HEA; S7, EP 14

Jenny & SumpPump:

Well since we’ve already crossed “Kama Sutra Class” and “Emergency Room Visit” off of our to-do list, the producers figured it was time to embarrass Jenny with a Bollywood dance class. Since her daughter Christina and daughter-in-law Jen were in town, it became a real family affair (Again, SO glad I resisted getting the newlyweds a toaster and instead invested in a LifeAlert for Jenny as a wedding gift. Seems like she needs it more and more every week).  After popping and locking their way through dance class, Someitch discussed going to see his family (my fave). Christina’s bodyguard/wife Jen suggested they all go together, feeling the need to stand up to the one and only Goddess of Ultimatums and drama- Mother Smitt. Christina professed that there would be no way she could sit idly by and listen to someone belittle and disrespect her dear old mom. (Christina better start faking at least 6 diarrheas right about now, or someone is going to call her arms “fat”… I don’t wanna mention any names…..)

Later on, Jenny was in the filth kitchen pretending to clean up after Sueme’s famous home cooked meal. She ignored the giant mess (as usual) and ran off into the other room to video call a lawyer, trying to find out what was involved in bringing Smitt to the U.S of A. The lawyer seemed really professional, asking Jenny such questions like “Are you a Spinster?”, trying to feel out her situation B.M.J. (Before Mike Jones). Much to Jenny’s dismay, the lawyer revealed that the Family Swami could possibly interfere in her plans to import Stoopee, which would actually be very entertaining. 
Can’t wait until next week, when they surprise Jenny with an all expenses paid bungee jumping adventure for our benefit. Might be safer than lunch with Mother Stewmeat….

Big Ed & Regular Size Liz:

Back in Arkansas, the re-engaged couple were preparing to terrorize the midwest with their engagement (and hopefully never a pregnancy). It seemed that Ed’s generous and unsuspecting family were throwing them a party to celebrate the nuptials that will never take place (but hey….any excuse for cake..). Liz’s biggest concern about the event was that Ed would leave her to go mingle and work the room, while she’d have to fend for herself and be forced to muster up enough personality to converse with his family. Ed reassured her that they would stay arm in arm throughout the night, so no one would find out she was a wet blanket in a sparkly dress. 
The couple arrived at the castle-like venue, where the Arkansaucy Family Ed were happily waiting to greet them. Within minutes, Ed had already ditched Liz to check out the location with his nephews.The ladies of the family whisked Liz away into another room to try and get a chance to get to know her better. Of course internally Liz was turning into a puddle, afraid that the girlsquad would be as unaccepting of her as Mother Big Ed, and his daughter, and inevitably cause the couple to break up for the 9 millionth time. 
In the other room, Ed’s big brother (not sure of the birth order, but I am sure all of his brother’s are “big” comparatively), discussed the rift between Ed and dear old mom. Brother Ed understood his bite sized bro’s need to live as an independent adult in his mid 50’s, but was concerned that the relationship may have been damaged beyond repair.  
The next day, the couple seemed to have made it through the engagement event without breaking up, and decided to go four wheeling to celebrate.They seemingly had fun driving in the cold and mud, which was nothing more than filler material needed since they didn’t even fight once. Before they headed out of town, the couple had one last chat with Sister Ed, who encouraged them to make amends with Ed’s tiny matriarch, before wishing them well in a “bless your heart” kind of way. 

Elizabeth & Undrrrrrrei:

The couple were in the car (sooo maaaach in the car with these two), leaving their meeting from last week with the Evil Sisters Libby. Undrrrrrrei “bleepity bleeped” his way through the conversation, defending his stance on hating Libby’s entire family, and his particular method of yelling at everyone. He expressed that he has a “voice of wisdom” that everyone should listen to, and he has actually enlightened the family over the years with said “voice”. Libby admitted that she has sought therapy to deal with her Moldy-man’s cursing tantrums, but realizes not everyone in their circle has been so fortunate. At the very least, she recognized that telling social media about her pregnancy before telling her close family members was a dumb idea.
The two took their act on the road over to a baby store to shop for baby Undrrrrrei 2.0 currently under incubation. Libby brought up all of the joys and responsibilities they would soon be facing with a new little one on the way, which only caused Undrrrei to complain, thinking of his poor back aching having to carry around another one of his Moldy munchkins. He then brought up the possibility of being deported back to his homeland, making Libby feel like she would be completely alone and forced to give birth in a pool of jello (aka a Moldovan birthing center. They heart gelatin). Libby seemed pretty set on having Baby Undrrrrrei stateside, whether his father was standing there cursing or not.  (ps…. When is family therapy?? It’s almost time for the Tell All!)

