The Single Life; Season 4 Tell All Part 1

The cast arrived at the studio beginning with Chantel, who seemed to have elevated her style since the spandex dresses of her days in Greece. Tyray followed, managing to awkwardly giggle for the few seconds he was filmed. Natalie waltzed in, ignoring all staff, and ready to stare and yell at someone, convinced she was on set filming the sequel to Fatal Attraction. Debbie arrived in all of her feathered regalia along with Tim, who was even out sparkling Miss Debbie. (Luckily his new beard/dark hair combo was definitely helping the cause…). Noticeably missing was Chantel, who was still backstage getting ready, as she had hired her own hair and makeup team (which hopefully weren’t the same as the ones she had in Greece….aka a 5 year old with a purple and black crayon doing her eyeliner). Most of the cast joined together in the green room, pre-Tell All to catch up, and hound Tyray about his virginity, while he just…..giggled. And I shuddered, yet again.

Shaun welcomed the cast to the stage, starting with her highness, Chantel, who smiled ear to ear at the mention of her Greecian guy, Giannis. Veronica quickly revealed she and Jamal were no longer together, which ran parallel to Tim’s relationship with…..was her name Luisa? She was only around for one on-screen face slurping. Brother John was proud to say his relationship with Meghan was progressing, and Miss Debbie seemed to still be intrigued by Ruben the Cuban. Tyray was greeted warmly, but of course had absolutely no updates to share, because of his creepy comments and giggles. Natalie, the lady in red, was excited to report that Jush had asked for another chance (Probably because Natalie had “the girls’ ‘ practically falling out of the top of her “Tell All” dress, rivaling every Chantel dress from Greece).

Things started off with Veronica and Tim, who claimed their twin-flame friendship was still going strong, especially since Veronica had endured a tough year. As Shaun replayed the lamest fight scene of all time (Jamal and Tim standing up and yelling at a restaurant), Jamal came on stage, explaining that the feud was fueled by tequila. Luisa joined the party wearing a sparkly feathered dress (She must have gotten Chantel’s memo that they were attempting to outdo Debbie) as everyone turned on Tim. Jamal felt that Tim and Veronica were being phony about their friendship, as he argued back and forth with Tim eventually calling him “sweetheart”. Tim felt the pet name was implying that he was…not the most masculine (Though I’m thinking it was the glitter sneakers that did that for him first). Veronica detailed her breakup with Jamal, saying he basically ignored her until she questioned what was going on, which led to him sending a peace sign emoji, because that’s what happens when you date a millennial. Luisa and Jamal joined forces to team up on Veronica, calling her a liar and claiming that she called both Jamal and TIm “trash” at various times. Veronica eventually got mad, yelling in Spanish, as she walked off in her Barbie pink sequined dress to take a minute, before regaining her composure and bounding back on set. Jamal tried to defend his “ghost-like” breakup text, claiming he had to stay with his mother (Kween Kimbally, Sojaboy’s former #1 fan), who was going through some rough times, and did not recall the use of any emojis. 

And if that wasn’t enough excitement, the attention turned towards Tyray, who went over his whole “Carmella Catfish” situation for the umpteenth time. He then admitted to still being a virgin, which Miss Debbie found quite admirable, seeing as how she felt like a born again virgin herself. The cast all took turns giving advice on how Tyray should handle taking this next step into manhood, but they were clearly unqualified. Shaun then sent up a signal into the air, summoning the only expert in this arena, none other than The SarperImage. Sarper emerged on the big screen in all of his glory, flaunting his vast years of experience and 2,500 notches in his icky bedpost, wasting no time letting Tyray know that his incessant giggling was acting as lady repellant. To quote Sarpie “No one with a vagina wants to hear that”, as I rose from my couch to give him a standing ovation. Sarper then went on to explain Tyray’s virginity situation by using an airplane analogy, telling him that none of the “passengers” on the plane (i.e. “women”) want to be with a pilot who has never flown the thing before. Both Sarper and Brother John felt Tray may benefit from a paid form of experience before ever attempting physical love with a free and willing participant. Miss Debbie was appalled, reaming out the tanned ladies’ man for his attempt to corrupt her precious creepy giggling Tyray and encouraging him to have relations with any old “Back Alley Sally” (And I can actually hear her voice saying that term clearly in my head). Sarper slighted Debbie by saying she was too old to disrespect, as he went on to share his tips and tricks to dating. He felt that confidence is key, as demonstrated in his signature “Tiger Attack” move (™ Sarper), which is when he would come up behind a woman and kiss her neck, letting her feel his lips (and the remnants of 2,500 others), that she could not possibly resist. The rest of the cast clearly did not possess the same confidence to ever attempt the Tiger Attack, saying they feared making this sort of maneuver would cause them to get actually attacked by any woman they dared to try it on. (This is advanced stuff that Tyray will obviously have to work up to once he’s enrolled in Sarper’s 6 week training course “Creating Your Own Sarper Image” and it even includes free shots of Penicillin if you sign up today).

Things moved over to Chantel, who re lived her trip to Greece and told of a few high profile suitors that had courted her royal 90 Day majesty. But Chantel was not ready to settle for just anyone, as she felt she deserved the whole package, and had a checklist of exactly what she was looking for. Miss Debbie wasn’t shy giving her two-sense about Chantel’s lack of underwear on her Vay-cay, feeling as though no one would respect her displaying her va-jay-jay. The rest of the cast somewhat agreed that Chantel was sending the wrong message on her trip, and felt she wasn’t going to attract the caliber of Prince Charming she was looking for (though she may catch a Sarper or two….amongst anything else she’d catch from Sarper. She definitely would have fallen for the Tiger Attack).

Seems like things will be heating up next week when the Tell All moves on to Part Two; The Battle to 2 Debbies. I. CAN. NOT. WAIT. 

(Please use “Code SHMERICA to receive 15% off of Sarper’s dating class, we worked out a deal).