Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5, EP 13

Memphis & Hazmat:

Mother Hazmat was helping to comb her son’s impressive hair, before sitting down with the couple for a delicious donut breakfast. She expressed interest in getting to know her future daughter in law a little better, so she made her own appointment with the enthusiastic translator Hamadi. She and Memphis went to yet another cafe (soo maaach cafes), where Hamadi was waiting with bells on (he may actually have been wearing bells, he’s a bit extra like that). The conversation started off innocent enough, with Mother Hazmat expressing her concern for her son’s well being, as she was nervous about Ex Husband Memphis still being in the picture. Memphis assured her “ME HUSBAND ES BUEN HOMBRE”, which means “My husband is a good man” in Spaveman (that’s Caveman/Spanish, Kenny. And it makes no sense because we are in Tunisia. Pretty sure it doesn’t make sense in general). She then questioned Memphis’s attitude and mental breakdown due to her tumultuous upbringing, and how that may affect Humsa directly. Memphis started hulking out for a minute, rattling off all of her accomplishments and hardships she had to overcome in a monotone voice, as the translator used dramatic hand gestures to convey the raw emotion. Mother Hazmat enjoyed the performance so much that she decided her mind was at ease, and she was ready to buy Memphis her own indoor/outdoor plastic lawn chair to welcome her as a member of the family. 

The next day, Memphis went wedding dress shopping with Mother and Sister Hazmat to a traditional Tunisian shop. They made sure to Facetime with Mother Memphis so she could be a part of the festivities, as Memphis put on a little bridal fashion show. The first outfit to hit the runway was a two piece green and gold number, which she modeled with her signature waddle like an adorable little Mucinex character. Unfortunately, much like her mucous doppelganger, the outfit was expectorated. Next up was a white and gold jumpsuit that looked like fat Elivs and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man had a baby, who waddled and wore a crooked wig. This too was voted off the island. So after the first outfit was too big, and the second outfit was too floppy, Goldy Weave tried on her third option (a much more fitted gold and white pantsuit) which was  the Winner Winner Chicken (steak fish) Dinner. Throughout the dress buying experience, Mother Hazmat and Sister seemed to be enjoying themselves, with Mother H even getting out of her seat to imitate Memphis’s ridiculous model-waddle (which would be sure to make Tyra, let alone Ms Jay say “Me no accept this”).

With only two days until “Me Do”, Memphis decided it was time to speak with a lawyer about her prenup. Though she felt like she could trust Hazmat, she wanted to make sure she protected her assets (such as her wig, Sonicare toothbrush Gino sent to her along with a photo of Jasmine topless, and her large collection of Zenni Optical oversized frames). The lawyer informed her that the window of opportunity for drafting a prenup had closed, and the best he could do would be a post-nup, which unfortunately gave her less protection. He advised that  the safest move would be to push back the festivities, which of course were set to begin that night. Memphis was torn on what to do, as she didn’t want to ruin the wedding plans, but she needed the security the prenup would provide. After sitting down on a rock to think for a bit (like all cavemen do), a thought bubble appeared over her head with a picture of Hazmat wearing her wig, and she knew she had to hold off.
Memphis returned to Mother Hamza’s house to pack her things and coldly told Hamza that she needed to spend the night at a hotel to think things over. Poor Hamsa looked confused, especially because he is “So mach sexy yes?”. Will there be wedding bells next week or more monotone cave fighting?!

Ella & Johnny:

Ella shuffled across the woods to sit on her favorite stump and video call Johnny. She made sure to angle the camera to feature her left boob, which looked especially unflattering in her lumpy tank top. When Johnny appeared on the screen, Ella wasted no time asking if he had made up his mind about meeting her in Dubai (It was important to know so she could get enough fabric to swaddle around her head if all systems were go, especially since JoAnn Crafts had texted her another coupon for 50% off if you can dare to find anything in the store that’s regularly priced…. ). Johnny explained  that he was still afraid to leave China due to the pandemic, and wanted to kick the can down the road 7 additional months, which of course was not going to work. Ella became upset, and didn’t want to waste her youthful charm on someone who may or may not ever show up. She explained that she had been feeling lonely and like she needed a little “in-person attention”, so she invited a friend over to “Netflix and Give me the crystal”. During their hangout/movie session, the two ended up sleeping together (I’ll bet they were watching one of those raunchy Anime movies and got all hot and bothered). Johnny was distraught, though he understood the indiscretion being that he was dragging his feet on the visit. He begged Ella not to give up on him and to wait a few more months for his arrival, even offering to buy her a ring to show his commitment (and he had this entire conversation while looking at her belly and chest, because Ella apparently uses Facetime like my mother). Ella cried just as much as ever, but did feel slightly more hopeful once Johnny mentioned the ring (Partially because she ultimately wants to get married, and partially because Lord of the Rings is one of her favorite movies and she wanted to role play as a sexy Gollum). Poor Johnny just wants to turn this Idahoan into a housewife.

