90 Day Fiancé; S9 EP 5

Emily & Kobe:

After his overwhelming arrival to the Family Emily’s house last week, Kobe is beginning to settle into his new home. He realized he’s not in Cameroon anymore, but in Kansas, when Auntie Em whipped out her breast pump for a quick living room milking. 
Kobe expressed his embarrassment watching his free flowing fiancé milk herself in front of her dad, while Emily explained that this is business as usual. The couple began to argue openly (similarly to the pumping) as the Parents Emily casually eavesdropped. Father Emily mozied on into the living room, standing there awkwardly before revealing his “breast is best” position. Emily (a chip off the ‘ole block, and literally her father’s twin) echoed the sentiment and defended her decision to breastfeed until at least college (while the camera panned to the multiple stray sippy cups left strewn about the table). Even the family’s wall art (which looked to be paintings of a disgruntled Diana Ross), seemed to be fed up with the subject matter. Kobe tried to explain that most of the women in his family have stopped breastfeeding their children around 7 months old, and he felt that 17 months was way too old to still have an open invitation to the All You Can Eat buffet. Emily was shocked to hear his reaction, claiming that the old Kobe she knew in his Chinese underwear would NEVER say anything like that (but she must not have a good mammary. I mean…memory). Kobe confessed to the cameras that part of his reasoning for requesting the menu change was since he himself wanted a chance at Emily’s flapjacks, and didn’t want to share. 

Feeling annoyed by his input, Emily ordered Kobe to go help her mother with dinner; Ordering, instead of nicely making the suggestion. And this was only day one… Though Emily’s parents were in the same room listening to the entire disagreement, Kobe felt comfortable enough to let Emily know he didn’t appreciate the way she was acting. He then got up to help Mother Emily-With-the-Good-Hair make her signature white bean chili, (completely ignoring the fact that they stated the house only had one bathroom for all 5 adults plus grandma).

Emily reappeared shortly with baby Coban19 who emerged from nap time and was “thirsty” to start more internet debates (Honestly the fact that everyone is busy fighting online about breastfeeding and forgot to judge Father Emily for changing a diaper right on the sofa is upsetting. Also the fact that Mother Emily bought “On The Border” brand chips… Please spread the judgment around equally). 
The family “cheersed” to Kobe’s arrival (with baby Koban19 even clinking Emily’s left breast to celebrate). Kobe explained that his own father was not present in his life until much later on, which is why he felt it was so important to be there for his own son. Mother Emily asked to hear the proposal story, with Emily ruining the romance by making sure to chime in and let everyone know that her ring was fake, as the engraving read “Made in China”. Grandma Emily was quick to let Kobe know that the entire family is under her granddaughter’s thumb, and she basically just bosses them around, so buckle up. The rest of the family laughed in agreement, while Sister Emily’s greasy piecey bangs just sat there…on her forehead…..forever..ruining her otherwise attractive face.
Father Emily seemed to be very concerned about Kobe being able to provide for his daughter and grandson (but clearly he didn’t get a glimpse of him in those tighty whities last week…He’ll be in a Jockey ad in no time).
It was finally time to end their busy first day, and drill sergeant Emily tried to give Kobe the rundown on the nightly bedtime routine. Though Kobe seemed to want to play and bond more with his giggling baby, Emily interrupted them to keep things on task. After changing Covid into pjs, she explained to the new Da-da how she usually stretches out her leopard pants as far as they eye can see to take over the entire surface area of the bed while the baby nurses back and forth frantically between boobs.
Poor Kobe wedged himself up against the baby guard rail, so happy to finally be with his family … that is, until Emily decided he was taking up too much room. She suggested that he go down the hall to his own room, alone (which ironically contained a crib, which is probably where she’ll suggest he sleeps the following night). Kobe was incredibly sad, as he had asked Emily prior to his arrival to make sure they had a big enough bed for the whole family. I’m just still trying to figure out how a house with this many bedrooms has only one bathroom….

