Happily Ever After; S6, EP 13

Big Mike & A debatable Hooker:

In Seattle, Natalie is hanging out with her favorite head-band enthusiast, Julianna, as they sat down to discuss her relationship. Natalie explained last week’s fight about how she decided to ditch Mike as her plus one surgery date (which was just the previous week’s fight’s leftovers). Juliana of course sided with Natalie (maybe because she’s a good friend, or maybe because she’s losing circulation from her wearing her headbands like that for weeks), as she blamed Mike’s behavior on his mommy dearest. Natalie described Mike’s relationship with his mother as some traumatic scene out of Dumbo that I couldn’t quite follow….something about tying up an elephant and a magic surprise….  The hype session with Julianna (which was the Ukranian version of “Be strong, Bitch”) inspired Natalie to try and talk with Mike about the Tulsa situation….again.
Once the couple was back together, they strolled around Seattle discussing their issues. All of the sudden, the scene changed, and we saw them on the interview couch where things got heated fast. Natalie brought up hookergate-AGAIN, and Mike finally hit his breaking point. He brought out his phone so Natalie could call Trish on speakerphone to confront her about the H-word. Trish was mad, making it clearly known that Natalie made up the entire “Hooker” comment, and expressed the reason she didn’t like her crazy-eyed daughter in law was because she “didn’t treat Mikey kindly”. Natalie didn’t deny anything, and didn’t really even try to defend herself. She more or less sat on the couch with her famous Glen Close stare. Trish brought up an incident on Christmas Eve, where Natalie started a fight with Mike and proceeded to leave the house with all of the gifts he had gotten for her, only to regift them to Julianna and her family. As this plot point was revealed, the big guy got more and more heated, his face turning a deeper shade of red than usual, as he called Natalie a “grinch” (of course Natalie will most likely spend the next few weeks telling everyone her husband called her a “wench”….). Natalie just sat there, expressionless as she confirmed her actions. Mike issued yet another ultimatum; Either get with the program or get out. I have a feeling Natalie will be moving into Julianna’s house and they’ll be wearing matching BFF headbands in no time. 

Kalani & Asuelu:

There was a cold chill in the air in Utah, as Mother Asulu and Tammy descended upon the region. Asuelu went to their AirBNB to pick them up so they could go lay the smack down on Family Kalani. But before they left the house, Asuelu sat his mother and sister down to try and give them the ground rules to avoid conflict as much as possible. Tammy of course was ready to throw down whenever necessary, as Mama Asuelu kept staring at her son in his puffy jacket, trying to assess which pocket his wallet was in. Luckily Tammy’s kids seemed too obsessed with their iPads to pay attention to what was going on (…..but I don’t care about the kids anyway). Looking forward to the Sam-wa showdown next week!

Yara & Jovi:

The word of the day is: “Bougie”. Every time you see the word “bougie”, scream really loud.

After acting like Jovi was crazy for even suggesting going on vacation and taking time away from the baby, this week we saw Yara packing for whaddaya know……vacation! They decided to head to Miami for the weekend with Mama Gwen in tow to take care of baby Mylah. Yara was so excited for the trip, and wanted to look “bougie” (which I’m guessing means a lot of outfits with jackets resting on the shoulders- Take that, Tiffany!). They headed for their flight, with Yara describing what she imagined Miami to be: “Snoop Dog riding around in a fluffy bougie coat” (She obviously is too young to realize it’s all about Will Smith cruising in his Bentley convertible singing the “Miami” song, while people are eating each other’s faces off while on bath salts, and “Cops” is being filmed in the background. Now THAT’S Miami!). 
When they arrived at the bougie hotel, Yara remarked how much nicer and cleaner Miami seemed to be compared to Louisiana (So clearly they were staying in South Beach). Mama Gwen was officially on babysitting duty as the couple bougied-up to hit the town. As they hopped in the UberXL, Yara instantly fell asleep in her party clothes, snoring and all. She seemed to rally after her powernap, and they were able to enjoy their alone time. Jovi took her to have champagne on a rooftop in the evening, but started getting on her case about how much fun she used to be, pre baby. The two fought and fought until they finally decided to call it a night, so Yara could go back to the hotel and check on the baby. Looks like next week the old Yara returns for a trip to the strip club (but the new Yara may just want to swing by Pollo Tropical and head home to watch Netflix)

Elizabeth & Undrrrrrei:

