Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5, EP 16 & Tell All- Part 1

Mike & Xmen:

Ximena is still reeling after Mike called her a “stupid-head”, while her mother and sister hugged her in a cry circle. Mike came downstairs to say goodbye for the evening, begging to come back in the morning so he could say “adios” to Harold Steven (That’s Harold, and then Steven, Kenny). He cried as he hugged Xmen goodbye for the night, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Xmen’s mother explained how important Mike was to her, personally, since he came around during the pandemic, when her daughter’s manicurist career was in el inodoro (that’s “the toilet”, Kenny), but apparently webcam chat sales were booming…. 
After independently farting the night away in his hotel room, Mike took a break to call Xmen to schedule their awkward goodbye. Patient-X was very cold, reneging on her agreement to let Mike come over for one last “ciao”. Mike was disappointed, as he headed off to the airport, vowing to be done with letting Xmen take advantage of his generosity any longer.
The next day, Xmen sat down wearing her infamous yellow top to film her interview segment when she received a few text messages from Mike. He claimed to still want to play the role of “Mikey Warbucks” and was lost in a delusion that their relationship still had a chance. She reminded him that he accused her of using him for money, but seemed to be offering to pay for her entire life, yet again. Rather than shooting him down (or calling a sicario to exterminate the creepy bug), X gave him the ole’ “Yo no se…” response, leaving things open ended. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice (or 35 times), it’s a shame I’m Mike.

Memphis & Hazmat:

Memphis and Hazmat sat with his family to say goodbye, while wearing matching t-shirts declaring their current roles in their relationship (because she couldn’t find matching “Ugg and Thug” shirts on Etsy, and Kimbally was too busy in Tanzania to make them personalized shirts with her Cricut). Mother and Sister Hazmat seemed sad to see Memphis go, but probably relieved they won’t have to speak like cave dwellers any longer. As the couple loaded into their cab,  Mother Hazmat waved goodbye, wearing an adorable kitty sweatshirt in place of her go-to Hello Kitty sweatshirt  (must have been laundry day).  
The entire ride consisted of a lot of crying, and “te amo-ing” (but, in Arabic, Kenny. I charge extra for other languages). The two had an emotional scene at the airport, with Hamsa crying as he said goodbye to Ugg, who sobbed her way through security (probably feeling extra emotional now that she’s 3.5 minutes pregnant). Can’t wait to see Baby Memphazmat! It was so convenient for them to spawn their own little translator so they could communicate. 

Ben & Mohog:

It’s just so compfusin..…
Mohog walked off from last week in her weird blue blazer, while Ben sat on the bench, calling her “immature”. He followed her back to the cab, trying his best to talk to her, but all she said was an awkward “God bless you”. (Maybe he sneezed??) Though Ben tried to talk from the open car door, Hoggy was not having it, looking very annoyed and repeatedly saying “Oh my Goddddd”. Mohog made sure Ben took his bags out of the cab and demanded the driver leave at once (though it appeared Ben had left his stupid Peruvian tourist hat in the back seat).
Next we saw Ben in his hotel room for his final night in Peru. As he packed his clothes, he revealed that he had sent Mahogany several text messages after the bizarre cab incident, but did not receive a reply; Classic Mohog. Much later in the night, however, he was surprised to see a response, though it was only to “bless” him again, for any future allergies (Meanwhile I sat here for at least 10 minutes arguing with myself over whether Ben made Mahogany a personalized ringtone to The Police’s “Every Breath You Take”, or Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance”). 
Next we saw Ben wearing his stupid hat (eventhough I swear it was in the back of the cab with Hoggy), as he set off for the airport. He spent the entire cab ride scrolling through selfies of he and his imaginary friend, reminiscing about the three magical times they actually met. Ben concluded his segment by saying that MoehogGanknee was not the same person that she portrayed online (physically, and literally), as he gave his final winks to Peru. I actually have no idea what even happened in this relationship, besides the fact that it’s fake. Who cares??! Let’s just dance…

Gino & Jasmaniac:

The couple woke up on their last morning together feeling sad, thinking about going back to their LDR (that’s “Long Distance Relationship”, Kenny. You should know this one). Jasmine cried, feeling she wasted their last night together by being mad about something or other, and claimed she would miss the love of her life (which for some confusing reason, happens to be Gino). They had a tearful cab ride followed by a cry-fest at the airport. Gino even cried in his interview, saying he was willing to do anything for Jasmine, since she loves him more than anyone else ever has (b-word ex wives and sugar babies, included). I just wish he’d stop texting me topless photos of Jasmine…it’s enough already.

