Before the 90 Days; Season 5 Episode 5

Memphis & Hazmat:

This week showed the aftermath of the Haram from last week, with a frazzled Mother Hazmat pacing in her kitchen. Hamza did his best to asure Memphis that his mom is on board with pre marital sexy time, but Memphis is still nervous that she has made a bad first impression, begging him to go smooth things over. Hamza went into the kitchen area where his mother was sitting on a plastic lawn chair, which works for both indoors and outdoors. Mother Hazmat reminded her son with the good hair that he had promised to do things the “traditional” way, before asking him outright if he had partaken in “sexy time”. Of course Hamza lied to dear old mom, claiming that no sexy time (or “jiggy jiggy”, as they refer to it in Qatar) had taken place, and that everyone should just be happy. Though she obviously knew he was lying, she almost believed him, since she only remembered hearing noises coming from the room for approximately 2 minutes before it went quiet……

After the morning awkwardness, Memphis and Hamza decided to go sightseeing around Tunisia, making sure to stop in front of every mosque and commit “light” acts of haram by taking kissing selfies. They sat down at a local cafe to re-hashish the previous romantic evening. Memphis tried to be clever when asking Hamza why he chose to make their first bout of sexy time a sprint instead of a marathon. His only response was “I am sexy baby” (a phrase he had heard from Austin Powers, which was just released this year in Blockbuster Tunisia). Feeling very displeased by his sexual prowess, Memphis flat out asked him why he was “gone in 60 seconds”. Hazmat confessed that he was a little bit too maaach excited by Big Boobies Memphis so beautiful so mach, that he couldn’t help himself. She further inquired about his  past sexy time relations (filed under “Things that should have been discussed a long time ago”), and how many big boobied girls had come before her. Apparently Memphis was number 5 on his list (that’s quatro, Kenny…. Not that we needed Spanish for this one, but I’m still under contract), and she worried about his sexy time expertise. 

Back at the house, there were erotic noises coming from the kitchen (if the plastic chairs are a rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’!). But alas, the noises lasted for more than 3 minutes so the cameramen thought it was safe to say nothing remotely sexy was taking place. Mother Hazmat was teaching Memphis how to descale and cook fish Tunisian-style, so she will be able to feed her future husband. Though Memphis was grossed out, she helped prepare the meal, while making noises and communicating in caveman speak to try and make the language barrier less awkward. The ladies sat down to present the dinner to The Flash, who also pretended to make yummy noises, which they should have paired with a glass of Minute-maid orange juice. Or NesQuick…..
Mother Hamsa took the time to reiterate the house rules and make sure everyone was on the same page with the sleeping arrangements, while both parties pretended to agree. She then went on to ask about Memphis’s previous relationships, questioning the reasoning behind her divorce. She fears that Memphis will get tired of her son and leave him stranded in America, working at a T Mobile kiosk (since we now know that becoming Hamza Bigelow; Male Gigolo is now out of the question. Which also just came out in Blockbuster Tunisia). Of course Memphis found this offensive, citing that Mother Hamza is also a divorcee, and should understand that sometimes things just don’t work out. I am ending this segment abruptly, because it is just too sexy. 

Caleb & Alina:

It was the morning after the big kiss, and everyone was excited to hear if Caleb had gotten a little piece of action. Caleb felt like the post dinner kiss was his big romantic gesture, and he’s taking things very slowly in the realm of intimacy (He’s still planning, logistically, how to make things happen, and unfortunately left his protractor at home). Alina seemed eager to consummate their 13 YEAR online friendship (feeling her inner Dinyell screaming “I want my secks tonight!!) but understood that she needed to let Kabob take his time.

Since working out seems to be a big part of his life, Caleb wanted to spend some time in the Turkey gym. He toted Alina downstairs as a pre-workout, so the two could get pumped up. Luckily for Alinaa, Kahlub had a lot of experience in making man buns so he was able to help her make a ponytail so she could begin her forced workout routine. He gave her some small weights, made her walk on the treadmill, and even had her do sit ups (all while Elijah watched on the hotel’s security camera from the front office, slowly sipping his tea and squinting in disapproval). There seemed to be more flirtation going on in the gym as opposed to actual exercise, as Kahlub explained that he appreciated Alina’s willingness to try new things.

