Happily Ever After; S6, EP 14

Anglea & Michael:

Michael is at the doctor’s office, ready to produce his specimen to carry on the Michael legacy. Angela and her frizzy high ponytail came along via satellite as his “inspiration”. Angela of course could not remain mature throughout Michael’s meeting with the doctor, laughing hysterically like a middle schooler every time the doctor mentioned Micahel’s self fulfillment, even asking the doctor if there were going to be any girls for Michael’s “happy ending”. Michael explained to the doctor that he was new to this activity, and only experiences a release when he has wet dreams. He then entered the “gentleman’s room”, producing eh-vuh-dence for Angela that there were no women or pornagraphic contraband present. As I predicted last week, we got to hear Angela dirty talking to Michael (while simultaneously making fun of him) to help him with his homework assignment. Michael managed to muster up some swimmers after a whopping 2 minutes, but who could blame him? He was, afterall chatting with the reigning Hazelhurst wet t-shirt contest champ herself.

Back in Georgia, Ang and Skyla are on a quest to find Meemaw a new wardrobe to match her new smaller physique. As they drove, Angela let Skyla know about Michael’s recent doctor’s appointment and his first time self exploration (of course Angela made sure to do this in the confines of a moving vehicle, where Skyla had no chance of escaping hearing all of the sexy details). Skyla felt that the sperm doctor story may have been Angela’s segway into asking to tote an egg again, which she firmly declined. Once they arrived at the store, Angela was having a great time trying on a variety of looks. The sales women helped her into a pair of size 11 jeans, and much to Meemaw’s dismay, the junior size fit like a glove. Although her outward appearance had changed, it was good to see Meemaw was still up to her old tricks of toting things in her bra (even though it went from more of a beach bag down to a clutch). Looks like next week Angela and Skyla will be hitting up the fertility clinic to try and have yet another doctor explain to Michael that his wife couldn’t tote the fruits of his loom. 

Kalani & Asuelu:

Asuelu arrived home with two hitchhikers; Mother Asuelu and thuglife Tammy. Upon entering the house, Tammy was already casing the joint, making sure to start the conversation by asking the typical opening question: “How much this house cost?”. The family Kalani greeted the two warmly with hugs (though Sister Kolini managed to bypass Tammy in the hug department). They all sat down for dinner, with Low breaking the ice to ask Mother Asuelu’s plans for when she returned to the motherland. She mentioned that aside from shaking people down for money, she also enjoys weaving traditional Sam-wan mats, but her real passion project is playing bingo. Shortly after the funny little anecdote, Mother Asuelu snapped back into shakedown mode, as she started in with Asuelu about sending her money. Asuelu explained that he and Kalani would send her some small amounts of money for food and necessities, but didn’t want her giving up his hard earned TikTok earnings to the local pastor (and now it all makes sense; She probably plays bingo at church and she uses the money to pay off the pastor so she can be the bingo queen). Tammy chimed in, backing up her mother, and telling Asuelu that Mother Asuelu can do what she pleases with her handouts. 
Kolini had a hard time listening to the conversation, trying to come to her sister’s defense and rationalize with Tammy, who is obviously just ready to rumble. All the while, Low sat there silently, sipping his tea, probably wondering if there was a fun romantic comedy on tv…

Asuelu tried to lighten the mood by bringing up the activity of the evening; A White Elephant gift exchange. Tammy and Mother Asuelu loved the idea of getting gifts, even gag gifts, as they laughed loudly about receiving cans of spam and fart spray. Things were going really well, until Asuelu handed Kalani a more serious gift of a baby blanket, which he explained was symbolic of his desire to have a large family. Of course Tammy and Mother Asuelu jumped all over Kalani about not wanting more children, as they screamed and yelled and took their fighting stances. Asuelu, in his Santa hat, eventually grabbed Tammy and his mother, throwing them out of the house as they screamed from the porch “We don’t like you anymore!”, while Kalani cried on the couch. A few minutes later, Low strolled in asking “What the hell is going on??” Someone give this man his late pass…and while you’re at it, just give me the money, it’s all I want.

Big Mike & Julianna’s New Roommate:

The big guy was pacing around the wilderness, distraught about his intense fight last week with his boingy bride. He hadn’t been in touch with Natalie since the dispute, but claimed he wanted to “work on things” (though I thought that’s what they’ve been saying for the last 14 episodes straight….). He phoned in a lifeline, Trish, who readily voiced her opinion that Mike should divorce that “snake in the grass” Natalie and send her packing.
Natalie was at home with her favorite headband enthusiast, Julianna, who consoled her about the fight with Mike. As she listened to Natalie vent, Juliana held her hand, rubbed her leg, stared lovingly into her eyes, and cuddled up next to her in bed. She insisted that Natalie move into her house, as she held her close, resting her head on Natalie’s overly inflated dirty pillows. 
The two best girl friends (or girlfriends?) took a ride back to Squim to pack up all of Natalie’s things. Natalie headed inside with her suitcase to find Mike sitting smugly at the kitchen table. Will this be the final fight before Natalie becomes Mike’s second wife to leave him for another lady? Will Uncle Beau pop out of the shed and steal Julianna’s headband?? Will anyone tell Natalie her purple velvet turtleneck with the squiggly lines looks like the background of a Magiv Eye poster?? Tune in next week….. (P.S. Lucky the rat is still M.I.A.).

