Happily Ever After; S6 Tell All 1

This is it… it’s finally the Tell All for one of the most dragged out seasons in 90 Day Fiance history. And of course, in true 90 Day fashion, instead of just cutting to the chase, they had to drag out the Tell All by showing all of the pre-show green room shenanigans. 
While the cast members were busy arriving and getting ready, they were each interviewed as sort of a “warm up” before being thrown in the ring. 
Most of the cast were all present and accounted for. Yara was wearing a one sleeved green gown (looking like the lovechild of Kermit and Miss Piggy).Tiffany was feeling especially empowered, wearing her cold shouldered dress for a change, while Julia was insecure in her yellow floppy school picture day dress. Kalani looked ravishing in her long blush colored velvet dress, while Asuelu wore a Samwan matching shirt/shorts pajama set. Angela debuted her new MeeMaw makeover, wearing a red low cut one piece number, twirling around saying “Hide your husbands!”. Her extra high fake ponytail swirled around like an “I Dream of Jeannie” who’s lamp  got left in the basement for over 25 years and someone at an estate sale accidentally rubbed it the wrong way, releasing it’s explosive contents. 

Natalie and Mike sat separately, as the last breakup seemed to have stuck (probably because Juliana stunk up Mike’s bathroom). I was just distracted by the fact that Natalie’s shoes did not at all match or even go with her dress…. (It was like one personality picked out the dress and another picked out the shoes while they were fighting over which personality was in fact “zee hooker”.)

After the pre-”Tell All” red carpet show, Shawn decided to dig into Natalie and Mike first. Mike demonstrated many of his signature miserable faces, while Natalie squirmed around awkwardly, making sure to laugh inappropriately whenever the voices in her head were in the mood. She claimed that Mike was a workaholic that was too tired from his long daily commute to give her the attention she needed. Apparently she was going crazy living in zee voods, and gained a lot of weight when she started taking her “antee zeepresunts” (something she had to say 3 times so anyone without closed captions could understand what she meant, since the wrong emPHAsis was on the wrong SYLABle). Feeling like she was losing zee mind spending her days cluttering zee walls with butterfly decals, she finally decided to leave Mike and set out to start a new life in Florida. She claimed to have refrained from dating for the time being, but was quickly outed by Jovi, who brought up the fact that she brought a random guy with her to dinner when she came to visit New Orleans. Natalie said this random man was some Russian guy she allegedly met on a “find friend from Russia” website she seems to be very active on. While Jovi was throwing her under the bus, she squirmed and laughed inappropriately, letting her crazy show. She basically maintained that she and Mike had split, and she was free to go anywhere she wanted with anyone, and could even go to the moon (which further proves my theory that she’s actually an alien, which was why Mike liked her in the first place).
It was also exposed that Natalie’s entire life and little escapades were being funded by the big guy, as she still had his bank card and did not hesitate to use it. Back in the green room in between segments, the rest of the cast was reassuring Mike that he was not at fault, and should find another woman who also enjoys meat and beer. Angela, who apparently feels very comfortable with anyone named “Michael”, put her foot into the big guy’s lap, instructing him to use his Paul Bunyon hands to rub her own bunions. 

Next in the hot seat were Tiffany and Ronald.  They wasted more time fighting back and forth, with Tiffany insisting that she’s always right. After having to rewatch their little highlight reel, Ma’Boy revealed that he was jealous over Tiffany’s chummy relationship with the cameraman, who she had spent time talking to at the hotel after the couple’s therapy session went awry. Both Tiffany and Ronald’s mothers joined via satellite to weigh in on the ridiculousness. Mother Ma’Boy confessed her love to Tiffany, basically begging her not to leave Ronald (probably knowing he would spiral out of control and she can’t keep affording to buy new refrigerators). Mother Tiffany agreed that both her daughter and son in law both suck, but Ronald is a bit more hateable (and I’d have to agree). At the end of all of the arguing and fighting back and forth, the couple ultimately confessed that they actually love each other (yet nobody ran to check if it was Opposite Day).

