Before the 90 Days; S5, EP 4

Ella & Johnny:

Ella came back this week, ready to show us just how serious she is about her relationship. As a devout self proclaimed Wiccan of one year, she invited her coven over (which go by the name “The Sacred Journey”, not to be confused with regular “Journey”, though they do all appear to be “small town girls living in a lonely world”). The coven crew set up shop in Ella’s infamous front yard, filling it with tie dyed tapestries and candles from Spencer’s Gifts as they held hands to perform a love spell for Ella and Johnny (As a fellow fan of “The Craft”, I sat there wondering which one was the “Nancy” and how exactly “light as a feather, stiff as a board” was going to work).

Meanwhile back in Jinan, China… 
Johnny is zipping himself into a Hazmat suit that he purchased on Ebay from some lady in Wuhan who’s handle was “YummyBatSoup”. He explained his desire to stay healthy when he visits the U.S., all while strolling through China unmasked and fancy free. Noting the importance of one’s health, Johnny seemed to be on a mission to get Ella to lose weight. He went to see a Chinese medicine doctor to get some Chinese flat tummy tea, making sure to let the good doctor know that though Ella is large, she still has the “pretty face” factor. The doctor prescribed him a bunch of herbs to bring over (or maybe just the ingredients for a salad). She was not surprised by Ella’s weight issues, claiming that Americans are big because they eat dessert (Clearly the doctor wasn’t allowed to eat any fortune cookies as a kid, otherwise she might have gotten one that said “You will be on a show called 90 Day Fiancé, calling Americans fat, and your lucky lotto numbers are 6-7-29-0). 
Johnny headed out with his herbs to meet up with some other herbs; his guy friends. They all got together at a restaurant for a little unmasked manly tea party, where Johnny gushed about Ella and the “sparkle” they share in their relationship. Of course his heavy set friend (aptly named “Wang”, who was hogging all of the appetizers on the lazy Susan) had to be the first one to comment on Ella’s weight. Johnny defended his pretty-faced dessert-lover, who he wholeheartedly intends to marry. 
The next day (or later that night, if you’re in China), Ella video called Johnny for a little Cosplay sexy time in a blonde wig. Johnny was pleasantly surprised when he answered, and the two chatted flirtatiously before his tone got a bit more serious. He expressed his reservations about coming to the U.S. due to the pandemic, and his fear of being unable to get back to China to see his son rhineStoney. Ella’s heart sank at the thought that their plans may not work out, and it looks like there are more rocky roads ahead (Mmmmmm Rocky Road ice cream sounds good…I must be American…). 

