NEW!! Before the 90 Days Season 5

Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5 EP1

Posted on by ericashmerica

Caleb & Alina

Caleb & Alina:

Caleb is a physically fit man from Arizona with all of the makings to be a centerfold in “Douchebag Monthly”. He’s into aligning his chakras as well as outer body alien experiences (just like Big Mike, except maybe he won’t marry one). He took some time away from playing hacky sack to make an internet friend, Alina, who lives all the way in Russia. The two had met as teenagers online and chatted (a little “A/S/L” action), only to later lose touch. In more recent years, Caleb was thinking of touring Mother Russia and decided to peruse the ole Rooskie Tinder to see if he could meet a woman to practice tantric yoga with, when he came across Alina’s profile. The two immediately rekindled their friendship, which blossomed into more of a romantic relationship. Caleb acknowledges that for a necked-out sweater wearing guy like himself it’s pretty easy to win the ladies over, but he feels like things are different with Alina. And that they are.

Alina is a spunky and beautiful 27 year old girl from Russia. She happens to be a Little Person, with a very big personality. Despite her shortcomings, she has learned to love and accept herself, partaking in sexy photo shoots and burlesque dancing (If I were Alina, I’d choreograph a burlesque routine with Matroyshka dolls, where she popped out as the last one, in tassels. She can use that if she wants, I assume no copyrights). Alina and her two best friends even started a band appropriately named “BFF Band” with such hits as “My P*ssy’s got wifi”, and good for them! (Mine still has dial up). Given that fun fact, she must not have to worry about paying for internet at the apartment that she shares with her bandmate/roommate, Elijah, who I have a feeling will be a big part of this season. Alina explained how some of the effects of her Dwarfism make certain tasks more difficult, like walking for long periods of time, or bending her fingers. Though she is excited to meet her online boyfriend in real life, she worries that Caleb doesn’t understand the full extent of her disabilities and will be overwhelmed seeing her in her wheelchair.
Much like the Russian Alina that came before her, this Alina also decided to meet her boytoy in Turkey, since the Russian borders were still closed due to the pandemic (Couldn’t Caleb just fly over using astral projection, or does that also require a Visa?)
Alina went to her parents’ house to discuss her upcoming trip. Of course her mother and father (sporting his Canadian tuxedo) were worried about their daughter traveling alone to a foreign country with a camera crew to meet a stranger. They insisted that Alina bring her friend Elijah (and hopefully his adorable avocado print pajamas) to help her along the way.
Of course Alina worries that bringing Elijah would kill some of the mojo between her and Caleb, but she realizes the trip would be extremely difficult for her to do alone. When she called Caleb to spring the news about her plus one, he seemed slightly disappointed claiming that he doesn’t mind helping Alina with anything she needs, offering to carry her around caveman-style (which I’m guessing is exactly what every Little Person LOVES to hear…).

Shmerica’s First Impressions:
So far, I really like everything about Alina except her taste in men. Caleb’s man bun already had me annoyed, and I bet he smells like patchouli. I’m going to say it’s safe to assume Elijah will be fun and over the top, and that Caleb will surprise nobody when he acts douchey.

 

Kim & Usman

Kimbally & INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR SOJABOY (aka Usman):

Kim is a lovely 50 year old Michael Jackson fan hailing from San Diego (the Whale’s Vagina). She has always loved the King of Pop, proudly showing off her wall of memorabilia she happily purchased from Ebay, as well as her Michael Jackson commemorative tattoo. It was perhaps her love of the musical arts that drew her to send a message to Usman, aka “Sojaboy”, the most famous man in Sokoto, Nigeria. After seeing Usman on the last season of “Before the 90 Days”, she felt he was the next best thing to Michael Jackson- not just “local talent”. Kim was shocked when Supastar Sojaboy not only responded to her message, but struck up a conversation, which led to a flirtatious friendship, landing her the title of “potential girlfriend”. Kim definitely falls into the category of Usman’s “type”, based on his past relationship with his ex wife, Baby Girl Lisa. He invited “Kim-ballly” (as he lovingly refers to her) to hop on the next flight to Nigeria to come watch him film a music video for his new song “Zara” (It’s about a clothing store where nothing matches and everything falls off of the hangers).

