Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5, EP 6

Memphis & Hazmat:

Back in Tunisia…. 
Memphis and Hamza were out and about, having a nice time around town when she announced she was “sliding into third”. She let Hazmat know she had to “poop”, while the camera crew diligently filmed the bathroom door, making sure to enhance any sound effects. While Memphis was taking care of business, Hamza checked on her by calling out “Are you done? Good job! Sexy time!” loudly in the cafe. A bit later Memphis emerged, clutching her guts and proclaimed in her best caveman vernacular “Me done”. I suppose her body is still adjusting to the Tunisian cuisine…
Hamza ordered the couple a little post-potty orange juice, as they sat down to discuss their pasts. Even though the two were slated to be married in a week, it seemed that Memphis never disclosed any information about her family and childhood, which were not so maach sexy. Hamza was surprised and empathetic to hear that both of Memphis’s parents had struggled with drugs and had been incarcerated. She seemed to appreciate his look of concern (which was really just confusion). Sexy!

Later on back at Casa de Hamza (that’s Hamsa’s place, Kenny), Memphis was chatting with Sister Hamza, who accidentally revealed that her brother was only 26 years old, instead of 28, like he had told Big Boobies Memphis. When confronted about the lie, Hamza initially tried to lie further, pretending he had told her about his age, before finally admitting he had been caught. Memphis walked off into the bedroom to cry, unsure if she could trust Greased Lightnin’, (and upset that he was too young to even understand that reference). 
Hamza explained that he had lied about his age to appear more mature so he could continue to be granted access to the online sexy shower shows. Memphis now questioned if everything he had told her was a lie, and recruited Sister Hazmat to help her fact check. She demanded to see Hamsa’s diploma (since he had told her he was certified in the heating and cooling sector). He pulled out his certificate (rather quickly, you know him….) which was of course in Arabic, so it may as well have been a “perfect attendance” award from high school, as far as Memphis could tell. The breach in trust was really weighing heavy on Memphis, as she now questioned if marrying a foreign youngster was one of her better ideas….Me done.

Ben & Mahogany:

Pastor Ben is a 52 year old guy with abs from Michigan (our third Michigani of the season). He enjoys working out, and even scored a few “old dude with abs” modeling gigs, which I’m sure he likes to talk about ad nauseum. Ben explained his upbringing in a fringe religious group, which led him to become a pastor and marry one of the church ladies (who in the photos shown looked old enough to be his mother). The two had 4 kids together before he discovered his abs, and that he was probably attractive enough to upgrade, but feared a divorce would mean living in an eternal lake of fire. Though they went to marriage counseling to try and salvage their family, Ben and his church wife couldn’t seem to fix their issues. Ben put on his fire repellent floaties and filed for divorce (My best guess is that Ben had a “wandering eye”….in more ways than just one).
After a few failed attempts on ChristianMingle, he branched out to an international dating site where he met a 24 year old woman named “Mahogany” from Peru. He claimed that the two connected spiritually, as well as emotionally, and he of course fell in love with her beautifully filtered photo. 
Ben met up with a few of his friends to discuss his upcoming trip to Peru to meet this mystery woman. Of course his friends were skeptical, especially once they saw the altered photos and learned that Mahogany was “too shy” for video chat (Ben, this is like Catfish 101….how many seasons has the show been on now?! Come on!). He was slightly concerned that Mahogany was too good to be true, especially since he admitted to the cameras that he had previously been catfished by a man in Nigeria, claiming to go “der” for him. Things were even more precarious when Ben mentioned he had given Mahogany “a loan” for $1000, which he wrote off as a small price to pay for true love.