Later that night, they went to meet Alina’s friend Maria for dinner without Elijah, since his judgement was making everyone uncomfortable. Kahlub decided to wear a floral/checkered button down shirt, with his hair tied back in a low ponytail like one of the founding fathers. As they dined, Maria grilled Kahlub about his future intentions with Alina, hoping he planned to get serious beyond having a little tiny Turkish delight. Of course Caleb deflected, along with tossing out his loosey goosey philosophy on being tied down and living in the moment (when he should have just pulled a Sojaboy and called Alina his “potential”). 

After the dinner, the two headed back home, with Caleb hailing a cab and offering to “toss” Alina in like a nerf ball. They seemed to be getting a little closer since the big kissing scene, as they playfully poked at each other on the ride home. Back at the hotel, Kahlub carried Alina up the stairs like he was taking a trash can to the curb, holding her in front yet away from his body. Once they reached the room, the lights dimmed, the candles went on, and the camera man cued Marvin Gaye. The two rolled around in bed, making slurping noises as they kissed, and presumably started a new workout routine (causing google search results for “doing it with a little person” to go through the roof). Alexa is tired of answering your questions….

Gino & Jasmine:

Gino and Jasmine were perfecting their oral hygiene thanks to Gino’s practical yet thoughtful gift of the electric toothbrush. The two set off for an “ambush Gino makeover”, hitting up the mall so Jasmine could help Gino improve his style. Clearly he’ more of an accessories guy, only focussing on which hat he wears, overlooking the rest of his ensemble. His basketball shorts and Jerusalem cruiser sandals were not doing it for Jasmine, so she decided to play dress up. Jasmine found a few things, making Gino put on a fashion show in the fitting room, as she collected all of the approved outfits and made her way to the register. When it came time to see the $500 total, Gino almost fell over, firmly telling his personal stylist that he was not in the position to spend so maaach money on clothes. Jasmine felt completely embarrassed as she made up an excuse to the store clerk and the couple quickly left (they should’ve called “Panamanian Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”… Gino would look great in a blazer, t-shirt, and jeans distressed by a cheese grater). 
Later that day, they headed out to a restaurant to meet up with Jasmine’s friend and hairstylist, Leo (PLEASE let Leo get the scoop on what’s under the hat. If anyone can do it, it would be a fellow hairstylist…). Jasmine was disappointed that Gino wore his basketball shorts and Birkenstocks to the meetup, hoping he would have had his “Pretty Woman” shopping moment. 
As they sat down at the table, Jasmine and Leo began speaking excitedly to each other in Espanol (way too fast for Kenny), discussing Gino and the trip thus far. Jasmine claimed to be very happy, mostly because Gino seemed very obedient. Gino wanted to get the intel on Jasmine the Panamaniac, inquiring if she was always this crazy. Leo admitted that she does have a bit of a temper, though he downplayed her outbursts, chalking them up to “quick little tantrums” (I guess he wanted to keep her as a client…)
Though Gino could see the field of red flags waving brightly, he claimed to be enjoying Jasmine’s company and still planned on proposing (though he may want to use a mood ring).
Next we saw the couple wake up together on Christmas morning, all smiles. Though we saw Gino’s cooking capabilities limited to the frozen sector, he claimed he can actually whip up a mean breakfast. Jasmine reminded Gino that she was a vegan, as he completely ignored her and continued to happily make his scrambled eggs (He really should have changed into a chef’s hat for this. It could have been a whole new look. I could just picture him wearing all different hats for each occasion, like Paul Newman on the salad dressing). Jasmine had almost given up explaining the concept of her diet, especially since another one of her personalities was ready to exchange Christmas presents. 
She presented Gino with her handmade gifts; His/hers matching shirts “I’m with my crazy Panamanian girlfriend” and “I AM the crazy Panamanian Girlfriend”. Gino seemed touched by the thoughtful and accurate presents, as Jasmine waited excitedly for hers. Apparently the electric toothbrush was more of a “nice to meet you”/Christmas/birthday/Kwanza/Flag Day gift, all rolled into one. Of course this was super upsetting to Jasmine, who hid in the bathroom for a little while, before emerging and starting some kind of illogical fight about Gino’s ex wife out of left field. Gino instantly regretted not buying the shirt in the souvenir shop that read “I went to Panama and all I got was an overly jealous Sybil who will most likely play Panamanian ‘Misery’ with me. If you can read this, send help”. But he didn’t want to spend the money on it…