Yara & Jovi:
Mother Gwen and Jovi were in the hotel room discussing the fight from last week. Unlike half of the cast, Jovi doesn’t even need a personal psychic because Mother Gwen was there to let him know that calling Yara “lame” and “boring” was a bad idea, and taking her to a strip club was about to get more stupider.
Jovi sat with Yara (and her sideboob) by the hotel pool, discussing their evening plans to reboot their relationship. They agreed on a truce for the night, so they can make the most of the vacation, even though she’s actually a grandma on the inside, and he’s a drunken idiot in the outside.
Yara and Jovi went out to a Russian restaurant in hopes that the comfort foods (and vodka) would loosen her up. Apparently it worked, because only after one round of borscht, she agreed to go to the stripclub together with the stipulation that if she was not having fun, they could leave. Yara tried her best to go with the flow and “make it rain”, but ultimately she ended up fighting with Jovi about the stripper, who was working the pole within earshot of the bickering. As the dancing lady removed more of her clothing, stripping down to nothing more than her thong and bedazzled sexy face mask, Jovi pushed the envelope and blew her a kiss. Of course this infuriated Yara, who had already asked repeatedly to leave, and she smacked him across the face before storming out. (Though this may have been outrageous to the viewers at home, I’m sure it was a regular Wednesday to the exotic dancing associate.) 

Elizabeth & Undrrrrrrei:

The couple had one of their little domestic exchanges over “man” household duties and “woo-man” jobs, before Libs left to have lunch at an authentic Italian-o restaurant with Chuckles. Elizabeth was impressed with Chuckie’s restaurant choice, claiming that she loves “real authentic stuff” (except when it comes to storylines for the show…)
Count Chuckula explained that he sees how Undrrrei is working hard and contributing to the business, and that the issues with his kids stems from their jealousy. Of course this was great news to Libby, who was overjoyed that her dad was warming up to her Moldy husband. Though he now is #teamUndrrrrei, he does want his entire family reunited, so he decided to host a cookout so they could all get together. This is where Dr. Suess steps in and lets Chuck know:

They do not get along in an RV
They do not get along in a winery
They will not will not on a boat
They will not will not with a Moldovan goat
Not at Aunt Sue’s
Not at BBQs
Not in a house
Not with a spouse
They do not get along in any plan 
They do not get along, Chuck I Am!

The Sisters Elizabeth met up privately to talk nasal-voiced smack about Undrrrrei. After agreeing that they could no longer work with their father if Undrrrei was in the picture, the evil stepsisters devised a plan to have their own business collaboration behind Chuck’s back, which would make them direct competitors. They seemed pretty pleased with their sneaky dealings and the drama that would surely unfold at the BBQ from hell next week. 

Brandon & Julia Gulia:

Now that they have their very own dorm room, Brandon and the Mrs. decided to throw themselves a housewarming party with a few friends. Brandon invited Melanie (since their last double date went so well…) as well as his friend A.J. who gets the Julia seal of approval, as he was the one who introduced the couple originally (the details of which are still very confusing to me personally). Melanie and her boyfriend Silent Bob sat awkwardly in the apartment, trying to smooth things over from their last meeting. The crew all stood around the kitchen discussing the couple’s plans to decorate, which in Julia’s mind included a stripper pole and a crib for a baby. Of course this was news to Brandon, who was excited about the pole, but less so about the crib. Melanie, that but-insky, chimed in, telling Julia she should slow her roll, since having a baby can be a game changer (See: “Yara is boring and lame now”). Like any good hostess, Julia told her guest to “stop talking”, before storming off to the bedroom by herself to watch the Lion King for the 7 millionth time. Brandon was left to try and explain her behavior to the guests and clean up their three appetizers. Someone should tell Julia to “Hakuna Matata”. 

Tiffany & Ma’Boy:

Well, they’re back this week, and going to see RonJon’s Uncle, Pastor Paul, for a little marriage counseling. Tiffany plead her case as a single mother, who single handedly changes every poopy diaper and demands more support from her gamblin’ man. She also insists that she and her bare shoulders have been nothing but a blessing in Ronald’s life, and that he should be a better partner. Since Pastor Paul was working on the family discount plan, he gave the discount rate advice, which was that Ronald should change poopy diapers. He also did encourage theme to support each other and stop the criticism, as it’s getting them absolutely nowhere. Unfortunately his words of wisdom lasted approximately 30 seconds, as another explosive fight erupted in the parking lot. Next week looks to be some of Ronald’s douchiest moments of all time, as he attempts to one up Jovi AND Mike for the “Most hated male of the season” contest by women viewers.