NEW!! Before the 90 Days Season 5

Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5 EP 9

Posted on by ericashmerica

Gino & Jasmine:

Back in Panama, we rejoined Jasno amidst their tense conversation in their tropical wasteland.
Jasmine’s temperature was about to reach the boiling point, as she just discovered that Gino had sent topless photos of her to his ex-girlfriend, for some bizarre reason. Though you may be asking yourself “Why would anyone do that?!” Gino’s simple and logical explanation for the breach of trust was that he was simply showing off the wow factor of Jasmine’s attributes to make his ex jealous. Jasmine cried hysterically, realizing now that Gino’s slow babytalk was actually his normal speed and that he seems to be a bit “touched” (though no longer by her). She immediately got up from her chair and stormed off, crying, from both the unfortunate situation as well as the painful wedgie that her thong swimsuit was inflicting. 
Jasmine found a shady place to sit and looked over the rest of the shady messages from Gino’s ex. The mystery woman also brought Jasmine up to speed on the fact that Gino, the Italian Stallion, had a few Sugar Babies in his stable. That’s right- Gino apparently had a “professional date” or two in his past. 

Reeling from the recent revelations, Jasmine stomped back to the couple’s shanty to give him a piece of her mind. She screamed at him through tears, questioning why in the world would he ever send something as personal as nude photos to his ex-girlfriend (as she picked the wedgie out of her currently exposed behind). Gino sat on the bed looking like the love child of Forrest Gump and Slingblade, nodding with an underbite as he tried explaining that his photo swap was actually flattering, since he was showing off his sexy Panamanian girlfriend. He was hoping Jasmine’s physique would drive his ex-sugar baby wild with jealousy (especially since she only cost a mere $2500 in a vacation package to a nuclear power plant..what a bargain!). Unable to believe the stupidity being spewed from the human hat, Jasmine gathered her things to move to a different room, making sure to throw the gifted electric toothbrush into the dirt outside, because symbolism (also, the dirt was glowing. Don’t touch it.).Before she left, Jasmine made sure to confront Gino about the sugar baby situation. He explained that regular old dating hadn’t been working for him, so he decided to try “something different”, and went to rent-a-center where he easily met beautiful women for $250/date. Gino claimed the dates consisted of only dinner (which we know from the first episode was Hungry Jack on the Lazy Boy), and that they were a thing of the past, since he now has Jasmine for free. Jasmine went wild, vowing that she was going to get her own daddy Warbucks, instead of Gino Lowbucks, and that she had actually authentically cared about the capped crusader. Gino didn’t seem to have an ounce of remorse over Jasmine’s tears, not even bothering to apologize for violating her privacy. Wishing that Gino could feel as vulnerable and exposed as she now did, Jasmine reached over and knocked off Gino’s hat (and security blanket), throwing it far into the hazardous jungle in what will go down as one of the most iconic scenes in 90 Day history. Jasmine revealed The Michigan Bruce Willis’s bulbous empty head, which had a new kind of mullet; Snowglobe in the front, shag carpet in the back. (Apparently he felt that growing the back out would make it seem like there was hair under the entire hat. One may say “It is an illusion”…. Just get one of those Joe Dirt mullet hats and be done.)
Not sure where this is going to go from here, but things are about to get a lot more stupider, and I’m so mach excited.

Mike & Xmen:

Mike was waiting nervously at the fancy shmancy restaurante in preparation for his big proposal. He had a special cake made with a banner that read “Will you marry me, He-man?” that he planned to present at the memento perfecto (that’s “perfect moment”, Kenny).
After a delightful dinner with the entire family, it was finally Mike’s time to shine. He read an entire paragraph in Espanol, citing all of the many reasons why Xmen is the best, including but not limited to her greasy hair, she knows a sicario, and she has great taste in pink furniture. He topped the whole speech off with “You complete me” (channeling his inner Dr. Evil, though he is visually more similar to Mini Me), before bringing out the cake to pop the big pregunta (that’s question, Kenny..but it also sounds like something Dr. Pimple Popper might do). Xmen cried, as production edited in the daunting anxiety producing music, leaving viewers questioning her response as they went off to a lengthy commercial break, where we were forced to watch the previews for the 8000 lb friends show and the one about people with weird stuff in their ears. Why are you like this, TLC?