Mike & Ximena

It’s finally the moment Mike has been dreaming of every night in his batman pajamas….. Time to finally meet Ximena! He exited the airport, nervously looking to see if his beneficiary would be waiting for him or if it would just be Nev and Max with some bad news… when there was Ximena, in all of her denim glory! The two hugged and even kissed while exchanging “holas” and “te amos” (which are basically their only mutually understood phrases). Ximena, knowing that Mike was short, made sure to wear her tallest spike heels, just to try and one-up Caleb when she remarked on camera “Wow, he’s shorter than I thought!”
The two had a thrilling conversation on the cab ride over to their lunch spot, which consisted mostly of Kenny-level Espanol (Sorry, Mike…I’m still on retainer as a translator for Kenny. I won’t be able to help you this season). They reached the outdoor restaurant for their long awaited first date. As they stirred their fruity beverages in sync, the newly formed couple exchanged flirtatious glances of confusion alongside their awkward silence. Unfortunately there was no Wifi signal at the restaurant, leaving Mike unable to use his phone to translate. There were a lot of “te amo”’s along with “yo quiero taco bells”, which is all Mike seemed to remember from Spanish class. 
After lunch they headed back to Ximena’s apartamento where her entire family was awkwardly shoved onto the pink couch with most of them exposing their belly buttons. 
Mike had felt overwhelmed from traveling all day, but now had to struggle through meeting the entire familia. Luckily he was able to borrow Jihoon’s translator device, which allowed him to tell the whole fambam “Hello, nice to meet the entire cartel” (Can you believe the app actually worked this time??). Feeling a bit embarrassed, Mike mostly looked at the floor, turning a bright shade of red (like my makeup bag), with Sister Ximena noting he looked like a tomate (That’s tomato, Kenny.)
Father Ximena did however express some concern about the relationship, since the two could barely understand each other. He just wanted to make sure that Mike would be good enough for his daughter, or at least as good as “guy who knocked up a 14 year old” and “inmate who knocked her up on a conjugal”.
Mike seemed excited to meet and embrace Ximena’s kids, quickly telling them “te amo” and busting out the bag of presents (If only the lady from the toy store could see him now!)
Since the word on the street is that Americans love dessert, the Family Ximena made sure to be prepared with some sweet corn cakes and “peasant cheese” (They used to work at the Peasant Cheesecake Factory, but it closed down after it was robbed by Ximena’s second baby daddy and his crew, notoriously known around the Colombian prison system as “The Peasant Cheesecake Banditos”). Here’s to hoping Mike’s lactose intolerance doesn’t kick in! (But if it does, Mother Summit says he still has to go about his day unless it’s 6 times).
Realizing that Mike might be a bit tired, X-men finally ushered out her familia so she, Mike and the kids could play “casa”. Later that night, they tried to put the kids to bed so they could have their first night alone together. Nine year old Juan went right to sleep, while Harold Steven (Harold? Steven?) gave the couple a run for their pesos. After trying to get him to sleep, they left him alone so they could have “sexy time”, only to be interrupted by his cries. 

Looks like next week Ximena will be revealing a “secret” to Mike, which hopefully doesn’t involve cartels or human trafficking. Why do I feel like it involves one or both….and why am I suddenly in the mood for cheesecake? 

Caleb & Alina

It was the morning after Caleb’s big arrival, and we saw him enter the hotel room topless while bringing a scantily clad Alina Turkish Coffee in bed. Alina seemed slightly disappointed that she didn’t get a piece of the Geico Caveman on the first night, and didn’t hesitate in telling him. He tried to assure her that he was just getting adjusted to some “small” details, and was jetlagged, bringing her into his hairy armpit for a swampy cuddle of reassurance.
Caleb took the opportunity to give Alina one of the special gifts he had brought her after their 13 years of friendship (Did you hear that? They were friends for 13 years. Which means, they talked for 13 years. Their friendship had it’s bat mitzvah). The first gift was a necklace made out of the elusive rogue tumbleweeds of Arizona. Alina heckled him about the gift as he placed it around her neck (hey, at least it wasn’t an electric toothbrush….or pregnancy test), not even realizing that there was an even better surprise behind door number two…

Caleb, who fancies himself as being very active and in tune with the outdoors realized that he may not get to experience the hiking scene in Turkey, since Alina would need her wheelchair. He also thought a nice European Male Carry-All would look great with all of his tight-pants/sockhead outfits so he googled “How to hike with my little friend of 13 years” and found the perfect “Big Ed/Teddy” inspired accessory. Caleb figured by wearing Alina in a backpack, he could make her more portable as well as get in a little extra cardio. He explained his thought process to Alina, as he demonstrated by putting on the human backpack, all while wearing some LulaRoe pastel watercolor print leggings.  Alina explained that while she could see how the idea of wearing her like an infant could be demeaning, she appreciated that Kah-lub was trying to include her  (or give her massive atomic wedgies, I can’t even imagine…). Here’s to hoping he wears her at least once, while saying “mini me, you complete me”. 

After that mess, they headed downstairs where they came across Elijah sitting cross-legged, channeling his inner “Devil Wears Prada”, slowly sipping his tea of judgement. Caleb tried to break the ice by letting Elijah know that he looked “stunning”, though the flattery got him nowhere. Elijah dug right in, making sure to ask all of the juicy details about the couple’s first meeting, disappointed by the lack thereof. Elijah was being way overprotective of his fierce little queen, making things very awkward for Kah-lub. 

