90 Day Fiance; S9, Tell All Part 1

This season’s long awaited Tell All ping-ponged all over the place. The entire cast of characters, all with their own heaping piles of drama and faults, sure became experts when it came to advice for each other. I felt like this “Tell All” did not disappoint, and look forward to the second half next week. Here goes the recap, to the best of my A.D.D. abilities…

Kara and G Money were the first to arrive. Kara (now sporting Go-Go Gadget extensions and an overall “Ginger Spice meets a Leprechaun” look) admitted that she and G-man are in a pretty good place in their relationship at the moment, but definitely have their days. Summer’s Yve arrived in style, wearing a Y2K type of outfit with Mohombot trailing behind. Ariela waltzed in with Bini shlumping behind her, looking like he has just about given up on life. Thighs and Patrick, who have apparently moved to Vegas since the end of filming, chattered nervously about what Bahstonian pearls of wisdom Brother John could possibly bestow upon everyone once he took to the big stage (Obviously, the highlight of the evening).
B-lull and Shy-duh took a break from their “Oasis of Sophistication” to grace everyone with their presence, while Jibri and Meowmix came in to be the human disco balls. Emily looked less disheveled with her hair blown out straight, as she greeted the rest of the cast in the infamous red jumpsuit, which she fished out of Angela’s personal wardrobe. (Why must there always be a red jumpsuit?! Is it Tell All protocol now?). 

Aside from the cast of Season 9, very randomly Tim, from “Before the 90 Days” and Kenny (Our resident Espanol expert/ Season 2 of “The Other Way”) appeared on the sidelines to kind of “Pillow Talk” the whole event. (At first it seemed like the pairing was for moral support for Tim’s “coming out” party, but that may have to wait until Part 2….). It appeared that Tim borrowed some holographic pants from Jibri and swung by the ladies section of DSW for some knee high boots to try and compete for “Best Dressed”.

Shawn looked great in her yellow-orange crayon colored outfit, as she announced that two of the couples were expecting offspring. Thighs and Kara came out with their baby bumps, while Emily cheered from the sidelines, offering a round of breastmilk for everyone in celebration. Shawn, possibly on purpose, thought to pivot toward B-lull and Shyduh (who was probably extremely jealous over everyone else’s baby news, as she clung tightly to her prenup). When asked how the married life was going, Shyduh seemed to be over the newlywed-in-the-living room phase, and was still claiming to adapt to her new husband’s quirks (aka crappy personality). Emily took a turn revealing that their surprise baby Coban19 variant ended up being a little girl named Scarlett, and she is now a stay at home mom while Kobe is out taste-testing asphalt or something… (not sure what he’s doing, but he gets overtime, and is presumably wearing more than just underwear).
Jibri got a bit defensive when Shawn began asking questions about the relationship with his family, which somehow sparked commentary from Ariela, of all people. Jibri began going in on Ari about jealousy, claiming that she’s the most jealous person on the stage, while Bini just sat there looking a million miles away, undoubtedly singing “Dancey Cool” to himself in his head. Though it was unclear why Jibri had it out for Ariela so intensely, it could have been because they both got the memo to wear glitter Lurex, and were working hard to outshine each other.
Bini, with his new found green card, is still pursuing his MMA career, which means Ariela better keep things friendly with Jibri- she’s going to need MORE sparkly outfits to play ring girl at his fights. The rest of the cast seemed to agree with Jibjab that Ariela was a horribly jealous person who only brought her partner down (as Bini sat in silence, dreaming of better days of butt-bongoing). Kobe had some advice to offer, as he felt Emily was also a jealous mate.  Emily added to that statement by explaining further that apparently women have been flooding Kobe’s inbox, impressed with what he was packing in his tighty-whities each and every week… This prompted Kobe to drop trow and show off his boxer-briefs with an all-over print of Emily’s fat-head that read “I love Emily” (putting an official nail in the coffin of his underwear modeling career).

Yve looked lovely in her hot pink caftan, as she discussed how Moohammit had become quite fond of her western world fashion choices post wedding. Of course since no one could understand Mohomobot’s mumblings, Jibri took his chance to butt in and come for Ariela yet again, really harping on the jealousy/ “Debbie Downer” factor, refusing to let up. He was definitely a sparkly dog with a fancy bone.
Shawn moved back to Pattycakes and Thighs, in their matching green outfits, asking them about their initial reactions to their baby news. Patrick revealed his surprise with the pregnancy, since his special swimmers had been drowned by his “accidental” steroid use. Thighs suspected she may be pregnant with Patrick’s one good sperm, but decided to keep the news to herself until the time was right. She had Pat make her a doctor’s appointment to confirm the pregnancy, bringing one of her Brazilian girlfriends along instead of her tiny-headed baby daddy. Patrick accused his baby-bellied Brazilian of being secretive, which really backfired when she revealed his shady past. Apparently when she was in Brazil and they were still dating, Patrick had lied about seeing an old flame back in the U.S. The rest of the cast gasped in shock, all turning on Patrick for having been a pinheaded player (though one by one they each took turns admitting they had almost all been unfaithful or done something scandalous before). 