Qween Kimbally & Sojaboyfriend:

Now that Kimbally has left Africa, Sojaboy felt the coast was clear enough to call Zara- his ex online girlfriend and muse, for a video chat. Conveniently, Zara has been waiting this entire season wearing the same outfit she was wearing when they showed her picture in the first episode (unless she has like 5 of the same outfits, always a possibility). Usman made the call with his shirt unbuttoned, really showcasing his Sojaboy necklace. He smiled and flirted away, knowing full well that this one conversation would devastate Kimbally and set her into a fit of “yo!!” the likes of which we’ve never seen.  Zara said she missed talking to her supastar penpal, who claimed she must be tired, because she was running through his mind. In true Sojaboy fashion, he had to use the air time to sing a bar from Zara’s self titled song (though the name “Zara ” is synonymous for all women, everywhere). Usman thought he could have a real future with Zara, including children, being that her eggs were still totable, unlike the powdered eggs he was previously accustomed to. She seemed to reciprocate his feelings, and the two left the storyline open for a possible third season. The ladies love the local talent.

Tell All – Part 1

Gino arrived first at the Tell All, walking into walls, deciding to bring a simple gray hat for the occasion. He was greeted by Mike, who looked way better in his “Tell All” suit than he had all season, as he mocked Gino’s headgear. Kim entered the chat, letting the guys know Usman permitted her to side-hug them, as she dove right into smack-talking everyone. Ben rolled up to the set in a tight fitting shirt (and I’m guessing it was a bit nippy in there, since his “headlights were on”). A full-figured woman with horribly dyed hair approached the group, and it took me a good few minutes to remember it was Ella, the girl who has been in approximately 4 out of 16 episodes this season. Her new hair (which was possibly dyed using Koolaid), didn’t help jog anyone’s memory. Kim seemed to be a harsh critic of Ella’s, since she is a bit triggered by anyone cheating, and wasn’t afraid to speak her mind. Besides talking trash about Ella, Kim worried what would be said about her desperate attempts and ultimatums she gave to Usman. Ben chimed in letting Kimbally know that he felt she was a little too aggressive in her wooing tactics towards the international superstar. He went on to compare her to a natural predator in the wild, letting her know she should act a bit more like a “gazelle” than a Sojaboy-crazed Wildebeest. Big boobies Memphis strutted in looking so much better than she had the entire season, since her wig blew off and she had a new short hairstyle. Me like this hair better-Me crooked wig bad.

Shaun started the night off by checking in on each couple briefly, trying to figure out where all of the relationships currently stood. She started the realtalk with Gino and Jasmania, who monopolized most of the screen time (though her Diana Ross-does Panama wig monopolized most of the actual screen). As the video montage rehashed their tumultuous journey, Jasmine claimed to “regret nothing” about her antics, and admitted that she worries about Gino’s ability to be faithful. Shaun questioned Gino about reaching out to other “cast” members, namely Ben’s blonde friend Jessica from the beginning episodes, to try and catch him in a lie. Of course he denied the communication took place, probably afraid Jasmine’s wig would come through the screen and knock off his hat. Shaun had the receipts, making sure to read off the pointless messages between the two, where Gino had asked Jessica if she enjoys the gabagool. Of course Jasminotaur took this the wrong way, yelling at her fiancé, and declaring he was officially in trouble. After that, they went on to the topic of Jasmine and Gino’s “relations”- or more specifically Gino and Gino’s relations. Jasmine claimed Gino had been cheating on her with his right hand, which she considered to be an act of cheating. She almost cried, begging Gino for a piece of his “meat”, while he just sat on stage, squirming uncomfortably (though without his signature sandals). Gino claimed his lack of sexual attraction towards Jasmine was due to their constant fighting over paint colors and last names, and not because she currently looked like Cher, turning back time. Mike tried to chime in (as if he has any advice to contribute in this department), while Gino maintained he was attracted to Jasmine and that they had been intimate more times than she was letting on.
The topic then moved on to the “Nudesgate” scandal, discussing Gino’s texting “oopsie” and obsession with Sugar Babies. Jasmine confessed that she had actually met Gino on a Sugar Babies website, that her “friend” had set up using her photo, and she had NO idea what it was (though her current sugar daddy is paying for her new apartment, and her lips are hovering somewhere between Darcey and Larissa). Jasmine was beyond over the top, as she repeatedly threw Gino under the bus, and then drove with a crazy look in her eye all over him. 

Next in the hot seat was Kimbally with Usman joining via satellite. She still seemed pretty committed to being the girlfriend of an international supastar, although Shaun asked for more relationship details. Kim was grilled on whether she would be able to really go through with letting Usman have another side woman for the sake of procreating one day. She tried to stick to her story, maintaining that she was willing to go “der” for Usman, but was just enjoying being his number 1 fan for now. Her son, Jamal,  joined the set to give his opinion on his “potential” Step-sojadad. Jamal (who will now have a million women sliding into his DMs) pointed out all of the obvious flaws in his mother’s relationship, including the ridiculousness of the title “potential”. Kimbally was standing by her Sojaman,…..that is, until she saw the clip of his call to Zara, aka “all women everywhere”. Kimbally’s whole mood changed in an instant, as she started to process the fact that she traded in her dignity and a PS5 for a little wham yam, thank you ma’am.