Brandon and Julia checked in, gabbing away about enjoying their new apartment and life away from the farm. The only thing that Julia seemed to miss about farm life was her dog, Simba. As she gushed over her love for her canine companion, Brandon couldn’t help but feel a bit slighted. Brandon did admit that Julia was a bit possessive and jealous over his friendships, especially with anyone of the opposite sex. Julia felt the overbearing nature may stem from infidelities in her past relationships, with Yara weighing in to remind Julia that she’s not exactly married to a hot commodity…..like Jovi. 
Betty and Ron appeared on the big screen to say hello and let their son know about a real estate opportunity that opened up conveniently down the street from the farm. They even offered to help with a down payment if the couple would agree to come back to the old ‘hood, but Julia refused to accept. Brandon sat with tears in his eyes as Shawn began to discuss Ron’s health issues (no specifics given, but prayers for Ron), while Julia sat there stone faced.

The attention turned to Trish, who came on the scene with a fresh haircut and bang trim for the occasion. She was wearing her dress-up pedal pushers and Birkenstocks, and perhaps a little blue bottom eyeliner from 1987.She wasted no time digging right into Natalie and her motives, taking no prisoners and making sure to call Natalie out on her inconsistencies. As we were forced to rewatch the highlights of “Hookergate”, Trish set the record straight by proclaiming once and for all that she did not in fact call Natalie the “H” word. She then moved on to make her case that Natalie was using Mike to come to America. Natalie tried to take the heat off of herself by claiming that Mike was no saint, especially since she had once found deleted naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend on his phone. Angela seemed to be getting sick and tired of listening to Natalie lie and complain, clearly team Magic Mike (she was probably just trying to score another foot rub). Julia even threw in her two cents, shaming Natalie for coming over on a finance Visa when she obviously didn’t want a real relationship. Yara made the mistake of trying to tangle with Trish and the bangs for being too involved with her son’s love life but Trish shut that Ish down quickly, with even Jovi agreeing with her. After the segment, Natalie tried to get in Trish’s face to smooth things over, but Trish passionately pointed out several of Nutalie’s shortcomings, including her lies and manipulations, and her inability to even admit the truth to her own mother.  (She also claimed Natalie accused Uncle Bo of stealing her jewelry, which I’ll only believe when I see him wearing a gold plated “HOOKER” necklace, at which point we can refer to him as Bodazzle.) Ultimately Natalie ended up calling her mother from her dressing room to fill her in on the recent change in relationship status, before throwin down the phone as part of her tantrum and hanging up. 

After a short break, the attention turned to Angela, who opened up about Michael’s lack of support during and after her recent surgeries. She felt that Michael emotionally abandoned her, as she had a good cry, with her ponytail remaining perfectly positioned where her frazzled blonde pineapple once was. She claimed that her surgeries were to better her health, which was stressing her out so much that she needed several smoke breaks in between filming.
Skyla joined the party in her “mini me” ponytail, while wearing a very unflattering olive green dress with visible leopard bra straps. Shawn went into a deep dive with Angela about her relationship with her plastic surgeon, Dr Obeng, implying that the scope of the relationship had broken the barrier of doctor/patient. Angela ended up admitting (in front of Michael on the big screen) that she had seen Dr Obeng socially, though their interactions were innocent. Michael rightfully became very angry, pointing out the hypocrisy as Angela would hatched her last egg if the situation was reversed. As he grew more angry, Angela tried hard to shut Michael down, while she turned her attention to address Aunt Lydia, who phoned in for the drama. Angela couldn’t help herself, screaming at both Aunt Lydia as well as Michael, while he tried in vain to get her to relax. During her blind screaming rage, Angela ended up flashing her brand new and improved chesticles to the camera, two times to be exact, while everyone looked on in shock and amazement (though I’m pretty sure I saw Jovi’s hand automatically reach for his wallet, ready to “Make it rain”, as this was the closest he’s going to get to the strip club for a long time). Cue Mother Chantel; Things just got more stupider. 

Thus concluded part one of the Tell All, and I for one can’t wait to see what part 2 could possibly hold in store. Feel free to join me tonight (Tuesday, 9:30pm EST) on my FB page for my LIVE to discuss!!!