The Other Way; S4, EP 7

Steven & Alina:
Still stuck at the winery from last week, Alina is left trying to process the fact that someone else was willing to sleep with Steven. He shabbily tried to apologize for lying, while also revealing his romantic stats; First base with 100 girls, 2nd or 3rd base with 24, and scoring a home run with approximately 4-5 (I’m wondering if the approximation was due to religious technicalities, or if he’s going to finally confess to also smoking a lot of weed so he doesn’t remember the exact number). He explained that one of these unchaste hookups was during a viewing of Star Wars, which is a known aphrodisiac in some circles. Alina was crushed to hear that the timeline of the “Steven Bigelow; Male Gigolo” days overlapped the beginning of their relationship, and left the winery, while her misguided Mormon sat there, licking the glass. 

Next we saw Steven back at the apartment, slurping his cereal loudly (though nothing will ever beat the annoying factor of Tania sipping her tea) before tidying up the apartment for Alina’s Mother’s big visit. Mother Alina’s arrival couldn’t have come at a better time, being that the couple hadn’t spoken since the skiddlypoop revelations (I think “Skiddlypoop Revelations” is a chapter in the Book of Mormon that was never translated into Russian bedtime stories). 
Alina retrieved her mother from the airport (who was wearing a beautiful rhinestone shirt that said “Choice Need to Chic Charm”, which is pig Latin for “I choose not to find Steven charming”) 

On the car ride back to the apartment, Alina told her mother that she and Steven were currently in a fight over his lying and hypocritical Star Wars escapades. She is still on the fence about moving past these issues and is waiting to see how Steven interacts with her mother to decide her next move. 
Once back at the apartment, Steven is convinced he could win over his future mother-in-law with chocolates and a fake Russian accent. They all sat around awkwardly tasting the chocolates and making weird “yummy” noises before he pulled out an apology gift for Alina- a red coin purse in the shape of a cat from a Turkish Dollar Tree (Nothing says “I’m sorry for playing with other peoples’ kitties like a kitty coin purse!) Mother Alina is unimpressed with the chocolates and Steven in general, as she watched him twirl his greasy 90’s soap star hair and spew stupid comments. Mother Alina feels as though her daughter’s prospects are “dim” and she would be better off “I go Russia”, right meow.

Credit to Steve-o, though for at least speaking his potential wife’s language, even if his intentions were to rake in more Russian StarWars fans….

Corey & Evilone:

Although we got a much needed break from them last week, these two were back with their cloud of misery hovering low. After having finally told Evilone that his relationship during their break was slightly more than a fling, Corey secretly drove the family hoopty into town where Peruvian Jenny was waiting for him (They could’ve just had this conversation on the phone… I got her number, it’s…8675309, give or take the country code). Corey magically busts out his best Spanish while officially dumping Jenny (which should have made Evilone the MOST mad, since he’s been Kenny-status on the Espanol for the last few seasons). Peruvian Jenny seemed to handle the in-person breakup like a champ, explaining that she and Core-Core had a very special relationship that she will always remember fondly, though she understands that they’ve both moved on. She did seem like she genuinely cared about Corey, which unfortunately isn’t what he’s looking for in a relationship. Apparently when the two had met, Corey had presented himself as single, only to reveal 4 months later that he was actually married/separated (Don’t worry, Peruvian Jenny… we’ve all been around for 3 years and he just told us 2 weeks ago). She wanted him to sort out his issues, but was shocked that he ended up ghosting her in the end. She encouraged Corey to come clean to his wife about the extent of their relationship, all before she used Jihoon’s translator app to let him know she had to go because she had a date (which, probably said “Just tell Evelin it’s all Jihoon’s fault”). 

Corey decided it was best to come clean to his fiance/wife over a nice big coconut on the beach. He explained that the relationship with Jenny was super serious, and only ended because his mother couldn’t get over the age difference and was afraid she would end up in a nursing home (oops, wrong Jenny….I hate when that happens!). He explained that Jenny was more of a relationship than the failed “wham bam gracias ma’am” as he originally told her. Evelin felt blindsided, since she had convinced herself that Corey’s member was only able to salute her, exclusively. She was furious over his lies and infidelity (during the time she broke up with him and told him they could see other people), and began verbally assaulting him, instead of just giving him disgusted expressions like she does on their good days. After storming off, Evelin sent Corey a series of angry text messages, accusing him of being a liar, as he stood on the depressing beach in the midst of his depressing marriage, on the most depressing season of this show. 

