The Other Way; S4, EP 4

Corey & Evil-one:

We picked up from last week, where Evilone was sitting in her 80’s Madonna wedding gown,  dropping the bomb on her sisters that she and Corey had secretly gotten married the year before. She explained that like in most fairy tales, Prince Charming’s Visa was about to expire, and they hadn’t been hating each other that day, so she decided to go through with getting married. However immediately after the ceremony, she couldn’t stop crying, feeling deeply unsettled. Evelin decided to keep the marriage a secret just in case things didn’t work out so she would be able to get a divorce free of her family’s judgement. Her sisters (who looked like they were collectively 14 years old) tried to point out that she didn’t seem happy, and that marrying someone you can’t stand for the second time would be a terrible idea…again (I.E.: See “Natalie and Big Mike”). Let it be known that warm, kind, and bubbly personalities seem to be hereditary in the Family Evilone….
Later that day, Evelin decided to bring Corey to meet her sisters for lunch so they could ambush him with their judgement. They ordered him a special soup that was a little Engabao best kept secret, sure to man up even the doofiest of men (the soup definitely had it’s work cut out for it). After a few spoonfuls, Sister Evelin revealed that the secret ingredient was some sort of creature’s balls, because who didn’t see that coming?! (The entire scene was contrived, not even slightly entertaining, and poorly scripted, making me long for the days of Nicole/Azan, and Danielle/Moohamit). Corey and his ball breath finally worked up the courage to ask the sisters Evilone why they didn’t feel he was the best thing to ever happen to Engabao. He was a bit surprised to hear that they knew about the Peruvian vacation fling, and even more shocked finding out that they knew of the secret marriage. Evelin sat by, letting her angsty teen sisters interrogate Corey, as he worked hard to explain himself, instead of just giving them noogies. I hope this storyline with the sisters doesn’t continue for much longer… it’s way past their bedtimes. 

Steven & Alina:

Speaking of kids that are out too late on a school night…
Steven is on his way to meet Alina in Turkey, checking in at each layover with pointless updates and airport terminal piano concerts that no one asked for. After watching him eat airline food and walk through terminals, we finally got to see him land with his hair on point. 

Meanwhile, back in Russia… Alina is excited to head to Turkey, but sad to leave her mother and grandmother (aka her roommates). Alina’s mother accompanied her for the drive to the airport, chatting all the while about the couples’ Turkish adventure. Mother Alina was surprised to hear that Steven had insisted he stay in a separate location from her daughter, as not to be tempted by her feminine wiles. Her mother felt disappointed that Steven seemed to be abandoning her daughter in a foreign country, and worries that she may be in harm’s way staying on her own (ya know, instead of being protected by Steven’s Gumby-like manly physique). 

Once in Turkey, the young goofballs had an awkward yet slightly romantic reunion at the baggage claim. Alina wasted no time questioning Steven about his decision to stay at a hostel, causing some slight tension. They arrived at the apartment and had cringy makeout moments as they settled in. Alina tried to lay down the law, explaining that she doesn’t feel safe staying alone due to the fact that she’s very attractive (despite the apparent humidity overpowering her hair). She later confessed that her reasoning for wanting Steven to stay under the same roof was to ensure he wasn’t shacking up with any female hostel-goers (or their bedbugs). Steven explained that staying in the apartment with Alina was a bit too tempting, as his religion bans him from having “Skoodilypoop” before marriage (which was all he needed to say to ensure abstinence). He agreed to stay the first night, but was determined to check out the hostel in the morning. The couple changed into their pajamas and Alina seemed to be hoping for a little “Netflix and chill”, but instead she got the Russian Book of Mormon, and a high five before retiring to their separate beds.  

The next morning, Steven showcased his post shower bod as the couple got dressed to check out the hostel. They didn’t make it very far before passing by a pool, which Steven proceeded to jump into while fully clothed (the point of which I’m still trying to understand). After the impromptu swim, they wandered onto the grounds of the hipster themed hostel, which seemed like a Club Med for odd ducks like Steve-O. Alina laid down the law that he is to continue to stay with her in the apartment, and they will refrain from Skoodilypoop until marriage. 

Watching these two makes me feel like I’m babysitting and checking my watch obsessively to see when the parents are coming home…

Karmando:

The fellas set off to Armando’s hometown of San Felipe to tell his family about the Karmando wedding of the century. In tow were Kenny’s daughter Cassidy, little Hannah, and of course,- Princess Truffles. The family had a sweet but somewhat uncomfortable reunion, as Armando worried about his father’s acceptance of his new found family. Much to his surprise, Armando’s dad showed up and greeted everyone warmly. While he may not be ready to wear rainbow hot pants in South Beach during Pride, he seems to have come a long way. Armando appreciated the progress so much, that he decided not to rock the boat by talking about the wedding. Kendoll did, however, manage to talk Armando into telling his mother and sisters about the wedding (of course because Kenny couldn’t tell them himself, since he still doesn’t seem to know any Espanol). After telling the ladies, Armando worked up enough courage to sit down with his father, hombre a hombre. Father Armando listened and managed not to pretend to be “at the store”, but he wasn’t ready to RSVP just yet, and definitely not ready to decide if he wanted pollo or pescado (See, Kenny? It’s not that hard…) More Truffles, por favor/gracias. (Ok now I’m just showing off…)

