NEW!! Before the 90 Days Season 5

Before the 90 Days; S5, EP 9 1/2

Posted on by ericashmerica

Though there was no new episode on this week, I decided to take matters into my own hands and write one. Here’s what might have happened..

Gino & Jasmine:

Gino sat on the bed in the bungalow trying to process, very slowly, what just hit him (and very glad he got a wholesale deal on his signature hats. Never know when you’re going to need a backup in an emergency). He could still hear Jasmine crying loudly as she paraded through the tropical toxic island. She wandered into the hotel gift shop, distraught, looking for a shoulder to cry on. The girl behind the counter greeted her asking if she needed help, as a tearful Jasmine went off about Gino and the Nudegate scandal. The sales associate then said “Listen, I don’t want to make things any worse, but…. I also received texts of your topless photos. In fact, all of the hotel employees did, and I think also the 20 people that live on the island. We don’t even know how he got our numbers”. Jasmine stood with her mouth open in shock, unable to comprehend how or why Gino would do such a thing. 
She backed up and slowly turned to head back to the cabin (giving the sales girl a front seat ticket to the wedgie viewing party).  
Jasmine stormed back to the cabin to scream at Gino for the latest offense, but when she entered, he was mid-text. Her eyes nearly popped out, as her inner Panamaniac made an appearance, grabbing the phone in a fit of rage. She scrolled frantically through his sent messages to see what damage had been done. It appeared he had sent her topless photos to every person who had ever been on 90 Day Fiance. One message was from Molly, who had said “She looks like a 34 C”. Another message was from Hamza who said “Not enough fat boobies. Me sexy”. And the last message she saw was from Coltee, who said “I wish mine looked like that!”
The Investigation Discovery crew landed early on the island, just waiting to start filming forensic evidence (which so far only included a dirty toothbrush).

Mike & Xmen:

Mike & Xmen finished saying their goodbyes, as he sniffled into a crumpled tissue and headed into the aeropuerto (that’s airport, Kenny). As Mike approached the counter to check his baggage (which consisted of a new wardrobe of Colombian Cowboy hats and soccer jerseys), he was tapped on the shoulder. Thinking it was his beloved He-man running after him for one last kiss and “te amo”, he turned around smiling, only to see three security guards. 
They escorted him to a back room with stark walls, bright lights, and a metal table. There they sat Mike down and began questioning him as he frantically relied on Jihoon’s translator app to figure out what was going on. The first guard pulled out an uninflated balloon, filled and knotted at the end. The man slapped it on the table, questioning as to why this was found inside of Mike’s luggage, and what was inside. Mike looked stunned, stuttering into the translator device “I have never seen that before in my life! It’s not mine!” (which the device translated in Spanish as; “My whole family anal is so clean”). Of course this gave the guards another place to look for more contraband..
Mike was shaking, and dropped his dirty, snotty tissue on the table, which completely grossed everyone out, and ultimately sealed his fate. They seized him, calling for backup, and immediately hauled him off to a Colombian jail. 
Mike was in complete shock, as he was processed and put into a cell with another inmate named Harold Steven Señor. Mike nervously greeted him with “te amo” (which was probably more of a second day in jail kind of greeting) as he wondered if Harold Steven was really such a popular name in Colombia (much like Mike in the U.S., or Alina in Russia, or even Asuelu in Sam-wa). Luckily, Mike was able to keep his translator device, using it to ask his bunkie if and when they are allowed to use the telefonos (that’s telephones, Kenny). Lucky for Mike, Harold Steven Senor fished around in his shorts and handed Mike his own personal cell phone, which conveniently had X-men’s number on speed dial. Mike, still in shock, called Ximena from HarryStevie’s secret phone, using the translator app to let her know “I’ve been taken to jail, I don’t even know why!” which of course translated to “Meet me at our favorite place, bye!”. He handed back the phone to his roomie, and lay on a cot, wondering what his father and grandfather would say about all of this (from the comfort of their assigned seats in the kitchen). Just then, the sewer grate on the floor moved and Xmen came popping out of the top, looking more excited to see Mike than ever. Seems like this will actually be a positive in their relationship.

Cowlube & Alina:

After Caleb saw Alina being wheeled off into the distance by the airport aide, he decided to peruse the gift shops. He came across some “I heart Turkey” stretch pants- the perfect souvenir. As he paid, he struck up a philosophical conversation with the person at the register, talking about life, travel, their third eye…ya know, life and stuff. It was so in depth that he did not manage to hear the boarding call for his flight, and was shocked when he reached the gate just as the door was being shut. He let out a sigh, as he readjusted his man bun from underneath his sock hat and sat on the floor to meditate about what to do next. As he was “Ohm”ing away, he felt a presence hovering over him. He opened his eyes to see a pair of skinny legs in some plaid pants and a sequin belt, and realized it was Elijah. He questioned what in the world Elijah was still possibly doing at the airport, being that he was supposed to have left days before. The two walked over to Sbarros Turkey at the airport food court, where Elijah explained that he had been writing to Cowlub for the last 13 years, using Alina’s photos as a cover. Caleb’s mind was blown, and he had no idea what to say next. He began to speak, but was interrupted by the simultaneous buzzing of both he and Elijah’s cell phones. It appears to have been Gino texting topless photos again. “Yaaaas queen” said Elijah, as the two finished enjoying their overpriced lunch. 

