Jewel-Eyo & Kirsten:

It seems Netherland Barbie’s trip to New York City was off to a good start; She tried an authentic NY dollar slice of pizza, followed by a slice of Jewelyo right after. The two walked through Central Park, discussing the upcoming trip to meet Mother Julio on Long Island (they should stop by and pick me up!). Kirsten was a bit surprised to hear that Jewelry didn’t even tell his mother about her until recently, let alone the fact that he was moving to Europe and changing his name to Jewel-eyo. It seems as though he’s been spouting off some half-truths to the ladies in his life. Kirsten was now in the awkward position of meeting Mother Julio while she was first learning that he’ll be moving out of the country in tres meses (“3 months”, Kenny. It’s not that hard…).

During the grueling drive in endless traffic to Long Island, Kirsten worried incessantly about meeting Mother Jewel-EI-EI-O. His mother greeted Kirsten warmly, but admitted she had no idea he had a girlfriend until recently. The conversation was awkward, especially since Mother Julio only spoke Spanish, leaving- What Coltee’s ex girlfriend Jess would call “Ju-Lie Julio” to translate. Kirsten sat quietly eating her tostones (which she changed the name to “Tostonios” to sound more European). Julio finally came clean with his mother about the move ,which was met with shock and great upset. Poor Kirsten should just go to “All American” and call it a night…. (If ya know, ya know.)

Mary & Brandan:

After last week’s explosive fight about Brandan sitting next to a woman assigned to sit next to him on the plane, the two have somehow made up. Mary explained that the root of her jealousy stems from an ex boyfriend cheating on her 10 times, causing her to have some major trust issues.  As Brandan slept via satellite, Mary went to talk with her grandparents who had raised her. They insisted that Brandan ask their permission to have any physical contact with their irrational granddaughter, and want Mary to wait until marriage to try out all of the things she’s been dirty-talking about on video chat. 

It was finally time to retrieve Brandan from the airport! Mary’s brother Romar escorted her in the cab to make sure she stayed safe on the 3 hour ride. He also gave her the rundown on how to stay pure, as he was once tempted by the fruit of another, and had children out of wedlock. This caused a huge rift with their grandfather, who only recently accepted him back in his good graces. Mary wasn’t sure that she could promise to avoid all physical contact on Brandan-day, but slipped her brother a $20 to keep his mouth shut. 

Back on the other side of the airport, Brandan had landed, taking a minute to brush his teeth before heading out to finally meet Mary. The anticipation finally culminated when the boy in the phone appeared through the automatic doors and into Mary’s arms (close your eyes, Grandpa). They broke all of the rules, hugging, kissing and crying as they were finally able to hang up the phone and reduce their data usage. Brother Romar stood on the side lines, watching the two’s awkward kissing, recording it in case he needed blackmail with the grandparents later.

The kissing continued in the back seat of the car on the long drive home. Brother Romar, from the front seat, let Bradan know that kissing requires permission, which somehow in their one million hours of talking, Mary neglected to tell him. Once at the house, Brandan greeted Mary’s grandparents in the traditional way that she had taught him (all while some creature was making a noise in the background that sounds like the facetime ringtone. I’m sure when it’s that creature’s mating season everyone can’t stop looking at their phones). Grandfather Brandan eyeballed his new future grandson-in-law, welcoming him but making him promise no funny business until after the wedding…. In the house that Brandan paid for. 
(Maybe they modeled the ringtone after that lizard thing…..it’s uncanny!)

 

TJ & Kween Kimbally #2:

Kimbally packed up all of her crystals and chakras and headed to the airport. Her dad, and fellow nerd, made punny pirate jokes as they drove on, nervous but excited to start her new life in India. After a long journey requiring one of those giant thick headbands that look good on NO ONE, Kimbally finally landed.

TJ was waiting for her at the airport with flowers (Ahem!) and a side hug, as it’s against the rules in India to show a lot of PDA. Kimbally worried about living with TJ’s family, but claimed to love them and agreed to give it a try. Once at the house, everyone seemed excited to see The Kimbally. She opened her bag of tricks and dished out presents for each family member, which seemed well received (Unfortunately no one got nasal floss. Bummer). After present time, she went with TJ up the stairs to see her much anticipated newly constructed honeymoon suite.

TJ walked from room to room showing his bride-to-be the handiwork that he had paid for with a 7 year loan. Unfortunately for Tj, Kimbally was not enthused. He took her through the half done construction, explaining all of the features and things left to be done, which seemed to set her into a rage. Kimbally was most disappointed that there was a door in the middle of the shower, but not to the bathroom. Part of the reason was because the toilet was actually placed INSIDE of the shower (but that was okay, since it doesn’t flush anyway). TJ wanted it to be a little more open concept, as he okayed the door-less shower-toilet to be directly across from an open window, with no glass or curtain (At least if you run out of toilet paper while on the toilet and washing your hair, you can yell to the neighbors…). The kitchen counter was the exact opposite of what they had discussed, and all of the moldings and dry wall was half done. TJ couldn’t seem to bear the disappointment coming from the Kimbally, who- as a clairvoyant, should have known this was going to happen. The two got into an extreme screaming match, culminated when Kimbally called TJ the nickname for “Richard”. He stomped down the stairs (which at least upheld the stomping… ) and tattled on Kimbally to his parents. Someone call a spirit guide!! (and maybe they can recommend a plumber while they’re at it!)

Holly & Wayne the Drain:

Wayne drove Holly and Mother Holly home from the airport, telling them to pay no mind to the shanties on the side of the road. Mother Holly actually really liked Wayne’s humble abode, even though she feared for her safety and the dreaded load-shedding situation. Wayne held Holly upright on the house tour (as she was looking a little flimsy….), and told the cameras that they would be sleeping in separate bedrooms until after the wedding. He tried to explain the whole “load shedding” situation with the electricity in South Africa, which basically means they are without power for a few hours each day, during which time burglars get to burgling. 

But fear not! Wayne has a plan! He put his plumbing skills to work by setting up a few pvc pipes on the ceiling in his garage that would douse the pesky intruders with pepper spray, should they choose to take advantage of load shedding happy hour. Feeling like his latest invention really impressed the ladies, Wayne then turned their attention to his newly remodeled pool. Unfortunately that reveal was stopped in its tracks. Holly burst into tears seeing the dog house where Wayne’s dog was killed by the load shed bandits. Wayne consoled her, keeping her upright, as her frozen face sobbed the best it could. 

Mother Holly sat down with Wayne to discuss possibly moving to a gated community. She feared for her daughter’s safety, despite the pepper spray sprinkler innovation. Holly sat there, blinking vacantly, admitting she was afraid to stay in the house, but willing to look at a safer neighborhood. It would be terrible if someone robbed Wayne for a 4th time in 6 months and tried to steal Holly’s lashes…

Karmando:

In another attempt to win Armando over on the move to Mexico City, Kenny decided they should look at a new school for Hannah. The school was very impressive, and Hannah really seemed to love it (though I feel like she’s a pretty easy going kid and loves everything). Unfortunately Armando still had his reservations about Mexico City, and wanted to make sure Kendoll knew all of his concerns. Though Kenny had been encouraging Armando to come into his own and speak his mind, he was currently regretting that decision, as Armando was being a bit of a buzzkill. Could we watch paint dry now?