Jasminotaur & Gino:

Back in Western Panama, the tensions are rising between Gino and Jazmania. Gino tagged along with Jasmine at the gym, trying to talk to her while she was getting pumped (Did he remember nothing from their last gym fiasco? He’s such a slow learner…).Jasmine put down her weights for a heavy conversation about the nudesgate scandal, once again. Apparently some fake Instagram account sent Jasmine her own naked photos, threatening to spread them all over the internet. Of course this was disturbing news, and she was reminded of Gino’s lack of judgment and stupidity. Gino didn’t seem too concerned (most likely because her wedgie already ended up on international television) and shrugged off the entire situation. Jasmine didn’t feel that Gino was as remorseful as he should have been, further explaining that these photos could embarrass her family and potentially get her fired from her career as an English literature teacher. Instead of begging for forgiveness, Gino suggested he could support Jasmine financially, and would even help her upload her resume on Indeed. com. Jasmine seemed stunned by his callus response, and became so upset that she was actually calm…which may be even more terrifying. 

Gino went to sit by the pool and ponder his mistakes, not realizing the extent of the damage. He slunk over to where Jasmine was sitting on the veranda, looking like a dog who ate your dinner off of your plate when you weren’t looking. Jasmine expressed that she wanted peace and happiness, claiming that Gino’s stupidity was not only affecting her mood but her looks. She compared her current messy eyeliner and baggage in the undereye department to the fresh faced girl in the pictures from day one of “Gino does Panama”, where she had a big smile and perfect nails. Gino, missing the point, offered to take her to the nail salon, but was met with the reality that Jasmine was not a sugar baby, and was actually dating him for free, for reasons unknown. Feeling as though she still could not fully trust him, Jasmania asked to see Gino’s phone so she could snoop through his emails. She let him know that she’s a double threat, Smart AND good at technology, as he shuffled his sandals nervously under the table. Her eyes widened as she came across a questionable email. It appeared that Gino had been galavanting around Legoland with his ex-girlfriend in 2014 (It’s known that the sexiest vacations are to Legoland. Should have taken Mike…..). Jasmine was furious, since Gino had only told her about two trips he had taken together with his ex-girlfriend; Upper Michigan and Disney (in fairness, Legoland is right around the corner). Gino had enough of the Panama Inquisition, and stormed off, cursing under his breath. He was frustrated realizing that Jasmine will be hanging nudegate over his head for all of eternity, and even threatened to give up on the relationship entirely. But not until she returns his Panama Jack hat…

Ben & Mohog:

Back in the sand dunes of Peru (who knew???), Mohog is bringing us up to speed on her status with Pastor Ben. (ps…. The lawnmower haircut has now been confirmed by me to be a blunt haircut mixed with mismatched extensions). Though Mahogany felt that she and Ben were starting to blend nicely together (unlike her haircut and the extensions), she had her doubts when learning more details about his previous relationships. It seems that after they retired to their separate quarters last week, Ben sent a slew of bizarre text messages with more details about his past as well as more weird fictional stories (stop trying to one-up me, Ben. That’s my job). Though the editing in the episode blurred through the first 48 text messages Ben had sent in Espanol, the two that were shown said something to the effect of “So it appears God messed up, and this is not love. But I love you. This is crazy. Here’s my number, call me maybe. P.s.  God hates your hair”. Mohog found the messages to be unsettling, to say the least, and decided that since a simple text made her feel uncomfortable, it would make a lot more sense to discuss things in person. Since no one can have an awkward conversation on an empty stomach, Mahogany headed upstairs in the hotel to the breakfast buffet to get her copos de maiz (That’s “cornflakes”, Kenny). Once there she was “surprised” by her parents, who decided to randomly be in town for a good time/ TLC paycheck. They questioned Ben’s whereabouts, as Mahogany explained her hesitancy with Ben. Although she loves the way that he talks about God, she was weary of his lack of accountability and  feared he may have had a wandering eye in his past relationships….
Meanwhile, Ben was putting his dirty suitcase on the bed as he gathered his belongings to leave. He couldn’t imagine why Mahogany didn’t respond to any of his 400 text messages, especially since they were part of God’s plan (God’s cellular plan, that is. He has the international package, so Ben won’t have to pay roaming fees when he sends 10 pages of creepy messages). 

