Happily Ever After; Season 8 Episode 2

Jasmania & Gee-Know:

Welcome back to this week’s edition of “The Primitive Honeymooners”! Jasmine and Gino were cozying up, ready to spend their first night as Mr & Mrs inside of their tent. As they kicked off their sandals, Jasmine admitted to being slightly turned on by Gino’s filthy feet. She even went as far as to suck on his toes, which had been marinating in his Jerusalem cruisers all day long. Gino seemed to be enjoying the bacteria-laden activity, as Jasmine offered a variety of other ideas of new things the two could try out, which luckily were not filmed as future nightmare fuel for the world.
The following morning the two emerged from the tent looking rather chipper (Though I would advise not sharing a Diet Coke or toilet seat with either of them). Jasmine was happy that GeeKnow had “given her fish”, as she was ovulating (Meaning, he let his little swimmers fly free, not to be confused with Cleo and “serving fish”). Jasmine busted out a fertility chart to make sure their little science experiment was going to be on track. Now that her sole purpose was to produce Gino’s heir, she was filled with worry, as she had suffered from fertility issues in the past. Jasmine tried to explain all of the measures she previously had to take to maintain her second pregnancy, though Gino assured her that everything would be fine. After scaring off all of the wildlife in the area, the two gathered their camping gear to head back to Panama (…or the townhouse). 
Since the honeymoon was over, Jasmine was ready to start focusing on bringing her kids to the US. She called her mom and sister on video chat to check on everyone back home and how they are possibly managing in her absence. She was immediately distraught hearing that her eldest son, Juance, was sad about his mom living with “Papa Gino” so far away, as well as some of her mother’s health issues. Of course Jasmine busted out the waterless waterworks, feeling hopeless being so away, sucking on toes (The mental image that will never die)

After the tough call home, Jasmine took Gino to a lawyer the following day to get more details about bringing her children to the US. The lawyer smirked at Gino and his self-filing of Jasmine’s Visa, almost happily telling him that he had messed things up by not including the children as part of a package deal. What the lawyer didn’t realize was that he had incidentally signed Gino’s death certificate, as Jasmine shot daggers at him from her seat. The ultra creepy lawyer went on to explain that Gino’s little blunder could set the Visa process back 2 years for Jasmine’s kids, causing them to live a happy and undamaged life in Panama and avoid mental disturbances caused by witnessing toe sucking (And possibly foot and mouth disease, if she kissed them goodnight).

The lawyer even made a snide remark about Gino’s lack of Google skills (which was clear based on the fact that Gino never even seemed to successfully Google search “How do I know if a hat fits me properly??”). Jasmine sobbed, feeling like the entire decision to come to the US with her bulbous buffoon was a bad idea, and threatened once again to go back to the real Panama (Not just the townhouse with the upside-down flags)

 

 

Emily & Kobe:

After 30+ hours on an airplane with toddlers (which translates to 135 hours real-feel), the family finally touched down in Africa. They were greeted at the airport by Kobe’s best friend Valery- the boy, who was overjoyed to see his BFF after so many years. He explained his surprise when Kobe first told him about meeting the only white woman in China, getting her pregnant, and falling in love. Even though they were so happy to get acquainted, the weary family were anxious, ready to leave the airport asap and get to their hotel. They were unfortunately paused by a large group of men who began to swarm them, seeming to at first be luggage porters from the airport who were aggressively requesting a large tip and positive Yelp reviews. The crowd grew so overwhelming that The Family Emily became nervous, rushing to get into the car and understand what was going on. 
Kobe and Valery-the-boy eventually gave the man-crowd the slip, explaining later that it was merely your average airport hustlers, hoping to skim a few bucks off of travelers that they thought might have money. They brushed off the brush-in as your typical Cameroonian welcome-wagon.

The next morning the whole crew awoke at their hotel, rested and ready to explore. The first order of business was to go shopping to help the Family Emily blend into their new surroundings. Valery-the-boy took them to an African shop to try out the local wares, so they’d have the right look while meeting Kobe’s family. Father Emily started things off by trying on a traditional hat that may or may not attract native birds in the area and inspire them to call it home. Emily and her mother followed suit, trying on hats and caftans and bags, oh my! 