Evelin confiscated Steven’s Turkish chocolates, eating her feelings as she explained to the production crew that she should have known better. She seemed more mad about being played than anything else (though we never heard what SHE was up to during their relationship intermission). After announcing she was done with Corey for good, she banished him from the house, claiming she hoped he got bit by a million mosquitos (which in Ecuador, is a big F.U.)

After an itchy night in the hammock, Evilone agreed to meet her secret husband to yell a little bit more and continue watching him grovel. He seemed slightly unphased as she recounted all of the lies he had told her, unable to deny any of them. Even though she can’t stand the sight of him, Evilone seemed crushed, as she cried and declared that she wanted a divorce. (Hopefully Peruvian Jenny has some Calamine lotion on hand… stat)

Karmando:

The guys are back home (shockingly they didn’t spend 4 episodes filming each hour of their drive), and ready to push forward with obtaining their marriage license for the big day. I’ll cut to the chase; The marriage license was approved. There were happy tears. End scene. Slow clap. Let me know when it’s cocktail hour, I’ve got your toaster in the back of my car (or “coche”, Kenny). 

Ariela & Biniyam:

Ari is packing for her big trip to the US with baby Avi for his hernia surgery. Bini is struggling with her decision to leave, fearing that he will lose yet another family. Apparently he was so traumatized from his previous marital situation, that he freaked out and hid Ari’s passport, but came to his senses and eventually gave it back (I’ve seen “Not Without My Daughter”… not sure what Sally Fields will look like when she has to wear pigtail braids and ripped jeans in her portrayal of Ari for the remake). 
To assure she would be returning, Ari’s neon nails placed a wedding band on Bini’s finger, which gave him a glimmer of hope.They loaded all of the luggage and baby Avi ino the cab, as Ari promised she would be returning from the land of many bras as soon as possible. Biniyam broke down in tears at the airport upon his family’s departure, preparing himself for a single month of lonely butt-bongoing.  

Jenny & SueMe:

This week, Harold and Maude are schlepping the Parents Smitt off to counseling in a last ditch effort to give peace a chance. They arrive at the therapist’s office where Mama Smee says “Nama-stay on the other side of the room from Jenny”, while glaring at her son. She opened the session by explaining that the Jenny situation is killing her slowly, and giving Father Sueme digestive issues. Though the therapist understands India’s general distaste for huge age gaps in relationships, she still recommended that they work to come to some sort of understanding. Father Someitch tried to make his son realize that his opposition to his son’s relationship was in part due to worrying about Jenny. He pointed out that if the couple broke up in 10-15 years, Jenny would be 105, and have no one but the street monkeys to tend to her. Jenny claimed not to mind being alone after StewMeat pushes her wheelchair off into the sunset, because she will have been with her mini-me, and he “completes her” (in my best Dr. Evil voice). His mother pointed out that if the couple breaks up in another 10-15 years, no one will want to be with Mike Jones, since he’ll presumably be in the 40’s/50’s (assuming he hasn’t lied about his age too). They went back and forth about both parties ending up alone forever, until the therapist stepped in and suggested that Mother Smitt simmer down a bit and try her best to accept the relationship. 
It was then that things took a strange turn, as Mama Smeet went from refusing to invite Jenny over for samosas to proposing that they should all live together. She felt this would be the only way she could teach Jenny the proper ways to become an Indian daughter-in-law as a fun little torture experiment that we could all mutually enjoy watching. The producer questioned Mother Smitt about the origin of her “Ah-Ha ” moment, but she just said she never thought about it, just decided it (because Mother Thatwitch is an evil genius). This is basically “The Real World- India”, and I am sooo maaaach excited. 

After the breakthrough in therapy, Jenny and Scumfeet dusted the monkey crap off of a local bench to discuss their progress. As they talked about their impending roommates, they were surrounded by a clan of monkeys who also disapproved of their relationship. Jenny confronted Smee for the 100th time about his inability to commit to marriage, which he conveniently blamed on their new roommates. Jenny was hoping they could hold off on moving his parents in, as she was afraid this was all a ploy by Mother Somecreep to sabotage their relationship (Because it is. And she’s here to save the season with her comic relief).