Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; Tell All Part 2

The Yell All part deux began with Kimbally running off stage-left after hearing about Usman’s phone call to the elusive Zara-ma’baby-yaya. Her son Jamal (the voice of reason) consoled her outside, as she cried off her under eye concealer (which was working overtime anyway and deserved a break). Both she and Jamal returned to set to further discuss the Usman drama. Jamal calmly and maturely expressed his frustration with his potential StepSojadad, noting how committed his mom has been to the international supastar, and how he found him to be disrespectful of her blind loyalty. Usman replied very passionately, trying to justify his Zara phone call by saying he could sleep with anyone, anytime (or any “Zara”, because it’s synonymous for all women everywhere). The other castmates tried to weigh in by singing Kimbally’s praises (which I’d rather hear over a Sojaboy song any day.. A lot less autotune). 
Next in the hot seat was Ella, who everyone forgot about. Her poorly dyed hair shone brightly under the set lights as Shaun replayed the entire scene where she discussed her cheating ways with Johnny, all while sitting on a stump. Ella explained that she and Johnny were going strong, despite the infidelity, which didn’t sit well with the ladies of B90. She tried to justify her actions by claiming that her love language is “touch”, so it was only logical that she would need to reach out and touch someone else, since Johnny was still in China. Memphis was the first to state her opinion, suggesting that Ella should try video chat “sexy time” with Johnny, since it seemed to work so well in her own relationship. Jasmine had similar advice, while Usman just randomly shouted “GET A TOY”. Kimbally seemed to feel strongly on the cheating matter, claiming she had lost respect for Ella, seeing how badly Johnny had been hurt. Professor Hazmat in his studious glasses, explained the theory of relativity before concurring that cheating was wrong.
Jasmine asked if Ella actually did cheat or if it was a power play to get Johnny to actually come down to the ranch and try ranch (though I prefer blue cheese). Ella admitted to the cast that she did in fact sleep with this other man, but has been faithful and honest ever since. Shaun (who looked fabulous in her green dress) begged to differ, as she brought up a little incident she had heard in which Ella had another man sleep over on her birthday. Ella tried to play it off as nothing, saying it was only a random stranger from the “Obsessed with Asians” chat room she frequents, who flew in to sleep at her house. No big deal.
Memphis’s boobs almost escaped from her mummified dress as she scoffed at Ella’s yammering, asking if she is an adult and can actually be by herself. Ella’s justification for inviting her internet Asian over was so she wouldn’t be alone on her birthday (It’s her party and she cries if she wants to. Which she really does want to, like all of the time). Johnny said he bought a ticket to finally come to the US and would be there in a month (which means Ella only has a few weeks to hook up with random dudes from her town’s one Chinese restaurant). Shaun tried to comfort Ella as she cried during the break, but she was clearly inconsolable (She refused production’s invitation to Craft Services). She called Johnny backstage on video chat to cry some more and apologize. He seemed to be okay, telling her that he still loved her long time.

