90 Day Fiance; S9, EP 11

Kobe & Emily:

Emily finally took Kobe’s lonely nights into consideration, and declared it was time to go mattress shopping. The two headed over to the local “Mattress Hog” (the only store that could accommodate her). Kobe and Emily seemed to be having a great time trying out the “magic fingers” model (now accepting Venmo and ApplePay, no cash). After deciding on their sleep number, they happily headed home (well, presumably headed home. The editing in this episode was horrible… it’s like they just quit trying). 
Emily magically disappeared and Kobe was seen in a different outfit with Father Emily/Colonel Sanders and Sister Emily with the greasy bangs heading into a jewelry store. Kobe was feeling pressured by his fair milk maiden to re-propose with a ring that she deemed acceptable, which was the reason for the family outing. The salesman at the fine jewelry establishment looked like he may or may not have recently left the Amish community (or still could be out on Rumspringa), and somehow fell into the jewelry sector. His protruding goatee bounced gently as he explained the different ring options. Sister bad bangs tried to steer Kobe in the right direction, so Emily might finally STFU (as per Kobe’s famous advice) about the ring and move on with life. Father Emily seemed to only be along to shrug and give side-eye, as he repeated his “better save your money” mantra, in his fancy “Calvin Klein” scarf from Marshalls. 

With Sister Maddie’s guidance, and a sweet discount from Honest Abe the Amish Ringsmith, Kobe finally made his purchase for the grand total of $1,100 (Personally, I’d rather have half of a restaurant in Cameroon for that price). The trio headed out of the store, leaving Abe to close up shop and think about all of the gas money he’s saving driving his horse and buggy around Salina. 
Later on, the couple ditched Coban19 to head out on a date night, all planned by the Kob-ster. After a few much-needed shots of Saki, Kobe finally worked up the courage to propose. He had the waitress bring over a glass of champagne with the new and improved engagement ring inside, which Emily drunkenly fished out with her chopstick before declaring she was done eating and ready to test drive the new mattress (but said in much more vulgar “Emily” terms). 

Back at the ranch… The entire Family Emily was waiting in the living room (sitting on baby Coban19’s personal leather changing table), excited to see how the new bling went over. They all politely congratulated the couple with champagne, while Emily thought it was the perfect time for a confession. She walked over to her purse and pulled out her self-purchased engagement ring, explaining to Kobe that it was more of a “just in case” ring (plus Honest Abe gave her an amazing deal..she only had to trade one load of horse dung for it, shoveled from the top, of course). Kobe was hurt and offended that Emily doubted his commitment and ability to give her the ring of her dreams, and immediately excused himself from the lackluster celebration to hopefully take up the entire new bed himself. Emily was left sitting there, giant mouth agape, realizing only slightly that Beyonce wasn’t talking to her personally in the “Single Ladies” song. Oops……She did it again.

Bile & Shy-duh:

After last week’s ride on the “Wheel of (Lose Your) Fortune”, Shyduh was reflecting on her rocky  time in America and feeling like things were a bit doomed. B-lull went downstairs to have a check-in with his sister, letting her in on his slick strategy of showing Shy-duh the prenup while she was trapped a million feet up in the air and already feeling slightly nauseous (Smooth move, Exlax). Bilal further explained his theory that marriage is as much of a love transaction as it is a financial agreement, like Shakespeare always said. Sister Bilal felt there were valid points from both parties, though I’m sure she would just like to know whether or not she should waste her time continuing to design a wedding dress that was most likely going to end up being sold on Ebay.
In the meantime, Shyshy was upstairs on a group chat with half of her family, filling them in on Bllull’s latest idea of “romance”. Her sisters and mother reminded her about all that she had given up in Trinidad (and/or Tobago), like her extra bendy yoga studio. They felt that she should add an amendment to the prenuptial agreement in which B-lall allows her to tote an egg by the time she’s 40. Shyduh agreed, as she had expressed multiple times that having children is a must in her life, even if it meant they may have OCD. 
Later on the couple was packing up their things to head home, with Bilal neatly folding each belonging and Shy-duh the water spiller sloppily throwing her things haphazardly into the bag. Shy felt it was time to bring up her own “baby making” clause for the prenup, which really seemed to catch Blul off guard. He tried to avoid the topic by questioning her commitment to even getting married, as he then criticized the way she tried to zip up her exploding luggage.
The subsequent car ride to the airport was silent and painful, much like most of the relationship. Sister Bilal tried to wrap things up on a warmer note, wishing the couple well and inviting them back to visit any time (which she probably figured was safe to do, as it was looking like they were about to break up). 
As they headed through the airport, Shy-duh questioned if she could go through with actually marrying her fiance since things seemed to be going horribly. Hope next week he doesn’t take her on the tilt-o-whirl and ask if she would be into an open relationship. That’s a whole other show. 

