Happily Ever After; S6, EP 11

Big Mike & Some Hooker:
It’s the morning of Natalie’s big nose job (excuse me, polyp removal surgery), but there’s no way a little surgery could ever get in the way of a good argument. Apparently Natalie and Mike stayed the night before the procedure at a hotel in Seattle, where they fought over “Hookergate” for the millionth time. Eventually Natalie stormed off and took their truck to her warlock friend Julianna’s house where she spent the night. Mike tried calling her phone repeatedly, but without much luck. He had no idea if she was going through with the surgery, and if so, what time it would be taking place (No offense to my 4 male readers, but in fairness, I’m sure she had given him that information and he just didn’t pay attention. He didn’t even know what airline they were flying back on from the Oklahoma dumpsterfire, let us not forget). After realizing he was being “ghosted”, Mike decided to have production drive him around the hospital parking lot to look for Natalie’s blue pickup truck. After spotting “big blue” parked neatly out front, he pulled a move and decided to drive the truck home, which would have left her stranded when she woke up with her new nose. 
But after a few minutes driving back towards Squim, Mike had a change of heart and went back. He received a call from the nurse that Natalie had pulled through the nasal surgery, but unfortunately there wasn’t enough time for the lobotomy.
She hopped in the truck looking somewhat woozy, claiming to already have instantly regained her sense of smell (which may be bad news for Mike’s closet). She gave Mike explicit directions to bring her bag in from the car, followed by her “comfort food” request; Boiled potatoes, canned mushrooms, pickles and parmesan cheese. Mike is feeling a little bit like an underappreciated staff member at this point, as Natalie laughed to herself through her one piece of tape and cotton shoved up her newly arranged nose. Tune in next week to see Mike wearing a sweatband! 

Elizabeth & Undrrrrrrei:
The road trip from hell continues, as the family has moved on from Libby’s heroic toddler staircase rescue and headed into the D.C. area. Libby booked an AirBnB for a few days in a historic area of D.C. which turned out to be way too narrow for an RV the size of the Family Elizabeth tour van. Undrrrrrei made sure to curse profusely in the presence of all of the family’s children yet again, while everyone yelled at each other during the tense moments of navigating the one way streets in the dark. Eventually Undrrrei made the executive decision to high tail it out of the area and Becky’s husband booked hotel rooms 45 minutes down the road, despite the complaining and nasal opinions from the “RVettes” (that’s what I’m calling the three sisters as they whine in unison like some 60s backup singers). When they finally reached their new lodging, Undrrrei grabbed baby Ellie from her car seat, wrapped in a blanket like he was rescuing her from a burning building, carrying her away from the torture bus as he blamed Elizabeth for her poor decision making skills. Jen chimed in with “Literally I can’t, the communication is like omg I can’t”, as Undrrrei unloaded the luggage, making sure to drop it from the rolling cart as he was making chauvinistic comments. It appears for the time being that he has made a man-alliance with Husband Becky, who I’m sure will come to his senses sooner than later. 
After the D.C. debacle, the RVettes had a touch base in the camper to discuss how awful Undrrrrei is, before everyone else joined in and they moved onward towards their destination in Maryland. They arrived that night at Aunt Sue’s house (Chuck’s sister), who greeted them warmly, but was weary of Undrrrei (clearly Charlie had some time to work her over, since he had gotten there first). Aunt Sue is somewhat of a pot-stirrer (or Potthast stirrer, in this case), as she wasted no time asking about the family business. Charlie quickly aired out the dirty laundry, letting Auntie Sue know about Undrrrrrei’s $100k loan request (which we all know he told her about before they arrived). Chuck’s senior father and namesake, Charles, was also in attendance, and weighed in on the business loan scenario, seeming to be against Chuck dishing out the 100k. Charlie of course kept at it, accusing Undrrrei of being a User Moohamit, causing Undrrrrei to unleash the Moldovan fury. Of course this did not sit well with Aunt Suzie Q, who didn’t want the boys fighting in her home, and especially not in front of OG Papa Chuck. Can’t wait to see the two boneheads push each other in the pool next week while the RVettes “shooby-dooby-doowa” from the sidelines in unison. 

