90 Day Fiancé; S9, EP 14

Emma-(LEEEEave, KOBE!, LEAVE!) & Poor Kobe:

Back at the architect’s house with allegedly only one bathroom…
Emily was yet again criticizing Kobe for playing with his son, before the couple headed out so Emily could pick out Kobe’s outfit for their wedding. Father Emily tagged along to give side-eye and pay for things. Kobe was excited to announce to his shopping crew that his old pal from Africa, named ”Temperature” was coming to town (who hopefully got his nickname for his love of the atmosphere, and not because he does weird things with thermometers).
Kobe met up with Temp. who schooled him on the ways of American women, from his vast experience in his new hometown of Columbus, Ohio. After a few beers and man-chat, Kobe decided to confide in Tempo about the new bun in the EZ bake oven. Hearing the big news, Temperature tried to convince Kobe to move his family to the Columbus area, where there is a large African population, and he will have more of a chance to be head of his household. Knowing his Bride-to-Be, Kobe let his friend know that moving would not be on his American Queen’s to-do list, and he resolved to adopting the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” policy. 
The family Emily hosted a pre-wedding lunch for Temperature, as Ghost Mom Emily fought off confusion if it was Celsius or Farrenheit. Father Emily tried making small talk about Cameroon, as the family perused their menus to decide what Salina interpretation of Italian food they would like to order. After ordering her own dish, Emily went ahead and chose for Kobe, as Temperature looked on with amazement. He let Emily know that this was not the traditional way of African men, who are typically the head of the household, especially Kobe who comes from Cameroonian royalty. This of course was news to the Family Emily, who apparently had no idea they were actually filming the third installment of the “Coming to America” trilogy. Kobe explained his royal heritage, denouncing his throne and royal palace, to be broke in Kansas with Emily ordering him sub par lasagna. The family Emily did not appreciate Temperature’s outlook on traditional African roles, reminding both he and Kobe that Emily is a tax-paying American, and she will not submit (well, I guess she might claim her babysitting money…)
Sister Maddie and her greasy bangs chimed in to try and put Temp in his place, right before Kobe set the record straight, stating that a relationship should be respectful and 50/50….. With the man on top. Father Emily gave his ghost wife a huge eye roll and look of concern, as the dramatic music played on.

Pat-Pat & Thighs:

It’s way past time for Thighs to come clean to her father about her upcoming wedding plans. Patrick sat next to her as they had a video chat (though I bet she wished she was sitting with Kenny… Patrick knows way too much Portuguese). Father Thighs was less than thrilled, staying mostly quiet until he was able to talk to his daughter one on one. Once alone, Father Thighs unleashed his dislike for Patrick and objection to his young daughter getting married so quickly. While this conversation was going on, Patrick was hiding out in the garage with Brother John, who tried to break down the entire situation in his classic Bawst dialect.
Eventually Patrick went back in the house, only for Thighs to bring him up to speed that hr dad was not the biggest fan of him or his tiny head. She wept, as she explained how much she missed her homeland and family, and longed to go back to Brazil. Patrick didn’t know how to react to this unusual display of emotion (most strippers don’t have those), but he made sure to drive home the point that the relationship would be over if she didn’t stay. Previews for next week show Thighs heading off to Brazil, but unsure if it’s for a quick visit or one way flight. 

JibJab & Meowmix:

The couple were virtually unrecognizable wearing separate outfits, as their Uno game was interrupted by the Parents Jibri, who requested a formal “talk” in the living room. Both Mother and Stepfather Jibri sat the two down to obnoxiously verify the details of their makeshift wedding. Mother Jibri feels that her son’s lack of planning has been a big problem, and she now would not have time to take off from her own therapy practice to attend. Stepfather Jibri pressed the couple for wedding details, only to point out the fact that they didn’t have any, and were essentially acting like out of control teens. The Parents Jibr then informed the young disorganized couple that they would need to be out of the house by the end of the year, using some backhanded psychology tactics to make it look like they were actually doing this for their best interest. Miona sat there silently, sporting her ponytail crown, agreeing that the couple should leave asap, as she was not a fan of communal style living. Previews for next week show the couple leaving on their own accord, ahead of schedule… how do you like THAT for a plan, Parents Jibri?!

B-lull & Shy-duh:

Shy-duh interrupted Bilal in his office (which is where he hatches his best schemes), and asked that he come to see a lawyer about revising the prenup. Shyduh was dressed in one of her signature 50 shades of beige outfits, as the two first went to a coffee shop to chat.
Shyduh tried to soften B up by reminding him of their fairytale love story, only for him to shoot that down, reminding her that love isn’t real and marriage is actually a business arrangement. He tried to drive home the point that he was not looking to have everything he had worked hard for taken from him, should she ever get sick of his shenanigans and decide to “Go Trinidad”( and/or Tobago). Shyduh sort of acknowledged his position, but added her own stipulation that Bilal would need to help her get her yoga studio set up. This way, she would have a way to support herself after the two inevitably divorce. He seemed amenable to her request, and the two shook hands maturely like lovers do. 