Ari & BinibiniYumYum:

Ariela was roaming the streets of Princeton in her 2 piece crop top Burberry knockoff set from Shein, contemplating the state of her relationship. She stopped at a café to meet up with her ex-husband/ bra dealer, Leandro, since he is the perfect person to help with relationship advice. They were joined by Bini, just to up the awkward factor (and ya know, for a storyline, now that the big fight is over and these two are yawn-inspiring, it was time to cue in Leandro for the “awkward ex husband” direction). Ari brought up the fact that BinBin was sparring with another woman, and Leandro chimed in, encouraging Bini to be truthful. Since things are already uncomfortable, Ari decided to invite her ex to join the family for Bini’s first state-side celebration of Ethiopian New Year. Of course this made Bini uncomfortable, but he agreed for the sake of the show (thanks, Bin) 

The family + Leandro all met up at the Ethiopian restaurant to partake in the holiday festivites. Mother Ari (better known as the Positive Gangster) seemed thrilled to have her ex son in law and her future son in law all sitting together as one big happy family. She really accentuated the importance of Leandro’s attendance, taking the time to discuss his Argentinian culture and traditions, detracting from the fact that it was Biniyam’s holiday and they were supposed to be #TeamEthiopia now. Ari, in her crushed blue velvet dress and glitter eyeshadow, went around the table feeding everyone with her hands, as per the Ethiopian custom. Bini volunteered to hand-feed Leandro, making sure to choke him out with a huge portion of food, like they were in some kind of passive-aggressive petting zoo. 
Sister Ari showed up on cue, just in time to up the awkward factor. Biniyam explained that Ethiopian New Year was all about new beginnings, with Ari’s family taking the opportunity to mention he should turn over a “new” leaf, and start telling Ari the whole truth and nothing but. 
As if that wasn’t weird enough, Ari invited Leandro to go wedding dress shopping with her mom and sister, reminiscing about that one time he picked out her wedding dress for THEIR wedding….Not. Weird. At All….
Previews for next week show Ari complaining that she’s nauseous, and taking a pregnancy test (though it could have been related to someone feeding her by hand at the Ethiopian restaurant… just saying. But if the pregnancy test comes back positive, we can say she has a case of Coban19). 

Patrick & Thighs:

Back in the House of No Decor, Patrick is yet again feeding his child bride breakfast, because that girl loves her desayuno (That’s breakfast, Kenny. Also, where have you been?!?!). Patrick decided to surprise Thighs with a spur of the moment trip to Las Vegas (ince he had been worried about finances and the wedding….)
Though he was probably looking forward to seeing some naked Thighs in a fancy hotel room, Patrick also wanted to take his future Mrs to see the place where he spent years of his troubled childhood, and introduce her to his younger brother. As they cruised the strip, he once again explained his mother’s drug addiction, and his tumultuous past. 
They met up with Patrick’s brother Matthew and his partner, Carlos, so they could get to know Thighs. Things seemed to be going well, that is until the subject of the Family Thighs was brought up. This was the first Patrick was hearing about Thighs keeping their wedding a secret from her father,, and he was distraught. He couldn’t understand why she would hide something so important, completely oblivious to the fact that her father isn’t his biggest fan.

