90 Day Fiancé; S9, EP 13

Patrick & Thighs:

Back in the sterile kitchen…. Patrick decided to invite Thighs to their wedding, which he now decided will be taking place in Orlando. He figured since his brother and sister were randomly taking a vacation to Disney without him, he would crash the trip and it make it all about him, by forcing his family to witness his marriage to the teeny bopper bride (and probably watch her scarf down some scrambled eggs at the hotel’s continental breakfast… that girl loves her breakfast). Thighs seemed a bit put off that Patrick didn’t bother to consult her in the wedding planning, and was still a tad bitter that he refused to marry her in Vegas like the stripper wedding from The Hangover. Nevertheless, she respected his wishes to get married on the date he had chosen, February 22, 2022, as he explained the date had a significant meaning to him (Ya know, 2.22.22 so he could actually have a chance at remembering it. It’s also his neck size). 
Later on Thighs went out to meet up with some new girlfriends for a ladies night. Apparently one of the “ugly” girls at the party thrown by Brother John was attractive enough to become Thighs’ friend. As luck would have it, the ugly new friend just happened to be friends with another Brazilian girl, which she of course introduced to Thighs so they could talk smack about her in Portuguese.The ladies gabbed away about Thighs’ upcoming wedding plans, commenting on Patrick’s controlling ways, and even mentioning that he booked everything from the venue to the hair and makeup people on his own (He did call me about wedding hair, but I told him I was booked until 3/3/33). The new fake-friends Thighs both agreed that Patrick was doing a bit too much, but they thought he did have a point about revealing the wedding plans to her dear old dad. Basically, the whole forced dinner scene was another round of “Thighs won’t tell her dad about the wedding, but she should” that they’ve been pushing for 3 weeks now, except this time without a fun slurred Boston accent.
Next we got to tag along with the Bawston Bruthahs on a trip to go suit shopping, with Brother John prepared to give any and all advice, be it fashion or other. The sales girl (who was as ugly as the girls at the party, not as hot as Thighs, and definitely not hotter than a stripper) luckily had a size 56” collared shirt to fit Patrick’s thick neck for the perfect wedding look. As the fashion show commenced, brother John tried to check in with his meaty married-man-to-be, making sure he was being honest with Thighs about all of the pressure he’d been feeling lately. Of course Patty just tried to brush off his lack of communication, claiming that he’d rather just bench press 600 lbs and choke down some mustard-ketchup chicken than talk.
Back at the house, baby Theo made an appearance as the couple fought again over the wedding planning and Patrick’s controlling behavior. Pat claimed that he was just booking things quickly to check them off his never ending “to-do list”, as he felt stretched thin between working, translating, and making Thighs’ breakfast todos los dias (that’s “every day”, Kenny. And yes, she loves those scrambled eggs). At the end of the conversation, Thighs agreed to tell her father about the wedding, even though she knows he isn’t exactly #TeamPatrick, and would most likely be upset (Ya never know, he might be relieved he doesn’t have to be the one to make her breakfast anymore).

Emily & Kobe:

Back in Salina… Kobe was hanging out in his own bedroom when Emily approached him to help run an errand. They set out on the road, all the while going over the whole “back up ring” incident from the last episode, and how Emily is kind of awful. He seemed to give her a little slack, attributing her horrible displays to her elevated stress level from wedding planning (though, I’m pretty sure this is just her personality all of the time. Sorry, Kobe. Might want to return that ring to Amish Abe while you still can). During the car ride, Emily announced the real purpose of the trip was to buy a pregnancy test, as her period was a few days late. 

Of course Kobe became immediately terrified, most likely thinking of Colonel Sanders/Father Emily’s only house rule: “A glass of breastmilk a day keeps the doctor away” (Okay, maybe the other house rule… “No new Koban19 variants!!”). Emily tried to remind Kobe that it was his genius idea for requesting that she refrain from taking birth control, as he felt it could lead to issues down the line when trying to conceive baby Delta (Burke) and Omicron. Kobe reminded Emily of her solution, the “pull and pray” method (which she learned while ring shopping at “Amish Abe’s House of Fine Jewels and Shoofly Pie”, as it was the method most commonly used back in Pennsylvania Deutschland). Kobe further threw Emily under the bus, announcing that she went one step further, telling him he didn’t even have to “pull”, being that she had been tracking her cycle and felt that one of their two date nights occurred on a safe day (And confirmed this with Leandro, who is in charge of tracking everyone’s cycles, apparently). Of course most viewers may think this might be Emily’s way of trapping Kobe in Salina for all eternity (and if all else fails, there’s always the other option; Hobbling him a la the movie “Misery”). 

They arrived at the local drug store and purchased a test, deciding to take it in the store’s restroom facilities, to avoid any trace evidence being found at the house by Father Emily (This was right before the Salina Family Pharmacy made the bathrooms “Employees Only”)

Of course there was the obligatory prolonged “door” shot, as the camera waited for Emily to emerge with the results. The first blind reaction was a choice 4 letter word, as the couple exited the restroom about to be a family of 4. Kobe looked devastated, as he was crushed under the weight of trusting Emily’s family planning techniques (which ironically, was also the technique itself). Emily tried to reassure him that they could tell her parents after they were done paying for the couple’s wedding, and could hide the pregnancy as long as she wasn’t showing. It seemed as though Emily was far more into the idea of having another child than Kobe was, though she blamed him for trusting her totabilities. 