Bilal & Shy-shy:

Shyduh was busy pretending to scrub the already spotless kitchen and frantically rearrange the fruit bowl as she waited for Bilal to come home with his children. Much like she did when meeting his other family members, she decided to greet his kids in her safe-space (the kitchen) as they all awkwardly hugged. There was a ton of dead air as Bilal’s kids stared through their new spiritual stepmother, clearly sensing her Jafar-like qualities. In an attempt to break the tension, Bilal’s son suggested they all go downstairs and play a game of pool. Ordinarily this would be a great icebreaker, however, Shy-duh claims she “doesn’t do games” and isn’t even down for being the scorekeeper. The family all headed downstairs to Bilal’s man cave where Shy dropped the news that she’d like her “bonus mom” name to be “‘Um” which means “mother” in their culture. The kids were thinking “‘Ummmm’ how about we return this one”, already skeptical of their new evil stepmother (most likely because she was holding her pool cue upside down), and decided to table that discussion. They then decided to ask Shy-duh about her plans on having children (which was prompted by production, I’m sure). Shy tried to let Bilal take the lead, since he seemed to be indecisive about having kids, due to their need for a storyline. More uncomfortable silence ensued, and I’m pretty sure the upside down pool stick had more personality than poor Shy.

After that little exercise in family fun, Shy-duh went back into her new all gray bedroom to call home for a little sisterly advice. She had been concerned that Bilal didn’t seem open to having kids right away, and was trying to decide if that was a dealbreaker, especially since she’s 37 years old. Hopefully if they do have children one day, they don’t want to play games. No Candyland, No Yahtzee, definitely not Connect Four….. But maybe Twister (since I’m sure you could convince her it’s just like yoga).

Ariela & Biniyumyum:

Baby Avi and his vagabond parents were so excited to finally touch down in New York. Mother Ariela (better known as the “Positive Gangster”) was at the airport wearing the dollar store’s finest American themed eyewear as she held up a sign to both welcome and embarrass her son-in-law-to-be. Father Ari even showed up for the occasion, making sure to press his slacks at least twice for the perfect crease to really wow the audience.
Ariela waddled off the plane wearing the Gordon fisherman’s poncho as she ran to hug her mother. The couple looked like they had just survived a zombie apocalypse upon arrival (Especially Bini, who admitted to taking care of the baby the entire 87 hours of travel while Ariela tried to rest….). The entire bunch loaded up into a van for the long drive in traffic back to Jersey. Ariela tried to hype up Bini, as he was passing in and out of consciousness. She attempted to make up some little song and dance, which fell flat, due to her sparkling personality. 
They finally arrived at their new apartment, which was rented, lightly furnished, and fully stocked by the Positive Gangster Enabling Services. Since she wanted the little family to be comfortable, Mother Ariela opted to rent them the larger two bedroom apartment (completely forgetting they were originally living in a shack with no toilet seat and she could have just gotten them a studio in Newark…). As the weary travelers were testing out their new luxurious bed, the Positive Gangster decided it was a great time to let them know she expects them to be taking over all financial responsibility in the next 2-3 months. Clearly this is going to be difficult, being that  Ariela is basically useless and Bini has yet to establish himself in the subway stations as a Butt-Bongoing Busker. Ariela (who’s frizzy remnant’s of her nanny’s braid were hanging on for dear life) could barely process the stress just yet, but seemed to be upset that her mother was already expecting her to act like a grown up. Father Ariela didn’t add much to the conversation, but rather stood there listening with his impressive pants (don’t worry, Father Ariela… I like a high waist too). 

Patrick & Thighs:

Patrick wanted to make sure Thighs would be happy moving all the way to the US, so he got her the perfect welcome gift; A puppy in a gym bag (and Coltee couldn’t even remember flowers…). We finally got to meet Thighs, a 25 year old Brazilian model who seems excited to be moving to be with her strong man (she’ll never have trouble opening a jar of tomato sauce ever again). 
She made sure to spend as much time as possible with her close-knit family in Brazil before her travels. First she sat down with her Grandmother and little sister, who both admitted they were sad to see her go. The hard sell was going to be for Father Thighs, who is extremely overprotective. He showed up to the Casa Madrigal to discuss what he thought was just a “visit” but realized that his daughter may be leaving for good. Father Thighs sobbed with worry, thinking about his daughter being so far away without anyone but Hans and/or Franz to protect her. 