Meanwhile back on the sidelines… Kenny and Tim were taking their roles as the old men heckler muppets, Waldorf and Statler, very seriously. They each weighed in with their thoughts on all 97 topics being thrown out at once, minus the ability to actually interject in the conversation.

There was a brief intermission for lunch, as Ariela killed the mood by carrying on backstage about the Jibri smack talking. They finally reconvened and started back with G-Man and Kara, who was now eating for dos (That’s “two”, Kenny. How about instead of making comments you show off by translating the show in Espanol so I don’t have to!). Shawn replayed their segments in which Kara treated G man like a child, which was annoying enough to watch the first time around. Patrick, who has been accused of being controlling himself, handed over the title of “Controlling American” to Kara, as she tried unsuccessfully to convince everyone she wasn’t condescending. She seemed to be stung by the remark, as her exposed extensions on the top of her head showed brightly in the stage lighting. The topic of “controlling American women” made Emily’s ears perked up, causing her to weigh in on her expertisth on the thubject. 

The attention then turned to Bilshyduh, (the celebrity couple name that never stuck). Shawn replayed the whole “yucky-house prank” scene, as well as the ever popular “uncomfortable car slap” bit. Shy-duh wiggled her way out of the awkward “aggressive” accusation, maintaining that she had simply tried to playfully hit Bilal upside his head, though now would like to get a bit more aggressive. Patrick and Ariela formed a sort of alliance, as they teamed up to coin Bilal a “salesman”, specifically the way he twists the conversation to work to his advantage. After discussing his manipulative personality and the couple’s prenuptial agreement, Shawn welcomed Bilal’s ex wife Sha-HEE-duh to the stage. As she sat down in her bright pink flowing dress, floral scarf/glasses combo, she confessed that the downfall of her and Bilal’s marriage was his endless lectures and OCD (aka 90% of Shy-duh’s complaints… notice how I did that in percentages since this is 90 Day and we love percentages so maaach). Shyduh was a bit salty over her last conversation with her predecessor at the house about the prenup, feeling as though she should have been more welcoming and friendly. ShaHee-man tried to explain her side of the story, but was interrupted by Jibri, who- having no experience in this department- tried to interject with “This reminds me of a country song, by my band- The Black Serbs. Wanna hear it?!” Bilal was noticeably uncomfortably having both Shy and Shaheed on the stage, and tried to gain empathy by putting on his victim voice to defend his mansplainin’ ways.
After the uncomfortable cringeworthy segment, the camera panned over to the two yentas backstage, who disagreed on their takes about the Bilal house prank situation, but both agreed that Tim’s boots were fabulous.

Next in the hot seat were Yve and Moo-ham. He mumbled his way through their portion, trying to make himself look like he had eased up on his traditional Egyptian man ways, by claiming to be a fan of Yve in a tank top.  Everyone tried to clue Yve in that the cultural differences in her relationship causing problems were always more obvious than Kara’s one blonde extension in the front of her head, though she still seemed shocked. Moohamit also requested a bidet in the green room as part of his ryder. 
Then they moved on to Kara and Guillermo, spicing things up by bringing on Kara’s ex boyfriend, Chris, for a little added character. Chris (who was dressed like Slash from Guns N Roses moved to Amish country) came on explaining his high school relationship with Kara, and their wild teenage ways, of course bringing up the 10 year old cheating scandal for no other reason than the audience’s amusement. He of course spent some time trash talking G-man, before Jibri jumped in, having the gall to make fun of HIS ridiculous outfit (since the sparkly firework Vegas lounge lizard suit was a much better choice). Clearly production chose to save the best characters for last, as right after Slash’s appearance, they brought out Brother John. He greeted everyone on stage with his thick Bawston accent, and quickly apologized to his brother and Thighs for slipping up and telling people about his impending niece or nephew in a drunken stupor. Shawn went ahead and played a montage of “Brother John’s greatest drunken moments”, as he watched from his seat at the Tell All, shaking his cue ball head with pride. Jibri had to interject, coming after Brother John for “third wheeling”, and being jealous of Patrick’s new found happiness. Of course Brother John did not take Jibri’s unsolicited shining advice lightly, crowning him with the nickname of “Sparkles” (or “SPAH-kles”’ if you speak New Englandanese (clearly the highlight of the evening). Jibri continued on, aggressively instigating fights with half of the people at the Tell All, all while dressed like a Lisa Frank folder, as Miona sat on the sidelines silently like a piece of decor (she was essentially the human form of the infamous “vase, for a pop of color” in Patty-thigh’s boring house). 

I very mach look forward to the next ridiculous installment of the Tell All. Until then!