Kimbally & International Local Talent Supastar Sojaboy:

Kim and her adorable son Jamal were taking a long walk by the water, discussing the recent loss in their family; Kim’s mother Sally. Jamal consoled Kim as she wept, reminding her that both he and Usman are there for her, despite his personal feelings towards his peer/“potential” stepfather. 
Kim took this grieving time to get introspective, and decided she needed to quit smoking and lose a little bit of weight in an attempt to get healthy. She felt that being engaged to a much younger man with interest in other wives could also be a huge motivator. But ultimately she  wants to make sure she will be around for a long time to come for both of her kids (Jamal & Usman).
Speaking of kids….Kim busted out the video chat to talk with her new supa-fiance, and figure out what they should do now that they found out a second Sojawife in America was not legal (There went their dreams of buying property on “Barney Pass”; 3 plots of land named in honor of Barney the goat, overlooking a mountain shaped like Baby Girl Lisa). As a way to scoot around the rules and still produce a “Soja-heir”, Usman’s new plan was to adopt his brother Moohamit’s (who is a user) son; Three year old Mahadi. Nothing about this faux adoption makes any kind of sense for Sojamom’s need for SojaAppleseed to be fruitful and multiply, but I guess they needed to take the storyline in a different direction (Of course he could have adopted this random nephew 10 episodes ago, but what would’ve been the fun in that?)
Usman proposed that he send his nephew/new son to the US so Kimbally can raise him, because not only does he not want a child but he doesn’t want to be involved in raising him either. Although she is thrilled that this new plan would result in yammy; serving for only 1, she feels like she’s just not up to raising another child. 
After the video call, Kim took Jamal to an authentic African restaurant so he could taste the flavors of his Stepsoja’s homeland. Jamal, who seemed super hungry and uninterested in making lunch a cultural statement, politely entertained his mother’s delusions and maintained his status of “good sport”. He did, however, weigh in on the idea of human trafficking Sojaboy’s nephew, feeling like he’s too old to pretend to be a big brother. Jamal deserves a cookie and an award.

Angela & Mykal??:
Mykal took Angela to the Holiday Inn Nigeria hotel pool to show off his new found swimming skills. The two splashed and competed in handstand contests before having a romantic poolside dinner, set up by Mykal. He presented Angela with a beautiful gold bracelet to really smooth things over and keep that Visa a’comin’. After buttering up the battleax, he asked that Angela refrain from going to see her Canadian crush, Billy. She tried to reassure Mykal that there was nothing romantic going on (even though she had admitted to having a crush on him) and she was merely trying to help him obtain a new organ (while secretly thinking about his other organs). Angela felt that maybe Mykal would feel more comfortable with the whole double standard situation if he got to know Billy one on one, so she set up a video chat. Mykal was unimpressed with the former “Magic Mike”’s pet names and flirtatious attitude towards Angela. He eventually got frustrated and walked off, threatening to leave his angsty American if she dared to visit her neighbor to the North. (Personally, I was kind of hoping they would all have a three-way dance off on TikTok, but no such luck…)

Yovi:

The carpool finally arrived in Germany, with Yara toting the sweater that will save “her people”. 
They settled into the hotel where Yara ran to meet up with her displaced friend and sweater recipient, Karina. She was as emotional as her Botox would allow her face to be, listening to Karina’s tales of fleeing her city, only to learn that her building had been bombed shortly thereafter. Yara acknowledged that her life in the zee swamp  is actually pretty good, despite her incessant complaining. 

The next morning, the couple were joined for breakfast by Yara’s friend Karina, Jovi’s random hitchhiker and strip club aficionado “Talmadge”, and Mother Yara in her “Ya’ll” sweatshirt (which was probably another humanitarian outreach program by Yara). The ladies of brunch tried to convince Jovi to let Yara and Baby Mylah stay in Europe longer, being that Jovi was going to be away for work (3 weeks on). Yara feels that Jovi is afraid she will have enough support if she stays in Europe, and will be less dependent on him. What’s the only thing that could save us all from the boredom of watching this? Maybe a new sweater…