90 Day Fiancé; S9, EP 15

Kara & G-money:

It was finally the wedding day, and the couple parted ways to get wedding-ready. Kara’s hair stylist worked overtime giving her a wet set of pin curls, making sure the higher the hair- the closer to God (and those two were practically high-fiving). Guillermo beamed adorably with pride in his suit, feeling much better this week about the direction of the relationship than he did previously. The only cloud hanging over him was knowing that his brother, Joaquin Phoenix, recently passed away and wouldn’t be by his side, as originally planned. It was extremely touching, however, that he thought of incorporating his brother into the ceremony with a commemorative bouquet at the altar in his honor (Kara wanted a commemorative balloon arch, but we all knew that would come out terrible and she’d just end up stabbing it).
After watching the “getting ready” process, it was finally show time! Kara and her hair walked arm in arm with Mother Kara down the aisle where they met up with an emotional Guillermo. The couple gazed into each other’s eyes, excited to finally be living out their Lucy & Ricky dream wedding. As they joined hands for their ceremony, Kara, in her form-fitting dress, recited her vows first, promising to love G-Man even when she’s too drunk to go home, singing her 5th round of “FAME!” while wearing her wastey-pants during karaoke. Guillermo read his heartfelt vows, only to have his English corrected by the bride in front of a room full of people (and if that wasn’t foreshadowing for the rest of their lives, I don’t know what is).
The officiant then pronounced them Mr. & Mrs., as Kara kissed G’s pillow lips to seal the deal. Mazel Tov to the newlyweds!  (I didn’t buy them a toaster, but instead, opted for a home Kara-oke machine so Guillermo wouldn’t have to stay out as late being embarrassed). 

Emily & Kobe:

After last week’s presumably horrible Kansas interpretation of Italian food luncheon with the family, Emily and Kobe took their Temperature back to the family house to give him the grand tour. Things heated up when Temperature pitched the idea of Kobe moving the family to Columbus, Ohio, which apparently is the satellite city for Cameroon. Of course Emily had a fit, fighting with Temp-y, letting him know that she makes the one-sided plans in this relationship.  Temp-o tried to make Emily see how much easier things would be for her and Kobe to raise their two kids in Columbus (somehow forgetting that Kobe had told him about the “oopsy baby” in confidence, and putting Kobe out on Front Street). Emily was furious that Kobe went outside the “circle of trust”, and stormed off in her stretch pants. 
After a tense car ride to drop Temperature off at his hotel, Emily went home to clear her head by stress cleaning and diffusing some essential oils that she bought from Honest Abe’s other business- A pyramid scheme Essential Oils company on Facebook. She saw Kobe’s Ipad sitting around and “accidentally” happened upon his browsing history, only to find he had been looking up one bedroom apartments in Columbus (that specifically have a “No Emilys allowed” policy). She marched out to the barn, where Kobe was shoveling sh*t his own way, to see what this was all about. Kobe acknowledged that he had looked up apartments out of curiosity, but had no intentions of leaving Emily and Koban19 (and little baby Omicron). She made it clear that the family will NOT be moving any time soon, and she planned to stay at her parents house until Koban19 is at least old enough to meet someone and file his own K1-Visa (let’s be honest… we’ll probably all still be watching). Poor Kobe feels like he’s the only one making compromises in the relationship, and wishes Emily would maybe adopt a new personality….like her sister’s. Minus the greasy bangs.

Bilal & The Queen of Beige:

With the wedding day approaching and still so much uncertainty, Shy-duh decided to call Mother B-lull over to the good house for some guidance. Mother B explained the ins and outs of marriage, as well as her little secret; The man is the leader, but you must be the boss from the behind (kind of like Moohamit and the Bidet…which actually makes for a really great band name, where the lead singer sings everything in monotone voice and the audience gets sprayed with water). Shy-duh really appreciated the words of encouragement, and concluded that her days of unproductive bickering were over. 

Later that night, Shy-shy was whipping up dinner for the head of the household, making sure to wear rubber gloves to accommodate her master’s OCD. She let B-lull know the big news, that she had changed her mind about signing the prenup, after realizing that she was being headstrong instead of compliant. Bilal was thrilled with the recent development, promising to help set up Shy-duh’s yoga studio so she will have a place to do her Gumby moves and eventually support herself so he won’t have to. Things seemed to be looking up for a minute, that was until Shy-duh mentioned adding the baby-making clause into the prenup. Bilal looked flustered, and talked in circles, before reluctantly agreeing to march his little soldiers into battle before Shyduh turned 40, as per her request. He tried to remind her that sometimes these things take time, and don’t just happen naturally, which was probably his way of saying he’s had a vasectomy. Can’t wait to watch their wedding next week (though I can always just paint a wall and watch it dry…. Same thing.)

