Before the 90 Days; S6, EP5

Meisha & Neeeeee-colaaaaa (Said like the “Ricola” commercial):

Back in the holy land…(and the extremely unholy mess of a hotel room)..
Nicola was pretending to sneak over to Meisha’s side of the room to wake her up. She acted startled, sitting up after a good night’s sleep with a full face of makeup and the perfect morning hair. She removed her ear plugs and sleeping beauty sleep mask to find her (highly debatable) handsome prince/ tour guide waiting for her at a bright and early 7:45 AM. Meisha told production that her first night with Nicola included kissing, cuddling, and some “heavy petting” (surely of his back hair, since she maintained the two were still on God’s good side). Nicola, had a conflicting story, however, as he denied any heavy petting took place and was confused as to what that meant (but probably somehow used the word “Meisha” extraneously in the sentence). He was less concerned with any form of intimacy and more preoccupied with showing Meisha all of the Holy Land hotspots. As Meisha steamed one of her many HSN pantsuits (conveniently already dangling from a curtain rod because that’s how she rolls), she tried to clue Nicola in that she was expecting their relationship to be “sexy and flirtatious”, despite the whole pesky celibacy factor….

They then headed out on their first full day together, touring the ancient sites in the name of J.C. As they took a brief stop to rest, Meisha tried to explain that she cared less about seeing Mother Mary and was more interested in meeting Mother Nicola. She was shocked to find out that not only did he forget to mention Meisha was in the neighborhood, but some of Knee-Cola’s family didn’t even know that she existed (and if he told them, they probably wouldn’t have believed him anyway. I’m still confused, but the Lord works in mysterious ways..). Meisha was really upset, as she felt like he was embarrassed of her and afraid of what his family would think (Clearly they wouldn’t have to worry that she was a golddigger, only a God-digger). 

Later that day, back at the “heavy petting zoo”, Meisha was laying on her personal bed, venting to Nicola that she felt like he was taking his tour guide duties too seriously, and forgetting the whole “sexy flirtatious” boyfriend responsibilities. She also voiced more concern about the whole “being kept a secret from his family” situation, but he seemed to shrug her off, telling her to “stop talking nonsense and go to bed”. Meisha lay staring at him, wide eyed, as he finally told her “You are most cute when you are mute” (and I might say, A+ for rhyming, but F+ for ever losing that 46 year old V card). Somehow Meisha seemed to glaze over the adorable bedtime rhyme, but not without bringing up the fact that her beloved had a tendency to deflect during every serious conversation. Nicola laughed awkwardly, claiming Meisha worries too much, Meisha needs to go to sleep, Meisha stop talking. Like Jan Brady once said… Meisha! Meisha! Meisha!

Tyray & Car-fella:

Tyray and Sister Tyray were taking in a little farmer’s market, perusing some artisanal nuts, which made him think of Carmella (aka; A man named Christian). As they strolled along, Tyray admitted to missing his morning chats with whoever was behind the Carmella phone number, and questioned if a possible reasoning for her radio silence could be that she was in jail. Sister Tyray laughed at the “Love After Lockup” crossover idea he had proposed, and revealed that she did a little recon mission of her own. She had found CarmellaSoprano’s photos on an escort page, and showed the blurry pictures of her nether-regions to Tyray for identity confirmation. This specific profile said she “serviced” many different locations in California, and diversified her clientele by accepting both men and women. Tyray seemed secretly excited to hear that ThePhotoForerlyKnownAsCarmella was a local, clinging to his delusion tightly. He tried to make a few more excuses to make sense of it all, as Sister Tyray just shook her head. I’m not really sure where they’re going with this, but I feel like we’re headed in a “Caesar”ish direction.  

David & Sheila:

As David and Sheila rode away from the airport in their cab, she relayed messages on her phone to ask David’s opinion on The Philippines thus far. Though he was having some noticeable culture shock, David was just happy to be with Sheila and hugged her tightly in the back seat. They stopped at a little takeout restaurant to grab food, but immediately experienced frustration with the whole communication situation. Sheila tried to help David decide on an entree by pointing to the options on an overhead menu board, which unfortunately he couldn’t understand. She then decided the most logical solution would be to have David hoist her onto the table with her dirty sandals on, so she could “Vanna White” the options to her beloved. David went with the ole “I’ll have what she’s having” choice, to end the scene, as he carefully lowered Sheila from her pedestal (And the guy working at the restaurant didn’t seem bothered…All in a day’s work). David was already having second thoughts about eating at this particular establishment (probably fearing a bout of dysentery in the family outhouse). Speaking of having to go to the bathroom…..David signed to Sheila that he had to relieve himself, and unfortunately the broom closet/ hole in the floor was out of order inside the restaurant. She suggested they head outside where she pointed David towards a fence and pile of garbage so he could “ready, aim, fire” (I hope he wrote “I love Sheila” on the fence, but only because I’m a hopeless romantic. Also, this could be a new form of communication for them…) 

