90 Day Fiancé; Season 9 Episode 1

Welcome to the newest season of 90 Day Fiance. It’s only been one episode, but I’m already intrigued. This season from the outset looks slightly promising, if for no other reason than we have fresh meat and a lot of unpronounceable names. If all else fails, there’s a preview of Ariela (from “The Other Way”) getting wine thrown in her face that looks delightful. I have hopes for this new crew… let’s see what they’ve got….

Bilal & Shaeeda:

Kicking off this new season of 90 Day ridiculousness is Bilal, a 42 year old single dad from Kansas City, Missouri (not actual Kansas. Missouri likes to trick everyone with that). Bilal is a successful realtor/ real estate investor who always makes sure he locks the door and shuts off the light when leaving…..because of his major OCD. He was single for the 7 years following his   divorce from his ex wife Shahidah, who he’s managed to maintain a good friendship with (very Michael/Sara from the previous season of 90 Day, but that didn’t age well…).. While on social media, Bilal caught the attention of 37 year old Shaeeda, a yoga instructor from Trinidad and/or Tobago.The two happened to have a lot in common, especially with their shared Muslim faith and love of hustling (and possibly flowing).  After spending only one week together on vacation, they decided to get “spiritually” married, and are now looking forward to moving in together on the infamous K1 Visa. Bialy’s ex wife Shahidah is skeptical of his new found flame, hoping she is not after his money and assets (and probably secretly annoyed that he found someone who’s name is a few letters off from her own).
Bilal took his young children, Zayna and Yussif out on his boat to discuss Shaeeda’s upcoming move to the U.S. His kids seemed excited to meet her in person, but nervous about what to expect. After the boating trip, Bilal went home to Facetime his long distance love, which he exclusively does against a blank white wall so as not to show off his yuppie home décor. Shaeeda expressed her excitement and shock that she’ll soon be moving to the plain white palace. She also brought up her desire to have children asap, being that she’s 37 (which the doctors like to call “advanced maternal age” because why not give someone extra anxiety). Sister Bilal came over to help prepare the house for Shaeeda’s big arrival, even though the fancy house would not be her landing pad. Bilal, being the OCD “Dennis the Menace” that he is, decided to test out his bride-to-be’s true intentions by picking her up from the airport in a beat up white kidnapper van, and taking her to his childhood “humble beginnings” home. Personally, I think this is hilarious and will make for entertaining television, if nothing else. Do you know who probably won’t find this funny? That S-H-named girl from Trinidad and/or Tobago. But at least the white wall palace will be nice, if they ever make it there. Perfect HGTV pillow chops for the win. 

First impressions, as a naive Shmerica going in blind: I like Bilal and his sense of humor (at least we haven’t seen anyone pull this kind of stunt yet). His kids seem funny, and he seems like a good dad. However, these names are going to give me a run for my money. I will resist the urge to call him Bialy, and then try and resist the urge to be in the mood for a bialy. With cream cheese. Applied evenly on both sides, 26 times each, because OCD.

Kara & Guillermo:

Kara is a 29 year old balloon artist hailing from the commonwealth of Virginia. She has spent a good portion of her young adult life traveling and trying out different career opportunities (such as waitressing, singing, voiceovers, modeling, dancing and ultimately now reality tv). She was working in the Dominican Repooblick with the family Pedro when she stumbled upon a pillowy-lipped beachside waiter who caught her attention. Although the booze-fetcher was only 21 years old at the time, the vastly older and more mature Kara made an exception, and moved to the DR so they could be together. Guillermo, the now 23 year old beach fling, is originally from Caracas, Venezuela, until a few years ago when he moved to escape the communist takeover. He seems to be pretty serious about moving to Virginia with Kara and their dog, “Chiqui-mama”. Kara is all nervous as moving day is approaching, since Guillermo’s Venezulan passport has expired, and he’s about to make the international flight. She decided to fly out to DR (maybe to stop by Pedro’s mom’s place for some chicken feet) so she could personally escort her young lover back through the airport, in case there should be any issues (ya know, because at 29 she is so much older and wiser than her 23 year old counterpart). 

Shmerica’s naive first impressions; Unlike his grandmother, I don’t find Guillermo’s mouth that attractive. These two sort of remind me of Amber and David (from that 90 Day Paradise spin off on Discovery Plus that I don’t recommend watching). They seem to genuinely like each other and I feel like they could actually make it. I could potentially see her trying to boss him around, due to the 6 year age gap. Something tells me that “Chiqui-Mama” will be this season’s breakout star. 

Jibri & Miona:

This is the couple that was relentlessly shown on the previews, and almost looked fake. However, tonight we officially got to meet Jibri (who so far in episode 1 I really like). Jibjab is extremely colorful and creative when it comes to his wardrobe and hair, with an upbeat personality to match. Although his whimsical looks would have him standing out in any crowd, it definitely has set him apart in his hometown of Rapid City, South Dakota. He explained his difficulties fitting in as a biracial kid in a small town, and was the most influenced by a Serbian refugee friend from school, turned bandmate, Dah-veed (no, not Emily and Sasha’s toddler son from the previous season of 90 Day, though he’s probably as big as this Dah-veed by now). Jibjab had traveled with his friend and their band “Black Serb” to the Serbian Motherland, where he eventually met his current fiance, the mighty Miona. Miona is a 23  year old makeup artist that appeared to have fallen head first into a vat of Jersey Shore self-tanner, and never made her way to the surface. Between her wild weave, and slew of colorful stretchy outfits, it’s no wonder that Jiblet was smitten. The couple instantly fell in love, making sure to always be Insta-picture perfect as they spent the bulk of their relationship going on lavish vacations. Jibri proposed to Miona, making their official celebrity couple name “Jibrona” (which I think is something Hulk Hogan calls his friends…). 

