Happily Ever After; Season 8 Episode 16

Loren & Alexei:

Loren met up with a friend for a little retail therapy on a mission to find an outfit for date night. She acknowledged how hard things had been on Alex lately, having to do absolutely everything around the house (Including finally figuring out how to use their washing machine) and all of the stress worrying about his family, and decided a kid-free dinner was in order. She claimed this would be the first time she was showing off her post mommy-makeover bod to him without bandages (Though she was out with her friend wearing a normal outfit), and wanted some new duds to show off her doctor’s handiwork. She first tried on a slinky “Spice Girl”-esque slip dress, which she felt was super unflattering, despite her professional enhancements. After vetoing that look, she decided she looked “Snatched” in a leopard print number, since it really showed off her body, which looked exactly the same as it did before her surgery. Glad we watched 5 pre-op episodes to get to this. 

Later on the couple were finally ready to head out on the town, with Loren first presenting her date night look to Alex. She did her makeup, wore the leopard dress and heels, but for some reason decided to leave her hair in a frizzy ponytail (which was really just the “mom bun”’s fancy cousin). At dinner she mentioned how chaotic everything had been, as Alex beyond agreed, encouraging her to get her readjusted a$$ back into gear. Since she now was feeling like a new (franken)woman, Loren expressed that she wanted to be a “girl boss” instead of the CEO of their condo. Alex, in all of his flesh-colored glory, was not on board for her new business endeavors, especially since Loren had always claimed she wanted to be a stay at home mom. He fairly aggressively told her he didn’t think this newest idea would be possible, though she was determined to prove him wrong. I think he may have turned a slight shade of red with anger, but I’m not sure.

 

 

Ashley & Manuel:

Back in Rochester…
Things were still tense as Ashley took a “pee pee” break from yelling at Manuel, before resuming business as usual. She asked him to answer yes or no about sending money back to his Ecuadorian wife, and if the two had been speaking directly. Luckily Manuel finally stopped his creepy laughing fit from last week, and finally admitted to speaking to his baby mama, but denied giving her any extra money while he was in New York (Technically he was telling the truth, because he gave her money while he was in Newark. They’re not the same place). He then turned the fight around, blaming Ashley for never trusting “his word” (You know…because he usually only says about 1 per episode), and stormed out of the house while she screeched in the background and her sister looked scared. I’m so sorry Rico Suave has to experience this kind of drama. He needs a healing crystal.

 

 

Gino & Jasmania:  

It was finally time for Jasmine’s pageant debut, and she wanted to make sure she was star-quality. She tried on her bathing suit/choker necklace combo for Gino, making sure there were no unsightly hairs or “camel toe” showing, stopping to explain the definition that he pretended not to know (You know Gino has a VHS tape featuring “best of” camel toes somewhere in the townhouse. He’s definitely pro-camel toe). Gino gave his star pupil a tough critique before it was her time to shine, making her feel more insecure than usual.
The pageant (Which may or may not have taken place in the conference room of a La Quinta hotel) began with the swimwear competition. Besides picking a winner, Gino also appeared to be picking his nose as he waited for Jasmine to take the stage, hopefully not filming any other contestants for “market research”. He went backstage before the second act (“The Parade of Costumes”) letting Jasmine know she kind of bombed during her first round.

The two walked back to the hotel room in silence, before Jasmine announced that she was uninviting her “picky” coach from attending the “Parade of Costumes”. Gino couldn’t believe he was being pushed out of the pageant circuit, and felt he should counteract with a dramatic move like heading home to Michigan alone. 
No beverages were thrown in the making of this episode. Can’t promise they won’t be for next week. 

 

 

 

Patrick & Thighs:

With all of the infighting lately, Patrick decided to take his “Uh-Mo” out for a date night at the Brazilian steakhouse where they had gone on their first date.They were having fun reminiscing amongst the meat skewers, before Patrick turned date night into a therapy session. Thighs had accused Pat of doing everything for his father and paying for way too much (With the exception of gravel for his yard. Everyone has their limits). He cried over his rocky relationship with his dad (gravel pun intended), describing the hurt from his past and the importance that having a relationship with his father (as “User Moohamit”-y as he may be) plays in his life.
Thighs was glad that Patrick finally opened up and got emotional, eventually coming to an understanding about his need to pay for an apartment he never uses, as she tried her best to be supportive.

She then brought up the topic of their upcoming “vacation within a vacation” that they planned on taking as a family with her own father (Dreamboat Carlos) who she was hoping Patrick would ask for the stupid wedding blessing. Patrick agreed, but on the condition that he could bring BroJo (Brother John) along so everyone might get to know and love him. 
Thighs agreed, because crying works every time. 

