Happily Ever After; Season 8 Episode 14

Jasmania & Gee-Know:

Jasmine and Gino were off to Florida once again, but this time for the purpose of entering Jasmine’s very first beauty pageant. Gino was a bit skeptical of the “talent”, since she was an underdog, but was there to coach her on. Between the entry fee, the plane tickets and the hotel, the total cost of the event was approximately 1 immigration lawyer for the kids…. But I don’t care about the kids (#MotherAsuelu)
At the pageant rehearsal, Jasmine donned what looked to be Mormon undergarments in solidarity with the rest of the contestants. Gino took on his “Pageant Mom” role, filming, coaching, and gesturing to Jasmine from the sidelines (He’s not a regular mom, he’s a cool mom). Overall Jasmine received positive comments from the real coaches, though they did have a few critiques for her to improve upon.
After practice, Coach Gino took his star player out on the patio to reflect on the practice and how she could improve her form. One of his coaching tactics included showing her some video footage he had taken of the other ladies in their white undergarments, which of course sent Jasmine into a tailspin. Gino felt his voyeur videos were only for educational purposes, but Jasmine felt it was just to fill his spank bank and cause her more insecurity issues. She took to her usual waterworks, while Coach Gino looked confused. He felt Jasmine should trust his process, since he himself used to be in pageants, more specifically, a “Mr. Michigan” pageant. (I just know he must have placed first in the hat portion of the competition, and I just hope it had sequins. Can somebody please find photo evidence of these Mr. Michigan pageants?? I am beyond curious..)

 

 

Angela & Mykol:

Back in Paradise (Men)…
Angela was freaking out trying to regain custody of Mykol’s cell phone. Hotel security tried to break up the scene, as a rabid Angela screamed at Mykol, who fought for his phone as if his position as the WhatsApp Paradise Men group administrator depended on it. Mykol took off, claiming to be “done” with his tumultuous relationship, confused as to why Meemaw would still be questioning his motives for marrying her after 7 painstaking years. 

After that special edition of Jerry Springer, Mykol finally came around, eyes on the prize, and crawled back to Angela’s hotel room. She claimed to be so exhausted from expending so much Meemaw energy fighting that she was willing to hear him out (Maybe that was a tactic he had learned in the group??)

Mykol tried to plead his case, claiming the “Paradise Men” group was really an outlet for him to express his true feelings of missing Angela and having to wait to live together in Hazelhurst marital bliss. He also had some far-fetched story explaining away the photo of bags of money she had found, as well as the talks about her life insurance policy. Angela wanted so badly to believe him, but still had her reservations since he had lied to her many times before (Namely, the “BJ for real”….if you know, then you’ve been watching this show for way too long).

She decided to forgive him enough to let him sleep in the bed for the night, as she drifted off to Meemaw dreamland (While Mykol took a picture of her sleeping and sent it to the life insurance company trying to cash in.) Ok maybe that last part didn’t happen, but on a level from 1 to “Ripping the bumper off of a car”, what do you think Angela would do if it did???

 

 

Emily & Kobe:

It was finally time for the Cameroonian wedding, as Emily welcomed her local hair and makeup artist in, requesting a traditional look. As with any hair appointment all over the world, Emily began to tell her stylist way too much information about her relationship. She also discussed the recent discovery about Kobe and his ex-girlfriend with Mother Emily-With-the-Good-Hair, who seemed as unimpressed as the rest of us.
Kobe was busy getting ready with his dad, as they sported matching dad & lad floppy traditional Cameroonian knit hats. Missing from the getting ready crew were the Friends Kobe, namely his pal Valery (The boy), who was uninvited due to his doubts about Emily and condemnation of her American sass (Or “Thath” as some might say).
Next thing ya know, a bunch of ladies arrived at the AirBNB to bring Emily to the wedding. She emerged looking like a Queen in her beautiful traditional dress with the awe-inspiring updo created with the aid of a tiny crimper, some gravity defying hairspray, and a whole mess of Cameroonian bobby pins. 
Back at the venue, the DJ announced Mr. Kobe, who entered the affair sporting his decked out duds and accessories as he made his way around the seizure-inducing room to his seat. Emily arrived with her dancing ladies, managing to remember all of the many Cameroonian wedding procedures she was supposed to do, as she made her way to her groom. Father Emily’s outfit was the star of the show, as he sported his 22 pickup sticks/upside down santa beard hat, with yet another saber tooth tiger necklace (Pretty sure I saw it during Fashion Week, Versace circa 2009). He did a great job giving a heartfelt speech, featuring his own personal prayer to “bless them with a big house”, which was the perfect salty/sweet combination paying homage to their basement dwelling.
Kobe’s friend Valery made a surprise appearance as he still considered himself to be the best man, and therefore wanted to make a speech. Emily and Kobe listened from their seats, relieved to hear mostly positive comments and well wishes from the former nay-sayer. 
All in all My Big Fat Cameroonian wedding looked to be a really fun time, as the families both danced the night away amidst the flashing lights and loud music. Mazel Tov (again) to the happy couple! I was going to get them a toaster, but I already got them one for their American wedding, so instead, I just donated to Father Emily’s fashion fund. It’s a cause I truly believe in. 

