Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5, EP 8

Kimballllly & ISS (International Supastar Sojaboy):
Meanwhile, back in the honeymoon suite…
Usman decided to make Kimbally’s wildest dreams come true by spending the night in her room. It appears that the pillow barricade didn’t last the whole night (Hamza-style), as Kimbally awoke face to face with her Superstar. Though the yammy-yam did not make a guest appearance, Kimbally said there was some romantic touching (and thankfully there was no further explanation of whatever that entailed). Since the first night together went seemingly well (or because he enjoyed the lumbar support that the honeymoon suite bed provided), Sojaboy decided he was movin’ on up, Jefferson’s style, and made it official by going downstairs to get his luggage.
Back in his room, Slamty and BadMoose were sitting around (presumably busy working on USB Enterprises, but possibly on TikTok). They still could not understand why Kimbally had crashed the Tazmanian party, and what Usman’s end game was with her. Though he tried to explain the fact that he liked Kimbally, but not like-like, like boyfriend-girlfriend like, but “other” like,  things were still unclear.

Back upstairs, Kim decided to put it all on the line. She took off all of her makeup as per Sojaboy’s preferences and slipped into a very seductive cotton nightgown from Walmart in an attempt to get Usman to go “der”. 
Usman returned to the room in his swim trunks with his luggage, walking cautiously when he saw the romantic ambiance and flowers strewn about the bed. With her champagne in hand, Kim did her best to tossle her hair and seduce him in her own version of Neverland Ranch. Sojaboy tried to maintain that he was saving himself for marriage (even though we all know BGL got a very different reception on night one, though we try to forget). Kim got frustrated playing coy, and decided to just mention outright, in her best Dinyell voice “I want my seckss tonight!!”. Usman was put off, even threatening to leave the room, maintaining that he wants to take things slow and isn’t yet committed, no matter how many heart nighties and dark undereye circles Kim throws at him.
She eventually got him to agree to stay, taking sexy time off of the table for only a few minutes. She felt as though Usman was giving her mixed messages, being flirtatious and complimentary but dodging her advances with Matrix-like backbends. Through tears, she started to get mad, even mentioning that her son was going to “cuss him out” for the way she was being treated (although I’m sure her son would just be cussing him out for stealing his PS5….). 
Feeling embarrassed, Kim tried to leave the room, with Usman in his swim trunks now reassuring HER she should stay. It looks like Kim may have learned some moves from Michael Jackson after all…

Pastor Ben & The Williams:

Ben waltzed off of the plane in Peru with a pep in his step and excitement in his eyes (well, one, anyway). As he deplaned, he looked around the airport eagerly for his beloved Mahogany, but was devastated when he didn’t see anyone who looked like a Bratz doll in the crowd. 
After 20 minutes of embarrassment, he finally hailed a cab to the Peruvian Hampton Inn, making sure to let his cab driver know he had been stood up by his imaginary girlfriend. Back at the hotel, he set up a Zoom chat with both David and Caesar (the dream team) to make a game plan for how to proceed. 

Ella & Johnny:

Ella headed over to the family ranch with her gaggle of dogs to discuss her dating dilemmas with her parents. Mother Ella, a hardy and handsome woman, seemed unphased that Johnny Rotten was backing out of the deal just as she had suspected. Ella cried until the cows came home (ironically), while her mother gloated and her father stood awkwardly in the background, squishing cow pies. She explained that Johnny was afraid of catching the virus (in Idaho) which left her with only one option to meet her Asian prince. Since Johnny would be quarantining in Dubai (which he felt was less Covidy), she figured she could fly there to meet him so they could finally be face to mask-covered face. Of course the expense was a lot on a ranch-hand salary, so Ella not only wanted her parents’ emotional support, but also financial. Though her rough and tumble mother worried for her daughter’s safety, she agreed to help Ella out if need be. (Sidenote: We already know this isn’t going to happen. Can we just take a tour of Idaho? I,like a lot of other people, have no idea what happens there beyond potatoes, and it looks surprisingly beautiful. Can’t Ella call Johnny from a scenic location or visit something on the “Roadside America” website?! I need a largest ball of twine, or me no accept this).

Gino & Jasmine:

After all of the drama, Gino and Jasmine were trying to put the paint swatches behind them as they headed out on their tropical getaway to San Jose Island. At the Panamanian airport, Gino was required by security to remove his hat (Not for security reasons, but just so we could all see what the hell was under there). Noting how uncomfortable this made him, Jasmine stood on the sidelines, cackling, as she reassured him that he looked like Bruce Willis’s awkward Italian stunt double with a case of the giggles. The couple boarded their puddle jumper plane with a chorus of nervous hyena laughter, while the poor pilot contemplated making an emergency landing.
The island was breathtaking (despite the fact that it was once used for testing chemical weapons and has a few live bombs still buried around somewhere). The beautiful yet dangerous location seemed like the perfect metaphor for Gino and Jasmine, who had already been through so many struggles in their short time together. Jasmine cried tears of happiness, taking in the scenery and realizing that despite her multiple personalities and bout with the male stripper, Gino stood by her side faithfully.

The next morning the couple took a leisurely stroll to have drinks overlooking the hazardous paradise. Jasmine was uncharacteristically calm, as she casually mentioned that she was contacted on social media the night before by one of Gino’s exes. This mystery woman mentioned that she and Gino had been texting, and he even mentioned meeting Jasmine. Figuring that this ex girlfriend was just jealous, she wrote the message off and blocked her from any further contact. Though Jasmine’s initial instinct was to locate one of the bombs to detonate the island in a fit of rage, she remained eerily calm during this discovery phase. She claimed to trust Gino, and gave him a chance to come up with an explanation. Gino made a lot of awkward Gino faces before he finally admitted to having texted with this woman only a few days prior, but only to let her know he had met the woman of his dreams (as one does). Jasmine still remained calm (which was somehow more terrifying than her Exorcist outbursts), though she started to rile up slowly, as she could tell Gino was lying. She decided to unblock this mystery woman to get some real answers, making no promises to control herself after that.
Previews for next week show San Jose becoming more explosive than ever!