Back at his house, Pastor Ben was brushing up on his Espanol in preparation for his big trip to Peru, which was coming up quickly (Hamsa style). Since he was so sure of his relationship with Mahogany, he felt it was important to invite his kids and ex wife over to fill them in, using the guise of a cookout. They all sat down at the table, as Ben started to open up about the newest Nigerian scam he had gotten himself into. Though his ex wife is rather cold towards him, Ben felt it was important for her to be there, since he was theoretically bringing a new person into their children’s lives. He started the conversation by saying he had fallen in love with a 24 year woman from Peru who he was about to meet for the first time, and ultimately planned to marry. His ex wife’s frizzy gray hairs stood up straight when Ben mentioned his online girlfriend’s age, and his kids just blinked slowly over their salads. Ex-wife Ben brought up his last failed relationship (where he was engaged to a 28 year old), reminding him just how badly that had ended. Ben’s kids weren’t buying this story, especially once they saw the super filtered fake photo their father had fallen in love with. Feeling like no one was on his team, Ben decided to blame God for sending him down this path to Peru, instead of his mid life crisis.
Previews for next week show trouble in paradise as Ben is heading off to Peru…I’m sensing a Caesar/Maria, David/Lana crossover. 

Kahlub & Alina:

This week’s segment was a bit short.
The couple woke up, all smiles after an awkward romp in the hay. Alina admitted that things weren’t all smooth sailing, as this was Kahlub’s first time sexing a little person (though he assured everyone that he excels in other categories of sexing..don’t you worry). Caleb tried his best to explain their night together by over analyzing the logistics of it all, in the most vague and roundabout way, while also making hand gestures and explaining laws of physics. 

They later met back up with Elijah and his squints of judgment, to walk around a local Turkish marketplace. Though it was fun to experience the sights and sounds of Turkey, Elijah was more interested in getting Turkish tea….with a side of tea. He and Alina sent Cahlub off to look for new hacky sacks, so he could get some alone time for girltalk over a cup of actual tea. Alina happily told her BFF that she took a ride on Kahlub’s “disco stick”, as the two smirked and did their best friend version of a high five. Though Alina seems to really like her sock-headed American, she admits that she has no idea where things are going after the trip. Elijah encouraged her to tell Cowlewb how she was feeling, as well as let him in on the fact that she had actually just gotten out of a very serious relationship (which she apparently never told him about). This segment was shorter than Hamza sexy time. 

Mike & X-men:

The couple finally had a little alone time, and decided to trespass on the private property of Juan Valdez. As they strolled through the coffee bean fields (roll that beautiful bean footage), Mike mentioned (via translator device) that he was still upset that X Men had chosen not to disclose the fact that she couldn’t have any more children, especially since she knew it was so important to him. She put on her best sad puppy dog face as she explained the difficulties of pregnancy/childbirth, and the fact that she was never selected to be on Teen Mom Colombia. She also mentioned that she had lost her faith in men, and questioned how many more children she may have had, if not for her procedure (because prison flings are far too tempting. I guess since the Teen Mom gig didn’t work out, she was trying to be on Love After Lockup). Though Mike was disappointed that his beloved Xmen wouldn’t be able to bear the fruit of his looms, he decided he could be a father figure to Juan and Harold Steven (Harold….Steven…) all the same. (But honestly, I think with a name like Harold Steven he’d fit in better at Temple Beth Torah than with the cartel). 
The couple went back to the casa to gather their things and say goodbye to los niños as they headed out for a romantic getaway to the colorful town of Salento. The backdrop of the Colombian mountainside was absolutely beautiful, as the two settled into their romantic cabin for dos. The camera crew lingered around once again, lurking, as the couple made out on the bed. Mike felt so relaxed that he accidentally killed the mood by “cutting the queso” quite loudly (that’s farted, Kenny). X Men giggled uncomfortably as Mike whispered a reassuring “te amo” in her ear, trying to salvage the makeout session (I blame the arroz con frijoles…that’s rice and beans, Kenny and they are a magical fruit). 