Kara & G-Money:

Now that things are full-steam-ahead with the wedding planning, Kara has really upped her DIY game from mere balloon arches, to decorative bottles and creative space decor. They decided to expand the guest list from 4 people (bride and groom included) to approximately 40 (hopefully ex-boyfriend/baby Kevin Federline included). Kara grilled Guillermo over his wedding “to do “ list, treating him in an even more condescending manner than usual. G-Man was upset to revisit “bossy Kara”, questioning if he should even go through with the dream wedding if it meant having to live with his new annoying jefe. 

As dictated by his “to do” list, Guillermo headed over to the local Great Clips to talk smack about Kara to his resident hair stylist. Of course the stylist had to weigh in on the relationship, reminding Pillow Lipped G that marriage would definitely not make Kara less bossy, so he’d better be prepared to take orders from here to eternity.

Thinking over what the wise hair cutter had said, the freshly sheared Guillermo took Kara out for a date night, only 2 days before their wedding ceremony, to air his grievances. He first brought up the fact that he didn’t want her to party as much after they were married, and more importantly, didn’t want her to treat him like a child. Of course this didn’t sit well with Kara, who’s attitude went immediately to an 11, as she denied belittling her pillow lipped prince, and demanded they go home. (And they went home. Way to stand your ground, G.) 

B-lull & Shy-duh:

The couple were back outdoors this week, heading out on a nice picnic to discuss last week’s “Shy’s of Bilal” meetup. Shy-DUH tattle-taled that Ex Wife Shy-HEED-duh, was trying to intimidate her into signing the prenup (especially after Bilal slipped her a $20). Though he didn’t agree with his ex wife being the messenger, B-lull did reiterate the importance of the prenush, explaining his romantic view of marriage being a business with important mergers and contracts. And, just like every other episode before, the conversation fell flat before heading off to another segment…

Since the first few times bringing up the prenup didn’t go too well, Billal thought to broach the topic yet again, this time with a printed hard copy (I was kind of hoping he would have done it at the State Fair on the Gravitron, for maximum effect). Realizing that he wasn’t going to just let this go, Shyduh pretended to review the paperwork (even though it clearly stated that if things didn’t work out, she could not keep the “oasis of sophistication”). She agreed to have a lawyer look things over and add a few clauses in for herself. This whole prenush theme is turning into a “Green Eggs and Ham” situation…. “Will you sign it on a train? Will you sign it in the rain??” With Shyduh constantly replying “I will not, will not in a tree. I do not like your O.C.D.”. 
Enough already. Next!

JibJab & Meowmix:

 Jibjab saged the house in an attempt to clear the air before Miona’s big chat with Mother Jibri about the couple’s wedding plans. Meowna approached the couch with her ponytail perfectly affixed on the top of her head, as she announced their plans to elope now with a big wedding to follow in a year. Mother Jibri had to protest by saying she would not be attending as she can’t for some reason leave the state (though they never showed her ankles…), as the two ladies had a very polite, yet passive aggressive discussion.

After the chit-chat, Miona went back to the couples’ bedroom to gossip with her matching counterpart, reporting that the meeting went as well as it could. Meanwhile, on the other side of the house (which looks tiny from the outside but like an endless mouse trap on the inside), Mother Jibri was recounting the same conversation to her husband Brian, in a much different light. It seems that Stepfather Jibri was very much against the couple’s marriage, even if Mother Jibri was taking the whole “let them learn from their mistakes as we sit here smugly and disapprove” standpoint. Previews for next week show the Parents Jibri pulling out their last stop; An eviction notice. Can’t wait to see what outfits they’ll wear for that! Hopefully something warm…

Summer’s Yve & Mohomobot3000:

After last week’s heated car ride, Mohommit and Yve seemed to have made up for the time being and are excited to tour a new potential wedding venue. Yve was blown away by the abandoned Haunted Mansion, whose mismatched, hap- hazzard decor really “dazzled” her, as it resembled that of her own house.Though Mohomobot3000 was as excited and moved as the computer chip in his brain would allow, he managed to remain practical, asking Yve to marry him on paper before they tie the knot at the Mad Hatter’s chalet, and possibly in a mosque. Yve, who was planning on wearing her favorite bikini, did not love the idea of a mosque wedding, as she felt like she’d be judged on her big day. 

Later on at the house, Mohomobot decided to hit up Yve with a text message from across the house, letting her know that he has been looking around for a more eager sponsor who will plug him in at night and tell him he’s pretty. Yve felt lost and confused (most likely because they were texting from different rooms in the same house), and walked over to the kitchen to confront him. Moham tried to explain things from his perspective, that he would like to be able to work and support himself, and that he has no interest in some big wedding display. He did not seem to appreciate Yve’s constant recanting of all that she has done for him, and disregarded her feelings entirely, leaving her feeling replaceable. Neither one could see things from the others’ perspective, which left Yve in tears and Mohomo in a state of “does not compute”.

Looks like there will be a continuation of this next week…. Though Moe should just “Go Russia” already.