When they returned, Xmen of course said “Si”, loving Mike’s thoughtful gesture, and especially the cake (some may even say he swindled her with cake). The camera panned to Father Xmen who was tearing up with emotion, but mostly because he was picturing all of the new appliances and “As Seen On TV” items he’s going to request from his new son in law. Mike deemed it the best night of his life, since he now knows Ximena will be with him ‘til death do they part (or at least until the sicario tracks them down). 
The next morning it was finally time for Mike to head home to New York, where his father and grandfather will surely be waiting in their exact same seats in the kitchen . He and Xmen had a tearful goodbye at the airport, as they used Jihoon’s translator device to relay each other’s parting words. 
I was going to buy them a toaster, but it appears Mike already bought her one, so I may pick up a Slap-chop instead (And a Sham-wow for Father Ximena, just to really show off). 

Cowlube & Alina:

Shall I cut to the chase? Cowlub doesn’t want to be with her. The end.
But if you must know…
Cahlub and Alina were having yet another pointless conversation about their weird vacation fling, with Alina questioning what will happen after the trip. Things got a bit awkward, as Caleb talked in Confucius-speak, trying to confuse his tiny counterpart who sat there looking at him with her head tilted like when I ask my dog if he has to “go out”. She finally asked him outright what the deal will be when “I go Russia”, but never got a straightforward answer.
The next day, they repeated the same conversation on a scenic boat ride, but this time Caleb said the weather was nice.
On their last day in their hotel room (and after a quick meditation sesh in his most comfy Lularoe leggings that he purchased from Sisterwife Meri to support her LulaRoe empire and help fund the building of her house on Coyote Pass, facing the mountain, away from the trees, not near the pond, despite the fact that she and Kody haven’t even been in a real relationship for a decade due to the catfish ordeal……..:*deep breaths* Sorry, me and Mike have ADHD), he finally let Alina know the truth about his hesitations with pursuing a relationship; He’s not used to dating little people. He explained further that he couldn’t imagine catering to her long term with her disabilities (or put simply, he didn’t want to tote her). Alina was upset, as she snuggled into Caychub’s armpit/chest hair combo one last time. 
The next day they headed to the airport, sitting close to each other in the cab, knowing they will probably never see each other again (especially now that they were cut from the Tell All). Cowlub made sure to request that someone else pushed Alina off to her gate, as they both cried, before he casually wiped his tears and went to Hudson News to grab a Sudoku and some beef jerky for a little protein for the ride home. It’s all part of the journey….

Memphis & Hazmat:   

Well, to put it simply…
Me woke up hotel. Me happy, no more 30 seconds, 60 seconds is better me. Me satisfied sexy time but too much tequila me no feel good. No planning, embassy too late, me no marry, but me want chicken, steak, fish. Me hungry.
(And for Kenny, here’s the translation:)
Memphis and Hazmat woke up in their hotel room after their second sexy time encounter. The second time around was a lot like Wrigley’s double mint gum; Double the pleasure, double the fun (and perhaps double the time, clocking in at 60 seconds as opposed to the previous 30 second record). Although Memphis was still upset about the marriage license paperwork snafu from last week, she seems to have been more concerned with eating, because “me hungry”. As the two sat down for their post-coital lunch, Memphis ordered the surf and double turf, with Hamza complimenting her healthy appetite, which produced “fat boobies”, his fave. Memphis brought up the super sexy topic of signing a prenup (that’s “prenush” if you were ever a Juliana fan). Of course this confused Hazmat, as the concept doesn’t seem to exist in Tunisia. It probably would have made a lot more sense if she would have just said “Me want you to sign papers so you no steal me Beanie Babies collection from 1994 when me divorce you.You sign paper or no me marry”  for clarification. Hamza felt embarrassed and upset at Memphis’s doubt and lack of trust, but decided to keep quiet so as not to anger the feisty cavewoman. 
After lunch they seemed less than thrilled as they rode on to the consolette to pick up the paperwork for their marriage license. Memphis seemed to have no issues getting the proper documents the couple needed, but neither of them felt in the mood to celebrate. Memphis asked Hazmat about details for their wedding, which he had claimed to be taking care of. Being that they were about to become Mr. & Mrs. Thug & Ugg, Memphis felt it was time to discuss finances. She was shocked after asking him “Me want to know is you broke?” only to find out that Hazmat didn’t have any savings. Of course this made Hazmat feel completely emasculated, and he was questioning just how much he wanted to deal with the person attached to the fat boobies. Me done.

