Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5 EP 3

Ella & Johnny:

This week we got to meet our newest friend, Ella, from the great state of Idaho (the home of Napoleon Dynamite). Ella is a self proclaimed huge nerd with a passion for all things fantasy. She lives in a purple house, where she enjoys collecting dragon figurines and stabbing mannequins in her front yard with samurai swords (the neighbors must have some interesting Ring camera footage). Ella explained that her big obsession with escaping into a world of fantasy all stemmed from her big stature throughout her entire life. Her bruised self esteem longed for a way to fit in, and she found this outlet to be in cosplay and anime. Claiming to be somewhat of a Japanophile, Ella could only imagine her “Happily Ever After” fairytale prince would be from Mulan, rather than Cinderella, and was thrilled when she met Johnny. Ella found Prince Johnny on an Asian/American dating site, and felt like it was love at first….message, even though he was from China, instead of Japan (but like…Asian). 
When she isn’t dreaming of her Far East fellow, she’s out in the wild west, working on her family’s cattle ranch via horseback.  Her hope is that Johnny will come over on a 3 month Visa, spending that time to acclimate to #farmlife so they can get married and take over the family ranch together. She discussed her grand plan with her mother, who was a bit more skeptical, as she had seen her daughter have her heart broken before. She warned Ella to proceed with caution, and let Johnny get to know her while he was in town before planning matching outfits to the Renaissance Festival.
Later on, Ella went out for lunch with her two best girlfriends to discuss her online romance. She let the gals know all about Johnny’s plans to come visit for three months, and his promise to cook her healthy meals. She also told them about Johnny’s 5 year old son named “Stoney” who he will be leaving behind while he’s settling the wild west. Ella seemed excited at the prospect of becoming a stepmother (which I guess would make him a step-stoney). 

Just as everyone’s food arrived, Ella began to describe her online private life with her foreign beau, making sure to use hand gestures to describe Johnny’s appreciation for her largest attributes. Her friends warned her of jumping in too fast, as Ella had been involved previously with an Indian guy she had met on the internet, only to later find out his real name was Mike Jones and he was cheating on her with Jenny.
This story, though possibly starting to resemble some scenes from “Sixteen Candles”, has some major potential. Here’s hoping Johnny can make it to Idaho, where they will get married, and have “Glamour Shots by Deb” do their wedding photos. 

Caleb & Alina:

Alina waited nervously at the airport in her bedazzled face mask for Caleb to make his grand entrance (almost as nervous as I was last week watching her curl her hair with her flat iron. Can’t Elijah do that too!?)
Caleb made his awkward appearance (looking like Where’s Waldo going through a Morrissey phase), as he bent in half to greet his tiny dancer. He got down on his knees, which he explained was so they could talk “eye to eye”, and shook Alina’s hand. He made sure to let her know that she was even smaller than he thought she would be, which I’m sure was a dream come true.
The car ride back to the hotel seemed uncomfortable, as the two continued to note the size discrepancies while Caleb stared nervously out the window. It seemed pretty obvious that Caleb hadn’t really thought about all that would be involved in helping Alina, and rather chose to focus all of his insightful energy on the logistics of their romantic life instead. 

When they arrived at the hotel, Caleb was kind of hoping that Alina would act as some kind of adorable bellhop, and was shocked that she was unable to carry any more than her own purse. He didn’t realize the inconvenience the lack of elevator had caused until he had to haul both Alina and his luggage up the 2 ½ flights of stairs to their room. He did however put all of that protein to good use, carrying Alina as promised up the stairs, and placing her on the tall bed. The two seemed to have a flirtatious moment where it looked like they were going to have their first kiss, before Caleb chickened out, citing his hesitation as “not being in the right mental space” or having “drained energy” or some other excuse he pulled out from under the strategically placed sock on his head. He genuinely seemed overwhelmed by the entire situation, and is most likely going to disappoint Alina, but only after he puts a marker on his “sleeping with a Little Person” spot on his bingo card.

Geno & Jasmine:

The happy couple went to a restaurant to enjoy their first real date. Excited to taste some authentic Panama cuisine, Geno made sure to order a juicy hamburger with American cheese and french fries. Jasmine, being a vegan, just dealt with Geno’s carnivorous ways, as she sipped wine and ate her vegetable hot pocket or what not. During their meal, Jasmine received a message on her phone, which she very openly showed to Geno, explaining it was nothing more than a female friend saying “hola”. In the next breath, she asked Geno to show her his messages as well. This was Geno’s first taste of Jasmine’s in-person jealousy, which he was really hoping was just some missed form of sarcasm instead of a psychotic reality. When it was time for the check, Geno Warbucks picked up the tab, making sure to tip the waitress at least 15% since she had to suffer through all of the giggling. Jasmine did not appreciate his generosity towards another woman. She explained that most Panamaniacs don’t tip, so he’s essentially making them look bad, and then accused him of having a thing for the waitress. Of course the accusation seemed so outlandish that Geno assumed she was kidding, but Jasmine seems to be on a whole other level of Larissa that even she never attained. 
The dinner date ended on an uncomfortable note, as the two trekked back to their hotel room in silence, with Jasmine claiming to need some “space”. Geno wasn’t sure if the waitress incident  had ruined his chances of using his little blue pills, or if he should just take one incase one of Jasmine’s personalities changed their minds. Moments later, Jasmine emerged from the hotel bathroom in a blue-pill colored negligee, ready to see what was under Geno’s hat.
Geno seemed confused and uncomfortable, as he reluctantly hopped into bed, attempting a little “sexy” time wiithout his blue buddies. (Don’t worry, he kept the hat on for protection).

