90 Day Fiancé; S9 EP 2

Kara & Guillermo:

The couple were finally reunited last week and were happily making out in the cab on their drive home from the airport. Guillermo surprised Kara by throwing her a going away party (which really should have been the other way around) with their friends and family. Kara showed off her impressive Spanish speaking skills, talking a mile a minute complete with wild hand gestures (Take notes, Kenny. I’m outsourcing you to Kara). Guillermo seems excited to make the move to the US even though he’s sad about leaving his brothers and friends. Brother Guillermo, (Christopher, with the same pillowy lips any grandmother would love) attended the party, admitting he was initially concerned about his baby bro being with an older woman until he realized she was 29, and that is in no way old. It was during this time that we learned a new phrase; “Sanky Panky”, which means a younger, usually Latin guy that dates an older white lady for a Green Card (See Molly’s ex “Luis” and Stephanie’s favorite family; Cousin Ryan and Cousin Harris). Though Guillermo took the teasing from his friends and brother in stride, he seemed a bit annoyed when Kara mocked him and called him a toddler (but probably because she was completely over acting with a really obnoxious fake laugh. You’re doing too much, Kara). 
The next day, Guillermo packed his one backpack of belongings and set off towards the airport. Kara tried to really showcase her command of Espanol during the cab ride with friends, which only impressed me for approximately 1 minute before it became completely irritating. Guillermo and his brother had an emotional goodbye hug that was quickly ruined by Kara, who came over to join the hug and make it about her.
It seemed like the flight went well, but Kara was very nervous about getting through immigration once they landed, since Gee-man’s passport had expired. Upon landing, he was detained as Kara paced around, biting her nails and worrying she was going to have to use her best Karen skills to speak to the manager of immigration. After 2 hours of worrying, Guillermo emerged and stepped foot into America, where he will be free (to listen to Kara boss him around, presumably). I’m sure if he really wants to get his way with his new boss, he can just pout the pillow lips. 

Emily & Kobe:

Emily was super excited to be picking up her fiance/baby daddy Kobe from the airport. She sat with her sister (and her icky bangs), who helped her decide which lingerie she should bring for her big reunion with Kobe beefsteak. Although most of the lingerie looked at least 3 sizes too small, she was looking forward to some alone time with her man before they headed back to the homestead with her family and baby. After making her final selections, she packed up her bag, and said goodbye to the family and Coban19 before heading out for the night for dinner with her bestie Sean.     
Over pizza and wine, Emily explained her excitement mixed with nervousness for her first intimate reunion with Kobe, worrying about the fact that she’s still breastfeeding and hoping she didn’t “make it rain” during sexy time. It had been almost 2 years since the couple had seen each other, and her mind was racing with “what if” scenarios, feeling extremely pressured to make things work for the sake of baby Covid. 
It was finally the morning of Kobe’s arrival and Emily was a bundle of nerves, as she milked herself and tried to pick out an outfit. She worried about the chemistry they would have, as well as the pressures of being the future wife of a former underwear model. 
She paced around nervously in front of the gate, with her thigh high boots at two different latitudes (surely driving Bilal’s OCD crazy). As soon as Kobe emerged, Emily flung herself into his arms and the two had a tearful, happy reunion. Kobe acknowledged Emily’s “expansion”, but claimed to “love her anyway”, and was looking forward to finally meeting his son. Previews for next week showed a little tension, as Emily dropped the bomb that Kobe had to wait one more day before contracting Coban19. I’m just excited to see how awkward it will be with her family, especially when she pulls a Kalani and gets pregnant again.

Bilal & Shaeeda:

Bilal put the finishing touches on his dilapidated decoy house and hopped in the ole’ murder van to head to the airport to retrieve his future wife. Shy-duh appeared at the gate, heading straight into Bilal’s arms, shy- as her name suggests, but seemingly excited to start their new life together. They headed out of the airport to the parking lot for prank #1. Though she assumed that this man she had met on the internet and only spent one week with was a high roller, she was shocked when he bypassed the sedan in the parking lot and ushered into the chester molester van (and at this point, she could have been human trafficked. Didn’t anyone ever tell her not to run off to another country to live with a guy who doesn’t show you any details of his life and get into a white panel van?! This is like “Taken” 101, people….). She was visibly disgusted by his white chariot, and was already giving Bilal “the business” about putting her luggage into the back (which for some reason she believed contained garbage and rats). She did, however, have a lot of quick quipps, making it known to her betrothed that she did not approve of his “Scooby Doo” van (the OCD bus will never be the Mystery Machine. Stop trying to make fetch happen). Bilal questioned whether Shaeeda was his “ride or die”, while she was probably questioning if she was going to die while on this ride, and rightfully so.
The two endured a painfully awkward car ride in virtual silence until they finally arrived at the lackluster house. A look of disgust immediately spread across her face, as she could not even pretend to be impressed. She took the dreaded house tour, pointing out all of the home’s flaws, and complaining left and right as Bilal the prankster giggled to himself (the peeling paint and cracked ceiling were one thing, but I found the padlock on the closet/bedroom doors to be the most disturbing. Especially in conjunction with the white van. Next stop; ID Discovery). Sadly, Shaeeda didn’t seem to pass Bilal’s “test”, becoming visibly upset and refusing to live like she’s in the “1900’s” (which I guess means no corsets and/or cholera).
Bilal tried to distract from the crummy house by changing the subject to dinner. Although he probably contemplated making her split a Happy Meal, he offered to order takeout. Not-so-Shy-duh questioned if he could even afford dinner (and maybe it’s just me, but she has a certain Jafar-like quality when she’s being mean). So far, she felt duped by Bilal’s misrepresentation of himself and his surroundings, and questioned if she made the right decision. Seems like Bilal’s prank isn’t going too well….though he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids!