Though Kim can’t wait for her luxurious vacation to Nigeria, she is nervous about leaving her mother Sally, for whom she is the sole caregiver. Her mother (who bears a striking resemblance to BGL) brought up a few points about Usman, and worried that Kim may have her heart broken. Fighting through tears, Kim explained that Usman is the closest thing she has to being with a pop star, and she’s willing to “go dey ” for him. Her entire face lights up every time she talks about her favorite Yahoo Boy, and she of course is completely neglecting all of the events she witnessed on the last season. After justifying her international Star Search to her mother, she then met up with her much younger friends by the beach to doodle “Mrs. Sojaboy” on her notebook. The Friends Kim indulged her giddiness, asking all kinds of questions about the intimate details of her relationship. Kim explained that Usman would prefer to take things slow by staying in separate hotel rooms at first, as he claimed to be scarred by the previous BGL experience. When asked if the “potential” couple had discussed a future together, Kim nonchalantly said that she would love to be Mrs.Sojagirl, but acknowledged that her days of toting an egg are long gone (Thank you, Kim. I wasn’t up to watching another awkward gynecological exam….that is unless if it’s to check if her p*ssy has wifi). That being said, Kim claims she would be okay with Sojaboy taking on a more fertile Myrtle second wife, and all moving to Coyote Pass (Near the trees, facing the mountain, but away from the pond. I hear the owner is motivated to sell). Do I sense the opportunity for a new reality show; “Seeking Sojaboy Sistawife”??? 

Shmerica’s First Impressions:

There is no way this happened organically. I am curious if production curated this directly, or if Kimbally really messaged Usman and he saw the opportunity to plug his new song. In any case, I’m just thinking about Barney and hoping no goats will be sacrificed this season for this trainwreck. #GoatLivesMatter

nowhere good.

Gino & Jasmine

Gino & Jasmine:

Gino is a 51 year old Michigani man looking to find love again. After his 7 year marriage ended in divorce, Gino found himself in a relationship with Marie Callender and Sara Lee, relying on them both for his gourmet meals for one. But this Hungry Man may have met his match when he met 34 year old Jasmine from Panama on an international dating site. Gino described Jasmine as “the smartest woman” he’s never been with (but possibly the most hard of hearing, if she’s able to tolerate his endless creepy giggles). He planned a trip to meet his dream girl in Panama, where he hopes to propose and immediately procreate.

In preparation for the big trip, Gino stopped by his local gas station/ pharmacy to stock up on some essentials. He asked the nice man at the counter for some tips on what one should bring when traveling to Panama to meet their online girlfriend. Gas station guy, having all of the answers, pointed him to the Imodium aisle so he could combat any case of diarrhea that may occur (the warning label on the Imodium bottle has a picture of Mother Summitch that states:”Must proceed with your day if having less than 5 diarrheas. Take 2 pills if you have 6 or more diarrheas. Nasal floss as directed”.) The friendly store clerk also showed Gino a selection of personal lubricants, making sure to describe the features of each in full detail from years of his own personal experience. (If this man isn’t Employee of the Month, I’m going to write a strongly worded letter……)
Even though Gino is nervous about dating a beautiful woman 17 years his junior, he doesn’t feel the slightest bit worried about keeping up in the bedroom. He made sure to stock up on some  little blue pills he proudly purchased from the internet, which he knows will work because he *insert creepy giggles here* “tested them out” *more creepy giggles”.

Gino’s brother Tony came over with his wife to discuss the big trip to Panama. Tony brought up the fact that Gino is completely bald, which he tries to hide underneath either a black or tan hat at all times. Of course this is the obligatory part of the episode where the 90 Day participant meets up with their family to discuss all of the risks and potential disaster that could occur, but you would think with names like “Tony” and “Gino”, someone could have at least brought some Gabagool. Tony and his wife think Gino is being a bit of a stunod with the whole Jasmine thing. 
And because one set of relatives telling you about all of the obvious flaws in your plan aren’t enough, Gino headed over to his Uncle Marco’s super cool vintage hot rod garage, to play pool and eat manigot. Uncle Marco, clearly the best dressed this season, was a bit skeptical about this Jasmine broad, and warned his nephew that he could wake up with a roofie (Not having been roofied, just possessing one, Maybe a BOGO sale with the blue pills?). Uncle Marco’s Goomah Sandy brought up the fact that Gino has been sending Jasmine money, even though he is currently unemployed. Apparently Gino is an engineer but was laid off during the pandemic, and is currently sending all of his savings to Jasmine to Larissa-fy herself. 

Though they are miles apart, Jasmine manages to keep a tight leash on her man. She accompanied Gino via satellite while he went to pick up a takeout dinner order, monitoring his interactions with the female waitstaff. She seems to be worried that while they are long distance, another woman might fall under the spell of Gino’s contagious giggle (Pretty sure that’s the giggle that only Mama Celeste could love). 

It was finally the big day, and Gino had his hat on in excitement, ready to head to Panama. Uncle Marco showed up at 3am with perfect hair to drive his bonehead nephew to the airport. When they arrived at the departure gate, Uncle Marco was in tears, explaining that he has been a surrogate father figure to Gino ever since his father passed away the year before, and he just wants to see his nephew find happiness. 
Before boarding the plane, Gino had one last chat with Jasmine, who called him her “adorable gringo” while making some suggestive comments that could either sound sexy or terrifying, depending on her mood. Can’t wait to see these two meet for the first time- I have a feeling they will not disappoint!