Since the K1 visa process and colorful outfits can cost a pretty penny, Jibri decided to leave behind the glitz and glamor of LA in exchange for the fruited plains of his youth. He planned for he and Meowmix to move into the family homestead so the couple can get settled and on their feet. Jibiri’s mother Mahala (who also has fun hair) discussed some ground rules as well as her concern for her son’s decisions about his future. It appears that Jibri doesn’t take life too seriously and feels like he will always be able to manage bringing home the bacon by putting his natural born salesmanship to good use. Since moving home, his parents gave him a laundry list of chores he would be responsible for to earn his keep. First on the list was mowing the lawn, which he executed in the most millennial way possible. He took a break from vacuuming the grass to call Princess Miona on video chat and discuss the upcoming move. Jibri seemed a bit uneasy, as he knows his fiance is looking to live a long-lost Kardashian lifestyle in California which he’s currently unable to provide. She refuses to stay too long in the Southern most Dakota, and requires a beach wedding. Jibri’s mom already smells the drama coming, and tried to make sure her son was aware that Miona is to be respectful both in the way she speaks and her clothing choices while in the home. It seems as though Mommadukes is less than thrilled at the idea of the new queen’s arrival.

Shmerica’s naive first impressions: I’ll just say it- I like him! I think Jibri seems sincere and fun. I have a feeling Meowna is going to be the new Anfisa, and will give everyone a run for their money. These two sort of remind me of  Blake and Jasmine from the previous season of 90 Day (Though Miona seems to have a lot more personality already than the blank expressions of Jasmine, and Jibri seems to be a better front man than the mask-wearing shrieking Blake). The recipe for this couple is one party Blake/Jasmine, one part Anfisa, a dash of Erika (for color), and Jasmine’s Tell All wig to garnish. 

Emily & Kobe:

Emily is a free spirited girl from actual Kansas (like the Dorothy one, not this Missouri fake-out stuff this time). Though she grew up in the extremely small, quiet town of Salina (pronounced “Sa-LINE-uh”, Kenny. Not “Selena”, even though I know you love JLo in that movie. You’re so lucky I’m here for you…) Emily decided she wanted to spread her wings and travel. She tried visiting a few different countries before taking a teaching position in the most fun, carefree and exotic location of all; China. Yes, China. She was probably pretty shocked to learn that Panda Express was not as popular there, but not as surprised as she was when she met an African underwear model from Cameroon named Kobe. She was Instantly wowed by his charms, and ended up going home with him that night from the club. Though she figured their relationship would be brief (not boxers), they ended up lasting past their one passionate evening for a few months before Kobe decided to propose. Shortly into their engagement, the couple was shocked to learn that Emily was pregnant. She moved back to Kansas with her family, hoping Kobe would follow on a visitor visa before eventually filing for the K1. Unfortunately the pandemic happened, and Kobe was unable to be there for the birth of their son, or meet him for the first 17 months of his life. Emily’s family seem to be extremely skeptical of the unconventional love story, especially because Emily’s prior relationships all had a “Love After Lockup” thing going on. They tried to encourage their daughter to realize that she doesn’t need to marry Kobe, even though he’s the father of their toddler son, Coban (which sounds like “Covid” every time she says it). Emily is extremely excited for Kobe’s upcoming arrival in the US, but is also nervous, since it’s been so long and she now has a self proclaimed “mom bod”. 

She sat around the dinner table with her family discussing their future housemate, all while her parents gave her the third degree. Sister Emily (and her horribly piecey greasy early 90’s bangs) fancies herself the “responsible” sister, who tends to execute better judgment (but I’m thinking that’s only because she’s never partied in China). Father Emily reiterated his expectations of his future 90 Day son in law, and made sure Emily knows how annoyed he is about footing the bill for everyone for the 6 month after Kobe’s arrival. He also tried to remind his wild child that she is NOT to get pregnant when her underwear model baby daddy arrives (which of course previews show that may be an issue, especially since she is of egg toting age). 

Shmerica’s Naive first impressions:

This couple has a little Kalani/Asuelu thing going on, with potentially equally as much boob-age, but less Chi-hooo. It also has an “Ariela/Biniyam” theme as well, but presumably less butt-bongos. Maybe some..
Kobe seems like a nice enough guy, and I think it’ll be touching to see him meet his son. However, I don’t think he’s going to want to be in Kansas anymore, Auntie Em. 

There are 3-4 more couples left to meet, but so far I am soo mach excited about this new season and can’t wait to discuss each week! You can stop by my FB page every Tuesday, 9:30pm EST for my LIVE chat, so we can all discuss!