The Tampa Royalty have returned to their kingdom after the arduous journey to Maryland. The trip seemed to end on a positive note for Chuck and Undrrrei’s relationship, as Chuck agreed to go in with his Moldy son in law on flipping a house. Libby and Undrrrrei showed up to see the property with baby Eleanor, while Elizabeth acted disgusted by the less than perfect site. Chuck met them there to go over the plans, and also stir up some trouble. He admitted that this new partnership was destined to send the other Pottheads into a fit of rage, but agrees to go through with it anyway. Undrrrrei insists that his goal is just to make money (though I’m sure pissing off Jen, Becky and Charlie was just a bonus).
Libby went with Becky and Jen to rent a bounce house for baby Ellie’s 2nd birthday party. After the test-bouncing commenced, the sisters sat down to get real, and discuss….The family business. Jen and Becky said the same thing they’ve been saying for 4 episodes, that they were upset that Undrrrrei was trying to take their commissions. Sounds bougie.
It was finally the day of baby Eleanor’s big birthday party, as the whole gang (minus Charlie) came to celebrate. Jen couldn’t help but make little quips at Undrrrrei, whose presence is just irritating (I can honestly root for no one in this segment. They’re all equally awful in my opinion). It seemed like the party was moving along okay until cake time. Undrrrei didn’t seem to understand the concept of lighting candles and singing “Happy Birthday” before cutting and distributing cake. He insisted on slicing the baby’s cake, all while Libby yelled “Staaah-haaap Omg what are you doing-uh”, until he was finally stopped. Somehow, the sisters Elizabeth took this as a jumping off point to go off on Undrrei about the business- AGAIN and everyone was fighting. Eventually, Jen threw a piece of cake at Undrrrei before storming off with her kids. Chuck seemed to take Undrrrei’s side, which meant that his moldy plan was working beautifully. He then suggested that the family attend a bbq at his house, which I guess will be the next location for more fighting next episode. Hopefully someone will get smacked with a hot dog. (Scratch that- I hope they ALL get smacked with a hot dog).

Brandon & Julia Gulia:
Brandon was packing the couples’ things as it was finally moving day!! (Hopefully Brandon remembered to pack his “Saving for a Lamborghini” piggy bank… he should save up for a yellow one that he can turn into a “Truly Nolen” car to promote his bug smushing career).
Ron and Betty seemed really sad that their baby boy was moving approximately 35 minutes away, tearfully expressing how much they would miss Brandon, and Brandon alone. Julia didn’t seem to have much sympathy for her in-laws, claiming that she would not come back to help on the farm (she pulled a Natalie: She will not keep in touch). 
The next day was moving day, and Julia could hardly contain her excitement. Betty and Ron helped them load up the car and ventured all 35 minutes away to the new place. Julia felt as though Betty was just there for decoration, since she seemed to be the only one not helping. After all of the boxes had been unloaded, Betty and Ron headed out, with Julia making sure to lock the door tightly behind them. The only one I feel bad for was their dog, Simba, who apparently wasn’t allowed to come. I guess they don’t allow dogs in the dorms…

Angela & Michael:

Back in Nigeria, Michael is playing ping pong with the goofballs. He let them know about his reconciliation with Angela over their rousing candle lit bathtub video chat. The goofballs collectively agreed that they could have lived without that mental image, but went on to ask about her new boobs anyway. Michael claimed to still love his wife’s transformation, even though he’s a “big boobs” guy, which he admitted stemmed from his childhood. It seems that Mother Michael breast fed him until he was 9 years old (which to Kalani, may be #Goals). He admitted the lengthy breastfeeding was not a cultural thing, but rather a personal comfort thing (surely comforting for him and not his mother).
Now that the fighting has subsided, Meemaw and Michael’s storyline has gone back to the subject of toting. Michael is determined to go to the fertility clinic to find a way to preserve his “swimmers” so some way somehow, he and Angela could have a baby together. The Goofballs seemed to have a lot of advice in this department letting Michael know that preserving his sperm would involve loving himself in a way he claims to have never loved himself before. Michael claims self fulfillment is against his religion, and he has never partaken in such activities. (Sure, Jan.)
He agrees to go to the sperm doctor but only if he can bring in Angela via satellite in the bath tub for a steamy situation.
Michael video chatted with Angela to let her in on the whole sperm doctor idea. Of course Ang doesn’t want to sit this one out, and is ready to help Michael achieve his goals. Angela of course has no intentions of toting anyone’s egg at this point, especially with her new body, but agreed to humor Michael anyway. I’m assuming we will be hearing things through the door at the doctor’s office next week that will haunt us for eternity.