HEA; S7 Tell All Part 1

After 17 grueling episodes of this lackluster season, it is finally time for the first installation of the unnecessary 45 part Tell All. This go-around, production cooked up a new format in an attempt to to gain any interest (anyone? Anyone? Bueller?). They decided to put all of the cast members’ acting skills to the test, as they curated contrived scenarios between them. 

First things first, Angela was shown in Hazelhurst with boldface type appearing on the screen claiming her segment was filmed “72 HOURS, 47 MINUTES, AND 300 CIGARETTES UNTIL THE TELL ALL”. She appropriately called two of her “grids” (aka 9 year old granddaughters) for a little relationship and fashion advice. The girls tried to steer Meemaw in the right direction for both her attitude as well as her outfits, and she is so lucky to have such mature and wise sounding boards. Ang then went into her bedroom to discuss her relationship with her daughter Skyla, who is probably the most sick and tired of hearing about Mykull. She tried to advise her mother to cut her losses (and was hoping this would be finally over, so she could sleep peacefully without guarding her eggs). Angela teased that she had a mystery man she’s been speaking with who will help to expose My-kull’s cheating ways once and for all. Besides all of the drama with Mykall, Angela was already agonizing over seeing Sojaboy since the two had exchanged words on a previous spinoff show.

The cameras then showed Ed, 72 hours before D Day, wearing silk pajamas and putting outfits on his 2 maltese (ya know, a regular Tuesday morning). He announced that he and Liz were now living separately, accentuating the fact that this was as per his request. The latest breakup of this dynamic duo had left Liz homeless, couch surfing, and showing up at her girlfriend “J.Lo”’s house, looking for help to get back on her feet. She sat down with said “J Lo” (who was not Jenny from the block… and luckily not Jenny from Sumit) to reluctantly discuss her reconciliation with Ed- yet again. This time, the couple agreed to live separately and only have conjugal visits every other night. J Lo. seemed to feel this new plan sounded equally as stupid as Ed’s pink Crocs, but how could she get Liz to see that her “Love Don’t cost a thing”???

Already in New York were Undrrrrrei and Jovi, who decided to hit up a hotel bar together, for some reason *cough, production, cough*. They awkwardly discussed their relationships- primarily Yara and her European real estate endeavors. Undrrrrei brought Jovi up to speed on his Green Card drama, blaming the Family Libby for tattle-telling on him. Jovi tried to propose the idea that Undrrrrrei may in fact be the one causing family troubles, which of course was met with a lot of “Bleepity Bleeps” and the likes. The two got in a low-energy bar fight, where they flatly threw low blows at each other before Jovi decided he was “Mother Debbie Done”, and walked off to a strip club (Since he was in NYC, I really hope he made his way to “Gallagher’s 3000”. And if you’re not from NY and haven’t seen the commercials for that joint, I suggest you look it up on YouTube immediately). Undrrrrrrei felt this verbal altercation was just another case in point that no one can handle all of the “troof telling” services he provides.
After that nonsense, things turned towards Jenny, who was busy plodding around Manhattan, taking in the sights (which for Jenny seemed to include taking pictures of random fire escapes). She absent mindedly waltzed over to a secluded area by the water (still glad I got her that LifeAlert), when she was approached by a looming suspicious character. Luckily no one stole her purse (which probably only contained a used tissue and a few loose Tikka Masala flavored Werther Originals floating around the bottom). Instead it happened to be Kimbally, who was excited to meet India’s Most Unwanted. The two golden gals gabbed about being Californians, with Kim asking if Jenny was ready to make a comeback to the Golden State. Of course this topic was meant to go along with the theme of the current storyline “Jenny wants Sumee to move to the US to get away from his family and all of the nasal flossing”. They moved on from that topic to talk smack about Angela and her “intense” personality. Jenny, with her open mouth/blind stare, admitted she was intimidated by MeeMaw’s presence, while Kim appeared to be ready to “go dey” for Usman, knowing he and Angela were not in good standing. The two then shuffled off aimlessly after their pointless meeting. I wish they all could be California girrrrrrls….(Little known fact:The song was originally about Jenny, who was already 89 years old at the time it was written).

