Love In Paradise; Season 4 Episode 4

Luke & Madeleine:

Back in Colombia, in the teen-dream apartment…
Madeleine was busy cleaning out the crust from her poor special needs Pomeranian’s eyes before Luke surprised her with a large bouquet of roses he can’t afford now that he’s unemployed. Since they’re on a bit of a budget now and can no longer spend their days indulging in luxurious outings, Luke decided to take Madeleine on a day-date to a Colombian coffee bean farm (The cartel had a Groupon). While driving over to the farm, he made sure to pull out a sample pair of sunglasses from his new eyewear line that he self-funded to the tune of $30,000. The greatest part about these super sunnies is that they fold up and become a necklace, which is what everyone is secretly looking for.

Madeleine was upset hearing that Luke had used his 401k to make Origami Eyewear come to life, feeling like she should have been included in such a large financial decision. Luke laughed at her, though she didn’t feel like anything was ‘fooney”, afraid that they would both soon be on the streets if they didn’t start “makin’ they moonies”. 

When the pair arrived at the coffee farm in their matching eyewear, they were immediately given ponchos and hats to fit in with the rest of the Juan Valdezes. Madeleine was still upset from their heated discussion in the car, and had a sour face throughout the entire farm field trip. After getting her long pink acrylic talons full of dirt, it was finally time to relax. The farm offered a DIY coffee massage station (totally normal) where Luke was hoping to loosen her up so he could drop another bit of bad news. He let Madeleine know that he was going to have to postpone his move to Colombia, since he was now in financial ruins. Madeleine gave him a death-stare as she angrily laid on the massage table, covered in coffee grinds, questioning how he could have withheld such important information. Luke tried to reassure her that he had every intention of moving and marrying the homecoming queen, but first wanted to make sure he was in better financial standing. How else is he going to keep her stream of jumbo sized stuffed animals and inbred pets flowing?!?

Alex & Adriano:

Even though the two had a rough first dinner together, they seemed to have made up throughout the night… possibly three times. They love the number three. They headed out the following day to tour a romantic Italian vineyard where they kissed, stared into each other’s eyes, and momentarily stopped talking about threesomes. Alex was feeling swept away by Adriano’s romantic side, and momentarily felt like their relationship might actually have a chance. 

Later that night, Alex geared Adriano up to meet her cousin Tiffany, who happened to be traveling through Europe and made a special stop to say hello. Tiffany lovingly refers to her cousin’s dreamboy as “Fabio”, since he possesses those romance novel flowing locks (Though I’m thinking he’s more of an Italian “Kenny G”). The three went out to sample some of the local cuisine, with Adriano taking charge of the ordering. Though she was thankful for his delicious food suggestions, Tiffany couldn’t help but notice Adriano’s lack of “Giving thanks” before he started to eat. Apparently Alex considers herself to be a fairly religious Christian, and her cousin was surprised by Adriano’s disinterest in God (Unless it was the God of threesomes). She didn’t seem to hide her skepticism about the relationship, especially since she felt Adriano was a little too excited to have her there as a “third” party. 

The following day, Adriano whisked Alex away to a pizza making class, because…..Italy. Though they had a great time sensually kneading dough and getting saucy, their problems seemed to arise while sitting down to eat. Alex brought up the idea of having children in the future, mentioning that she would want to raise them in the church. She also wanted Adriano to think about the fact that their children would be black, and she would want him to have a bit more compassion for the black experience. He seemed confused over the idea of bringing kids to church, but rather thrilled by the concept of “the black experience” (It’s a film he once saw about a threesome….)

Kyle & Ani:

Back in Malta, Ani was still trying to make sense of Kyle’s methods of sperm donation. She decided to put her questions aside for the sake of the afternoon, as they were setting out to take a boat tour around the island. Kyle actually made a point to wear real pants, JEANS in fact, which Ani found much more attractive than his gym shorts. 
While enjoying a fancy dinner on the boat, they had a discussion about how they would raise their hypothetical children (Which would be number 72 or 73 for Kyle). He seemed to feel that child rearing consisted of sticking a baby in a crib and feeding them occasionally, while Ani informed him that there is a bit more to it (I mean unless you want to end up on Dateline…) Kyle then informed her that she had earned enough points throughout the day to redeem one single kiss. Ani for some reason decided to cash in, as she awkwardly made her way to his side of the boat for one of the cringiest and most lame lip-lock of all time. 
Ani admitted the kiss really sucked, but felt the two had a connection in between all of the uncomfortable yucky moments. 

The following day the couple met up yet again to go shopping, so Ani could hopefully teach Kyle how to dress himself for fashion instead of function/sperm production. Kyle insisted on wearing extra small clothes because he felt it would “show off his curves”. Though she was enjoying the fashion show, Ani had to bring up the whole “sperm donation” topic, letting Kyle know that she expected him to stop procreating with strangers for the sake of their relationship. Kyle seemed stunned, unable to give her a definitive answer whether or not he would be able to stop playing “Kyle Appleseed” all over the globe. Ani couldn’t believe his reaction to her very reasonable request, and she took off crying towards production.

Previews for next week look like Ani’s shopping mall breakdown might have earned her more points, as she’s shown taking a PREGNANCY TEST!! I don’t even know what is happening right now…

Shawn & Dougilliyah:

Shawn was milling around the apartment while Alliyah was out getting her nails did. He showed the cameras Dougilliyah’s relationship scrapbook she had made, which looked to have been made by a teenage girl- Glittery stickers and all. Shawn teared up looking over the pictures of Douglas, knowing he has been taken over possibly permanently by the mop-topped alter ego.

Later on the two set off on a boat ride around Rio and then to a floating restaurant. As they dined, Shawn presented Alliyahwith a gift of a tacky collar necklace before beginning his conversation about the Douglas/Alliyah confusion. He explained his sadness over the idea of losing Douglas, who he explained was most appealing to him because of his “shy and insecure” personality. Alliyah was a bit put off that Shawn was unsure of her new and improved persona, and even more confused as to why he would want to be with someone who was “insecure”. 

I’m not sure where Shawn is going with this, but if he wasn’t sure about Alliyah, he shouldn’t have been feeding her all of that weave. He let that genie out of the bottle…