 

 

 

Kobe & Emily:

Back at the wedding of the year..
Kobe’s friend Valery (The boy) had gotten a hold of the microphone, as the couple waited nervously, prepared to endure his speech. Luckily he had decided to come around, making somewhat flattering remarks about Emily being able to take care of Kobe, despite everything going against her (I for one appreciate his passive-aggressive style). The wedding continued on with dancing, more speeches, and most importantly….more of Father Emily’s “epic” headwear. The couple were finally officiated by Kobe’s Clan, and Emily was tho happy to be an official Cameroonian “Mithter and mitheths”. 

After My Big Fat Cameroonian wedding, the families sat down to reflect on the event and spend one last afternoon together. Before they were about to leave, Emily gifted Father Kobe an “American Grandpa” outfit, consisting of a button down stars and stripes collared shirt, cargo shorts, sneakers, knee high socks, and a fanny pack to top it off. She felt that it was only fair since they got to play dress up with her dad, she should return the favor. Father Kobe loved his new wares, as he took his new profile photo for the “Paradise Men” WhatsApp group.

Kobe and his family had an emotional goodbye, unsure of when they would be able to see each other again. I would like to personally thank both Emily and Kobe for letting us all come to their Cameroonian wedding. I would have gotten them another toaster, but wasn’t sure if that was customary, so I just got them another goat, and named him “Toaster”.

 

 

 

Angela & Mykol:

It seems like Mykol and Angela were still getting along, as they woke up together in bed, with Ang claiming her “Cooter was tingling” (which seemed to be positive, in this context. If it persists for 4 hours or more, she may want to call her medical professional).  The two were able to enjoy a rare evening of romance in between their fighting, after Michael had finally expressed his feelings of loneliness. Angela did however still have her reservations about Mykol’s true intentions, but decided to stick around for the two week waiting period to see if his Visa would be approved. 

Next thing you know, we saw Angela at the airport, meandering around looking somewhat somber. She vaguely explained the difficulties of being away for the past month, maintaining a straight face for only a few moments, before the camera panned next to her revealing that MYKOL had officially made it to the US! (The entire Paradise Men WhatsApp group did “the wave”).  Mykol could hardly contain his excitement as Angela welcomed him to her homeland with a patriotic themed leather jacket. He stared wide-eyed at all of the American airport sights and scents (Panda Express, Nathans, and Sbarros), 7 years in the making. Angela claimed to know that Mykol’s big move wouldn’t solve all of their problems, but she was hopeful that it would be a good start.

Due to the fact that she had called her daughter Skyla so many times to complain about her long distance drama, Angela decided not to tell her that the Visa was approved, and just come home with him instead (Kind of like bringing home a puppy when your parents said it was a big responsibility you weren’t ready for. They’re not going to get rid of it, but they’re definitely annoyed). Can’t wait to see both Skyla and “The Grids’” reactions next week! 

 

 

 

Rob the Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targaryen:

Rob decided to take a trip back to his hometown of Kansas City, Missouri to celebrate his birthday all by his lonesome. He claimed to feel badly that his own wife didn’t want to be with him on his B day, but looked forward to seeing some friends and family who might not find him as irritating. 
He first met up with Mamadukes at a restaurant who performed her motherly duties by listening to his martial woes (She was smart and ordered a stiff drink before he got there). She took her son’s side, feeling like Sophie was making him live in limbo, and deserved to be with someone who will stand by him, and not just use him for Squishmallows.
Back in Austin, Sophie and Bestie Kaye were putting on their spandex fineries to go out and celebrate Rob’s birthday without him (Possibly the best way to do it). Sophie did express some remorse about her most recent “time apart”, but pushed those feelings aside, as she hoisted her implants into her tiny top. 

Back in KC, Rob decided to spend his birthday night out on the town with some old friends at a club. He seemed to be making some new friends as well, in the form of cocktail waitresses who were fawning all over his frizzy ponytail. They repeatedly told him how “cute” he was, as one waitstaff professional made every attempt to bring him back to her lair. 
Rob seemed unphased by all of the lady attention, as he claimed this was par for the course when he’s out and about (He should really carry a big stick next time he goes clubbing). He used this encounter to accentuate his loyalty to his MIA wife, though obviously enjoyed the flattery and contemplated making a move to be with someone who might actually like him.
I would have gotten Rob a birthday present, but I didn’t because unlike the cocktail waitresses, his whole face annoys me.