Ariela & Bada-Bin:

Ariela and her ex husband Leandro went out for a day-date to yet again discuss their unconventional ex-spousal situation. She revealed that a big part of their breakup was due to her desire to have children, and Leandro’s big fat negative in the kiddo department. Leandro questioned Ariela’s happiness in her current location and relationship, feeling as though she and Avi would potentially have a lot more opportunity in America. Ari claimed to feel right at home in Ethiopia now that she has a toilet seat and hot water, and sees it as a great place to raise a family (probably because of the $200/ month live-in childcare…I’m considering making the move myself..). She acknowledged that she loved Biniyam, but would like him to work on improving his communication skills a bit better when he’s going to be staying out all night with his friends, working on the butt bongos. 

The three’s company crowd headed to Bini’s hometown to celebrate the Ethiopian holiday of Buhe (a holiday modeled after the “Beach Day” episode of “The Office”). Each Buhe attendee took turns jumping over a fire, after some fun chanting and I’m sure delicious food. Binyam’s family wasted no time questioning Leandro about he and Ari’s involvement with each other when they stayed together in New Jersey. Leandro casually glazed over the topic, much as he did last week when being interrogated by Biniyam. Ariela seemed to have had enough of the questions, and was sick of being compared to Bini’s ex who had left two years prior with their young son. Bini’s sister (Wish. com) continued pressuring Ari until she finally stood up and decided it was time to take Biniyam and Leandro home so they could all go cuddle up together in their bed and audition for “Seeking Brother Husbands”, a new reality show on TLC.

The next morning, Biniyam was grinning from ear to ear, as it was finally time to say goodbye to Leandro. At the airport, Ariela moved in for an extra long “goodbye” hug, accompanied by a kiss. After Leandro left, Biniyam made sure to tell Ari what a “gift” she is, as well as baby Avi (though I would’ve asked for Ari’s receipt). Looks like next week he is going to prove his love to Ari by taking her to have a some kind of shower outside with a naked lady. Can’t wait to find out what the hell that’s all about…

Ellie & Victor:

Ellie enjoyed her rigorous ice cold shower on her first morning in San Andres, the neighboring island to Providencia. She found a boat that would take her to the hurricane-ravished island, and stopped by a local souvenir shop to stock up on $400 worth of “Someone who loves me went to San Andres to find her cheater boyfriend instead of staying in Seattle at her pizza place and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” t-shirts to bring along to cloth the survivors of the deadly storm. But as luck would have it, Victor surprised her with a phone call, reporting that he managed to catch an airplane over to the island where she was staying. She hurried to pick him up at the airport, and was beyond relieved to finally get to see him safe and sound. 
They had a tearful reunion, as Victor recounted his brush with death during the category 5 storm where he hid under the kitchen sink with his family for safety. Luckily, he was able to leave his child and family behind and escape to San Andreas to relax with Ellie in the air conditioning. What-a guy!…
Looks like next week they’ll be heading over to assess the damage in Providencia, and decide if making the move to the demolished island is a good idea or not (I choose pizza, every time.)

Jenny & Summit, NJ:

Well Hare we are, back in India, where we got to see the bustling streetlife, a bunch of wires, and a pack of native monkeys (one in particular that the camera kept panning to which looked to be the elder monkey with very droopy mammaries that the locals referred to simply as “Jenny”). 
After failing miserably with the Hare Krishna scam from last week, it looks like Jenny and Swami are back to the drawing board. Smee claimed that his ex wife’s family stole his passport and refused to return it, which left him unable to travel to a neighboring country to stay with Jenny until her tourist Visa was renewed (funny how he never mentioned what happened to “Mike Jones’s” passport…). Jenny encouraged Swim-meet to put on his big boy pants and start being a bit more ambitious, as he never even attempted to replace the missing passport or made any effort for, well….anything.. Shortly after the pep talk, she personally made him an appointment and walked him over to the appropriate office to discuss getting a new passport. A serious looking man in a very official looking outfit let the couple know that a new passport could be issued in about one month (though I’m wondering what the name/spelling will be on the passport…especially if they read my recaps). After this stall tactic blew up in his face, Smit was left to quickly come up with a new reason that he couldn’t marry Jenny. She once again reiterated the fact that he had promised to marry her, and how much she hated having to travel back and forth to the US every few months in her compression socks. ( $20 says that Monkey Jenny will become a Hare Krishna devotee before SueMe ever marries human Jenny. $40 says Sumeme will marry Monkey Jenny before he marries Human Jenny)