The Other Way; S4, EP 8

Steven & Alina:

Mother Alina accompanied the kids to a nice outdoor cafe to sit down for lunch with a side of Mormon infomercials. Steven reminded the gals to refrain from ordering coffee, since the caffeine could give you the jitters, which could lead to involuntary skiddlypoop (or something, I wasn’t fully paying attention. So maaach subtitles!!). Steven lectured Mother Alina on the importance of not only his bride-to-be being baptized, but on HER becoming baptized as well, all while slurping an extra virgin slushie out of not one but two giant novelty squiggly straws (I would definitely take religious advice from anyone with squiggly straws). Speaking of extra virgins, Alina hinted to her mother that Steven was not one, and pointed out the extreme hypocrisy in his Mormon-ness. He nervously twirled his greasy flowing locks while struggling to explain that his vice seems to be romancing the ladies, though he fights his urges the best he can. Though Alina has missed some of the red flags while looking through her rose colored glasses, it seems as though Mother Alina saw right through Steven with her transition lenses. She feels that Alina should cut her losses with the dweeby sex-fiend now, before experiencing any more Turkey frizz (that’s when your hair is frizzy in Turkey).

After lunch, Alina and her mom took a Steven-less stroll to further discuss the situation. They came upon a man with demonic fortune-telling bunnies, who revealed to Alina that a man was “passionately in love” with her (she assumed this was Steven, but could very easily have been David of David and Lana and she never checked her AOL inbox, because she’s too young to know what that is). The bunny then skiddlypooped little pellets on her before her mom tried one more time to convince her daughter to abort mission. Alina needs to pull an “I go Russia”-stat.

Ellie & VictorBaba:

Ellie and Victor are back in San Andres where they rented an apartment temporarily so they could go back and forth to Provudeeeensia while slowly rebuilding their loveshack. As they unpacked in their new home, Ellie decided to bring up the cheating scandal casually. She mentioned some of the details that she had heard from the “other woman”, which included that she and “Baba” blacksheep were planning to get married and have children. VictorBaba breezily denied everything, claiming that living with this woman and planning a life together was nothing more than a quarantine fling. He realized he’s going to have to apologize repeatedly if he wants to keep that pizza cheddar flowing. Ellie expressed how hurt she had been by the infidelity, which apparently still wasn’t enough to stop her from trying to move to the island.
Next the happyish couple headed to a hardware store to purchase a drill and machete for their upcoming trip back to Providensssia, where they will Bob Villa their Villa (and possibly take turns reenacting Jumanji with the machete). 
Ellie had a little sticker shock at the store, as she seemed to be the only one financing the entire rebuild (She had probably thought they were going to use some palm leaves and duct tape to patch things up). She feared that Babalou was taking advantage of her generosity, and worried about the possibility of him getting amnesia and forgetting about another sidepiece in the future. I again say- Choose pizza. And air conditioning.

Ariela & Biniyam:

Ari and baby Avi have successfully flown from Ethiopia and touched ground at good ole Newark (which of course is a downgrade from Ethiopia). Ari video chatted with Biniyam to let him know they had arrived safely, though he seemed preoccupied with taking full advantage of his alone time. She explained that the couple had struggled being long distance previously, and hoped the month apart wouldn’t cause any problems in their relationship.  
Back at her sister’s house, Ari seems enthralled watching baby Avi eat chicken, as she geared up for her family to meet her over achieving chicken eating baby for the first time. The positive gangster was so excited to have her daughter and grandson stateside, and started in with trying to get them to move back home. Ari’s sister (the missing Potthast) brought up that it was time for the cute little “Oh I had a baby in Ethiopia and did a lot of weird awkward naked bath things, Miss culture” stuff to be over, and she should now resume her Snooki poof and return to New Jersey. Ariela plans on keeping her promise to Biniyam about coming back to Ethiopia, but secretly is hoping he might want to take his butt-bongo-ing career on a US tour. 

Borey & Evilone:

Meanwhile, back in Engabao…
Corey was still sleeping outside in his hammock, being used as live mosquito bait, when he decided to take drastic measures to return to Evilone’s good graces.
He wrote her an apology letter on computer paper from 1987 (with the extra large side fringe) and slid it under Evelin’s door. In yet another romantic gesture, he decided to bring Evelin some flowers he picked from the front yard (probably best not to spend a lot on a floral arrangement, being that she hates him even on a good day). 
Despite his efforts, she continued to resist, all but crumbling his love note in his face, and even threatened to get the police involved if he didn’t relocate his hammock. Oddly enough, Evelin hating him and Evelin planning to marry him seems like the same energy. Though she tried to let him know in multiple ways that she is less interested than ever, Snorey just couldn’t seem to take the hint, refusing to sign divorce papers and destined to be her whipping boy for all eternity. The end.

