90 Day Fiancé; Season 10 Episode 13

Rob the Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targaryen:

Back at the throne-less palace….
Rob sat in the courtyard spouting off to no one but himself about his fiancé’s privileged lifestyle and inability to know his struggles. Sophie stayed quiet, and decided to leave with her mum to stay at the hotel and get away from “The knob” and his wallowing. It seemed that Sophie was finally realizing that Rob was a disrespectful personality-less moron with no toilet (Though I could have told her that 12 episodes ago…)

Ashley & Manuel:

Back at the coffee shop… Ashley had stormed off after getting a bit heated, listening to Manuel once again seem unappreciative of all she had done for him. Manuel’s friend Jonathan tried to encourage his amigo to be sensitive to Ashley’s feelings, as she started to get really upset and left the restauranté.
Manuel instinctively walked over to sweet-talk his bride-to-be, which resulted in a quick trip back inside of the cafe to the baño, where they practiced their favorite form of conflict resolution (That means they banged it out in a public restroom, Kenny. And yes, it was very icky). Poor Friend Jonathan sat awkwardly waiting for them, not really knowing what to make of the situation. Finally they emerged, single file, and in a much better mood (Some may even say they were glowing). Ashley acknowledged that this was no way to resolve major issues, but felt it really really helped. (Just a PSA; Don’t touch anything in a public restroom ever. Don’t touch the door, the handle, the automatic hand dryer, the faucet…. Just don’t do it)

Later on back at the house, Ashley decided to give Manuel a “chakra cleanse”, as she felt like something was misaligned in him (It probably got knocked out of place during the bathroom session). She wafted some smoke and healing crystals around his greasy head, in yet another mature example of problem solving. Manuel had no idea what Ashley was doing, and was just hoping she didn’t plan to knock him out with one of her shiny rocks she’s always going on and on about.

Since things were status quo at home, Ashley decided to meet up with her friend and sister for a dance lesson. It seems that Manuel is “intrigued” when Ashley dances for him (Better lock your bathrooms!) which led Ashley to the idea of performing a special dance at their wedding ceremony. Luckily Sister Ashley happened to be a dancing instructor (And a fan of shameless plugs), and was able to choreograph the entire thing at the discounted family rate. After rehearsing their moves, the ladies sat down to discuss the upcoming wedding. Ashley worked hard to try and convince both her friend and sister that even though there was a lot to work on, the couple will be fine after they get married, though she admitted they were rushing things due to the terms of the Visa. Sister Ashley and her friend both agreed that the marriage seemed doomed, especially since the couple couldn’t solve problems without dropping their pants.
And the next time you go into a public bathroom…. Just don’t.  

Nikki Exotica & Igor Timberlake:

Back in the land of Mold and Honey..
Nikki was looking like your standard Moldy Barbie in her bright pink beret, and seafoam green “Clueless” outfit as she headed over to a very pink inspired nail salon to fix one of her broken talons. As she sat down for her appointment, Nikki decided to try and get the inside scoop on Moldy men from the unsuspecting nail tech. She told the poor girl all about her tumultuous relationship, including the lack of seckks and Justin’s desire for a threesome. As she spoke in English, she made sure to use some kind of strange accent as to help the nail tech understand her better (Since English was not her first language, and weird accented English was not her second). 
The Moldy Manicurist felt that Justin’s low secks drive was atypical of the majority of Moldy-men, much like onychomycosis, a fungal and bacterial mold infection that can occur on nails (Moldy fun-fact of the week).

After she was all patched up, Nikki met up with Igor at a local park so they could float around in giant swan and discuss threesomes. Igor tried to convince her yet again that sleeping with another woman while she watched would really help their sex life, as Nikki grew more and more upset. She questioned if Mr. Timberlake was really the one, and was unsure if she would go through with the engagement celebration. It’s like that famous book “Men are from Moldova, and Women are from  second guessing if she’d even participate in the evening’s engagement festivities. Their love story is best summed up in the novel “Men are from Moldova, and Women Have a ….Venus”. 

Clayton & Anali:

After last week’s dinner fight, Anali had locked herself in el baño (That’s the bathroom, Kenny. You know, that place where you end up after one tamale that I told you not to touch anything in because of Ashley and Manuel?!?). Clayton tried desperately to coax her out, which actually worked, since she was sick of listening to him talk. She cried, feeling like Clayton just didn’t understand where she was coming from, and threatened to break things off once and for all. He explained that he felt like he was being hidden away, as Anali refused to tell her father about their relationship, and thus did not want to post on social media. Luckily for Clayton, I had just bought Anali the NY Times number 1 best seller “I Make The Post; Memoirs by Sarper”, Which discussed all of the relationship benefits of posting a picture of your significant other on social media to stop their complaining. Anali thanked the guru, immediately whipping up a post fully equipped with a sappy caption that she posted to her Instagram, making Clayton feel like all was well (Sarper will most likely be on Dr. Oz after this, lending his expertise). 

