90 Day Fiance; S9, EP 10

Emily & Kobe:

The couple took a drive out to the picturesque area known as “Rock city” (which had nothing to do with Detroit or a rock lobster). It was indeed a field full of large dung-looking rocks, similar to the contents of Emily’s head. Kobe (like myself) was confused as to why they drove 30 minutes out to see a bunch of rocks as a photo op, while Emily tried to assure him that all of the cool kids of Salina love rock-gazing. I’m guessing the only reason for this outing was to show the two seemingly having fun, instead of fighting about breastmilk. 
After the awkward rocks, Emily went wedding dress shopping with her Ghost Mom (in her long ghost gown and Sherpa jacket),  her sister Maddie with the greasy bangs and bad boots, and her grandmother (who was probably embarrassed to be seen with them). Emily followed the sales associate (who was a big Rapunzel fan, with her 30 ft long braid) into the fitting room so she could shove herself into a few princess dresses. The first dress (an A-line strapless number) received positive feedback from the crowd, but they didn’t feel like it was “the one” (possibly because the neckline wasn’t easy-access for breastfeeding). The second dress, however, was the ultimate crowd pleaser, as it had some straps, allowed for an “all you can drink” buffet for Coban19, and was very flattering at the waistline. Emily sipped champagne, as she savored every minute of her fancy “me” day, agreeing that dress number 2 was the winner. She mentioned multiple times that she was the most excited to see the ring Kobe was going to give to her, conveniently forgetting that she’s been the most annoying of all time. Ghost mom tried to point out that there are more important elements in a marriage than a big shiny ring, but Emily begged to differ. She had her sister reach into her purse, where she found a small jewelry box containing a ring that Emily’s biggest fan had purchased for her; Herself. She slipped the ring on to her awkward finger, squealing with excitement and gushing over how beautiful all one karat of it was. Though the ladies agreed that the ring was visually pleasing, they could not get over the audacity Emily had to spend all of her babysitting money on buying herself an engagement ring. Furthermore, they pointed out that Kobe may still have a momentary lapse in judgment and actually purchase a ring for her, in which case she would have to put aside her self-bought trinket; For better or worse. But…. she’s kind of always for worse. Emily should go back to Rock City and kick rocks. 

JibJab & Meowmix:

After the troublesome trip to Chicago, Jibri returned to South Dakota where his parents wanted to meet him for “a talk”. They sat down at a coffee shop and opened the conversation by discussing the couple’s upcoming “beesh” wedding. The Parents Jibri felt that his relationship with Meowmix, though excellent for outfit-matching, is dulling his otherwise bright and bubbly personality. They feel their future ponytail-in-law is a bit of an “Anfisa”, that doesn’t give their son his privacy and is bringing him down. The Parents Jibri also mentioned that they would not be in attendance for the beesh wedding, due to the fact that they didn’t feel this was really in his best interest. Of course this deeply hurt Jibri, who was second guessing the marriage at this point, despite his love of matching, and seemed to start believing there must be some validity to his friends and family’s concerns.

After a change of clothes (to coordinate, of course), Jibjab picked up Miona so they could talk things out at a local park. He unloaded how he’d been feeling along with his parents’ recent concerns. Meowmix clapped back by bringing up Mother Jibri’s clothing critique and backhanded comments, claiming that Mother Jibri never even gave her a chance (guess she’s more of a Fancy Feast gal). Feeling stuck in the middle of his friends, family, and fiance, Jibri brought up the idea of postponing the beesh wedding, while continuing the relationship long distance with the intention of getting married at a later date. Meowy was not having any of that, citing that she would “Go Serbia” so fast, that all that would be left would be a pile of duplicate clothing on the floor. ….and maybe a rogue ponytail.
Jibri was shocked by her attitude, and let her know that she needs to compromise if she wanted to make “Team Jibroni” work. 

Patrick & Thighs:

In an attempt to get Thighs to appreciate the new house, Patrick took her downtown to Dallas to look for home decor. Of course they went to a high end store that was chosen for the show, where the price tags are outrageous (just like at least one couple in every single season of the show throughout its existence. See “Yara and the fancy rug” and “Julianna and the $13,000 couch”, to name a few). Thighs lit up, as she happily pointed out colorful accents she liked throughout the store. Patrick wanted Thighs to slow her rolls, wishing she would be a stark minimalist like himself, who didn’t care to spend money on decor. Then, as if there is a simple formula to the episode, there had to be a “butt-insky” sales associate-tuned-marriage counselor who has to comment to the cameras about their opinion of the couple, and whether or not they are compatible based on the shopping experience (Thankfully no one was ever interviewed that time I almost got divorced at Ikea over the Pax closet system… I would have loved to have heard what those yellow polo clad sales associates thought of Mr. Shmerica and I’s future that day..). 
Patrick admitted that he feels a lot of pressure from all of the financial burdens he has recently faced since Thighs’s arrival, the upcoming wedding, and the new yucky million dollar house. He tried blaming his hatred on home decor on growing up poor, claiming to have bigger and better priorities than meaningless trinkets (though he drives a very expensive car, and bought a designer puppy when he could have just rescued any dog from a shelter….but that is none of my business *cue the Sarah McLaughlin music*. I’ll forgive this, since baby puppy Theodore is an angel). In conclusion, they should just hit up Home Goods on the way home and let her go wild. 
After coming home with one puny decorative vase that will really tie the room together, Patrick dropped the news that there would be no other house purchases until after the wedding. He then turned into a roid-raging jerk, not wanting to discuss finances and accusing Thighs of only caring about his money. He ended his rant by throwing his AMex card at her along with a few singles, causing her to storm off, offended. Though it may be true that Thighs expected to be well taken care of, since importing her was Patrick’s idea in the first place, she does seem to genuinely care about the tiny headed strong man (not so much his brother).
Once Thighs stormed off and he assumed he wasn’t getting between any thighs that evening, Patrick turned his attention to little baby Theodore, since he couldn’t talk back. Thighs emerged from the bedroom a few moments later, trying to explain that this shopping fight runs deeper, and is actually a control issue. They seemed to smooth things over this time, though it seems like this was one roid rage of many to come.