Jibri & Miona:

Jibjab put on his best red raincoat to take his dad’s truck to the old car wash in preparation for Princess Miona’s arrival (good thing he wore a water repellent jacket since he left the window open during the car wash…. Happy accident or planned by production? Whatever, it was entertaining). He called his friend Dah-veed to discuss business and getting the band back together. He was surprised, however, when Dah-veed expressed some negativity about the dear sweet Miona, claiming he had a bad feeling about her. Jibberish was pretty hurt hearing that his best friend questioned his relationship, and felt like he was marrying Yoko Mion-O. 
After the car and Jibri’s joint bath, he went home to get dressed in his finest powder pink suit and accompanying cowboy hat to look his absolute best for Meowna’s arrival. While he was busy gathering the props and gifts he planned on bringing, he bent down too fast, only to hear a loud rip, creating a hole in a very sensitive area of his pink pants (that production chose to zoom in on, up close and personal). Though Jiblet tried and failed to stretch his shirt to cover the mishap, he decided to just go with it, since he had already committed to a pink color scheme for the day.
Jibri rolled up to the South Dakota airport, making sure to display a red carpet for her majesty’s arrival. Miona came down the escalator and ran to greet her pink panther (hopefully he didn’t make any sudden movement, causing him to get arrested at the airport for indecent exposure). It took the flight crew a little extra time to clean the plane that day, as there was a Miona-shaped outline of self tanner left behind in her seat. Her braid-weave, however, seemed securely fashioned as she strutted up and down the red carpet for her faux “Welcome to America” photo shoot. The couple seemed happy to be reunited, but it should be interesting to see the family Jibjab’s reactions to Madam Meowmix. And her immaculate conception of tan. 

Yve & Moohamitt Part 2:

Yve is a 48 year old acupuncturist and healer hailing from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Her Apache heritage led her to dedicating her life to “healing”, by any means necessary (including but not limited to cupping, playing the triangle, and potentially lighting her clients on fire). Yve is also a single mom to her young son, Tharan, who happens to have special needs. Since her life is hectic, Yve got into doing yoga and meditation, as a way to regroup after her break up from Tharan’s dad. It was during this “Eat Pray Love” phase of her life that a buff 25 year old man from Egypt slid into her DM’s. Moohamit, an aspiring “Spanky Panky”, could possibly work as Tim from “Before the 90 Days”/Pillow Talk’s stunt double. After 2 months of online chatting, Yve set off to Egypt to meet her 6-packed penpal. It took only one week for Moohamit to propose with a ruby ring, and was delighted when Yve said yes (but probably more excited that the couple filed for their K1-Visa).
Back home in the ABQ, Yve was cleaning out her closet to make room for Moohamit’s workout clothes, as well as rid her wardrobe of anything too scandalous. She invited her friend over to help with the closet cleanout, but ended up listening to her express concerns over this life altering decision. Yve explained that she had received a lot of questioning from her friends and family over marrying such a young foreign guy, but was optimistic (clearly she’s never seen Danielle and MOohammit number one. She’d better get the evidence binder now- this won’t end well). 
Yve met up with her “girl squad” of fellow Yogis to discuss their thoughts and feelings on her imported boy toy. The friends Yve fished for more details about the relationship, especially when it came to sexy time details, since Moohamit came from a strict Muslim background. Yve answered in the most vague of ways, while she sipped wine in her “Juicy Couture ” nameplate necklace (trying to appeal to the 20 year olds…. From 2002). Yve’s friend with the statement necklace found it “romantic” that her pal decided to change her wardrobe and lifestyle for a young foregin stranger, while her other friends tried to convince her that she was perfect as is (I’m not sure why she’s bothering with this guy, since Tim lives right here in the US, looks just like him, is more age appropriate and has some money). Obviously this decision to bring over a young strapping man half her age to live in her home with her special needs child is going to go over as well as anyone could imagine. We are all going to need spiritual smoke cleansing, autotune cupping and transcendental tong clanking after this one. (Autotune cupping was a relaxation technique developed by Sojaboy).