Mike & Ximena:

Mike and X-men woke up on their first morning together, all smiles after their first intimate encounter. Mike described the momentous occasion as “the best moment of his life” (that’s what Hamza said), complementing his future fiance by saying she really “knocked it out of the park”. Ximena, on the other hand, felt it was a pretty average Tuesday, definitely not as thrilling as prison yard sexy time. She planned to take Mike to see a bit more of Columbia, but decided to invite her entire family along to chaperone. Of course the language barrier seemed to be making things even more difficult for the couple, let alone their lack of privacy. As they rode through the Colombian countryside, the kids were excited to see the “vacas” (That’s Cow, Kenny) as Unckie Mike taught them all the English translation, which was hysterically funny for some reason. If they run out of WIFI again (and can’t get a hold of Alina), at least they can all now say cow…
They finally reached their destination, the Hot Springs of Santa Rosa. The spa was set in the rainforest of Colombia, with  beautiful waterfalls and murky pools (Sure to make Pol break out his protective sheath). Ximena clung to Mike, passionately kissing him in the water as her family looked on from 8 feet away. Though it was a bit awkward not having privacy in this romantic setting, Mike and his hairy back were still excited to be with his lovely leech. 
Xmen took a break from overdoing the affection with Mike to talk to her sister, confessing that she was worried about telling Mikey Warbucks her big secret; She’s unable to have children. (I just thought she was unable to name more children, because Harold Steven….)
Xmen explained that she had undergone dos C-sections (performed by a member of MS13), which were horribly painful, causing her to make the decision to have her tubes tied. Because she had her procedure done at the prison (it’s kind of like an all in one supercenter over there), they don’t just “tie” the tubes, they hack them with machetes and burn the ends with the local gang affiliation branding of your choosing.
She decided to tell Mike about her lack of reproductive capabilities over a romantic poolside dinner. Though Mike was disappointed, he explained that there are other options in this day and age (and I’m sure at the prison they could find someone to smuggle in an egg to tote). Crossing my fingers that Mike makes it out of Colombia without a ransom. I would hate for his father to have to hock his collectible mug collection to get him back. 

Johnny & Ella:

Johnny and his adorable kidneyStony headed off to the local park to go fishing. Stony (who proclaimed his love for ice cream) lives with Johnny’s parents while his dad is busy working to support the entire family. Stony had met Ella through video chat and the two seem to get along well (since she also loves ice cream). Back at home, the parents Johnny were preparing dumplings and other Chinese delicacies. Mother Johnny teased her son about the food in America, and how he should forget about the ranch life and find a nice Chinese girl to settle down with. Of course because of China’s previous “one child per household” rule in favor of boys, Johnny explains that it’s slim pickings in the far east, and going west is the only way. He cited another perk of having a foreign girlfriend was the inability of his mother to communicate with his future wife, since she seemed to scare off the last one. His mother tried one last guilt trip to derail his plans by reminding Johnny that he is the sole breadwinner of the family and they may all starve and be destitute without him….”But don’t worry about me, as long as you’re happy” (I had no idea they were Jewish….)

Ella was heading to the gym to meet with a trainer in hopes to lose 10 pounds before Johnny’s arrival. She is very concerned that Johnny is just being polite when he says he will love her exactly how she is, and presumably thinks losing 10 pounds would change that. While taking a break from getting pumped, she received a text from Johnny saying his visa was denied. Panic set in, as she frantically called him, trying to get to the bottom of the major set back.. On one hand, she’ll have more time to be shredding for the wedding. On the other hand, she’s short of a ranch hand. Hopefully they can figure things out, because I don’t want to have to watch her cry for the next 12 weeks. And someone give Stoney Cold Creamery his ice cream.