Can’t wait for next week when Emily & Co. arrive at her in-laws house dressed like the Cameroonian equivalent of tourists in Hawaii wearing Tommy Bahama! You know what they say….When in Cameroon! (Personally, I love a good 90 Day Africa trip and am excited)

 

 

Big Ed & Liz??:

I guess the sadistic 90 Day overlords decided to torture us all with none other than another helping of Big Ed and Liz. The dreaded couple explained that they had recently moved to Ed’s hometown of Arkansas after solidifying their awful engagement during their recent season of “The Last Resort”. Liz’s daughter Ryleigh was forced to tag along for the Summer to endure the two’s ridiculousness as they prepared for their upcoming wedding. Though they pretended their relationship issues were a thing of the past, Ed admitted that he was still nervous about their future, as he felt stressed out about finances.

Being new to the Bentonille, Arkansas area, Liz and Ed were in need of a money-making venture (I guess Ed’s not raking in those Cameo bucks anymore…everyone must be over the costumes). They decided to dip their toes (Can’t say that word anymore without picturing a Gino toe Slurpee) into the real estate bizz, so they bought a bunch of blazers and practiced their “shtick”. Ed was feeling the pressure to turn up the charm, as he and Liz were both living off of their savings and had a whole expensive wedding to pay for. Previews for next week showed their united front already slipping, as they were beginning to argue in front of Liz’s daughter, and Ed was already unraveling. And to this couple being on this season, I simply say “Neeeeeee!”

 

 

Rob The Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targaryen:

Last week’s attempt at a reunion didn’t go as Rob had hoped. After he refused to apologize or acknowledge his wrong doings, Sophie had once again left, unsure of what to do with the marriage. She slinked over to where Mother Sophie (Claire) was staying to discuss the situation for the umpteenth time. Claire of course advised that Sophie dump the Knob once and for all, feeling that this cycle of bad behavior would have no end. Sophie explained her struggles growing up with her mum, who had suffered from addiction and substance abuse, causing Sophie to oftentimes act more like a parent. Though she seemingly made peace with her mother and their relationship was still intact, Sophie still chose to ignore her warnings.
She once again contemplated forgiving Rob and glazing over his unapologetic nature, downplaying his wrongdoings by categorizing him as “A guy who just likes porn”.

I just can’t believe they expect us to sit through 47 more episodes of this back and forth stupidity… 

 

 

Nicole & SoooMaaaachMood:

Nicole stood as still as a mannequin (which was really convincing, given her hair) as she waited for Machhhmood to arrive at the baggage claim. As he finally came around the bend, she ran over to greet him warmly, romantically whispering “Kiss Me M*therF*cker”. Maaaachmood was overwhelmed by Nicole kissing him in public, as well as her tight fitting dress. He felt a bit shell-shocked adjusting to his new American culture as the two drove home. 

The shock and awe continued once he arrived at his new apartment. Nicole gave him the tour, which included gawking at some of her risque artwork, decorative pillow arrangements, and naked dress mannequin (Although he was probably excited by that one…. It looked just like Nicole but complained a lot less). Nicole seemed to take his interior design critiques in stride, chalking it up to culture shock.

Though they seemed to be able to hold it together for the first few minutes pretty well, previews for next week show the true fighting taking hold. Can’t wait to watch them argue every minute, My Love!

 

Ashley & Manuel:

After last week’s talk with her mom and sister, Ashley decided to bring up the topic of Manuel’s elusive children. She questioned why he still hadn’t bothered to introduce them to HER- their nueva madrestra (That’s “New Stepmother”, Kenny. Please learn this language already), demanding answers. Manuel claimed he “Just didn’t get around to it” (You know because of his busy schedule of scrolling on his phone, yawning, and “banging it out”) and promised Ashley that he’d have the children treat her like a mom, no problemo. Of course this sparked a huge fight between the two, resulting in a dramatic Ashely crying on her stoop, cuddling her poor dog Rico Suave for the emotional support Manuel will never give her. 

While he’s at it, he should totally introduce her to his Ecuadorian wife…. I’m still convinced he has one.