Karmando:

Team Karmando was playing full service day spa with little Hannah, giving her a mani/pedi (lavender foot scrub special and callus remover- ten dolla extra). Hannita made sure to tip her dos papas with her Monopolio dinero (that’s Monopoly money, Kenny), as she scampered off to let them talk smack about her in another language (just kidding, Kenny doesn’t  know another language).
Apparently now that the wedding is on, Armando wants to solidify their familia by having a baby together. His grand plan involves having a baby with Kendoll’s DNA and an egg donor, which they would raise together alongside Hannah. Though he seemed flattered, Kenny feels like he’s more in the “cool grandpa/gringo stepdad” phase of his life, than “papa nueva”(Which might mean “new potato”….it’s interpretive.) Kenny agreed to stay open to the idea, as well as entertain the idea of possibly adopting. 
Next the couple went to check out an orphanage to look into the option of adoption, and visited a home with HIV positive children. This seemed to hit Kenny hard, since he had lived through the 80’s during the AIDS epidemic and possibly attended “Live-Aid” (which has nothing to do with anything, but fun-nonetheless). Their segment this week showed a glimmer of the old “TLC” when it was actually “The Learning Channel” as opposed to the new TLC which now stands for the“Trashy Leisure Channel”. Can’t wait for next week, where Karmando will go to a nearby village to bring designer coats to the homeless, along with all of the guacamole Kenny refuses to eat. Maybe they can even visit a leper colony and bring them homemade scones. Saint Karmando, you are too good for my weekly garbage show. Go forth and spread love on thy Hallmark-ith Channel-ith.

Jenny & Swimmeet:

Jenny met up with some extra that the production hired to play the role of her friend, and they strolled around the marketplace gabbing about her impending roommates. The “friend” made it known that she supports Jenny & Swami’s relationship 1000% (because here at 90 Day Headquarters we only speak in percentages), though she understands why Mother Smee is totally pissed. Jenny told her “friend” about the major breakthrough during counseling and her suspicions that Mother Stoopeed is just trying to harass her in her own home until she gets fed up and takes her ancient butt back to the US.  Friend Jenny encouraged OG Jenny to embrace the Parent Stewfeet and even allow them to sleep in her bed so they would be more comfortable. Of course this sounded crazy to Jenny, who is actually older than both of her never-going-to-be inlaws, but she agreed to go along with things in hopes that they would have a change of heart. 
Back at the house, Jenny and SumEats called Rent-A-Center to have some furniture to stage the house for the Parent Slumfeet’s big arrival. Swamp-y was so excited about the houseguests that he was willing to give them he and Jenny’s bedroom (though he better make sure to hide all of the leather and fuzzy handcuffs, as this is where Jenny Hare’s his Krishna). Jenny is stressed out knowing she’s about to become the butt of every family joke for years to come, as she argued with SoMaach over his desire to all live together like one big happy family (Ya like that one? Zied named him this time).

Then it was the moment I’ve been waiting for- the arrival of the Parents Someitch. They entered the house, smirking at the rented furniture and motel art, as Mother Smee made fun of Jenny’s total disregard for coasters. Apparently upon readying the house for their company, Jenny and Shoegrit forgot to Windex, or even tidy up. Jenny gave the Parents the grand tour, bringing them to the kitchen, which looked like something out of Fredy Kreuger’s cooking show filmed Live! From the Boiler Room. Between all of the clutter, the rust in the sink, and general filth, Mother Steamheat was sure to have a field day. She began tidying the kitchen as she barked orders at Jenny to grab a broom to sweep up the onion peels and monkey excrement from under the kitchen countertop. Father Soooyouthinkyoucandance took his turn trolling her, by commenting “She doesn’t know where the broom is because she doesn’t use the broom”, while I laughed comfortably, feeling less bad about my own messy kitchen. Mother Schmitt feels that Jenny is way beyond the age limit on the learning curve, deeming her a lost cause (In fairness, maybe Jenny didn’t think the kitchen was so dirty because of her cataracts). The only one (beides me) who seemed to be enjoying this experience was Stankfeet, who smirked as he seemed excited to end the era of living in Hoarders-the India addition. I am actually looking forward to watching Jenny and Mother So-meak have their mother/ancient future daughter in law cooking time together next week.