 

Ashley & Manuel:

Back in Rochester, Ashley was “cleansing” the house of bad ju-ju (Though somehow Manuel still remained). Manuel sported his signature “annoyed” face as he waited for Ashley to fork over the extra $300 for his family. She demanded that he let her in on what the money was going towards, but Mauel once again played it close to the vest (I feel like he would wear a vest…with nothing under it. Out to a bar. With his greasy middle part hair). He explained that if she wasn’t willing to give him money to provide for his family, he would have to find another way, possibly including returning to Ecuador. Ashley felt like she was being blackmailed with abandonment, which triggered her “trauma response”, and sent her heading for the back door because she “necessito un memento” (That’s “needs a minute”, Kenny. I’m sure Armado says this often after dealing with your lack of Espanol all day). 

Ashley left to meet with her sister at a bakery, where she was picking up a cake for Manuel’s birthday. As they waited, Ashley let her sister know about Manuel’s money hustling and ultimatum, and how she tried to “stand in her power” in her decision to stop funding his Ecuadorian wife. The two decided to call Manuel’s friend Johnathan for some intel, and magically got him on the phone on the first ring.

Poor Jonathan was stuck in the middle, as he admitted to Ashley that Manuel had been sending money back to his ex-girlfriend/ baby mama directly, whom he had sworn to Ashely he was not in direct contact with. Sister Ashley was hoping that Ashley (with her $100k fortune telling degree) would finally be able to see clearly that Manuel was a User Moohmat.

Next thing ya know, Ashley and her sister drove back to the house, where she stormed into the room and disrupted Manuel from watching his soccer game (his favorite thing to do besides roll his eyes). Ashley tried to get Manuel to admit that he had been lying about his baby mama dealings, but he doubled down instead. Of course he realized his pal Johnathan was the one who told Ashley this information, so the two decided to further put him in the middle by calling him on speaker phone. Jonathan tried staying neutral, but wound up ultimately making Manuel look like a liar, causing him to hang up and laugh really inappropriately.

I’m not sure if this situation is fixable with a bathroom rendezvous or a ton of healing crystals. If anything, you could just let Meemaw handle it….

 

 

Patrick & Thighs:

This week started off hot, as the first thing being shown was one of Thigh’s friends throwing a drink onto BroJo (That’s “Brother John”, if you’re new around here and not down with the latest lingo). During a bar-side hangout with Thighs and her friends, one of them started saying things about Patrick, when John decided to come to his defense. Unfortunately the only comeback John knew in Pawtchageese was “Sl*t”, thus causing the drink flinging onto his new TJ Maxx polo shirt. 

After Thighs’ friends left, she sat down with Pat and BroJo to figure out how things escalated so quickly. John explained that he didn’t appreciate Thighs’ friend’s accusations about his bruthah, as well as the fact that they called him a bad influence. It appears the BroJo/Thighs partnership was short lived, and they are back to their usual mutual disgust. Hopefully Father JoeSay can do something crappyy to help them reestablish their bond soon before the big first birthday party.

 

 

Rob the Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targaryen:

This week, Rob and Sophie argued over who ate a box of granola bars, while Mother Claire refereed on her crutches. Sophie clutched her Squishmellow doll tightly as she listened to Rob’s plea to figure out if she wanted to be with him as a person or not. From Rob’s perspective, he felt their biggest problem was the fact that Sophie was always leaving, despite the plush toy gifts and rations of granola bars. 

At the end of whatever they were arguing about, they both expressed their love for each other as Sophie took off yet again to “get some space”. I think they might both had too much space. In between their ears. Are we done yet?!

 

 

Loren & Alexei:

The time had finally come for Father Alexei to head back to Israel, leaving his son with a lot of mixed feelings. Aside from losing his help with the three babies, he worried about his dad returning at such a scary time. The two Alexei’s rode off towards the airport after lots of baby hugs, having a tearful goodbye at the departure gate. 

Looks like next week we’ll go back to talking about Mommy makeovers…. Can’t wait!