Patrick & Thighs:

Thighs was using her thighs to weigh down her suitcase, which she was stuffing full of clothes to presumably go to Brazil since her father disapproved of her marriage to Patrick. It was then revealed, however, that Thighs was going on another Patrick-sponsored trip.this time to Massachusetts, so she could meet his mother and sister (and see that there are other people out there that talk funny like Brother John). Patrick explained that he had recently become closer with his sister, Tiffany, which was the main reason why he wanted to get married with her in attendance. He also went on to explain that his mother was not doing well, as she had recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and was unable to travel. Despite his tumultuous upbringing, it seemed important for Patrick to have his bride-to-be get to know the cast of characters who make up his family.
The couple entered Sister Pat’s house, and were warmly greeted by Sister Tiffany and her startling black eye, which she claimed was due to “falling on the ice” (She was probably just sparring with Biniyam, don’t tell Ariela). Mother Pat, who had gone over her eyebrows with pencil an extra 10 times for the special occasion, seemed happy about the upcoming nuptials, even though she’d be unable to attend. 
Next we saw Sister Patty Pat take Thighs to go wedding dress shopping. Thighs explained the short timeline to the bridal attendants, who were excited that they’d be seeing a sure-thing commission check asap. She made sure to take advantage of the complimentary champagne, as she and Sister Patty Black Eyes discussed the couples’ relationship, as well as reservations about the wedding. Thighs managed to find her perfect dress, regardless of the fact that she still wasn’t sure if she had found the perfect groom. Nevertheless, she decided to follow her heart, and marry the big guy anyway. 

Later that night, the couple met up to have family dinner. The female clones of Patrick took turns asking Thighs questions about her family and life in Brazil, making sure to work in some questions to gauge her commitment level. Mother Patrick and her eyebrows really let her imagination run away with her, having no filter when asking if Thighs had planned on getting pregnant and running off to Brazil with her baby-sized-head’s son’s actual baby. Of course Thighs was in shock having been asked if she was basically being cast in the sequel to “Not Without My Daughter” (but then again, she’s about 20 years old and had probably never seen that movie anyway…) Sister Patrick and her terminator eye chimed in, assessing that it was obvious Thighs would rather be in Brazil and doesn’t really feel any attachment to life in Dallas (except for maybe the colorful vase. Really ties the room together). Mother Pat ended the tension by announcing that her oxygen was running low, and she forgot to bring a back up battery pack (and really, who is going to dispute that excuse to leave?!). She told the cameras aside that she didn’t feel that Thighs was wifey material just yet, and worried about the potential of smuggling a future grandchild out of the country, claiming she would have to go there herself for a baby retrieval if that should be the case (She’d better remember to pack a whole lot more oxygen for that one). I think if I were Thighs, I would have smuggled myself back to Brazil after that dinner. 

Jibjab & Meowmix:

A week after the big talk with the parents, Jibri and Miona were packing up the car to officially move to California, only making stops to pee and get married along the way. Things had been tense in the house between the Parents Jibri and the matchy-couple since the eviction notice, and it seemed like a separation was needed. Jibri explained his love and closeness with his mother, though he still can’t understand her reasoning behind not fitting his wedding into her busy therapy schedule. Mother and Stepfather Jibri did however manage to take the time out of their busy schedules to come outside in their driveway to wave goodbye to the wonder-twins, as they drove off in their matching hot pink puffy jackets, onward and upward. 

Summer’s Yve & Mohomobot3000:

After a quick “spray and pray” session, Moohamit called his family back in Egypt via Facetime to discuss his relationship troubles, since Mother knows best. He was shocked to hear Mother Mohammit seem to side with Yve, telling her monotone Mama’s boy not to be too opinionated and screw up his sponsorship. Moham gave a lot of thought to his mother’s words of wisdom, and decided he could reprogram his robot-brain to be less grumpy for the sake of sticking around town. 
Since he was now putting his best robotic foot forward, Moham took Yve out on a date night to a nice restaurant. Yve was impressed by the effort, and looked great in her cute black sheer top with pearls (although she kind of ruined the outfit with bright blue mismatching earrings). The couple discussed their recent fights, and hopes that they could proceed with a more peaceful (mono)tone. Mohomobot expressed his interest in trying to accept Yve’s cultural differences and adapt, while still maintaining his personal motto “A bidet a day, helps you pray the right way”. After coming to a good understanding, Moe took Yve to the restaurant’s outdoor space, where he had a bouquet of flowers waiting and got down on one of his robotic knees to re-propose with yet another sub-par ring (though this was probably the most attractive of the three). Yve seemed overjoyed with the gesture, and felt now they were really ready to get married. (Little did Moe know, but she prayed for this moment over the fire circle….).