As they started their sightseeing adventures for the day, Elijah coached Caleb on how to properly assist Alina on the streets of Turkey, which did not seem to be the most handicap-friendly. From under his sock hat, swoopy scarf, and large glasses (that I’m 55% sure are purely for fashion), Caleb seemed annoyed by the tag along diva. The three went out for dinner, where the conversation was as tense, awkward and rehearsed as the rest of the day had been. Elijah criticized Kah-lub’s every move at the dinner table, blaming his lack of manners on him being an American (Just wait until he tries to order dessert!) Caleb managed to breeze through the tag team interrogating him about his past relationships and dating life (though you would have thought he and Alina would have discussed it, being that they were friends for 13 YEARS!). He claimed to be focused on Alina at the moment, since his dating philosophy seems to be “love the one you’re with”. As Elijah shot daggers from his beady little eyes, Kah-lub decided to put Alina on the hot booster seat, asking her about her last serious relationship. She seemed reluctant to discuss her messy breakup with her ex boyfriend, and admitted to the cameras that she had been living with him until recently (and conveniently forgot to mention it to Caleb). As the dinner was winding down, Kah-lub tried to convince Elijah to hit the bricks, so he and his longtime “best friend” Alina could have some one-on one time.
After they finished eating, Khalb rolled her home, where he carried her up the stairs, over the threshold and the two had their first kiss. Things seemed to escalate quickly from there, as he hoisted Alina onto the bed like a sockheaded Tarzan, ready to see if all of his research on logistics for this type of situation would come in handy. Looks like Kah-lub is going to get access to the free WIFI.
(I was going to order dessert but I’m all set). 

Brittany & Yazan:

Oops, I mean Memphis & Hazmat.

After the couple’s exciting meeting at the airport, they headed to Hazmat’s friend’s car to hitch a ride home. The conversation was pretty limited with the language barrier, but whatever, sexy times. The two hour journey home gave them plenty of time to get acquainted and compare lockscreen photos on their phones. Memphis had Hamza’s glamour shot posted front and center, which was something they had in common, being that he also had his own photo as his background. Memphis began to feel insecure, wondering if Hamza liked her now that they were in person, instead of just watching her on the sexytime videos wearing nothing but the shower cap. He reassured her that he was happy, and loved big boobies, as his driver/friend pretended not to listen from the front seat. Speaking of “sexy time”….Hamza had to come clean and let Memphis know that “ST” will have to wait for week two, as Mother Hazmat would not permit the unmarried couple to share a room before marriage. Of course this was devastating news to Memphis, who fantasized about sexy time in Hamza’s childhood bedroom with his Mariah Carey posters all over and his mother sleeping in the next room.  

After sooo maaaach travel, they finally arrived at Hamza’s 75 story walk up apartment where they were greeted by Sister and Mother Hamsa. Both ladies were excited to welcome Memphis to their home, though they mostly just giggled awkwardly due to the language barrier (but not in a Gino way).
Memphis was annoyed at the house rules, and suggested that the couple get a hotel room so they could indulge in a little premarital sexy time. For some reason, Hamza thought it would be better to just stay at the house, and assured her that he could sneak into the bedroom as soon as his mother fell asleep. The next morning, however, Hamza forgot to sneak back out of the room before his mother woke up, and she greeted a pajama-clad Memphis at the door (she definitely didn’t score any baklava points with that one!). Sooo. Maaaach. Harrrrram!!! Mother Hazmat raced from the door into the kitchen, pacing back and forth, probably wondering why the couple just didn’t get a hotel room….
From the preview for next week, it looks like the trouble they now caused wasn’t worth the 5 minutes of sexy time. Haram-tellin’ ya, this is not going to end well. (And now I’m in the mood for baklava)

Kimballlly & ISS (International Supastar Sojaboy):

Kimbally was utilizing the romantic bathtub in the honeymoon suite to soak her legs in ice water, since they’d been swelling from the long plane ride (she must have forgotten her custom Sojaboy printed compression socks at home). 

