The Single Life; Season 4 Episode 1

It’s that time again, when all of the 90 Day singles are wrangled up to provide endless entertainment as they desperately search for a second chance at love.
This season, Chantel joined the ranks with her new title of “single”, as she is just 6 months post- divorce from Pedro, who turned out to be a “User-Moohamit” after all. 
She decided to take a trip to Greece with her 3 person entourage (Her best friend, her hairstylist-turned-confidant, and her flamboyant “twerk instructor”) in hopes of finding her own Greek God to help her forget Pedro-lopolis. The group all wore matching “Divorce Support Crew” t-shirts as they drove around town, discussing the plan to help Chantel “get her groove back” while manhandling phallic vegetables in the backseat. 
They arrived at their hotel and quickly discussed the mission for the first night abroad. Chantel’s personal challenge was to get at least 5 phone numbers of potential male suitors by the end of the night, all while staying duct taped into her scantily clad outfit.
The crew attracted some attention when they went to the first bar, where Chantel approached her first prospect; A sleepy-eyed man named “Adonis”. Chantel worked on her conversation skills and easily managed to get Adonis’s number (One down). Her entourage then spotted an attractive waiter, recruiting him for the cause. Though he turned out to be only a mere 20 years old, a mission-driven Chantel felt compelled to chat him up. She even accepted his offer to take her for a spin on his motorcycle, relying on the duct tape to keep herself (and her outfit) together. Once they made it back safely she upped the ante by giving him a dramatic kiss, causing a round of applause from the “Divorce Support Crew” and celebratory twerking from the instructor himself. Unfortunately the joyride caused a bit of a crash and burn for Chantel’s fragile emotional state, as it made her think of meeting Pedro, who had wooed her on a four wheeler during their early stages of courtship. Though she seems to be trying hard to get over everything (And by trying hard, I also mean overacting…), it seems that “The Chantel” might not yet be ready to let another man into her life to harvest the American dollar. 
(Does anyone else feel like Chantel is slowly becoming her mother?? I think that’s my favorite part!). I loveee mee Chantel!

Fresh from the looney bin was Natalie, of Big Mike/Natalie fame. Her signature boingy curls looked a little droopy this season, most likely because she’s been in the Florida humidity. She rehashed her entire history of her romance and failed marriage with Big Mike, the Sasquatch of Squim, and her current prospect- the “Talent Manager” Josh. The last season of “The Single Life” had concluded with Natalie bringing both Big Mike and Josh to the Tell All, as she tried to decide which one she’d prefer to reenact scenes from “Fatal Attraction” with. Surprisingly both men were game, but Natalie chose the unreliable, elusive Josh as her suitor. Aside from playing a femme fatale, Natalie was also busy preparing to bring on a new roommate. Mother Natalie was finally able to come over from the Ukraine, and Natalie welled up with emotion as she waited for her at the airport. 
Though she was bringing her mother back to her Florida apartment, they soon had to pack, as Natalie had decided to move them to L.A. to pursue her dreams (Which I’d imagine would include boiling bunnies…but also acting). Another motive for the move was to be closer to Josh, who she’d been dating long distance for quite some time, whether he knew it or not. Unfortunately when the ladies arrived at the airport in California, Josh was nowhere to be found, making up an excuse for not being able to pick them up. Mother Nutalie was immediately concerned, questioning Josh’s commitment and character, as she felt the two were now helpless without a reliable man. They somehow managed to hitch a ride to the airport that Natalie had booked, which her mother did not approve of (Five minutes in the U.S. and she got fancy). 

The following day, Josh materialized to take Natalie out on a date. They went to a bougie roller skating rink where the two flirtatiously skated around before rolling off for a drink (I guess Natalie drinks now…I remember that was a big problem when she was with Big Mike!) She took out her day planner to try and coordinate her blank schedule with Josh’s so the two could see each other, since he’s always Soooo maaaach busy. Josh revealed he would have to be away for work in a few days, which differed from his original plan of spending a week with Natalie upon her arrival. Her crazy-eyes went into full effect as she accused Josh of lying and leaving her alone in a new city without a car, home, or job (Which for some reason, seemed to be his responsibility). 
Josh tried to neutralize the situation, letting Natalie know he intended on helping her find an apartment during the one day he’d be around, and claimed he might be able to get her a job with his cousin in an office (I’m thinking the rest of the season should just be footage of Natalie working in an office setting. Like what would happen if a coworker ate her leftovers from the kitchen?? What would she do if she got a negative performance review? THAT could actually be highly entertaining. A Natalie-Office spinoff)
Needless to say, the episode ended with Natalie’s shmeared eyeliner all over her face, as she cried over Josh, who obviously is only interested in sleeping with her occasionally, because he’s seen Fatal Attraction, but maybe not in it’s entirity. 

New to the “Single Life” roster was Tyray (Ya know, the guy who dated a picture of an adult film star for four years only to find out it was a man scamming him out of money). He went over the details of his “catfish-esque” relationship, including all of the details we had to waste many weeks sitting through during his 90 Day season. 
Being a 33 year old virgin, Tyray felt it was time to finally hit up the gym and get himself in shape to have the confidence to find the love of his life. Tyray was looking for a woman who resembled his very own dream girl, Hilary Clinton, because he just goes crazy for a sensible pantsuit (Don’t leave that man alone in the bathroom with a Talbot’s catalog…)

Tyray met up with his long time female friend Jevon to discuss his game plan for meeting the ladies. He worked on a few pickup lines, which Jevon immediately shot down and deemed “creepy”. He did note that there was one woman he had organically met who he’d hit it off with, and would like to see again. Apparently they had met at a family friend’s funeral, which is always a great place to look for love. 
Later on Tyray went with his brother to a restaurant where they were joined by a group of mutual friends, including his latest love interest (Who was a lot like Hilary Clinton, because they were both alive). She seemed excited to see the big guy, even flirting with him, as he awkwardly giggled and lost the use of speech. 
It didn’t seem like the night ended with his first real kiss, however, and previews show Tyray heading out on dates with other women throughout the season. Personally I woud have rather replaced him with Yolanda, if we can pick single people who were catfished from the show…

Freshly escaped from “Shady Pines’ ‘ was Miss Debbie, who graced the screen in one of her wild outfits while randomly petting an alpaca. She explained her love for the fluffy, marshmallow-like creatures, whose dental records bore a striking resemblance to her former fiance, Osama. Debbie explained her past dating history, including her 2 marriages, as well as her recent Osama fiasco. Though Debbie had left Morocco and her toothy artist behind, he was still trying to call and message her to draw her back into his scrawny clutches. This time around, Miss Debbie decided she wanted to find someone a little more age appropriate (Between 50 to 70) who she can spend her time with before she buy’s the alpaca farm (Which isn’t like the metaphor for “buying the farm… she really is interested in buying an alpaca farm and I’m not even doubting that she might do it). 

Next we saw Debbie meet up with her 2 friends to head to a nightclub for some Latin dancing. She set her sights on a man in the crowd, asking him to dance, and seemed to be having a great time. Shortly after the song ended, however, this man (Gabriel) was checking out other women and being flirtatious. Though he wasn’t even aware he was on a date or even a Debbie-prospect, Gabriel already began to trigger Debbie’s red flag detector, as her ex husband seemed to have a wandering eye (As did Osama, but in a totally different way). 

I’m just hoping they change networks and make Miss Debbie the next “Golden Bachelorette” (But only if the alpacas can come too).