After that thrill-fest, the cameras moved on to show the two best shoppers of the bunch, Yara and Shy-duh, perusing  NYC  for overpriced wares. Yara seemed to be wearing some sort of dangly gold jewelry in her hair (which may have been a humanitarian medal of honor for all of her efforts in saving Ukraine). It seemed as though Shy-duh would only be allowed to go window shopping, as she complained that Bilal didn’t want to share a joint bank account. This was a bit shocking to the Ukrainian Mother Teresa, as she encouraged Shy-shy to assert her independence and demand to be treated as an equal in the relationship.
Feeling temporarily empowered, Shyduh returned to her hotel room to try and convince Bilal she needed to be on his bank account, since all the cool kids were doing it. B-lull worked his magic, spouting excuses as to why he had to be in control of everything, and eventually turned the conversation to try and make Shyduh feel bad for ganging up on him at the last Tell All. The only thing she is ever going to manage to get out of him is possibly another extra large soft pretzel. 
Meanwhile in the hotel elevator, Hurricane Angela descended upon the establishment with what appeared to be a handler who resembled the late “Big Ang”. Angela danced and twerked in the hotel mirror as she prepared mentally for the Tell All, most nervous about seeing The International SupaDupa Local Talent, Sojaboy. It was unclear whether or not she had been drinking to “pregame” for the festivities, but Angela seemed ready to brawl.

Back in the Green Room (which was confusingly blue), Ed sat chugging a bottle of Pepto, which conveniently matched his bright pink Crocs. Kimbally entered the scene, chit chatting with Ed about their mutual hometown, and seeming to come together (unlike the bottom 3 buttons on Ed’s shirt. Their struggle was real). Liz joined the party, sitting far away from Ed in HER Pepto colored pre-teen dress, and Jovi stumbled in, probably thinking this was the worst strip club he’s ever been to. Jenny appeared looking confused as ever, wearing her finest Indian attire to represent Mike Jones’s homeland. The group of washed up miscreants all discussed Angela, with Ed coaching them not to feed into her ego by giving her attention (An area of which he has a lot of expertise).  Bilal came in and was greeted by Ed with a welcoming “Shalom!”  (Ed was probably hoping his sensitivity to Bilal’s culture would help him score brownie points and earn an invitation to Bilal’s Bar Mitzvah. L’Chaim!). Jenny lightened the mood by discussing her “reverse culture shock”, explaining that her reunion with American food was bothering her stomach. (Obviously she had less than 6 bouts of diarrhea, since she showed up for filming).
Yara strutted in wearing her evening gown collection, along with an extra pinch of botox and lighter than normal eyebrows. She and Jovi coordinated their outfits, blue and yellow, to represent the Ukrainian flag (another way she has rescued her people). Undrrrrrei sat his Moldy butt down, wearing one of his flashy shirts from “European Male” catalog, as he brought up his tense encounter with Jovi the night before. He outed Jovi for asking if he was interested in hitting up a strip club while they were in town (but he was probably just hoping Undrrrrrei could get him into the clubs for free, being that he looks like the bad guy who is in charge of the women in every movie about Human Trafficking ever made). Libby, unfortunately, was only able to attend the soiree on video, as she was in her last days of terrorizing everyone with her pregnancy. 