Ben & His Imagination:

As Ben sat at the restaurant for about an hour (trying to beat David’s record), he called the waitress over to finally order some food. The waitress took his order, smiled politely, and headed off to the kitchen. Ben had felt such a connection in that smile- an emotional connection that he had never felt before. He grabbed a cocktail napkin and a pen, and decided to write her a quick story to better articulate his feelings. It was entitled “Runaway Plane”, and told the story of a couple flying coach to Peru, wearing matching House of 11 outfits, when the plane began to experience a bit of turbulence. The captain came on and announced that the plane was going down- everyone’s nightmare, and the couple said “Who cares, let’s let our snack trays down anyway”. 
When the waitress (who’s name was Hickory) returned, Ben wasted no time and began to enthusiastically recite his love story (He had to stop reading in the middle though, because he received a text, but looked down to see it was only Gino sending random topless pictures again. He rolled his eyes and continued..).Hickory did not know how to react to the love ballad and the crazy look in Ben’s eye as he read aloud. She became so panicked, that she flung the food from her circular black try directly onto Ben, and took off running. Now covered in Peruvian cuisine, Ben sighed as he headed for the bathroom to wash up. He was at the sink, dabbing at his shirt with a paper towel, when out of the stall came David. He of course recognized him from the previous season of Before the 90 Days, and asked what he was doing there, in that restaurant in Peru.
“Well Lana told me to meet her here” he replied. “You didn’t think you were going to one up my waiting game did you??” He washed his hands and left. Ben was stunned, his mind racing like a runaway train, until he heard a flush in the next stall. Out came Caesar, from Before the 90 Days. 
“What? You guys thought you could one up me?? I INVENTED this game. Not going to happen. Also, I can help give you a pedicure and fix up those ugly toes”. He washed his hands and walked out.
Ben’s mind was spiraling, like an out of control race car, as he finished cleaning himself up and walked back out in the restaurant. He joined David and Caesar at a round table in the middle of the restaurant, to see who could wait the longest.

Ella & Johnny:

Ella was busy packing for Dubai to go meet her “Asian Prince”, Johnny. She made sure to only bring the essentials; A few crystals, a dragon statue, a VHS copy of “The Craft” and her most “come hither” wig. She headed to the airport, and walked all the way to her Emirates flight, but wasn’t sure if she was at the correct gate. She tapped the shoulder of the man in front of her, who was a dreamy middle eastern man with great hair and a full beard. Stunned, she managed to stammer out “Is this the flight to Dubai?”, but the man’s only response was “I am sexy baby, yes. I like fat boobies”. 
She never returned. 

Kimbally & Sojaboy:

Kimbally was pacing the halls of the hotel in her pink nighty, unsure of what to do next. She felt horribly embarrassed for throwing herself at the Supastar. Sojaboy came outside to try and calm her down and coax her back into the room by letting her know he’d go “der” for her (but not like, here AND “der”). Once she had settled back down and returned to her side of the pillow fortress, Sojaboy clapped his hands, activating the hotel Clapper, and the two went to bed.
The next morning, Kimbally awoke and eagerly peaked over Pillow Palace to gaze at her dream man, only to find him missing. She turned on the lights, and all of his stuff was gone. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. She scrambled to find her bathrobe and flung the door open. No one was there, but a lone room service cart with a wicker basket full of yams. Kimbally was so confused, but she saw there was a note that read “These are the only yams you’re getting. I got it on the first night. Love, Baby Girl Lisa ”.

ericashmerica

31 thoughts on “Before the 90 Days; S5, EP 9 1/2”

  1. Diane says:

    I started laughing before I started reading this recap of the “way it could have been”!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Thanks a million

    Reply
  5. Bridget Bande says:

    I would totally watch these shows! You are the best and TLC needs to hire you for story lines! Harold Steven Senor 😂😂

    Reply
  10. Evelyn Gault says:

    Erica you are good you should be a writer for the show you are so funny the way you describe things and people reading your recaps I didn’t miss the show keep up the good work until next week thanks for making my day take care

    Reply
  18. Sheila says:

    Erica, I have watched the entire 90-day universe, from the 1st season of all of them. I have not laughed THAT hard in literally YEARS! You should be writing for a major studio in ANY comedic writing venture! You are HILARIOUS! Laughter is indeed the most AMAZING medicine!

    Reply
  19. Marlene says:

    And the award goes to Elijah writing to Caleb for 13 years instead of Alina!!!! Another “catfish-y: story!!!! This was the best re-cap of the Season, (I loved everyone getting that psycho’s nude pictures! ) Hysterical!!!

    Reply
  20. Ashley D says:

    This was hilarious🤣🤣 Cowlube🤣🤣🤣 I can’t. This was a great story line especially Gino texting everyone jasmines pics🤣🤣

    Reply
  22. Guglielmo Terri says:

    You are the best. Made my day . Great recap of no episode. But in the 90 day world some of this could possibly happen 🤔 😊

    Reply

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