90 Day Fiance; S9 Ep 3

Bilal & Shaeeda:

Bilal & Shaeeda woke up in the rundown prank house, trying to recover from their rough first night together. Bilal was wearing his “Be Grateful” t-shirt, hoping it would send the right subliminal message to change his spiritual wife’s mindset, and she’d suddenly love living in the Clampett house. Shaeeda seemed to have simmered down from the night before, pitching in by making the bed and even brewing some coffee in the kitchen (which had seaweed growing out of where a faucet should have been). After the couple had a brief talk, Shaeeda apologized for her craptastic attitude, before Bilal took off in the murder van to “do some work” (which is code for murder. Does he have a bunker or a storage unit? Can someone please check??).
Shaeeda took the opportunity during this alone time to video call her mom back in Trinidad and/or Tobago so she could show her around the new homestead. Mother Shy-shy laughed, and was unimpressed with her daughter’s crumbling quarters, but encouraged her to make the best of the situation, and remember that material possessions aren’t everything and faucets are overrated.

After he was done disposing of the bodies, Bilal returned back to the modest abode to collect his fiance for lunch with his mom. They loaded back into the Mystery Machine and headed off towards a more upscale suburban neighborhood. Shaeeda’s whole attitude seemed to improve as they pulled into the driveway of Bilal’s actual home. He revealed that this was in fact going to be their new house, as Shy deemed it “an oasis of sophistication”. She loved all of the throw rugs, decorative pillows, and personalized impersonal Home Goods chachkas. Bilal explained his “test”, and his emphasis on being grateful and humble. Shaeeda was annoyed with the sneaky prank, feeling like she wasn’t sure if she could trust Bilal- that is, until she saw the yoga room. Once she saw the thoughtful personalized yoga studio he had set up for her, she went from “I’m not living here” to “Nah-mastay in this super nice house”. Hopefully next week we’ll get to see the meeting of Shaeeda and Mother Bilal. If Bilal was really a prankster, he would reveal to Shaeeda that the first house was actually his mother’s current house, and that he took a video of all of the smack talk she said and showed his mother before they met for lunch. Can I get a job as an evil prank consultant?! Bilal, call me.

Yve & Moohamitt Part 2:

It was finally the day that Yve got to pick up Moohamit from the airport (hopefully she packed some snacks and juice boxes in her diaper bag, just in case he’s cranky). She waited patiently for Moo-ham to emerge, and was ecstatic when he finally came into view. Yve found a way to Mohhamify her green dress with the plunging neckline by adding a sensible black bandeau to act as her real life “censor bar”. Somehow, Mohummdidy’s hair stood up for the entire duration of the journey from Egypt, and he seemed a bit shell shocked to finally be in New Mexico. He spoke in a slow creepy, wispy voice, commenting on things he saw from the car window.
They arrived at Yve’s house, and Moohamit seemed to be in awe. He droned on in his nails-on-a-chalkboard voice thanking Yve for her accommodations, including the crowned “king” ring she bought him for the wedding. He explained to the cameras that his dream girl consisted of a woman that would take care of him like his mother does (which is a whole other TLC show). Though he was appreciative of Yve’s gifts, he seemed upset by her lack of priority in getting him a bidet, since his “whole anal needs to be clean” for his 5 daily prayer services. Because God checks. (Could be worse, Moohamit….Bilal didn’t even have a faucet. He and Shaeeda are really going to be on the naughty list). Yve better call Dinyell to get some advice on dealing with a Muhammit….. She should start collecting an evuhdense binder- stat.

Jibberish & Meowmix:

It was time to head home from the airport, but first- gifts. Jibri placed his pint sized princess on the back of the pickup truck and showered her with western wear. She seemed to be down with the pink cowboy boots and hat, but unfortunately that was not enough to make her want to stay in South Dakota. As the couple headed back towards the house, they passive aggressively argued about their timeline for getting out of dodge, with Jibri wanting to stay longer to save up, and Meowna ready to move on to bigger and better. 
They finally arrived at the Family Jibri’s house, where his parents greeted Meowna warmly with big hugs, surprised over how much they initially liked her (Mother Jibiri was probably just excited she wasn’t half naked). They all sat down for a family dinner of lasagna, where Mother Jibri wasted no time laying on the questions. Miona made it known that she already didn’t envision herself as a full time South Dakotan, and was ready for La-La land as soon as humanly possible. Mama JibJab wanted to know more about her ambitions, as well as goals and expectations, her zodiac signs, first memory as a child, and atomic weight on other planets. Miona, who had just gotten in from a very long flight, looked tired, and seemed to slightly answer the questions while also looking politely annoyed. Jibri realized this living situation was going to be worse than he thought, and the two would probably have to move out to avoid conflict. Speaking of conflict… Looks like Jibjab’s friend Daveed isn’t too thrilled with Meow-mix’s arrival, and things are about to go down.
If they don’t visit Mt. Rushmore once this season, I’m going to be Mother Debbie Done. 