B-lull & Shy-duh:

After all of the painful chicken scrubbing from last week, B-lull took Shy-shy and her overwashed lady parts down to Georgia to visit his sister and do some wedding planning. Mr. OCD didn’t hesitate to put his luggage on the bed, as the couple debriefed on the shopping excursion.
Shy-shy went dress shopping with Sister Blull, who happens to be a fashion designer by trade. Even though Shy looked like a beautiful elegant yet modest cupcake in her wedding dress, she still couldn’t feel completely settled making a decision, as she discussed her hesitations about the relationship. She felt comfortable enough discussing some of her issues with Sister Bilal (who basically looked like Bilal in a headwrap), and hoped they could work things out in time for the wedding. 

After the shopping trip, Bilal planned a date where he took Shy-duh sightseeing in Atlanta, starting with the Skyview (a giant ferris wheel). Though Shy-duh was scared of heights, she focused her attention on her fiance, who took the romantic opportunity to bring up a prenup agreement he had received from his lawyer. Apparently this wasn’t the first time a “prenush” was mentioned (though possibly the first time it was mentioned on a romantic ferris wheel), and Shy-duh of course was less than thrilled. She had expressed she was not interested in signing, and felt it left a bad taste in her mouth (worse than overwashed chicken). 
After the romantic prenup ride, B-lull followed up that act with a horse drawn carriage (where he brought up his next date night activity- his and hers colonoscopies). Shyduh felt like she was being shafted by having to sign a prenup, as she was really probably hoping to eventually get rid of Mr. OCD and manage to keep the “Oasis of Sophistication” (I’m sure she would be willing to let him keep the bad house in the divorce). She expressed her interest in personally speaking with his lawyer to make sure she would be covered, in the event that he may kick her out of the horse drawn carriage and leave her on the side of the road, penniless. 

AriOldyeller & Binibiniyumyum:

Back at the expensive apartment, Ari and Bini were discussing the whole gym/sparring partner debacle. Biniyam felt very embarrassed, since Ari hulked out in front of his gym friends and confronted the female MMA fighter, who should have just drop kicked her (since there seemed to be no available wine to throw in her face at that moment). Ariela felt blindsided by the fact that he was hitting the mats with another woman, and not telling her. She feels Biniyam tries to avoid conflict by not communicating at all, leaving her angry whenever she eventually learns the truth.

Later on, Biniyam was laying on a hotel bed, mentally preparing for his first big fight in the U.S. (He’s already had plenty with Ariela, but those weren’t as lucrative). Ari decided to show support for her man by wearing a green sequined dress from 5-7-9, and a curly prom updo. She was nervous and worried about Biniyam being hurt in the fight, especially since her father, the good doctor, refused to watch. The Positive Gangster, on the other hand, was in attendance, ready to be supportive even if it included using her nursing skills to revive someone.
With his Ethiopian flag table runner slung over his soldiers, Bini entered the room, ready to pretend his opponent was his annoying fiance to help focus. The crowd was going wild as Bini walked up to the ring, but there was one fan in particular making the biggest scene; Meemaw herself, Angela! (wearing her signature red jumpsuit and ponytail. Ari was probably jealous and confronted her). Ari sat with the Positive Gangster, as the two sat with gritted teeth waiting for the fight to begin.

Bini entered the ring with his opponent, Krusty the Clown, and the crowd (including Meemaw) went wild. The fight was very “Westside Story” as Biniyam gracefully leaped and dance-kicked the competition until finally choking him out at the end for the big win. Ariela winced from the sidelines, but was thrilled to see her man had won the 33 second fight. Biniyam flipped and twirled for joy, even doing a little victory butt-bongoing, as he thanked everyone for their support. He couldn’t believe his American Dream had come true. Ariela was hoping now that the fight was 3.9 minutes in the past, he could return to fighting just with her. (They should have at least let Angela throw wine in Ari’s face……everyone else gets to do it….)

Kara & G money:

Kara went to meet up with her “Good friend Tim” who looked like the human embodiment of the mouse from the movie “Sing”. Tim, with his spy-kit mustache, ordered some shots so the two could openly discuss Kara’s current state of affairs. She explained Guillermo’s dream of a white wedding, while she would be open to going to a courthouse, and celebrating later after her balloon arch business really reaches peak potential. She also complained that Guillermo is a bit mild mannered and more conservative than she is, which could potentially be an issue. Tim with the mustache seemed skeptical that this relationship would work, citing Kara’s fickle ways and history of making big, snap decisions that are oftentimes life altering. Although Kara didn’t completely disagree, she felt like she should just go through with the wedding, as she’s always made bad decisions throughout her life, so who cares. While these two fashion faux pas were lunching, Guillermo was seen back at the house having an intimate conversation with the washing machine. I would actually rather see them as a couple…. Way less annoying than the balloon boss.