Shaun and the cast took the stage, greeting each other warmly. Angela made her way on stage, this time wearing her wavy big blonde clip in ponytail and a green shimmery jumpsuit, like the lovechild of Miss Piggy and Kermit. She said hello to everyone, but made a point to head over to the screen where Usman was shown to let the name calling begin. Right away the two started going at it, cursing and going wild. Yara tried telling Angela to calm down, which may have worked on Putin when they were meeting to discuss a peace treaty, but was definitely a bad idea when dealing with Angela. She got up in Yara’s face screaming, before getting worked up to the point where she decided to leave, shoving the security guard in the process. This call to action was impressive, even by Angela standards, seeing as how it all happened before she even got a chance to sit down. 
Michael felt this would be a good time to score points with his wife, so he fought across the screen with Usman, eventually leaving his own place of recording. Angela was inconsolable outside of the studio as she puffed angrily on her cigarettes, while her handler Big Ang trailed behind. She called Michael on video chat, who attempted to calm her down and try to convince her to go back to the set. 
Things turned to Jenny and Stewmeat, who were crying over being apart for 25 minutes. Theirs is a love story for the ages…. Ages 30-300.

Shaun checked in with Yovi, who admitted the couple still hadn’t agreed upon a place to live. Jovi seemed to want to live in the warm Sunshine state of Florida, which would make it hard for Yara to purchase more life-saving sweaters for all Ukranians…perhaps a nice Publix sub would do.
Bilal and Shyduh announced they have stopped using protection during their presumably lackluster mating rituals (You don’t need contraceptives when there are secret vasectomies involved…..just sayin’).
The heartbreak really hit home when Kimbally revealed that she and Usman were no longer engaged. They are. however still close friends, with Kimbally hoping to be “friends with yammy benefits” (though I’m pretty sure that yammy benefits no one). This seems like a win-win situation for Mahadi, who’s kidnapping is currently on the backburner.

The attention turned to Ed and Liz, who’s new approach to their ridiculous relationship includes being engaged without being together. The two discussed their current strategy of living separately, and only seeing each other every other day for conjugals. Shyduh tried to tell Liz to lay down the law and assert herself- like she has done *insert eyeroll here*. The two claimed to have a handle on their jealousy and are making things work. Ed feels like they can eventually even live together again once they have a mutual place with separate bedrooms. The rest of the cast were all in agreeance that this idea was ridiculous, primarily the hopeless romantic, Sumee (accentuate the word hopeless) who tried to educate the Mucinex blob on the true meaning of a loving relationship (sans Kama Sutra lessons, please. One traumatizing Kama Sutra class is enough).
Ed’s long time friend Rich came out to speak on the stupidity of his little buddy’s relationship, confused as to why Liz continues to put herself in this situation. Despite their claims of “growth and change”, the couple began fighting about their past fights, with the Mucinex blob claiming Liz gave him an ultimatum to marry her in two weeks or she would consider herself mucous-free. Rich revealed that not only does Ed break up with Liz every other day, but he also breaks off his friendship biweekly.Shaun replayed clips from the season showcasing the “best of” the two’s constant jealousy and bickering. They continued arguing in person about their on screen fighting, with Liz accusing Ed of going on an Asian dating site immediately after kicking her out of the house. Bilal jumped in to try and mansplain the importance of not playing the blame game in a relationship, but he should have just done everyone a favor and said “Shalom” (which in this context, would mean “Goodbye”).
Undrrrrrei chimed in, being that he’s the “troof” police, dropping the bomb that this relationship should be over, and will never work out…. The only thing we agree on. And just when you think this segment couldn’t get any more pointless and ridiculous… Shaun brought on Rose, via satellite, all the way from the Philippines (the rat unfortunately wasn’t available to speak his truth, RIP). Rose looked great (though I don’t have “Smell-O-Vision and could not comment on her breath) as she smiled, happy to collect her check for her brief novelty appearance. Liz was complimentary, as she took the opportunity to ask Rose if Ed had been in touch (Not in a “halik” way). After a dramatic pause, a commercial break, and blank staring, Rose admitted that her father’s favorite shower buddy had recently been in touch. 
Everyone gasped at this uninteresting “scandal” of sorts, which of course was this week’s cliffhanger. Previews for the upcoming episodes show soo maaach more in-house fighting amongst the cast, with Angela threatening to Hulk-smash everyone. Until Sunday!