90 Day Fiance; Season 9 Tell All Part Deux

Part two of the Tell All showdown picked up with Spahkles and Brother John battling it out on the stage. Patrick stood up for his brother, trying to defend his beer drinking/video gaming lifestyle, while Thighs was open with the fact that John is a butt-insky. The rest of the cast seemed to back Thighs, wondering why Patrick had been so lenient on his brother for voicing his opinions so openly (probably because they’re hilarious).
As the segment ended, Kenny and Tim cackled from the rafters, admitting that Brother John has some good qualities, almost seeming like they wanted him to join their newly formed alliance. They felt as though John would make for a really fun uncle- the kind that lets you stay up late and have some beer while your parents are out fighting over a decorative vase. 

Meanwhile, Spahkles was backstage throwing a fit, unwilling to go back out if Brother John and his cue ball head were present. The two argued in the green room, threatening each other, as the twin pregnant ladies in green marched their expectant bellies right out of that mess.
Kenny and Tim decided to leave their secret hiding spot backstage to consult with John (or because they were ready to film a new episode of  a “Queer Eye” makeover- still unclear). Instead of giving him a new outfit, they hung around and praised him on his snarky and now  infamous nickname, before returning to the dark corners from which they came.
Back on the stage, Spahkles was receiving praise from Thighs, who felt like Jibjab stood up for her more than Pattycakes ever did. Of course now that John was being detained backstage (and hopefully rewarded for his efforts with a well deserved six pack), JibJab felt comfortable enough to further say that Brother John is “trailer trash” that bullies people while feeling like there are no repercussions. Most of the cast seemed to agree except for of course Ari, who reminded Spahkles about how he’d been flapping his gums at her all last week. Jibjab tried to defend himself by reminding everyone how awful Ari can be, while Bini again just sat there- as if the sea witch took his voice (Ursula, not Emily).
Speaking of Emily…..Shaun moved on to her relationship with Kobe, as they shared a video montage of the birth of their baby Scarlett, with of course a few breastfeeding highlights. Kobe joked about their lack of sexy-time now that Emily is a dairy farmer once again. Aside from being the milk maid, she also now confessed that she is dabbling in cannibalism, since deciding to have her placenta encapsulated so she could intake doses of it on the daily (So now when people say “She’s full of herself”, it was a whole new meaning). Emily gushed about the benefits of eating her own body parts, as Kara admitted that she had planned to do the same after baby Karierllmo’s birth.
Kobe admitted he was afraid to be intimate with Emily, seeing as how it seemed to always result in a new family member, which caused uproarious laughter from everyone on the stage- except poor Shyduh. She sat slumped on the other side of the room, sarcastically complimenting Bilal on his ability to abstain from impregnating her. Although she was joking, she claimed the subject of family planning was a “sensitive topic”, as she worries that at 37 years old she doesn’t have much time left to have kids. Bilal still maintained that he wanted to wait another 2 years to try and reverse his presumed vasectomy, while the bell of Shyduh’s biological clock dinged loudly in the distance.
Back on the Emily/Kobe situation, Shaun replayed the couple’s journey, which included the first time viewers at home were annoyed with Emily (the whole “Guess who’s having sexy time instead of meeting their son for the first time” moment). She did have a chance to explain her side of the story, claiming that she hadn’t seen Kobe in 17 months, and wanted to reconnect before incorporating her family and the baby at the same time (…..or maybe as Michael from “Love After Lockup” would say… she was “obulatin’”).

