Happily Ever After; Season 8 Episode 17

Patrick & Thighs:

Well it’s Episode 17 and we haven’t even gotten to baby Aleesi’s first birthday party…No pony rides. No face painting. Something tells me she’ll be 27 before we even see a freaking balloon.

Pat, Thighs, Dreamy Carlos/Father Thighs, and BroJo piled into the tiny rental car to head on their mini family vacation to further deter them from their original storyline. As they drove on, John was confused with all of the Pah-Chu-Geez talk, as Patrick used minimal effort to translate. They finally reached their vacation rental, where John and Carlos instantly bonded over a delicious beverage served in a coconut. Patrick and Thighs were so confused by the newly blossoming bromance, since the two didn’t speak the same language. Little did they know, booze IS the universal language (Sorry Rosetta Stone).

Once they settled into their latest residence, the whole crew headed out across a rickety pier to reach a floating hang out spot. Thais, who is apparently deathly afraid of water, practically crawled across the makeshift bridge like the girl from The Ring, long flowing black hair and everything (Meanwhile, Patrick with his bionic leg managed to make it across just fine, even while holding the Pomeranian). 
Patrick was getting a little jealous of Father Carlos and BroJo’s relationship, wondering why he and Papadukes were having such a hard time bonding. Pat continued struggling to make small talk instead of just offering him a beer. Finally Brother John is winning SOMEONE ovah! Father Carlos will be speaking Paw chug-ease with a Bawstuhn accent by the end of the trip to Gilligan’s Island. 

Meemaw & Mykol in the USA!!!:

Back in Hazelhurst…
An unsuspecting Skyla was home with the “grids” doin’ some “schoolin’ “, when Meemaw made her surprise entrance. Everyone was so happy she was home, especially the dog who played dead and their life sized Pennywise statue (The clown from Stephen King’s “IT”, which really tied the room together. I MUST get the name of her interior decorator). Angela sat down at the table to discuss the Mykol situation with her family, with Skyla remaining skeptical about his intentions and if he would ever manage to come over. Angela played it cool, continuing to jabber on, when there was a loud knock on the door..
The grids all ran over to see who popped over to admire their home decor, and were shocked when they saw Papa Mykol standing there. They all surrounded him with hugs, as Skyla reluctantly sauntered over, proceeding with caution. Angela tried to encourage her daughter to give her “Papa” (Who she may be the same age as) a hug, while Skyla rolled her eyes and tried to be polite.  
Due to the late hour, Mykol got the abridged house tour, which ended in their new marital bedroom. Angela’s room was straight out of an episode of Hoarders, which she blamed on the demands of filing the K1 Visa that she has been undertaking for the last 7 years or so (So it was basically 7 years worth of mess). She made it clear to Mykol that she expected his help and support with the kids and household chores of keeping the house stocked with Pepsi and Marlboro Reds. Mykol was so excited for central A.C. as well as two refrigerators and indoor plumbing, that he didn’t seem to mind the 7 layer burrito of a mess that was his new room. 

I wonder how many more episodes until he mysteriously “goes missing”. Did anyone check if he was under a pile of clothes in Meemaw’s bedroom? Maybe he didn’t leave her after all and is just lost in a pile of Shein clothes somewhere…

Rob the Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targareyn:

Rob was out capturing the attention of cocktail waitresses everywhere, Sophie was at the club with her bestie, Kaye. She admitted to worrying about what Rob was up to, due to her trust issues, and decided to give him a quick drunken call to say hi and “I love you”. 
Speaking of being in love…. Sophie’s “bestie” Kaye finally admitted to being in love with her (Which was obvious as noted by all of her handmade gifts and open-ended sleepovers in the same bed), and selfishly hoped she would finally end things with “The Knob” so she could have her all to herself.

Back in Kansas City, Rob was still enjoying the interest of the fishnet-clad club girl, but holding out hope that he could make things work with Sophie…for some unknown reason. Just as he was contemplating letting his internet cheating progress to in-person cheating, Sophie called to check in and reaffirm his confusion. Rob stood outside of the club with his sad puppy eyes, contemplating if he should return to his playboy ways or remain the husband of the year. 

Once back in Austin, Rob was still trying to process his brief conversation with Sophie, feeling like there was no way to really fix the relationship. He decided to contact her so the two could have a clip on ponytail-to-frizzy ponytail conversation about their marital status, and he planned to end things once and for all. Unfortunately it took Sophie 20 minutes to let him in the apartment (She must have been busy using up all of the toilet paper after eating all of Kaye’s granola bars), and it looks like Rob will have to read his “Dear Sophie” breakup letter next week. Maybe she can present him with a Squishmallow… seems to work like a charm. 