Ben & His Imagination:

Since his soulmate “The Mahogany” failed to make an appearance, Ben decided to make use of his screen time by showing off his abs as much as possible. He headed to the Hampton Inn Peru gym facility (after his complimentary breakfast of stale cereal and personally made waffles with the super fun waffle maker that no one ever cleans), so we can drink in a little more sweaty Ben action.
He again discussed his current dilemma, and admitted to sending Mahogany a slew of text messages, one which really showcased his soulful side. Since he couldn’t take the hint at the airport, Ben decided to make things even more awkward by texting her an 80 paragraph story he wrote entitled “The Runaway Train”. The story was about a couple riding a crashing train while wearing some brightly colored outfits, who decide to ignore their impending doom and bailar (That’s dance, Kenny). Apparently Pastor Ben is a Soul Asylum fan, and it’s showing. Unsurprisingly, Mahogany did not respond to his literary masterpiece (which was actually longer than my recaps). Feeling a bit emotional, Ben decided to call his friend Chris to let him in on phase 2 of Operation Stalker. Instead of going on vacation by himself like Caesar, he decided to head to Mahogany’s hometown and search door to door like David (He could have chosen option 3; Yolander…and gotten lost in his own pantry while looking for “The Williams”). Of course Ben’s friend Chris thought the love quest was a stupid idea, but he decided to be supportive and wish him luck, though warning Ben to go into this with his eye wide open.
And with that, Ben got dressed up, making sure to cover his unsightly toes, as he called Moe-hog one last time, without any luck. Afraid he had jinxed himself with taking a train, Ben hailed a cab and headed for the town of San Bartolo, making sure to ask the driver for a restaurant recommendation where he could meet his true love. Once he got a positive Yelp review, he sent Hoggy one last text, letting her know the meet spot. The ghost with the most surprisingly replied, but only to let him know San Bartolo was very far from Lima (but only a few hours more than Michigan, I’m sure).  
Ben arrived at the restaurant, taking his seat at his hopeful table for two, as the waiting game began. He sat there for about 40 minutes, only managing to order a water (Mike told him not to order the frijoles.. Could make him gassy). Of course the episode ended in suspense, as we all waited for Mahogany to arrive, though it appears she’s on a runaway train never coming back.

ericashmerica

34 thoughts on “Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5 EP 9”

  8. Nancy Manypenny says:

    You outdid yourself on this week’s recap! Lol. Love the references for Kenny. Memphis n Hamza OMG.
    Wish Ben would go home n spend time with his kids.

    Reply
  9. Mary Joy says:

    Amazing as usual, I like reading your synopsis more than the actual show! And yes, what is TLC doing abs who cones up with all these ideas for shows ?

    Reply
  14. Bridget says:

    Absolute best part:
    purchased from Sisterwife Meri to support her LulaRoe empire and help fund the building of her house on Coyote Pass, facing the mountain, away from the trees, not near the pond, despite the fact that she and Kody haven’t even been in a real relationship for a decade due to the catfish ordeal—😂😂

    Reply
  18. Suzanne Guevara says:

    Erica, you’ve done it again and I am happy for it.
    It was all good, but snow globe in the front, shag carpet in the back did it for me (also with picking the wedgie).

    Reply
  20. Gladys Perez says:

    U r funny..u make u recaps enjoyable to read…keep them coming..too bad u don’t do Darcy and Stacy..would enjoy how u would describe the plastic dolls

    Reply
  24. Denise T says:

    Awesome as usual!! Only thing missing was when Jasmine ripped off his hat, she said now your are naked. That was so poignant. I was not a Jasmine fan until last Sunday.

    Reply
  30. Lois Leon Stein says:

    Erica, you ALWAYS come through when this 77 year old “Retired” R.N., and “Biker Gal,” needs a good laugh! ALL the best lines, in your Recap, was the ENTIRE “Blog!” LOL! You GO Gal! 💁‍♀️🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻😎🏍😁😂🤣

    Reply

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