Shmerica’s First Impressions:

Jasmine is the lovechild of Larissa and Anfisa. She will require more biggee everything and her red bag with her makeup. Papa Gino looks exactly like Larry, of “Larry & Jenny” (the guy from an earlier season who worked at McDonalds that didn’t want to eat pork in the Philippines), but has all of the crazy factor of Pole (though we have yet to see him run).  His giggles are here to stay for the next 14 weeks, as we will watch him get attacked by a Panamanian she-devil. 
Let it also be known that this man’s giggle sounds like a deranged squirrel had a baby with Scooby Doo. Also, most of my Italian references are from my vast knowledge of  the Sopranos.

Not sure where this is going yet, but obviously nowhere good.

Memphis & Hamza

Memphis & Hamza:

Memphis is a feisty, well endowed 34 year old woman from the state that gave us Stephanie (aka Michigan). She is a single mom to two kids who worked hard to put herself through school while becoming a Nurse Practitioner. Though she’s had success in her career, she seems to have had a hard time finding a responsive manfriend…. That was until she went on an international dating site and met Hamza, a 28 year old Tunisian man who I’m assuming is a “personal trainer”. Though Memphis and Hamza can not speak each other’s native tongues they have learned to communicate through the language of love (or just sending each other naked photos and videos while saying “Sexy time” repeatedly). Memphis is looking forward to her upcoming trip to Tunisia, where she plans to marry the man of her dreams during the second week and bring him back on a spousal Visa. Her friends, on the other hand, were a bit skeptical, trying to bring up some cause for concern (See “Moo-hamit” and “Aladdin”), while watching her try on lingerie. Memphis, who lives her life with a YOLO attitude, explained that she knows Hamsa is the one, because he texts back.

Next we saw Memphis meet up with her mom to discuss her upcoming trip. Mother Memphis pointed out a few red flags with Hazmat, like the fact that he doesn’t have a job, and that he may not be ready to be a stepfodder at the age of 28. This seemed to strike a nerve with Memphis, who discussed her rough childhood, as her mom had a bad addiction to crack and her father was on Love After Lockup. She feels her childhood played a major part in her need to feel secure, and receive reciprocal texts. In 90 Day terms, she is 98% sure this relationship will work out, because, sexy time. 

Shmerica’s First Impressions:

Obviously Tunisia is a hot bed for international dating apps. I just hope Hazmat is soooo maaach sexy beutiful Rubeecccuh as Zied so mach was. So mach. 

My first thoughts were that this was going to be Brittany & Yazan 2.0, and another haram good time.

ericashmerica

32 thoughts on “Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S5 EP1”

  1. Lisa Croce says:

    Omg im 💀 ericasherica!!! I look forward to ur recap every week!!!! And can we talk about how adorable Uncle Marco is …. Def the star of the season….. gabagool gtfoh!!!!!!!! Please never stop doing ur recaps,,

    Reply
  3. Carol Wasson says:

    I love love love your recaps which manage to bring in previous 90DF couples along with Sister Wives references!! Thank you for the wildly entertaining recap! 😂

    Reply
  4. Evelyn Gault says:

    You did it again when you said Sara Lee and Marie Callander I lost it You are right on with all the recaps I’m still laughing you make my day with your recaps until next recap take care

    Reply
  6. Marlene Sabba says:

    Seeing your review I decided to ‘hang in there…’ to watch this train-wreck for another week. It is painful to watch, but you make it almost palatable. “(Mine still has dial up) made me “lol” for real and your Zara comments – and so many others – show just how funny you really are! Maybe I can endure this for another week…because of you.

    Reply
  8. Denise Lee says:

    Does Caleb have a twitch in his right eye? I noticed when he said he gets a lot of girls he winked but then I noticed another one. LOL @ hackysack.

    Reply
  13. diana kennedy says:

    STILL can’t believe TLC hasn’t offered you a commentator job or to do the tell alls!!! You’ve definitely have a craft!

    Reply
  14. Charae Ashcraft says:

    You can whip out your 3ring binder, take notes all 2hr sessions, form your recall — then give yourself a YouTube channel, where you could become the next John Yates, to play with the stars. It’s great you have such a perfect sense of humor.

    Reply
  18. Lois Leon Stein says:

    You made my day! This 77 year old “Retired” R.N., and “Biker chick,” recently was hospitalized for the “nth time.” I really felt a bit “down,” this Holiday Season, UNTIL I read your blog! LOL! I love reading every word you say! God Bless! Keep us LAUGHING! 💁‍♀️🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻❤️👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

    Reply
  19. Emily Young says:

    I love your recaps and look forward to reading them every week! Was it just me or did you notice Gino’s weird pronunciation of “Panama?” The way he says it, it rhymes with “enema.” Say it with me: Pan – uh – muh. What’s up with that?
    Anyhoo, looking forward to another season of your hilarious recaps!

    Reply
  20. Charlotte Kneidl says:

    Once again, this was fabulous. I haven’t watched it yet but you made me look forward to watching Gino. I’m now craving mata-got!

    Reply

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