Emily & Kobe:

It was finally time for the crew to leave Cameroon as Emily and Kobe packed all of their stuff, really putting their vacuum seal bags to the test (No idea how that goat is going to fit in there). Kobe had really enjoyed spending this time back in his homeland, and brought up the idea of moving the family back for a little while. He felt that they would be able to afford an above-ground living situation there, and thought it would be good for the kids to get in touch with their Cameroonian heritage. Emily, on the other hand, did not seem to share the sentiment, probably envisioning herself being forced to cook Cameroonian cuisine on the regular while everyone complained about her bossiness. 

On the car ride to the airport, Emily let her parents in on Kobe’s latest plan. Father Emily put aside his fashion aspirations and advised them to rethink a move to Africa, feeling like growing up in the US would be beneficial to the kids…..especially if they grow up somewhere else in the US that wasn’t his basement. 
They finally arrived at the airport, where the family had an emotional goodbye with friend Valery (the boy), as they headed back to Kansas. I for one thoroughly enjoyed this visit, and can’t wait to receive my “My dad went to Cameroon and all I got was this lousy saber tooth tiger necklace and t-shirt” souvenir. Looks like next week we get to go house hunting in the US! Here’s to hoping Big Ed isn’t the realtor…. 

Loren & Alexei:

Back at the worst date night ever..
Loren was still pleading her case for leaving her position as CEO of the family condo to become a #girlboss. Alexei was not on board for paying for 3 under 3 daycare, and wanted her to stick to their original plan of her being home with the kids. Needless to say, the date night was as disappointing as Loren’s frizzy ponytail. 

The next day, Loren and Alexei sat down yet again to revisit their conversation about the possibility of Loren returning to the workplace. After having time to calm down, Alex eventually came around to the idea of Loren working, as long as she didn’t forget all about the kids ala Mother Asuelu and force him to figure out how to do laundry ever again. Loren vowed to prove that this would be beneficial to their family, as the two seemed to have settled their differences temporarily. 
Looks like next week Loren will be the girlboss of more surgery, as she wants to redo part of her procedure to make her boobies “More Biggie”. Looks like she’s going back to being wrapped in more bandages….and I’m not talking about Alexei, the human bandaid. Why is he all beige?!

Gino & Jasmania

Despite all of the tension in their relationship lately, Jasmine had to put everything aside because it was finally time for the Parade of Mother-Effing Costumes! (I know I was excited to see what that could possibly mean…..)
Jasmine’s big look was a carnival theme, giving a nod towards her homeland of Panama (The country, not the townhouse in Michigan with the upside down flags). The competition was fierce, as she was going up against an American woman who’s costume was a giant bald eagle, made from the feathers of 78 eagles, wiping out the entire population for the worthy cause. 
Jasmine walked on stage with her outfit and headdress, twirling her Panamaniac flag, as she thought about all of Gino’s possible criticisms. 

The interview portion was next, which included important burning questions asked to each contestant to really showcase where they stood on various issues. Jasmine was asked about her pageant inspiration, answering the pointed question with poise, as she claimed her mother was her driving force (When it was really Mother Asuelu, because I don’t care about the kids. Two for two Mother Asuelu this week).

After the Parade of Costumes commenced, Jasmine and Gino went back to their hotel room where they discussed their most recent issues. Gino was hurt that Jasmine tried to uninvite him from the pageant rehearsal, and expected her to apologize and act “less b*tchy”. Jasmine cried off her blue eyeshadow, as she felt like Gino was no longer attracted to her, and rejected her any chance he could get. They inevitably discussed their deranged sex life, as Jasmine hurled insults before walking out the door, lop-sided Brazilian Butt Lift swaying in the breeze. (If anyone had “La Quinta hallway” on their “Places Jasmine has Cried” Bingo Card, please fill that one now). P.s…. No Muppets were harmed in the making of “The Parade of Costumes”. Only the bald eagles. 

Ashley & Manuel:

The morning after their big fight, Ashley and Manuel reluctantly started speaking to each other once again. Manuel tried to go the sensitivity route, crying to Ashley about his guilt over leaving his family in Ecuador without any sense of support. As his greasy tears flowed, they lubricated  Ashley’s sensitive side, and she immediately agreed to increase her personal debt to send Manuel’s family whatever they needed. She appreciated his vulnerability and the added touch of crying, as he claimed to now finally understand that hiding things only leads to more issues in their relationship (And delays in sending money back to his Ecuadorian wife). His hair was so greasy this week it left spots on the tv.