Ariela & Biniyumyum:

Well…. They’re back.  Ariela and Bini rehashed two seasons worth of their ridiculous relationship, starting with their random hook up, the arrival of Baby Avi, some butt bongos, and their troubled time living in Ethiopia. After Ariela’s brief stint moving home to the US, the couple decided to start over fresh in Kenya, and eventually Biniyam interviewed for the K1-Visa. They then went back to Ethiopia, to spend their last few days with friends and family before the big move. For some reason, Biniyam wanted to wait until the last minute to let his friends and family know he was “Coming to America”. He spilled the beans first to his friends, who seemed shocked, knowing full well how tumultuous he and Ari’s relationship is. They advised against moving, expressing that Ari is controlling and manipulative, and he would wind up being and all alone. Biniyam didn’t seem to disagree with them, but felt the major reason for wanting to move was to be near baby Avi, so he could be a father. Ariela was an afterthought, but he did seem to feel their relationship was getting a bit better.
Though the conversation with his friends was tough, it was nothing in comparison to selling the idea to his sisters, Mimi and Wish dot com. Biniyam felt the best time to do that would be after his big video release party of his hit single “Dancey cool” (he decided to wear a tight fitting outfit that made him look like a washed up Chippendales dancer that was Hulking out of his uniform). All of his friends and family were there to support him, as he beamed with pride. It was a bit awkward for Ari to see Biniyam’s sisters, as it had been a long time since they had last spoken and she had left on bad terms. Then it was finally the moment we had been teased with for so many weeks….
The couple sat down with the Sisters Bini so he could tell them about their plans to move to the US. Immediately his sisters brought up the flaws in the plans, including the fact that their relationship sucks and Ariela seems to be manipulative and two faced (actually, 3 or 4 faced….what the hell does she keep doing to her face? She’s a few faces away from becoming a Silva twin). Biniyam listened to his sisters, staying silent and not bothering to defend his baby mama. Ariela interjected, only understanding about 10% of the conversation but knowing full well it wasn’t anything positive. After exchanging some choice words, Wish threw a glass of wine in her face, causing Ariela to become a modern day high class “Carrie” of sorts. Of course she seemed “shocked” by Sister Biniyam’s ations (which were most likely done at the direction of production. It kind of looked like something out of Double Dare. But, enjoyable nonetheless). Can’t wait to see what the Positive Gangster has to say about that one!

Emily & Kobe:

The reunited couple were lovey dovey as they headed away from the airport and towards Emily’s hometown. As they were driving, Emily decided to pose the idea of skipping the big baby Coban19 meeting one more day, so they could have alone time and an adult slumber party. Though Kobe was disappointed by having to wait even longer to meet his own child, he did understand Emily’s point of rekindling their flame after two years (and was slightly swayed by seeing the pink lingerie she bought… which he sort of alluded to the idea that HE would be the one wearing the fancy underwear…ya know, like he used to do when he worked in the underwear biz).
Emily took Kobe to her favorite Salina hot spot for a date night. Though they were happy to be together and getting along well, Kobe was feeling a bit out of place, realizing he was the only African Chinese underwear model in town (A Chinese underwear model is different, because they entice you to buy underwear, and then 20 minutes later you’re in the mood to buy another pair). Emily couldn’t help but ruin the reunion by talking about real life frustrations and worries, such as finances, wedding plans, and parenting. Kobe encouraged her to take a chill pill, since they had the rest of their lives to be like normal couples with every day stress, and they should just enjoy their night together. I am definitely looking forward to watching Ko-B meet Co-VID for the first time next week (and if Emily postpones it any further, I’m getting Sister Biniyam to throw wine in her face).