After the break, the attention turned back to Gino and Jasmania, as if the entire first part of the Tell All wasn’t entirely about their ridiculousness. Everyone sat in silence as they watched the replay of “Nudesgate” and Jasmine flipping her wig (which I guess is why she had to replace it with this new one). Gino squirmed in his seat and he stammered out an excuse, saying he was simply sending pictures to his ex sugarbaby as revenge to show off his hot new Panamaniac, and accidentally sent a topless photo (though he really just spared her the $9.99 she would have had to pay on OnlyFans for a Jasmine peep show). The cast took a break, with Pastor Ben cornering Gino in the green room to Pastorize him. His method includes wearing Under Armour shirts to make sure his audience is hypnotized by his perky nipples. No one seemed to be in the market for Ben’s unsolicited advice, with Kim writing him off as being “all Pastor-y”. Back on set, Shaun replayed the Bohogany relationship, showing everything from the random AirBNB to their final game of “ring-around the cab”. The rest of the cast was quick to ask Mohog why she stood Ben up at the airport, only to hear that she had told him not to come on the day of his flight. Ben’s friend Jessica (who was on his first episode) came on to interrogate The Mahogany, as she felt she was a bit of a User Moohamit. Jessica could not understand why Mohog would have asked for $1000 from a stranger she had me on the internet, who she claimed to love, but yet didn’t want to meet in person or video chat with. She also called out Mohog’s claims that she was too shy to Facetime, but yet not shy enough to have promiscuous photos on Instagram and Facebook (she’s not going to do well on OnlyFans if she doesn’t understand how this pay system works. You send the paying clients those photos and post the boring ones for free, duh). Mohog made less sense than usual, as she shrugged, awkwardly smiled, and spoke in perfect English about how bad her English is. Ben revealed that he actually had gone back to Peru a second time after filming, trying to rekindle things with Hoggy. He decided to self-film his adventures this time, which included Mahogany standing him up yet again, but eventually coming around and the two ended up taking on the title of “boyfriend/girlfriend”. Jasmine let Ben know the entire relationship had “pervert vibes”, as the rest of the cast seemed to concur. Though smiling, Mohog seemed annoyed at Ben’s filming of their trip together before she took a jab at his friend Jessica, calling her “fake”. Jasmine pitched in with the screech-fest as they all battled over who was worse. At the end of their segment, Mohog told Shaun that she still needed Ben to prove himself before she could commit to the title of girlfriend (which, she supposedly already held). Jessica finished off her appearance by saying that Ben is a two faced narcissist that’s been winking at her this whole time.
Right before Shaun’s attention turned to the Tunisia Two-some, Memphis abruptly got up from the stage and took off, saying she had a headache (me too, Memphis, but I’m still here…). She conveniently missed her entire segment claiming to be in pain and having thrown up (I’m thinking she and Hazmat had a quick sexy time in the green room an hour ago and she just now found out she’s pregnant again). Poor Professor Hazmat stayed behind to rehashish their story. They only replayed the part with the pregnancy test, and Hazmat saying “me sexy dad now”. Conveniently no one went over any other happenings from the entire season. Ella made sure to personally welcome Hamsa to the U.S., all while wearing socks and Crocs (Don’t worry, Hazmat. That’s not a cultural thing- it’s an Ella thing. Also, steer clear; her love language is touch). 
Next up were Mike and Xmen, which seemed to get a lot of reactions from the rest of the cast. Mike squirmed in his chair as he was forced to watch back his cringeworthy final days in Colombia, but was proud to announce the couple were back together. Xmen confirmed the relationship was “game on ”, even though she is not currently in love with her flatulent suitor. Jasmine was the first to call Xmen out, saying this was obviously not real love at play, with Kimbally joining in on the “X men sucks” bandwagon. Professor Hazmat assessed the situation by saying “this is no love” (it was Professor Hazmat, in the Library with the turkey noises). 
Mike’s friends John and Nelcy came on to the set to weigh in on their little buddy’s Colombian catastrophe. They stated the obvious, that X-Men was in this relationship for the household appliances exclusively, and did not have genuine intentions. Nelcy tried to speak in Espanol to XMen, asking her straight out if she was using Mike. Mike’s friend John (who still has an eyebrow ring in 2022) was not shy giving his opinion on his friend’s blindness to the situation, and figures he is under the spell of X’s V (but Y???). The entire cast agreed with the friends Mike, especially Professor Hazmat, who is a gentleman and a scholar. Nelcy offered to take Mike to the Dominican Repooblick to find a new amor to “te amo” (which worried me, since Sister Pedro Nicole is still there and I’m not sure I’m ready for that crossover).
The Tell All closed semi abruptly after Mike’s intervention, as everyone scattered back to the green room for their “final thoughts”. Pastor Ben was all pastor-y, calling the rest of the male cast members “weak” and delusional, clearly a pot/kettle situation.
Professor HamNcheese expressed his hopes to bring his mom over to the US eventually so she can work at Sanrio and get a discount on Hello Kitty merchandise. Queen Kimbally continued spitting out #facts and giving that tough love, as she reflected on the Zara drama, unsure of what to do next. Gino was hoping that Jasmine was still interested in repainting his house and maintaining his personal plumbing. Ella thanked everyone as she wobbled off in her tie dye sweatshirt back to Idaho (but Youdaho, Ella). Mike frantically ran backstage to suck up to XMen, apologizing for his friends, as they predicted he would. She did a great job of keeping him on the line with the “te amos” and promesa vacia (that’s “empty promises”, Kenny. And his hija de puta is full of ‘em).

In conclusion, I could have just said:

Ella cried and not only squished one man conclusively but attempted to smash another while waiting for Johnny, who may never arrive in the US because he’s scared of germs even though he owns a hazmat suit. Jasmine is still furious over “nudesgate”, but is trying to work things out with Gino because she has crazy-person love for him. Also, if they had a child while she was wearing this wig, it would look like Slash from Guns and Roses. Memphis got outta dodge and took off before anyone could say anything about her relationship, claiming “ME SICK”, and there was absolutely no information about their baby, only confirmation that “it” was born and Hamza missed it. Hamza became a college professor in the 3 months he has been in the USA, because if you can get pregnant in 5 minutes, you may as well get your degree in 10. Time has no meaning here. (or he bought some stylish frames from Zenni optical using a coupon code, which upped his IQ by at least 30 points).
Ben’s friend Jessica has great hair and was totally right about the Pastor’s narcissism. Also…ABSOLUTELY NO ONE asked Mohog about the AirBNB. What gives?! Somehow everyone sided with Mohog, even though she was shady, and somehow it all fell on Ben, who just kept going to Peru for the fashionable hats. Queen Kim was devastated by the seductive Hasselhoff-esque call Sojaboy made to Zara (synonymous with all women everywhere), but let’s be real- she’s still after that green eggs and yam. Mike sunk in his chair as his friends tried to help talk some sense into him that Xmen was using him to pay off the loan shark for her new XXL bewbs. Everyone concluded that Mike was under some kind of spell from Xmen and wants to work things out, despite Kimbally’s offer to hook him up with some of her friends in California (who are most likely not of egg toting age). 

Nothing new shared. No questions answered. Me no accept this Tell All. 

I actually did really enjoy this ridiculous season of B90 and look forward to the shenanigans that await us in the new upcoming season of 90 Day next week.