Chinese buffet where she met him to have done his thorough research. The attention then turned to Pat N Thighs, who discussed Thais’s recent boob job which were only slightly more biggie. Thais revealed that she may not want another baby for a long time, if at all, which was news to Pattycakes. Brother John came on to lighten the mood and get the Pah-ty Stah-ted. He defended his actions in Brazil when cursing out the Friend Thais, leading to Thais accusing BroJo of being disrespectful to her. She cried, as Patrick sat like a tiny baby-headed deer in headlights, unsure of who to side with. The two argued back and forth over each other’s behavior, before agreeing that things will most likely stay the same. The attention turned towards Rob the Knob and Sophie, who stated that although their breakup had stuck, they were still “hanging out”. Sophie admitted the two were not intimate, while Rob revealed that Sophie rarely flushes the toilet (Which is probably how he knew she used so much toilet paper). Shaun played a clip of Sophie and her “bestie” Kaye discussing her bi sexuality that we had to hear about all of last season, and Soph revealed she had previously hooked up with women. Kaye came aboard to discuss the couple’s non-existent relationship, encouraging them to finally break up and end this exercise in futility. Ashley went all-in on #TeamRob, feeling that Sophie was prolonging the inevitable breakup and hanging around just enough to keep him in limbo.

After the crying and yelling, Shaun dismissed the “kids” back to their Jersey mansion so the drama could have a nice change of scenery. Back at the house, the crew was still stuck on Sophie’s “toilet flushing” scandal, so they raced up the stairs to see if she had indeed left a specimen. It appeared that Rob had been last at the commode (As noted by the toilet seat’s upright position, which could technically go on Sophie’s own personal list of bathroom grievances). Ed proposed they all went for a little hot tub session, which is basically how a hard boiled egg is made (The kind with the icky slimy green center). Thighs seemed the most bothered by the Mucinex blob this time, as he managed to make some stupid comment that provoked her to splash him with the water that they were mutually marinating in. John arrived on the scene with a case of “beyuh” in hand, since he’s only a supporting charac-tuh and doesn’t get free drinks. Tune in for 2 more episodes of “The Real World; 90 Day Edition”, where Loren and Alexei think they’re too cool for school, Ashley thinks she needs to take everyone to school, Sophie keeps ruining the plumbing, Ed pisses off characters who barely spoke 2 words the whole season, Gino and Jasmine breakup and makeup, Emily might fake labor to leave, and Angela just might commit a felony. Sounds like a good time…