In the car ride back after dinner, Patrick confronted Thighs about the fact that she hid their upcoming marriage. Patty boy worried that Father Thighs might think he was only importing his young daughter because she was “hot” and he totally wanted to “do it”, but obvs. there’s so much more to the relationship….I’ll wait here………
Thighs didn’t know how to break the news to her intended that her father wasn’t crazy about him or his tiny head, and she worried that Patrick wouldn’t let the topic go. Of course the fight followed them back to the hotel, where Pat finally expressed that he would not go through with the wedding unless his beloved came clean to dear old dad. 
Thighs called her father to say hello, claiming she would tell him about the wedding all in due time. (Again, the editing in this episode was so choppy and really jumped around…It was almost like a TikTok video).
Thigh wanted Patrick to go to an undisclosed location for a little “surprise” that she somehow planned herself, having known little to nothing about Las Vegas except Larissa and her more biggie. Patrick was shocked when they arrived at a wedding chapel, where Thighs smiled and laughed, ready to become Mrs. TeenyHead at a moment’s notice. Patrick, being a big fan of “The Hangover”, felt like the cheesy Vegas wedding chapels were exclusively where you goto marry a stripper (after stealing Mike Tyson’s tiger) , really killing the mood. 
Thighs was noticeably upset, as she stormed off (and hopefully drowned her sorrows at the Magic Mike Experience, which Patrick-despite all of his muscles, could never compare). 

Summer’s Yve & Moohomobot3000:

Yve and Moo-ham headed off to the gym to get pumped (With Moo wearing a punny skeleton t-shirt that I really appreciated). Yve had to do a quick check in to make sure her workout attire was Moham-approved, as he muttered “Ees fine”, to avoid another annoying fight. He acted as Yve’s personal trainer as they walked the treadmill, side by side, for a romantic sweat. Yve expressed her desire to have a baby together (as if one person with that voice wasn’t enough…may as well make another). Mohammit seemed indifferent on the topic of having a baby, but only agreed to spawn if the child would be raised Muslim. Of course his reaction was unimaginable to Yve, who must have spent the last two years texting him heart-eye emojis instead of talking about anything of any substance. These two could use a counseling session with Mother Jibri…    

Jibjab & Meowmix:

Back in the Southern-Most Dakota, Mother Jibri was bracing herself for a tough therapy session/intervention at family dinner. Meowna and Jib entered the house wearing matching black and white outfits, unsure of what the night would bring. As they dined on pan-fried burgers (a nice change of pace from the frozen Bertoli’s), Mother Jibri began airing her grievances about the couples’ upcoming nuptials. It was basically Festivus.
Jibri somewhat agreed with Mommy Dearest, being open about his own reservations with respect to the marriage, and leaving Miona out to hang by her synthetic ponytail. Grandma Jibri was also in attendance (not a regular Grandma, a cool Grandma), though she expressed concerns over the fact that the couple seemed constantly stressed, despite their cohesive attire.
Miona explained her struggles since giving up everything in her life to move to the states, which she did all in the name of love and fashion. The Family Jibri did not understand why the couple refused to wait beyond the 90 days to tie the knot, as to relieve the stress and pressure of getting married under such a strict timeline. Jibri took the opportunity to lay into every single thing that has been bothering him about Meowmix since the bronzed beauty arrived, as she sat silently heated, on the verge of tears. Even Mother Jibri told him to slow his roll, either feeling badly for Miona, or to appear as though she suddenly grew feelings. Miona explained that she refused to jump back into a long distance relationship again, which is why she had given Jibri an ultimatum last week. Poor Meowna just wants her beesh wedding, and everyone has to act like a beesh…

Kara & G-Money:

Things were somber over in the Kara and Guillermo camp, as unfortunately G’s brother had become very ill. He suffered from renal failure, and the situation was not looking good. Guillermo was so upset and stressed out being far away from his family at such a critical time. He reminisced about his childhood bond with his brother, Jose Juaquin, and cried thinking about having to say goodbye. Kara was supportive throughout their talk, and stayed close the next day when he received the terrible news that his brother had passed on.

Guillermo was in shock, unable to yet process the loss. As he reflected on memories with his brother, he recalled how supportive he had been of G’s relationship with Kara, which in turn made Guillermo want to try harder to make things work.