90 Day Fiancé; S9 EP 4

Ariela & Biniyumyum:

It was the last day in Ethiopia and Biniyam and Ariela were exhausted from watching their nanny pack for their trip. Ariela requested that her special helper braid her hair as she sat smuggly to discuss saying goodbye to Biniyam’s wine-flinging family. Biniyam was hoping Ari would tag along to say goodbye over lunch, but she was apprehensive to get a Fanta in the face (though it may be an improvement over her horrible smokey eyeshadow application). 

Biniyam went alone to meet with his family and enjoy a final meal. They all seemed somehow surprised that Ari didn’t want to tag along for the outing, but agreed they didn’t want to see her either. Sister Wish dot com felt Ari should apologize for making her so angry that she had to waste her wine, while Bini tried to play both sides. The family seemed sad to see him go, praying he wouldn’t wind up alone and heartbroken, and that he would finally be able to find and reconnect with his first son once in the US. Biniyam encouraged his family to come to the airport to see them off (and have another chance to stir up some drama so anyone may be interested in watching their segment).

Once at the airport, Bini unpacked the luggage while Ari waited in the van with baby Avi to avoid any confrontation. Bini hugged his family, before attempting to bring baby Avi out to say goodbye, but Ariela claimed it was too cold outside…he was sleeping…and he’s allergic to wine. Ari had an emotional goodbye with her handmaid, making sure to wear her frizzy braids for the plane ride home to remember her by. I’m hoping they’ve got something up their sleeves to become of any interest… it’s going to be a long few weeks with these two. I’m going to have to get creative.

Emily & Kobe:

Meanwhile, back at the Salina Hilton Garden Inn…

Kobe was strutting his stuff around the hotel room in his tighty whiteys, reliving his glory days as a professional underwear model (although he currently looks like that thing could use some underwire support). He rejoined a naked Emily in the hotel bed to discuss their steamy date night reunion (accompanied by a scandalous montage, courtesy of Sharp Entertainment, who couldn’t just leave things up to imagination). The couple once again solidified their love and chemistry (once in the shower and twice in the morning), and were now ready to contract a little Coban19.
Kobe was teeming with excitement during the entire drive to the house, singing with anticipation. Of course he was feeling overwhelmed, being that he was also meeting Emily’s entire family at the same time (and…the one bathroom thing. Hope they have good flush-age). As they pulled up and saw the official “Welcome Kobe” sign hanging above the carport, he buried his hands in his face, tearing up with emotion.

They entered the house to see Koban19 sitting with Emily’s parents, and he seemed to instantly recognize his proud “Dada”. Kobe’s entire face lit up, almost in disbelief, as he saw his son for the very first time (a mist began forming in my eyes that I didn’t quite recognize. Glad to know I’m not entirely dead inside). The entire family stood awkwardly smiling in the living room, as Emily worked hard using her best baby talk to ease the weirdness, while baby Koban went straight for her built-in drink dispensers. Kobe cried, burying his hands in his face, as he was so overwhelmed. There wasn’t a dry eye (or dry sweater) in Salina. The entire family sat somewhat awkwardly watching baby Koban nurse as Kobe thanked Emily’s family for everything. Her parents made it clear that they were ready to clock out of baby duty, and tag in the new player. Kobe stared lovingly at his son, reaching to touch his little baby feet, but was stopped by Emily, who instantly corrected him. Seems like these two will have a few growing pains as they learn how to live with the “new normal” that is being parents to Kobin19

Patrick & Thais:

Patrick is a 31 year old former Masshole that now calls Austin, Texas his home (and probably sings “The Stahs at night, ahe big and bright *clap clap clap clap* Deep in the haaaaaht of Texas!). He explained from his tiny head that he was formerly a professional bodybuilder, in his prime and competing nationally in the sport, when he was found to be using performance enhancing drugs (Not Gino’s blue pills, some other kind). After getting banned from the US team, he found some kind of loophole and tried to compete for Brazil, but tested positive for using Vibranium, and was disqualified yet again. He had met his former bodybuilder girlfriend-turned-wife at the height of his strong man days, but she decided to hit the bricks after his career was over. Since he was all alone in a big house, his brother John decided to leave the Wahlbergs back in Bahston and move in full time for support. 
But things for the brothers’ bachelor lifestyle are about to get wicked-annoying, since Patrick’s 25 year old Brazilian model fiance, Thais, is coming to town. Patrick explained he had met Thais while on a trip to Brazil to reconnect with his father (who is Brazilian). Of course while there he happened to come across her profile on a *say it all together now* INTERNATIONAL DATING SITE. The two instantly clicked and ended up spending a lot of time together over the next 11 months before he finally proposed. 
Patrick does get a gold star for learning Portuguese to communicate with his ladyfriend (*cough* Kenny *cough*). The only issue that seems to be presenting a problem in their relationship thus far is Patrick’s brother John, who brings his loud and obnoxious friends over to the house to talk about the Red Sox. Aside from “picking things up and putting things down”, Patrick is also a door to door home alarm system salesman, working closely with none other than his brother John. The two drove over to the local watering hole to grab a drink and enjoy their last few days before Thais’s big arrival. Patrick likes to leave his phone’s location on in order to curb his fiance’s jealousy, though he thinks things will be less intense once she’s local. Brother John consulted a few bar patrons randomly to ask if Pat’s methods were over the top and a red flag, and they all seemed to concur. 

