Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5, EP 10

Kimbally & International Supastar Sojaboy (ISS):

It was the morning after the seduction-gone-wrong incident in the notorious pink nighty, and Kimbally and Usman were trying to decide how to navigate the awkwardness. They decided to take a walk along the murky shoreline of Tanzania, hand in hand, so they could talk things out. Kimbally explained her confusion, being that Sojaboy had invited her across the world to be his hype woman but refused to go “der” for her, knowing full well that she wanted to be more than just his number one fan. She laid down the law, stating that if the two were not girlfriend/supastarboyfriend by the end of the trip, she’d be Mother Debbie Done. Furthermore, she demanded that Sojatoy speak with her son to apologize for denying her all-access passes to the yam.
Feeling afraid to lose Kimbally (and any future electronics she may bestow upon him), Usman announced his willingness to sexy-time, sending Kimbally an invite via Google Calendar for 8pm that night. Kimbally was shocked and excited to hear that she was finally going to have her way with Africa’s King of Pop (though probably somewhat concerned, as Usman described it would be “African style”, giving little supporting details except very specific fist gestures and also sending her an Evite to meet with his chiropractor afterwards).
Before any raw-dog could commence, it was important to Kim that she give her son a quick call so he could get to know his “potential” Stepsoja. Kim’s son Jamal (who was a tall drink of water) came on the screen to support his mother, managing to be polite despite being skeptical about Sojaboy’s intentions. Usman claimed he loved Kimbally’s sense of loyalty and support (which are also traits you can find in a Golden Retriever). Much to her surprise, Kimbally’s son seemed to give Sojaboy the benefit of the doubt, which in her mind made it acceptable to get on with her “Yam-Bam-Thank You Ma’am”. 

After getting Jamal’s unwitting blessing, the two potential lovebirds headed up to the honeymoon suite. Sojaboy brought his A-game by putting on his rose colored glasses, a bathrobe, and his gold plated rhinestone SOJABOY necklace he bought on Etsy Nigeria. He presented himself to Kimbally, who was already laying in bed, making sure to hide all of the pillows to avoid any further barriers. Before they pounded yams, Usman made the big announcement that Kimbally was about to receive a title change. She is now “The Artist Formerly Known as ‘Potential’” (aka Queen Kimbally). She giggled with joy, citing that she had “won”, as no physical contact or explanation of “African Style” was displayed on camera. Whether that’s a positive or negative, I’ll let you be the judge…

Memphis & Hazmat:

Hazmat and Mother Hazmat hit the town in search of the perfect groom’s outfit for the upcoming wedding (He could have just bought Aladdin’s wedding suit off of Craigslist…He wore it longer than his actual marriage to Laura). Mother Hazmat wanted to make sure her baby boy looked cute as a button for his wedding to big boobies Memphis, even though she wasn’t sure about their relationship. Hazmat tattle-taled to his mother, claiming that his betrothed is argumentative, bossy, and always talking like a caveman. He also explained that he was asked to sign a prenup, which raised major red flags to Mama H., who had been jilted by her bitter divorce. Mother Hazmat explained the importance of trust in a relationship, and asked that Hamza not rush into a marriage so quickly, even if he’s so sexy, yes. 

Back at Casa de la Hamza, Memphis took some time to call her sister to let her know all about the fun and/or diarrhea she had been having during her Middle Eastern vacay (Really this was a conversation best suited for Mother Sumit, though she would have shown no mercy). Memphis divulged all of the drama of the last few days, including learning about Hazmat’s two year age discrepancy. Desperate for another storyline besides bowel movements, Sister Memphis tried to encourage Memphis to divulge a useless secret to further cause a rift in the couple’s miserable relationship. Apparently during the first month of their online “in a relationship” status, Memphis had a slumber party at her ex husband’s house, which she claimed was strictly platonic. She explained that the two exes are very close friends who happen to share a child, and that they are still in close communication. Of course she realized that Hamza would say “Me no accept this” and has kept it a secret, though decided she should put everything out in the open before it was time to say “Me do.”.