Kimbally & ISS (International Superstar Sojaboy):

Kim landed safely in Tanzania, which may as well have been heaven. She gathered her luggage and found the first eager cab driver to bring her to the hotel. Kim, who apparently is a Desert Storm veteran of the Army, made sure to keep her wits about her and stay safe by telling her stranger cabbie that she was traveling all alone to meet a foreign stranger. 
She reached the beautiful resort that Team Sojaboy had suggested, making sure to book herself the “honeymoon suite” (though she should have probably booked the “potential” honeymoon suite). The next day was finally time for Usman to arrive, and Kim was giddy with excitement. She pulled her hair tightly into a high half ponytail, and changed into a personalized Sojaboy t–shirt to head off to pick up the superstar from the airport (You know what they say…. You’re not supposed to wear the shirt of the band you’re going to see. Don’t be that guy, Kim..). 
Kimballlly almost fainted when Usman emerged from the airport doors, proclaiming that she wasn’t as bad as he thought!
Right away, Usman’s entourage called her his “Superfan”, which for some reason really seemed to bother Kmibally (who flew across the world to meet someone who’s tshirt she was wearing). Both Kim and Sojaboy corrected the crew that Kim was just a REGULAR fan/ “potential”, which only made Kim’s supercrush grow stronger. 
Kim and Usman strolled hand in hand down the hotel hallway to his SojaSuite so he could freshen up. She left him there while she went upstairs to her room to change into yet another Sojaboy themed t-shirt, which was ironically the same color as the one he had been wearing. Usman went upstairs to check out Kimbally’s quarters and was impressed by all of the sexy swan towels and suggestive rose petals strewn about the bed. She wasted no time winning over his affection by bringing him extravagant presents, like a Macbook pro and PS5 gaming system, which really wowed the star himself. Kimbally did however get a bit jealous watching Usman kiss and fondle the Playstation instead of her. He thanked her profusely before politely announcing he would be declining her offer to stay in the honeymoon suite for the night.  
(And meanwhile, I just hope her son isn’t sitting home in the U.S. going “Where the hell did my PS5 go???)

Mike & Ximena:

It was finally the day for Mike to head off to Colombia to be kidnapped by the cartel….. And maybe meet Ximena. He bid farewell to his father and grandfather, who seem to be perpetually sitting in assigned seats in their cluttered kitchen, chapping a nosh. 
Mike touched ground in Colombia, but was worried when he didn’t see any sign of Ximena.
We actually got to meet Ximena first. She is a 24 year old mother of two, hailing from Pereira, Colombia (which is not nearly as much fun to say as Bucaramunga). Ximena spends most of her time with her two sons, 9 year old Juan David and 3 year old Harold Steven (who got the mierda end of the stick in the nombre department…. That’s a crappy name, Kenny). Ximena’s booming career as a nail technician had unfortunately been brought to a halt due to the pandemic, and she now solely relies on Mike for financial support. 
she took us on a tour of her apartamento, showing off all of the beautiful mid 90’s furniture Mike had helped her purchase, along with some kitchen appliances and spending dinero. 
In an attempt to stay active in her craft, Ximena sat down with her stepmother and father (who all looked to be the same age as she was), and told them all about Mike’s upcoming visit. Her father was concerned for his grandsons, though Ximena assured him that her lego lover would be a great stepdad. She also admitted that she hadn’t told Mike about much of her past, which from  the previews sounds to be a bit like an episode of Breaking Bad. 
Something inside of me wishes Mike had gone to Turkey and met Alina instead. The height difference wouldn’t have been too bad and he would have thought of how to take care of her. 

Also, Ximena scares me. 

Memphis & Hazmat:

While Memphis and her worst weave were flying through the air, we got to meet Hamza in his homeland of Tunisia. He started out letting everyone know he is a 28 year old man who prefers his women plump, and ya know…sexy time. Although he recognizes that most American women are considered to be “slutty”, he hopes that his sexy time relationship with Memphis so maaach beautiful Rebekkkah. Hamza with the good hair still lives at home with his mom who caters to his every need. He is hoping things work out with Memphis so he’ll be able to come over to harvest the American dollar to better support his dear old mom. His mother seems pretty on board with the whole plan, but is not okay with her son shacking up with Memphis in the same room before they are wed (which isn’t scheduled until week two, since they didn’t want to rush things). 
Mother Hazmat is in it to win it, so she made sure to stop by Bed Bath & Beyond-Tunisia to pick up some sexy linens for Memphis and Hamsa’s post marital sexy time. She also made sure to get a beautiful bouquet of roses for her son to bring to the airport and score some brownie (baklava?) points. Aside from living with his mother, not picking out his own flowers, and probably not having a real job, Hamsa also does not drive (basically his only positive attributes so far are his hair/facial hair. At least Cousin It had his own place…..). Given his lack of transportation, he had to rely on a friend to bring him to the airport so he could finally meet Memphis. 
The couple finally came face to face at the baggage claim, running to each other to share in a big hug, while being careful not to show too much PDA. Memphis was gushing during their post-meet interview, going on and on about all of the overwhelming feelings involved in this first meeting. When asked how he felt at that moment, Hazmat described his initial feelings as “No problem”, while blinking a lot and chewing gum. 
During the car ride home, Memphis brought up the topic of sleeping in the same bed, which forced Hamsa to admit that his mother had said not until after marriage. Of course the lack of sexy time was concerning to Memphis, though she tried to compose herself, as she was just so excited to finally be together (Although I’m having flashbacks of “the Brittany”).