Mohog waited with her parents, texting Ben (One.Word.Texts.At.A.Time) to see if he would be joining them for desayuno (that’s breakfast, Kenny). He finally responded, saying he was taking a minute to get down with G-O-D (yeah you know me). Mahogany and her parents felt it was rude of Ben not to simply reply that he wouldn’t be joining them, and left them sitting there waiting without knowing where he was (aka revenge ghosting). Though Mahogany blamed Ben for his lack of accountability, she failed to take accountability for her own actions, as well as her fake surfboard and cringey extensions.

Mike & X-men:

The couple picked up with their awkward cliffhanger from last week, where Xmen asked if Mike was ending their relationship. Of course Mike put the ball back in her court, where she claimed to still want to be together, just not anywhere near each other. He seemed to have overlooked all of her previous derogatory comments from last week, and was willing to give love another chance, when he was saved by the bell. His friend Nelcy called back, making sure Mike understood that Xmen was only after his dinero, and not his corazon (That’s heart, Kenny. You know, the thing you and Armando make with your hands in all of your Cameos…It’s adorable.) Ximena got mad that Nelcy was hating both the playa and the game, and tried her best to sway Mike to stay and gross her out just a bit longer. Mike gave in to Xmen’s wishes, asking her to sleep with him and promising not to stare at her like a creepy bug. 
The next morning, Mike was all smiles as he explained that he and Xmen snuck away from the pile of ninos in Ximena’s bed so they could have sexy time in the ole racecar bed (every man’s fantasy… the Thomas the Train sheets cheered on “I think I can!” for moral support). Though Mike was in a much more chipper mood, Xmen was looking miserable as ever. He described her as “tiger” in the bedroom, though she felt he was more of the all-staring owl (which I guess is an upgrade from a creepy bug..)
Later in the episode, Ximena and Mike were heading out on a date night. Mike really wanted to dress to impress, putting on his super awesome batman watch to go with his camo print/sequined skull t-shirt for a “Sicario goes clubbing” look. They arrived at Xmen’s favorite restaurant “Abu Dhabi” (which sounds like a place we might visit in future episodes) so the two could dine poolside. Mike tried to gauge the status of the relationship, post racecar-bed romp, but was unhappy to find Ximena still seeming to be checked out, and now vowing not to sleep with him until the wedding night. It finally dawned on him that Xmen might be in this for the free rent, and that Nelcy was right all along. If Mike really wants to save the relationship, he should try turning into Prison Mike.

Questionably Queen Kimbabygirlly & International Sortaboyfriend Sojaboy:

Back in Tanzania, Kimbally is still coming to terms with the fact that Sojaboy had a girlfriend, “Zara ” for whom the famous song is named after. She called her friend on videochat to get advice on what to do next. Kimbally’s friend obviously felt that Sojaboy was a liar, and tried to convince Kim to give up her dreams of being with local talent. Kimbally, however, wanted to give Usman another chance, but only if he performed a grand gesture to win back her affections. 
On the other side of the resort, Sojaboy was chillaxing, as a supastar does, when he received a text from his Queen for a day. Kimbally met him by the pool to discuss the state of their day long relationship. She voiced her frustrations, and tried to get Usman to understand all of the thought and planning she put into the details of this trip, including paying rush shipment fees for his personalized “Sojaboy” gold slime font necklace. He admitted he put in zero effort, which only escalated the fight. Kimbally tried to withhold the the bling until Sojaboy made any attempt to earn it back, kind of like a necklace hostage situation. Of course the bribe made him laugh, which resulted in Kimbally throwing water in his face (which wasn’t the first time a drink had been thrown at him, and will surely not be the last). 
Sojaboy was all washed up, as Kimbally stormed off, unwilling to deal with his disrespect, and probably saying “yo” a lot. Usman followed her to the hotel suite, explaining that this drink throwing behavior is unheard of in his country and culture (all while Michael sat in Nigeria, laughing, wondering if he had ever seen Angela in action…Hold on to your cake!). The two argued, as Kim confronted the fact that Sojaboy was not in love with her, forcing her to move to her last option of threats; Getting an early flight home. Unfortunately for Kimbally the plan backfired, as Usman’s only response was “Have a safe flight”. 
As he walked away, he already began to feel a sense of longing……for the PS5, Macbook and super cool necklace.