The Other Way; S4, EP 12

Debbie & My Ossama:

Queen Debbie awoke in her new in-law-to-be’s house feeling a bit beat up. The bed was uncomfortable, the bathroom was a whole experience (including but not limited to an upholstered toilet seat), and the lack of air conditioning probably made her work that peacock feather fan overtime. As she ascended the handrail-less staircase in the morning, Debbie proclaimed that Khemisset was not her cup of tea. Speaking of cups of tea….Once upstairs, Debbie sat down with the Family Oussama where O-Som showed off his own tea pouring skills (clearly inherited from his father…much like the toof.) Debbie brought gifts for each family member, starting first by giving Father Oussama a paint set. He was so appreciative of the gift,  but even more so thankful that she would be bringing his googly-eyed boy to the US of A. Of course this was shocking news to Debbie, who had already committed to moving to Morocco and had no intentions of bringing Oussama back to Georgia as a souvenir. She told Sister Oussama (who was somehow able to escape some of the unfortunate genetics) about her permanent move to Morocco, and her plans to get an apartment in Rabat. It seemed like the whole family was surprised, as this was not the “picture” TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsOussama had painted for them.

After the family meetup, O-man took Debbie around his family farm to take in the sights and scents. Debbie came across the family’s donkey (that’s “burro” Kenny, and it was way cuter than the rest of the family members). Debbie was so moved by the adorable beast of burden that she stopped to sing it an Irish lullaby, before insisting on taking a donkey ride. She squealed with both glee and fear as she teetered nervously in the makeshift saddle, proclaiming loudly that “God did not give her a butt”, which was unfortunate in such situations. Finally the much anticipated scene of Debbie toppling off the donkey happened, and it was surely a bright spot in my Sunday.
Oussama escorted her to sit and paint together. Though he requested they create in silence, Debbie chatted, sang, and hummed all before coming out and asking if they could discuss their plans for apartment hunting. O became visibly upset, trying to shut her down, before asking if she was mentally ill. He then grew angry, telling her that they will go to the U.S. and get his Visa, or it’s over. Debbie was shocked, feeling duped by the “wide eyed” human can opener, now realizing her children were 100% right. 

Jen & Rishi Jones:

Back at the fancy palace restaurant…
Rishi was defending his family’s “bride” shopping to Jen’s girl gang, explaining that it’s their responsibility in his culture. The Friends Jen smirked and argued, unconvinced that Rishi is on the up and up, and is just stringing Jen along. They left the table to console their crying bestie, who expressed that she wanted a timeline for the whole Rishi Bride-hunt, as she doesn’t feel like his stories are adding up.

After the palace dining fiasco, Jen wanted to divert her friends’ attention from the relationship drama, so she took them to a traditional Indian dance class. The gal pals had a great time learning the cultural dances, and how to pick up money with their teeth and put it into their sarees, all while balancing some kind of clay jugs on their heads (Unlike in the US, where the “dancers” have plastic jugs, not clay). After the dance party, they sat down to revisit the Rishi topic, and devise a plan of action. They decided to meet with Rishi’s family to ask their many pointless questions, and possibly tell them about the secret engagement. Jen’s friend Randi felt she would be the most qualified to divulge this information to the Family Rishi, due to the fact that she’s a certified interventionist (aka a professional at confrontation. Her degree is from Yenta University).

The gal pals all decided to go see The Family Rishi on their own, bringing along a translator (so as not to have to rely on Jihoon’s faulty app). The translator they hired (A young, pretty Indian girl who I’m sure Rishi’s family would rather he marry) came over to pregame before the main event. Jen and friends let her know that this was sort of an ambush attack on the Family Rishi, as they planned to interrogate them in order to fact-check Rishi’s stories, as well as drop the bomb that the Indian Jesus was engaged to an American woman. The translator felt like this was a lot of drama for one day, but much better than her previous job of translating threats and insults from Mother Smee to Jenny…

Gabe & Isabel:
Back in Floriduh…
Gabe sat down with his mom and sister Monica to finally discuss his semi-secret engagement.  He explained his reason for coming back was to fix his birth certificate so he could officially marry Isabel. Both of the leading ladies in his life were hurt that they were the last to know this monumental information, and wanted so badly to be a part of his life. He tried to fill them in on all of the wedding details (Not that he knew many…seems like Isabel was planning everything and he just planned on showing up. Guess that transition to being male was even more successful than he knew). His family’s minds were slightly put at ease when Gabe told them of his forthcoming conversation with Isabel’s parents and how they were very accepting. Though both Mother Gabe and Sister Monica were happy for him, Monica took the opportunity to stir up some drama by discussing a “prenush” (a favorite 90 Day topic of conversation). She was concerned that Gabe could lose all of the profits of his successful pecker pants empire, should things not work out with Isabel. Furthermore, she was upset that she had never met Isabel, but noted that Gabe’s general type of woman tended to be controlling and jealous. Though he tried to squash his sister’s concerns, Gabe worried to himself about his family meeting Isabel, and his sister causing problems. I think Sister Monica should meet the other couples this season and worry about them…. Maybe we can exchange her ticket to Colombia and she can head over to meet “honey & honey incorporated” in Egypt for a little relationship advice…but then again she’s not a “certified interventionist”.