CowLobe & Alina:

A topless Caleb in yet another pair of LulaRoe leggings, sat across the room questioning his little miss about the fact that she kept her ex boyfriend a secret. It seemed like the perfect excuse to seamlessly slink away from the situation with another notch in his belt (or in this case, a notch on the comfortably lined elastic waistband). Alina tried to explain her hesitancy in telling Kowlub about the boyfriend, since she was excited to finally be meeting after 13 YEARS and didn’t want anything to stand in the way. He eventually forgave her and moved on, because it was all stupid anyway.
Next it was finally time for Elijah to roll out of town and back to Mother Russia, with his tiny suitcase containing many fierce outfits. He chose to make a bold exit (we should expect nothing less), by telling Crableg to make sure he and his MiniMe figure out where they stand before the trip is over. His final parting words were “Don’t be a yam” (which only made sense to Kimbally, who was still flopping around somewhere in her heart pajamas).
Now that Elijah popped out of the Turkey, Cowlube and Alina had some time alone together to hit up a Turkish bathhouse (they must’ve gotten a Groupon, and all Russian Alina’s are free on Sundays). They seemed to have a great time getting rinsed, lathered and repeated by the staff, while Caleb pretended to meditate and mansplain why this was some cathartic experience. 
Back at the apartment they were out on the veranda enjoying some tea time as they discussed their relationship status. CayShlub decided he “saw value” in he and Alina’s relationship, and would like to pursue a long distance relationship afterwards, though he remained vague on whether or not he would like to stop at 100 ½ women on his scorecard.

Mike & He-man:

Despite the gastrointestinal setbacks, Mike seemed to be really embracing Colombian culture by sporting a traditional Colombian cowboy hat (he needed the height). He and Xmen were heading home after a winded weekend getaway in Salento, and back to the old casa and Harold Steven (That’s “Harold…Steven”, Kenny).

On the cab ride home, Mike was feeling a bit clogged from the altitude, and used a Colombian Kleenex to really go to town cleaning out his schnoz. He then placed the overworked tissue into the cab driver’s back seat pocket, making Xmen cringe. Ms. Manners struck again, correcting his behavior by handing him a book she wrote called “What to Expect When You’re Expectorating”. She was mostly afraid that Mr.Bungle would bring down her Uber rating, and made sure to ask the driver for the proper tissue receptacle. Worried that this would be yet another strike against him, Mike decided to pull out the old “ADHD” card, explaining that his attention deficit issues make it hard to remember to put his snotty tissues back into his pockets or Wanna ride bikes? (Sorry, I have ADD too…)

Back at the casa, Pigpen worked overtime to try and redeem himself from the congested cab ride and win over his cartel cutie. He made a delicioso dinner of noodles in cheese sauce for the entire family to enjoy (though he forgot to wash his hands before cooking it… damn that ADHD!). After a quick taste test, Xmen (who aside from her career as a nail technician was also a food critic) took one bite and immediately labeled it a culinary disaster. Apparently the noodles were undercooked, which couldn’t be hidden by the powdered cheese sauce, and she feared consumption would be a one way ticket to getting diarrhea (though Mother Summit says if she only has one diarrhea, she still has to go about her day sniffing Mike’s farts. You’re only off the hook after 6 or more cases.)
The next morning, a nervous Mike (who presumably had less than or equal to one diarrhea, that he probably forgot to flush) met up with Father XMen to discuss the future. He started out by telling dear old dad that he really “te amo-ed” Xmen, and would like to ask for her manicured hand in marriage. Though FatherX had his reservations about the union (especially since the couple can’t understand each other), he said “Si”, as long as Mike promised to give his grandchildren “the best of the best” (Hey, couldn’t be worse than the prisoner, the hit-it-and-quit-it, or hitman….). Mike felt relieved after the positive outcome of the conversation (but hopefully not relaxed, one wrong toot and the deal could be off). 
He then went back to the house where he took a stroll to the park with both Juan and Harold Steven to get their take on the idea of becoming a familia. He started by asking if they knew what matrimonio was (that’s marriage, Kenny), which sent Harold Steven heading for the hills (Unsure if he was scared of the idea of marriage, or if Mike ripped a big one). Juan, on the other hand, seemed sweetly excited by the thought of Mike becoming his dad, since he candidly expressed that he didn’t have one (okay, I’ll admit… that melted ny cold black heart…). The kids were fairly easy to win over, but now it was time for the hard sell.
Back at the house, Ximena was adjusting her two toned eyeshadow and putting on a sequined dress in preparation for a special dinner Mike had planned for her and the whole familia. He had told He-man and the crew to meet him at a fancy restaurant, where he would be waiting (allowing time to air himself out before the main event).

Father and Stepmother Xmen brought up the possibility of a proposal, which seemed to be a mixed bag for the Colombian Emily Post. Her family tried to remind her that Mike was her one way ticket out of the #thuglife, and not to screw things up for the sake of a chance of a better life for Juan David and a future bar mitzvah for Harold….Steven. Stepmother Xmen reminded her of all of the financial support Mike has been providing, and how it is more important than his bad habits and physical turn-offs. Then she told her favorite joke:
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Wanna ride bikes?!
(It’s funnier in Espanol, Kenny….)