Back in Austin, Texas, Patrick was all cleaned up as he gathered a bouquet larger than his peanut head and sped off to the airport. Though it took them a few minutes to spot each other at the baggage claim, they immediately reunited with a big hug and kiss. Patrick was ready to get back to the house to have a little workout session since it was “thighs day”, but she felt a little uncomfortable knowing that brother John was going to be within earshot of their bedroom (Brother John is clearly the “Bruno” character from Encanto. And if you don’t understand the reference, consider yourself lucky to not have had to watch that move 20xs on repeat). I’m just excited for her to get back to the house and see her new puppy. Hopefully Patrick bought extra wee wee pads… (so the puppy will have enough to share with brother John when he needs to make a wicked pissah). 

Kara & Guillermo:

Kara was driving her son to soccer practice…Oooor she was just driving Guillermo to meet her family for the first time. She kept warning him of the legend of “Uncle Mike”, the overprotective private investigator. Kara only intensified Guillermo’s worry by reiterating all of the bodily harm her Uncle Mike was capable of. Kara’s family greeted Guillermo warmly, as they all sat down outside for a little BBQ. The family joked around about spying on Guillermo online, which made him incredibly uncomfortable, though he tried hard to laugh it all off. Kara only added to his worries, by making strange passive aggressive comments. Little ‘Mo seemed to have made a good first impression, though the Family Kara did admit that things “remain to be seen”. Looks like things get a little tense next week (which will hopefully make this more interesting, as right now I’m finding them about 5% interesting, and only because of Guillermo’s exaggerated facial expressions. Also because here at 90 Day we only speak in percentages).

Summer’s Yve & Moohammit 2.0:

The reunited odd couple woke up together- but not for long. Apparently Yve had to leave her newly adopted son to his own devices so she could go off to work. Moohamit explained that he missed his usual wake-up call, which he said included a man with a microphone yelling “Tomatoes! Tomatoes!” (which… is personally leaving me with so maaach questions. Who is this amplified tomato man? Is he the town crazy person? A traveling tomato salesman of sorts? A father who lost his son named “Tomatoes” and has been looking for him for the last 20 years? What is going on?!)
Yve took Moo on a tour of her kitchen, getting him better acquainted with her pots and pans so he would be able to make himself breakfast. This was shocking to Moo-ham who expected his live-in fiance to be waiting on him hand and foot, just like his dear old mom (who probably even helped him splish splash with the bidet, let’s be honest). Moo mumbled to himself in his creepy voice, as he attempted to make himself eggs/ burn the house down. 

Next on his “Home Alone” agenda, Mooham attempted to set up his boohole hose, which is an absolute necessity in his everyday life. Just as he was struggling to not spray himself in the face, Yve arrived home with her son Tharan, who was over the moon to meet his new Step-sprinkler for the first time. Moohamit strutted out of the bathroom to meet him (revealing his USB port at the base of his neck where Yve has yet to find the time to insert a “personality chip”) . Tharan’s excitement was adorable, as he showered Moohamit with compliments of how “cool” and “cute” he was. Yve was so happy about their touching first meeting, especially since Moham was now the new live-in au pair (What could go wrong??)
Yve made her 2 sons some hamburgers and french fries for an all-American first family dinner. Thankfully Tharan was there to keep the conversation flowing, instead of the couple sitting around in awkward silence. Yve expressed that she would appreciate Mo’s help watching Tharan in the afternoons, since finding consistent childcare had been an issue.Though Mohammit agreed, he did admit in his interview that he was looking to be more than just the nanny (with an extra sparkly sphincter). I have a feeling Tharan will be the one watching Moohamit, as he seems more mature.