Nicole & SoooMaaachMood:

Nicole (who seemed to have found a hairstylist in Egypt that touched up her He-Man bob), was excited to be spending the day with her sister-in-law Fatima/handler. She reflected slightly on her meet up with Neuron from last week, but felt as though she had attacked MaaaachMoooud SO maaach that pursuing a further friendship would probably be more trouble than it was worth. That being said, Nicole set out to the marketplace with her only MachMooood-Approoooved friend, Fatima. She put on a pair of her favorite high water bell bottoms and Greg Brady’s polyester shirt so she could continue her lessons in Egyptian wife training. Once at the market, Fatima discussed the ins and outs of how to choose the best phallic vegetables, and which (live) chickens are worth bringing back to the family apartment. Nicole giggled and made blow-up doll expressions as she milled about the busy market. She felt completely codependent, and wondered why her brain washing process wasn’t going as smoothly as Fatima’s seemed to. Once back at the apartment, she discussed her desire to move back to America, bringing Maaaaachmood with her, being that the two had applied for a spousal Visa. This was the first time she had mentioned this plan, and Fatima seemed to feel it would be way too difficult for Maaaachmood to make the move.

A bit later, Moody-mood told Nicole he had a big surprise. In an attempt to get her to forget about having a friend, Macccchomood took Nicole to a cat sanctuary to try and adopt a cat-friend. Though she was touched by the gesture and enamored by all 700 homeless cats, Nicole felt it wasn’t the best timing to adopt, as she was ready to leave Egypt. Machmood seemed shocked that Nicole wanted to leave (Conveniently forgetting their annoying fights every single week this season). She explained she wanted to set up life in America and wait for his spousal visa to get approved so they could “honey” “my love” each other all day and annoy everyone state-side. Machmood wasn’t sure about making the move, and kind of left the option as a cliffhanger. It must be noted that all cats were marked “safe” from having to deal with these two for the rest of their nine lives. 

Kris & Jeymi:

Back in Alabammer, Kris and her stupid hat sat down with her mother to discuss the difficulties in her relationship with Jeymi. Kris complained that she was working hard to send the unemployed Jeymi money, even though all she does is complain (And she said all of this while moving her neck freely and without any obvious pain). Though Kris felt she was taking on the role of a “sugar mama”, it seemed that unlike most “user Moohamits”, Jeymi’s biggest complaint was that she wanted Kris to be there and spend time together. Kris, in her flinty whisper voice, tattle-taled to her mother that her new wifey had threatened to sell her necklace containing her father’s ashes if she didn’t return to Colombia. She must have had a few other complaints but I don’t remember because….Narcolepsy. (I caught it from her, it’s now contagious).

Meanwhile, back in Colombia, Jeymi sat down to lunch with one of her besties and discussed the troubled relationship from her perspective. She explained her frustrations about Kris’s initial plan on leaving for two weeks, which somehow turned into 5 months, and very limited contact. Though she admitted the arrangement was for Kris to pay the couple’s rent, Jeymi also stated that it was Kris’s idea for her to quit her job, and now she had stopped paying her end of the bargain, leaving Jeymi worrying about what to do next. She claimed to be currently looking for work, but blamed her unemployment on being Venezuelan in Colombia. Though she felt very angry and betrayed by Kris, Jeymi still anticipated her long awaited return and wanted to hash things out in person… hopefully without weapons or an unforeseen nap.

Daniele & Yohan:

After last week’s whole “It’s my party and I cry if I want to” ordeal, Daniele was still insistent on meeting up with her ex boyfriend Taylen, despite Yohan’s opposition (Because you know Daniele would have no issues with Yohan hanging out with an ex girlfriend……). Next thing ya know, she was meeting up with Taylen on a boat ride, where they discussed Daniele’s troubled marriage. Apparently Danielle had met Taylen during 2020, where they lived together for 5 months during the lockdown. Being a “semi-professional” basketball player (which is on the same wavelength as a “certified interventionist’) he knew he’d be traveling often, which prevented the two from having a more serious relationship. Taylen couldn’t see how such an independent person like Daniele could be with someone who was trying to be so controlling (Probably because she is so controlling herself). Daniele noticed her dating pattern to be in “teaching mode”, since she’s obviously so much older and wiser than her male counterparts, and wasn’t sure if this “served” her anymore. I’m guessing she’s about to place another collect call to BabaBlacksheep for some more coconut soccer or overpriced oils.