Summers Yve & Mohomobot3000:

After realizing that no one would want to be his sponsor, Mooham calmed down and decided to make amends with his OG sponsor, Yve. As he wiped the wet kitchen counter while touching things plugged into electrical outlets (in a possible attempt to electrocute himself and fix his already wind-swept hair), he promised to simmer down and be more patient with Yve’s dream wedding in the furniture storage unit/castle.
Yve headed off to work at the woo-woo center where her friend (and fellow “Squad” member, Tatiana) checked in to hear how the wedding plans were progressing. While Yve suctioned Tati’s chest (which looked like a Dr Pimple Popper commercial), she explained the whole “sponsor” debacle, which of course did not go over well. Though she attempted to be diplomatic, Tatiana could not believe Yve was somehow overlooking the Macy’s Day Parade of red flags being flown in front of her face.
Next Mohom rode his bike over to the coffee shop to meet up with Yve, who informed him that she was having a little impromptu get together with “the Squad ” at her place to do witchy things. Of course Mo was not on board, as he had enough of their ridiculous line of questioning and sad attempts at recreating Sex and the City. Ultimately, for the sake of the Green Card, he agreed to give the gals another chance. 

Later that night in the backyard, The Squad came over, bringing all kinds of unusual “Eat Pray Love” trinkets to use while dancing around the fire. Mooham was polite enough, saying hello without moving his mouth, as he stood stiffly, watching the crew and their rituals (Basically, they just finished watching “The Craft” and got inspired). Yve cleansed her healing stones through the fire, while the others made hand gestures and chanted with their “divine intentions” and “good vibes only”. When asked if he would like to participate, Mo politely declined, telling the camera aside that things just got too weird for him, and he’d rather hang out with the bidet. 
Before leaving, the Squad members asked Moohammit if he liked them, and were shocked to hear his negative answer, though his computer chip was programmed to smile. He articulated his annoyance at the ladies’ previous rude line of questioning, before confessing that the fire ceremony was a bit too weird for his taste.  Yve seemed genuinely upset and surprised that Moe wasn’t into her unique backyard activities, being that he was a strict Muslim man from Egypt and all….
Can’t wait to see what the Squad wears to the big wedding, and how drunk they are during their speeches. 

AriOldYeller & BiniBiniYumYum:

Last week, Ari was doubting her relationship with Bini, since the two don’t have anything in common and don’t want the same things in life. This week, she decided that was okay, because Bini makes her two year old laugh. The end.

Ok fine. Ari went through the motions of wedding planning, unsure of the couples’ future. They picked out a super-saver Chuppah (traditional Jewish wedding arch) strewn with her Grandma Yetta’s old schmatta and one of Bini’s many Ethiopian scarves to incorporate both cultures (the rest was covered in cheap tulle from JoAnn Crafts). 
With only 7 days until the wedding, Bini decided to step up to the plate and bust out the old sewing machine to tailor Baby Avi’s suit for the big event (Seriously, is there anything Bini can’t do?!). He expressed his interest in making the relationship with Ari work in order to keep his family together, mainly out of fear of losing his son.
Ari returned from strutting around Princeton in her mom jeans to have a chat with Biniyam about where they stood. They ultimately agreed to keep the family together, despite their differences (and despite how bad their Chuppah looked).

Kara & G-Money:

Still feeling a little uncertain about the marriage, G-man had a video chat with his Mama to talk things out. Mother PillowLips explains to her young son that there will always be doubt and issues, but she seems to be a fan of his current babysitter. Guillermo instantly felt better about his decision to get married, and promised to have his mom tune in via satellite.

He then had a quick touch-base with Kara to smooth things over and let her know he has come to terms with her wild ways and bossy attitude. Luckily this all happened just in time for her last minute bachelorette party with her friends, while he hung out downstairs with Chiqui Mama (That’s the party I’D rather attend). As one may have guessed, Kara’s bachelorette party was decked out in phallic decor and a “BRIDE” crown. Her mustached friend Tim was in attendance to celebrate in all of his 80’s glory, as Kara filled the attendees in on the recent drama with G-Money. They all offered advice, but ultimately it seemed like everyone agreed that Kara was a headstrong annoying drinker, who can be a bit too bossy. Previews for next week show the two getting wedding-ready, and Kara has big hair.