Back at the hotel… David booked what he thought was going to be a luxury romantic suite for he and Sheila to finally eggplant emoji. Unfortunately he was duped as it ended up being a rundown Filipino Red Roof Inn (I guess that’s what you get for booking a hotel room on Shein). The room had 2 twin beds that they pushed together, only to find some kind of gross bug on the floor that they immediately smushed. After the bug killing commenced, they sat down at the sticky-looking table to eat their takeout. Sheila was already realizing the difficulty of in-person communicating, and was surprised by the loud chewing/slurping noises David made while eating (thought it was only day 1, so she found them endearing). 
Feeling seduced by the fence-peeing, bug-smushing, food-slurping, Sheila headed to the bathroom to slip into something a little more risqué for the couple’s first time physically together. David, on the other hand, was so excited about the upcoming eggplant emoji-thon that he didn’t even bother to shower, wash his hands, change his clothes, use a wet nap, use hand sanitizer, spray Binaca, brush his teeth……. He was just hoping Sheila would enjoy basking in his ambiance. Sheila was nervous, as she had never been with a deaf man before (but probably glad she’d be avoiding any dirty talk that could be lost in translation). Hopefully by next week David will have had a chance to clean himself, change, and shampoo his 3 frizzy hairs that are struggling with the humidity.

Jasmaniac & Gee-NoPotatoPeelerNoService:

Gino sat alone in a Panamanian pub, ordering what I’d imagine he’d call a “brewsky” (and then giggle creepily), as he described the recent turmoil with Jasmine. He decided to discuss his relationship woes with the cute, younger female bartender, namely the prenup situation (which obviously would be punishable by death if Jasmine found out). The bartender seemed to be #TeamJasmine, as she explained how a prenup is viewed as distrustful in her culture, and tried to convince Gino to understand where his crazy counterpart was coming from. 

Meanwhile, Jasmine met up with her younger sister Liz (who looked like she was 14) to talk things over. She almost immediately began to cry, as she told Liz about all of the fighting and drama in her relationship. Though she complained about the way Gino treated her, Jasmine explained her desire to do whatever it would take to stay together, claiming to be obsessed with her giggly Gringo. Liz tried to encourage Jasmine not to stay in a relationship with someone who makes her unhappy, but Jasmanic was determined to make it work (Poor Liz… I hope she didn’t have to stay in the house while those two were either loving or hating each other. TLC should pay for her therapy)
Next thing ya know, Jasmine was dolling herself up to go grovel before the Mad Hatter, afraid to lose her rent money. They met up at a restaurant, where Jasmine immediately apologized for the painful comments she had made about Gino’s sexy time issues, and for being crazy in general. Gino seemed to accept her apology right away and was quick to suggest taking the prenup(nush) off the table. Jasmine’s giant painted red lips formed a huge smile, as things were seeming to go according to plan. Since the prenup issue seemed to be laid to rest, she wasted no time moving on to the topic of Gino putting her in his will. Gino seemed shocked that Jasmine would even be thinking of his death, as she peered across the table at him with that crazy twinkle in her eye. She assured him it was only to make sure she would be taken care of in the event of his untimely demise (I’d watch what she puts in the potato/beet/carrot concoction if I were him….). Next time on Snapped…..

Christian & Cleo:

Back in Minnie-Apple-less, Christian bebopped over to his friend Tom’s house to discuss his trip to London. Over a weird plate of some kind of breakfast hash, they hashed out the details of his relationship with Cleo, including his family’s reactions to the news that his new girlfriend wasn’t always a girlfriend. The Family Christian were not very supportive of the relationship, trying to point out a lot of societal pressures he would face, which never seemed to have crossed his mind. 

Back in jolly old England….
Cleo shoved her 2 cats into a backpack and headed to an AirBNB in London as she awaited Christian’s arrival. As the cats explored their new temporary kingdom, Cleo explained her disappointment when Christian told her of his family’s reaction to the relationship and his new considerations for PDA . 

Christian’s friend Tom drove him to the airport, trying to prepare him for all of the awkwardness that could take place on the trip. He did admit to being nervous to lip-lock in public or share in any public displays of affection. Hopefully they ditch these two and continue exclusively filming the adorable cats…

Amanda & Razvan:

Amanda sat in the car with her RBF (Resting *itch Face) as Razvan drove onward. She explained that she felt he had been inconsiderate of her feelings since she had arrived, though I beg to differ (He should have CONSIDERED dropping her on a curb somewhere). He explained that he feared Amanada would be jealous of his lucrative acting/singing/online stripping career like many women in his life before her. Amanda just needs to go home and take a nap for a month, and leave this guy alone. 

Riley & Violet:

Back at the Majestic Motel….Riley, Mr. Majestic was slathering himself in Aqua Velva in his bathrobe, before sitting down to video chat with his sassy friend Tiffanie back home. He explained Violet’s lackadaisical attitude and busy calendar, which Tiffanie pointed out was a red flag. She encouraged Riley to talk to her about how he was feeling, and make sure she was making him a priority  

As Riley was lounging around, he got a surprise phone call from Violet, asking him to meet her for a day date at Independence Square. Riley jumped at the chance for more Violet-time, but was sweating (like Meisha and Nicola in church after the heavy petting). He tried to get the point across that he was unhappy about her making so many extracurricular plans while he was there visiting, though she dodged his every attempt. Violet was more concerned with showing off the location’s military tanks and statues. It seems the only thing that’s going to cling to Riley tightly is his wet t-shirt in the humidity.