Usman and his guys (Badmoose and Slanty) sat by the location of the future video shoot to discuss the first meeting with Kimbally. Usman claimed to be “catching feelings” for the PS5, as well as the laptop, which is about 70% good. In an attempt to further the storyline, Usman’s manager let him know that he had set up a meeting between him and a beautiful young female local artist to “further his career” (aka, piss off Kimbally for our viewing pleasure). 
After putting on her face, Kim joined the guys at breakfast and seemed disappointed to find out that Usman was being set up on a pseudo date. Luckily, Sojaboy insisted that Kimbally tag along, and assured her that it was strictly business.
Kim was noticeably bothered as she sat at the restaurant, lips pursed, contemplating if she should have stayed at the hotel. Sojaboy unenthusiastically tried to reassure her that he wanted her there, as he scrolled through his SojaSingular One phone (He was secretly texting his PS5 “I miss you”). 
They were joined by “Rosa Ree”, a young, pretty, and very famous East African musical artist who loves a good punny name. Usman seemed borderline flirtatious, as he asked Ms.”Ree ” about helping him procure backup dancers for his upcoming music video, all while Kimbally stared angrily into the distance. RosaRee was a mensch, making sure to compliment Kim while including her in the conversation, and even trying to convince Usman to upgrade their relationship status from “Potential” to “Potential Wife”. The gesture really seemed to turn Kimbally’s mood around, though I hope she didn’t call the goat farm just yet. This still has the “potential” to be a disaster. Now I’m in the mood for a cannoli, because I’m a cannoli super-fan, and I’m not afraid to tell the world.

Gino & Jasmine:

Jasno woke up together in their premarital bed with big giggly smiles. Jasmine declared that Gino was a “Savage” in the bedroom, even without the help of his little blue friends (hope the walls were thick, the poor neighbors and all of the giggling…). They both seemed giddy about getting to see each other in their birthday suits, though Gino kept on one accessory- that damn hat. Apparently Gino only agreed to remove his security blanket in the cover of darkness (I hope Santa brought Jasmine some night vision goggles this year… Inquiring minds want to know what he’s hiding under there! I’m just guessing it’s some kind of giant prison tattoo….).
To get in the mood for his new surroundings, Gino (in the secrecy of a dark, windowless building) changed up his headwear game for vacation mode:“Panama Jack”.
The couple set out on their first full day together to do a little sightseeing, with Jasmine excited to play tour guide. They stopped into a souvenir shop to pick up a memento for Gino’s bachelor pad (which was pretty much just decorated with empty Hungry Man boxes). Jasmine picked out a souvenir, explaining that she would like to see Gino’s house decked out in a “Panama” theme, instead of the two “Brazil” chotchkas he had laying around from his “stupid” ex wife’s home country. Jasmine had turned into the Panamanian She-devil yet again, exposing her overwhelming jealousy. Gino seemed stunned by the sudden flip, and was quick to correct her by letting her know that his ex wife was not stupid (she just talked too much, and told someone what was underneath the hat, and now she’s sleeping with the fishes, because Gino the Cap doesn’t mess around……I really want him to be more Italian than he is….).

Jasmine wants them to both pretend they don’t have a past (kinda hard to do with two kids floating around), and should only concentrate on their future together. Fearing his Panamaniac, Gino decided not to tell her that he still communicates with one of his past girlfriends, probably scared that she would hulk out in the souvenir shop and break everything. (You break it, you bought it, and what are you going to do with 50 broken “Panama” shot glasses??? Awkwardly giggle, is the answer). 

Hats off to you, Gino, for dealing with all of the many sides of Jasmine. (But really, hats off, Gino. What are you hiding under there? Alina?? Or maybe another piece of cheesecake….)