After they were gone with the wind, they took a walk out to the hotel’s jacuzzi, where Mike was paid $25 to make the bubbles. He thought hot tub time was the best time for the couple to discuss their past lives, and started by asking X-ray about her baby daddies (aka Harold Señor). She explained that both dads were a one time thing, and most of her dating history had consisted of abusive and aggressive men. Her last serious relationship was with a guy who she believed to be a tattoo artist, but upon cohabitation, realized he was moonlighting as a sicario (that’s hitman Kenny, and yes you should  be scared). After making this alarming discovery, she promptly moved out, but was sent threatening voicemails that she turned over to the police. Though she thinks the hitman is a dead issue, it seemed to be a bit too much for Mike who looked extremely nervous (as the jacuzzi “jets” bubbled overtime). Mike questioned if this was all too much to take in, and reconsidered his subscription to J-date.

Gino & Jasmine:

Jasno were trying to move forward after the disappointing Christmas situation last week by heading to the gym. Though Jasmine is somewhat of a gym rat, Gino looked a bit lost, making sure to ask her a lot of questions, breaking her deep concentration. Sensing Gino’s remorse, she decided to take advantage of his moment of weakness by letting him know she had booked a getaway to a romantic island. Of course this romantic getaway (which would be a nice break from the getaway they were already on) was going to set unemployed Gino back about $2500.
For the sake of peace, Gino agreed to the vacation within the vacation.
Since she was on a winning streak, Jasmine decided to up the ante by mentioning she would be the happiest of all of her personalities if Gino got rid of everything in his house and repainted the walls, since it reminded her of his ex wife. Gino walked right into Jasmine’s trap, when he admitted that he didn’t mind the paint colors that he jointly picked out with his old ball and chain. Of course this made Jasmine’s head spin a full 360 degrees, pea soup coming out of her mouth, and we’re going to need an old priest and a young priest (anyone but Pastor Ben, since he’s old but thinks he’s young. Too mach confusing.) She stormed out of the gym, SCREAMING over the Sherwin-Williams shit-show, and cried inconsolably. 
Gino just stood there, stunned, recognizing that this behavior (in conjunction with all of the other outbursts) was not normal, but he chalked it up to Jasmine being overly sensitive. He nervously shuffled back to the hotel room, where Jasmine had locked herself in the bathroom for about the fourth time now. She screamed at Gino through tears, telling him he was stuck in his past, and should forget any future plans the two had made together (which would be hard for her to do, since she had “Gino and Jasmine” tattooed on her arm. Commitment or Committable? You be the judge…)

Wanting to end the confusing and horrifying argument, Gino apologized for his Glidden gaff, and said he wanted to move forward. Jasmine took this moment of upper hand to confess that she had been lying and taking birth control pills, instead of trying to pop out Gino’s heir (who they should probably name Benjamin Moore). Afraid of another mood swing, he forgave her for the betrayal, and it seems as though they have made up for the time being (I’m thinking Gino may need Ximena’s old boyfriend on speed dial if he ever needs to leave…)

Kimbally & ISS (International Supastar Sojaboy):

Kimbally woke up and sorted through her wardrobe of Sojaboy t-shirts to pick out just the right one to wear on the set of the infamous video shoot. Her main role was to be Usman’s personal hype woman, making sure to keep spirits high and bring out her inner dance mom. Unfortunately her mood was immediately soured when she saw how unorganized Usman’s “team” were. The only thing they seemed to coordinate properly were their own matching t-shirts, which read “USB” (presumably standing for “Usman SojaBoy ” unless they all happened to be really into wireless connectivity). After spritzing herself with enough Bath & Bodyworks spray to ward off any bad energy, she set out to meet Sojaboy to head to the location.
The (local) “talent” was getting ready at a hotel by the beach, where a private barber was brought in to give the international supastar a fresh cut. Unfortunately after trimming up only one side of his head, the power went out, making this haircut only 55% good (It’s refreshing for us commoners to see how the “other half” live, and that even though they are celebrities, they still can get bad haircuts just like you and me). Kimbally channeled her inner Zied, saying “Me no accept this”, and found a way to solve the electrical issue, keeping team USB on their toes.