It seems that night number 60 was finally the night Clayton’s luck changed, as the following morning he happily announced he and Anali had consummated for the first time in the U.S. He jumped and danced for joy, embarrassing Anali and almost making her regret her decision to give in.
It was the last day in San Diego, and the two decided to spend it by going on a tandem bike ride around the city. As they peddled around town, they discussed their upcoming wedding and decor inspirations. Anali was hoping there would be a llama present on her big day, as well as a guinea pig, as a nod to her Peruvian culture (And Clayton’s third grade pet guinea pig culture).

Clayton decided to call his sister Brandi, the unofficial wedding planner who was skeptical of the wedding in the first place, to see if she could help with a few details. Brandi was happy to throw Anali a bachelorette party, complete with male strippers, as per the bride’s request (Sarper is also available for that. He’s such an all around help). But when Clayton asked her to find someone to wear a guinea pig costume and a festive llama, Brandi felt like a line had been crossed. She immediately hung up the call, and seemed unwilling to give any more of her free time to the cause (I actually have a llama connection… I can just call Miss Debbie. I’m sure she won’t mind lending one of her alpacas from the farm, and you know they already have fabulous outfits for the occasion).

Sam & Citronella:

It was just another day over in Cameron, Missouri, as Father Sam was watering his grass in the mini crop circles where the aliens had left their footprints. Sam and Citra stopped to chat, as Father Sam “extra” in “extraterrestrial” (all while wearing a blurred out “Black Sabbath” T Shirt). 

The couple then Ubered off for a day-date, where they intended to let loose before Sam had to convert to that religion he’d never heard of. The destination was a romantic locale called “Boozers”, where the two sat at the bar and ordered pretty, fruity, adult beverages. They took in a game of pool in a very flirtatious way, all while talking about shooting balls, and blue balls. 
Sam was hoping he’d be able to refrain from screwing up after he converted, since he had a horrible track record of following the rules (And also didn’t seem to bother to read the religious handbook or even Cliff’s notes).

They next headed off to the nearest mosque so Sam could at least practice once before his Bar Mitzvah. They met up with some of the local mosque patrons, who questioned if Sam had even “googled” the word “Muslim” before making this big decision. Citra tried to help him acclimate and memorize the most basic greetings and prayer intros, but clearly Sam had his work cut out for him.

Next it was finally time to pick up The Family Citra from the airport. Sam admitted he was a little nervous, as he knew he’d have to tell Father Citra about his possible new jail time. He also wasn’t looking forward to being ridiculed mercilessly by Citra’s two sad-looking sisters, who tease Sam about his looks, calling him “PopEye” (Who I didn’t realize was a devout Muslim). They retrieved one of Citra’s sisters from the airport, who smugly discussed her troubles with taking a laxative as they drove off to meet the other sister and Father Citra at their hotel. Father Herman wasted no time bringing up the conversion topic, making sure Sam was up for his new pious life as a married man. 

Looks like next week Sam finally comes clean about his “diversion” issues…. I hope this doesn’t impact his Bar Mitzvah. I already made out a check for $36 dollars….

GeeKnow & Jasmania:

It was the couple’s last night in Miami, and Gino decided to set up a romantic poolside dinner. Jasmania was blown away by the rose petals, wine, and candlelight, which was much more romantic than Gino’s usual (The Sonicare toothbrush). Jasmine thanked the mad hatter, citing that he was the most loving and caring person she had ever been with, even though he wasn’t as attractive as the others. As she continued to (golden)shower him with insult laden compliments, she vowed to try and fix her emotional outbursts. This sent Gino into a puddle of tears. He left the table, only to reappear with yet another jewelry box which he used to propose for the 40th time. Jasmine was so thrilled to see her new upgraded diamond ring, which was a much welcomed change from the unfortunate original engagement ring he had proposed with in the upside down box.

As the trip was coming to an end, Jasmine felt like the relationship was in a good enough place to finally come clean to Gino about her butt-implant benefactor. Gino slow-blinked as he listened to her explain her reasonings for accepting “Den’s” genius offer to fund her back end, and swore that it was strictly a friend-to–friend transaction. Gino felt defeated, and like Jasmine had ruined all of the happiness and progress they had made while in Miami. She tried to explain that she just had to ruin the mood in order to start things on a clean slate, but it seems that she may have done more harm than good. 

Seems like next week these two will be back to their regularly scheduled fighting and mudslinging. At least it was a nice break for an episode or two…