I’m not sure what’s more intimidating; Patrick’s thighs, or Patrick’s fiancé Thighs when she comes to town and starts laying down the law.

JibJab & MeowMix

The couple woke up together on their first morning in America, debating on what to eat for their first American breakfast experience. Miona didn’t want to unpack her extensive wardrobe of lycra spandex just yet, as she was convinced she’d be fleeing South Dakota sooner rather than later. Jibri tried to remind his bride-to-be that the purpose of being temporary Southernmost Dakotans was to save money for their dream wedding and eventual big move to L.A.  He tried to help her to keep her eyes on the prize, and focus on launching her makeup line (“Maybe she’s born with it, Maybe she’s Bronzed This Way” by Meowmix) and so his music career could take off. 

The two complimented each other on their sexiness as they headed out to the local grocery store, since they were on family dinner duty for the evening. Me-yona was particularly taken by the string cheese, having never encountered such a brilliant and fun snack back in her homeland. They decided to make a frozen chicken alfredo for dinner (against Meona’s better judgment- she wanted to make frozen corndogs. Klass with a K.)

After a long day at the grocery store, the two clueless millennials came home to prepare dinner. Jibri schooled his love on the proper way to eat string cheese, as she belittled one of our national treasures. As they prepared dinner, Jibri brought up the topic of his friend Dah-veed who isn’t exactly “team Miyoko Ono”. He was hoping they could work on finishing up their band’s new album, as a way to get back into the swing of things and become big stars. Jibri rehashed the reasons why Daveed felt Meona was a bit “bougie” and out of touch, though Miona feels that he is jealous of her relationship with his BFF.  As she stirred the frozen alfredo on the stovetop, Meownuh tried to remind Jibri that he needs to have her back, now that they are family. This seems to have Jibri in a tough spot, as he explained that Daveed is his best friend and that they are both technically as important in his life. 

It was finally time to set the table for a little forced family fun. Parents Jibri arrived to find a delicious spread of frozen alfredo and pink lemonade awaiting them. Mother Jibri took the first bite, managing to choke it down while making subtle fake yummy noises and coining the dish as “edible” ( Ithink she was secretly hoping they were going to make corn dogs…)

It didn’t take too long for Mother Jibri to admit that the chicken was “nasty” out loud, with stepfather Jibri joining in to roast the couple’s culinary skills. Jibri took offense to their comments and attempts to put 900 different condiments atop their dinners to try and mask the taste. The tension was mounting, as the young couple seemed to realize they were going to have to be overnight sensations a lot faster than they had planned.

Kara & Pillow Lips:

As Kara drove from the airport to her home, Guillermo was wowed by all he was seeing from the car window. He had only seen things like hay bails and dairy cows from his favorite tv show- Duck Dynasty (or “dinastia de pato”, Kenny. I really hope he uses Duck Dynasty as a fashion icon for his new life in the USA).
They woke up the next morning after enjoying a romantic evening in the air condition, and Guierllmo was loving the hot showers and comforts of his new life. As he was unpacking, he mentioned to Kara that he’d like to get a computer. She was concerned about their finances, asking him to forgo the computer, and instead settle for a new toothbrush (Not sure if they get Wifi now… but everything else does, so why not.). Guillermo tried to remind his fiance-mom that he had saved some of his own allowance, and he would like to spend it as he saw fit. He didn’t appreciate her controlling ways, and seems to be starting to get as annoyed with her as the rest of us.  (And if she doesn’t want to cough up the money for the toothbrush, he could use the extra one I found on the ground on an island off the coast of Panama…. Supposed to be top of the line.)

Bilal & Shy-duh:

Back in the nicer house, Bilateral and Shyduh were discussing his idea of a “prank” and her lack of a sense of humor. Bilal, who was still wearing his “Be Grateful” t-shirt, tried to explain where he was coming from, and how he intends to make it his business to make her happy from this point forward. 

His mother, brother and sister all came over to meet their new potential-in-law. Everyone seemed to be getting along well, as they laughed and greeted each other warmly (also, Shy-duh’s outfit was 50 shades of beige. Blal probably picked it out to match the house because of his OCD). The Family B-lull questioned Shyshy’s thoughts and feelings on spending the night at their own homestead, which was a bit of a slippery slope. Shy tried to skirt around the topic, as not to offend Mother Bilal’s former residence, while still making it known she didn’t “love it” and would rather “list it”.  Mother Bilal brought up the topic of having children, with Shyduh explaining that she’d like to get on that asap, especially now that she knows she won’t be living in a shanty. Bilal, on the other hand, seems to be content with the two children he has, and is in no rush to make more any time too soon. Bilal needs to realize that Shy’s biological clock for buying beige colored onesies is tickin’! (He could just prank her by bringing home a baby doll….or telling her he had a vasectomy. I’ll think of a few more great ideas for him that will go over really well)