Memphis went up to the rooftop of the apartment building where Hamza was running around in circles, to have a serious chat. Before she could even begin to explain “Me sleep over me old husband house”, Hazmat cut her off at the pass. He used the translator to explain that he felt the couple was rushing into marriage, unsure if they should even follow through with their plans. Who do you think will run away from her first; Hazmat or her wig? (that thing is slipping off quicker than any wedding plans…)

Mike & X-Men:

Back at home in NY, Mike was making a cheesy pita in his bedroom toaster, trying to show off his new Marie Kondo organizational skills that the ladies all love. As he tidied up his futon, he explained that he may need to import Xmen to his dormered bedroom in the event that he can’t get his own place in time for her arrival (You could almost smell the scent of Hot Pockets and Athlete’s Foot like you were watching in SmellOVision). Mike explained that things with Ximena had been a little off since his last visit to Colombia. She seemed a bit distant, not wanting to talk as much, claiming she has to “wash her hair” every time he calls (And the lie detector detected-THAT was a lie. Clearly…).
Mike went downstairs to the kitchen where his father and grandfather were sitting in their assigned seats, hopefully making a dent in the impressive stockpile of Tostitos they have on the countertop. He decided to take some advice from the elder tribal council, and sat down to give them an update on his relationship. Mike explained that things with Xmen had been a bit off lately, and all she keeps talking about is getting money for a boob job. Grandfather Mike (who’s seen a thing or two in his day, but probably not a sicario) insisted that his flatulent grandson should steer clear of donating to Operation “More Biggie”. Mike seemed to heed the kitchen crew’s advice as far as donations went, but decided to take a last minute flight back to Colombia to try and salvage the relationship.
Later on we saw Mike arrive in Colombia to “pop in” on Ximena and make her realize just how much she had missed his general presence.  Xmen didn’t bother to come to the airport this time, as she was a bit too busy getting ready to hit the club since she now has to earn her own money for her trabajo de teta (That’s “boob job”, Kenny. And they are not icky, they make you “Snatched” and a strong woman.) Xmena explained to the cameras that she was much more excited and hopeful about the relationship during the first visit, but after some time apart to reflect, realized that Mike is a bit too clingy, and pungent. Of course this was solidified when Mike (who only walked from the airplane to the cab, and then the cab to the front door) managed to step in dog crap and trek it across the house. Foreshadowing? I believe so.

Xmen did not look the least bit thrilled upon her amor’s arrival, mostly due to poor timing. Apparently her boob job was scheduled at the same time that Mikey Claus decided to come to town, forcing her to postpone her enhancement procedure and thus delaying her illustrious career as a model (One of those Barbizon modeling agency people at the mall told her she had what it takes……to win Ms.Cartel 2022). She was also upset that Mike refused to pay for her new appendages, forcing her to take money from a loan shark (I wonder how many internal organs that’s going to set her back…)
Mike couldn’t help but notice He-Man’s lack of enthusiasm, but vowed to win her over by showing her how neatly he packed his suitcase. Xmen didn’t even want to cancel her clubbing plans in honor of Mike’s arrival, feeling obligated to ask him to tag along even though he was obviously going to cramp her style (that black tank top and Y shaped rosary bead necklace was straight out of the 1997 edition of “Cartel Casuals” magazine).Despite his exhaustion, Mike agreed to go clubbing (hoping the DJ would at least play the Macarena), and even managed to rally until about 12am. He was disappointed, however, when Xmen refused to leave, sending him off in a cab alone. 
The next morning, Mike was up early and working remotely from his computer downstairs. Ximena stumbled out of bed, hungover from her night out that lasted until 9 am, and looked pained as she sat down at the kitchen table for an obligatory conversation. Through the translator device, Mike expressed his hurt feelings after spending his first night in Colombia alone, while his alleged fiance was off droppin’ it like it was caliente (That’s hot, Kenny). Between the bright daylight, Mike’s voice, and the lingering smell of dog poop in the rug, Ximena couldn’t deal, and hiked back up the stairs in her short shorts.
Whatever happens, I just hope Father and Grandfather Mike are on pillowtalk, from the kitchen.

Gino & Jasmine:

In the wake of the nude photo scandal, Jasmine (who has now had a wedgie for 2 weeks) took all of her stuff and moved to a different room away from Gino and his texting addiction. She stopped by the hotel bar (making sure to charge as much as possible to Gino’s room) as she drowned her sorrows and called her girlfriend to vent. She felt as though Gino had pretended to be sincere, but deep down he was always a creepy guy from Michigan. Gino brooded alone in his cabana, picking at a splinter in his finger as he claimed to be “devastated” realizing he may have lost Jasmaniac for good.
Though it was out of character, Jasmine managed to remain somewhat calm for most of the day, trying to sort through her feelings. As the day moved into night, however, Jasmine got that crazy look in her eye, and decided to form her own band; “Rage Against the Ma-Gino”. She stormed over to the cabana to give him a piece of her mind, all while still wearing the thong bathing suit (She should be careful, it’s been two weeks… that’s begging for an antibiotic). Wanting Gino to feel equally as exposed as she did, Jasmine knocked off his hat, letting the world see his throbbing cranium. Luckily Gino came prepared for such occasions and had a backpack full of emergency backup hats, leaving his head exposed for way less airtime than Jasmine’s derriere (That’s her “behind”, Kenny). Jasmine screamed through tears, begging for Gino to explain his rationale for sending her topless photos, before having her lightbulb moment; She should totally text pictures of Gino’s other head (the hatless one) to HER ex boyfriend (who probably would have just been confused, though I’m sure if she has an EX boyfriend he’s floating at the bottom of the Panama Canal by now..) Gino felt the gesture was warranted and would make for an even exchange to settle the score, which only further enraged hurricane Jasmine. She started lunging forward, swinging at Gino, as production tried to deescalate the situation. All this happened while still in the thong. I call it “Big wedgie energy”.