Next in the hot (pink) seat were Summer’s Yve and Moo-ham. They played all of the best moments with “the squad”, starting with the first awkward dinner where they interrogated Yve’s foreign fellow about his sex life. Tatiana, a fellow squad member, came out to discuss things face to face. She tried to confront Mahamit, explaining that openly talking about sexuality is a commonplace thing in America, especially for the squad, who study Tantra. Kobe tried to be on Mooham’s side, feeling it was rude of the gals to make him feel uncomfortable, especially since they inquired about Moohamit’s virginity (which apparently belonged to Yve). Moham fired back by letting the squad members know that he was “good in bed”, but I think he actually meant “Good in bidet” and it got lost in translation. Tatiana questioned Moham’s true intentions, bringing up the fact that he referred to Yve as his “sponsor” and was threatening to find a new one, leaving her feeling replaceable. After the heated segment, the two eventually shook hands off stage, as a sort of truce. 
And what did Tim and Kenny think? Well in case absolutely no one asked…. They seemed impressed with Mohammit’s vocal variety during this portion of the show. They couldn’t believe he had lost his V card to Yve, and were most likely both jealous of the bidet.
Shaun turned everyone’s attention towards Ari and Bini, who finally decided to speak. The couple disclosed that their newlywed life included living separately at times, as Bini was frequently in Las Vegas to pursue his MMA career.
Spahkles had to chime in, once again, voicing his opinion that Ari & Bini won’t work out, and while he was at it, he added Bilal and Shy-duh to his list of “doomed” couples (they didn’t seem to disagree). Ariela discussed her 3 month stint in Ethiopia, where she took Baby Avi to the war torn country in an attempt to help with supplies and financial aid. She admitted that she internally struggled with being separated from Biniyam, and to help her frustrations, thought it wise to block his phone number. Everyone on the stage agreed this coping method seemed a bit unconventional and counter productive, though Ariela awkwardly laughed to herself.
Jibri and the silent Miona were up next, rewatching their season with the Parents Jibri (though leaving out the frozen food fiasco). He admitted that he hadn’t seen his mom since leaving the Southernmost Dakota 6 months prior, and the Parents refused to be a part of the Tell All. His friend, Dah-veed, however, rearranged his busy rockstar/truck driving schedule to make sure to be a part of the show, taking Brother John’s seat. Daveed explained that Yoko Miono definitely broke up the band, and he felt hurt that he had been left in the dust ever since her ponytail swung into the picture. He felt even more left out that Jibri didn’t fill him in on the couple’s engagement, as well as invite him to the deserted desert nuptials. The two ex-friends/ bandmates spent a few minutes arguing, before Jibri ultimately got up and left the stage, blinding everyone in his path. Jibjab chalked his friends’ attitude up to jealousy, since obviously everyone wishes they had a matching counterpart who rarely speaks.
After his brief backstage tantrum, he returned to try and argue his point further. Miona opened her mouth for 20 seconds to claim she didn’t break up the band, though Kobe did his best Dwight Shrute, stating “FALSE”. Daveed finally apologized for hating Miona’s ponytails, and the two friends hugged things out. The person who seemed the most affected by this exchange was Tim, who was just hoping to see a live performance of “The Black Serbs” so he could score a shiny t-shirt.
Next up were Emily and Kobe again, with Ghost Mom and Father Emily phoning in via satellite. With all of the people currently living in the one Salina residence, Shaun was concerned for the Parents’ Emily’s sex life, which Father Colonel Sanders confirmed was A-OK. They went over the whole “breastfeeding” scenario once again, with Ghost Mom trying to drive home the message that “breast is best”, and not just “toys for boys”.
After their segment, Emily flitted backstage to meet up with Schlemiel and Schlimazel (Tim and Kenny). Kenny of course greeted her warmly with a big hug, while Tim preferred a handshake, since Emily and her bewbs were icky. Kenny tried to relate to Emily, as he knows the perils of being a young parent of small children, being that he himself had 4 kids under 4 (his son, and triplet daughters who were featured on his seasons). Tim of course had no idea that Kenny had triplets, as he was probably spending the time staring at Kenny’s dreamy hair and skin instead of paying attention. They spent a little time shading the other cast members, all admitting that Ari looked completely different in person, and that Jibri was acting over the top.
Back on set, the attention went back to Ari and Biniyam, and it was finally time to rewatch the famous wine-throwing scene. Bini seemed to put his hand over his face to hide his smirk, while watching, and seemed less annoyed by the gesture than the rest of the group. Everyone seemed to question Bini’s lack of chivalry during the event, as well as his ambivalence to the situation currently. Shyduh had a lot to say on the matter, mentioning that he should have stood up for his woman, who he impregnated- not like Bilal. Moohamit was the only other one who seemed to take the sisters’ point of view, thinking maybe Ari deserved a good “wining” giving her annoying disposition. Bini tried to stay quiet mostly, and pretty much admitted that baby Avi was the glue in their relationship, as the couple fights constantly. Ari furthered the sentiment by saying the couple would not have worked if they didn’t have to put their differences aside for their baby (as Jibri’s arm hurt from patting himself on the back)
That seemed to abruptly wrap up the Tell All. The camera panned to each couple to get their final thoughts before leaving. Jibri vowed to work on his temper and patience, as he and Miona strutted off wearing their “NYC graffiti” themed matching jackets that accentuated the fact that they were tourists. Moohamit felt the Tell All was difficult, and he was glad to return to his monotone life. Emily and Kobe went backstage to suck up to Bilal and Shyduh, pretending that they saw the true love and passion in their relationship (which was the relationship equivalent to Mohomobot’s monotonous voice). Bilal tried to play the victim, standing next to Shyduh like a pound puppy, claiming to be a misunderstood nice guy. She cried while saying she can no longer stand by silently, in fear that their relationship would go the way of his last marriage, as he did nothing to console her. 

After the Tell All, scandalous text messages surfaced between Moohamit and another woman. He explained that things had started out as an online friendship which blossomed into more of an online/phone flirtation. Yve eventually saw the messages in his phone, which caused Mooham to cry, apologize and grovel. Nai-Yve said that she is unsure of their future, but should probably just make Moe “Go Egypt”. 
So that about wraps up Season 9 of 90 Day Fiancé! It’s been real, and it’s been fun, but it ain’t been no real fun like hanging out with Brutha John at a Red Sox game.  See you next season!