The next morning brought a change of attitude and wardrobe, as Jasmine sat puffy-eyed in her tropical print dress, ready to head off of the dreaded island. Gino finally began to feel remorseful, and was appreciative that Jasmine agreed to see him for his lukewarm apology (she was in a much better mood since excavating the fabric from her crack). Somehow she ultimately decided to forgive him, concluding that he truly loved her and was being sincere. They hugged it out as they prepared to leave the island together (though I think Gino should sleep with one eye open…. Kind of like Ben. I bet that happens to Ben). I’m sure Gino feels this vacation was worth the $2500 price tag.

Ella & Johnny:

Ella wandered over to her couch wearing her most come-hither jorts (that’s jean shorts, Kenny). She was busy looking up tickets to Dubai so she can finally meet her dreamboat, Johnny. After maxing out her credit card, she decided to call Johnny to confirm he would be there (Maybe Xmen should have a consultation with HER on how to be more organized). Being a sucker for a good theme, she decided to Facetime Johnny while wearing 2 yards of fabric draped over her head in honor of her upcoming Middle Eastern trip (or to channel her inner Avery’s mom during her wedding, which was quite possibly one of my favorite 90 Day looks of all time). Johnny seemed to be backing out of the Dubai trip, let alone trekking to the Potato State, in fear that he would catch the ‘rona and have to quarantine for 5 weeks. Ella (who was being privately coached by Kimbally, and bought her self help book “From Potential to Yammed from Behind; Queen Kimbally’s Journey”) decided to lay down the law. She told Johnny that she couldn’t wait any longer, and if he refused to meet this time around, she would have to turn over every stone (not Stony) in Idaho looking for any sign of Asian men. Basically, she wants to Idahoe around.
Feeling conflicted, Johnny decided to meet up with his friend Wang (pronounced “WONG”, stop thinking about Gino’s picture Jasmine just texted you…) and discuss the Ella dilemma. Wang, being a hopeless romantic, encouraged Johnny to take the risk and go to Dubai. Idahope something happens soon, because this crying on Facetime is getting old. 

Ben & the waitress at La Milonga:

After two weeks of waiting at “La Milonga”, Ben began to fear that his beloved Mahogany may have only been “The Williams” after all. He sat directly across from the door, hoping and praying that his lovely Mo-hog would show up, like many of the founding fathers of 90 Day before him.
As luck (or production) would have it, the sound of clicking heels filled La Milonga’s entryway, as the unfiltered real live Mahogany made her grand appearance. Ben was so shocked, he questioned if his eye was deceiving him. Hoggy made her way towards the table as the two embraced in their first awkward on-screen hug. She loosely apologized for standing him up at the airport as well as for making him sit alone for two weeks and three hours at the restaurant.  Of course Mahogany looked nothing like the Sims character she facetuned herself to be, but Ben still couldn’t help his big toothy grin as they got to know each other in person. She claimed to prefer to go by mo-HOG-gandhi (which was good, since she’s going to have to order the Gandhi special, since she was 2 weeks and 3 hours late and all of the restaurant employees were ready to go home…). Ms Gandhi’s English was surprisingly good, as she had the nerve to say that Ben looked different from his photos, as if she didn’t use the Rebecca photo editor herself. They had a painful conversation about empanadas before Ben decided to break the ice by asking her “Why do you love me???” She explained that she loved Ben’s big heart, sweet abs, and (serial) killer determination.

After 10 minutes of uncomfortable chatter and one lousy empanada, Mahog was ready to call it a noche (that’s night, Kenny). Ben walked her out to her car, memorizing her license plate, as he leaned in for a sensual, hair-sniffing hug. As he held her tightly, he expressed his happiness on this momentous occasion, and let her know that he “te amo”s her. Mahogany did not return the sentiment, as she got into her tiny car, which drove off so fast, and couldn’t be stopped… kind of like a runaway train. Let’s just dance.