Yara & Bonjovi:
Yara and baby Mylah piled into the truck to head to the airport for Jovi’s big homecoming. It appears that Yara had finished out Jovi’s leave at Mother Jovi’s house, and seemed to be feeling much better. The whole family headed off to the airport to retrieve Jovi, who only really cared about reuniting with the baby. Yara seemed genuinely happy, and by that I mean less miserable than usual, even though Jovi’s hair was basically werewolf status after being away for so long. 
The family headed back to the suburbs so Jovi could see his new habitat. He seemed to be okay with the apartment, but the location and lack of bars started to freak him out a bit. Yara was most proud that she got rid of Jovi’s disease-ridden blue sofa during the move, not sure if it had been a crash pad for many a stripper over the years. The reality of his new family life started to hit Jovi like a stripper heel to the head, and it seems like he might have a hard time adjusting. 

Tiffany & Ronald Ma’Boy:
In one last attempt to get his family to stay willingly (before locking them in the blue dungeon) Ronald decided to take them out Christmas tree shopping. Tiffany still wasn’t sure if she was going to stay for the holidays, but Ronald made sure to hype up Daniel about staying in South Africa and spending Christmas together. They went to a really intense Christmas store to look for a tree, where Ronald of course had to have “the best of the best”. Tiffany scoffed over the price tag on the tree, trying to convince Ronald that they should really be more mindful of their spending. Though she was trying to stay practical, she couldn’t resist seeing Daniel get so excited, and eventually agreed to the overpriced décor. The total bill came out to about $700 USD, but luckily Ronald remembered his credit card this time. (Don’t worry, the tree came with a plastic bag for Carley to play with, so bonus.)
Next on the agenda, Ronald maxed out the credit card taking them to finally do something interesting in South Africa; Going to an elephant sanctuary. The family met up with Ronald’s mom, Ria for the excursion. Daniel was having a great time feeding the elephants, while Carley was more of a life sized Cabbage Patch Doll in a stroller. Tiffany sat down alone with Mother Ronald to unload all of her complaints she has about her husband. She felt that Ronald really stepped up his game during this specific outing, giving the appearance that he’s father of the year. Mother Ma’Boy was very articulate, as she explained that Tiffany needed to go easy on Ronald, as he’s still learning how to be a family man. She then offered to take the kids off of Tiffany’s shoulders for the night (and you know how much Tiff likes things off her shoulders..) so they could have some alone time to play with their plastic bags.
The couple went out for dinner together, hoping to reconnect and enjoy some quality time. Over a glass of champagne that she complained about, Tiffany told the world about “special kisses”, which in plain speech 90 Day Fiance, means “boom-boom”. Ronald told Tiffany he finds her to be a very picky person, and wishes she could just settle for the mediocrity in her drink choices as well as spousal choices. He didn’t appreciate the fact that Tiffany discussed their personal issues with his mom, especially because he’s the “man of the bunker” and should be treated with more respect. Tiffany feels as though Daniel is much better at communicating than her husband, which is totally wrong…. Daniel’s actually much better at communicating than both of these hookers. The dinner seemed to be going South (African) quickly, with Ronald eventually walking off. It would have been more interesting if someone got attacked by a lion, or hyena, or SOMETHING. Please, let’s have more South Africa outings, before we have to get locked in the bunker.

Kalani & Asuelu:
The couple went to a car dealership to look for a new car to replace the one Asuelu totaled in his fender bender a few episodes ago. Asuelu described his “must haves” in a car much like a two year old; “Big car, Big wheels, I like car”, etc. Kalani laughed and joked about the olden days when they were courting in Sam-wa, and she used to play cute games to get him to keep from speeding, like twisting his family jewels every time he went 20 mile over (easy access when he was wearing his lavalava). Ah, the memories….
Once they reached the car lot, Asuelu seemed to be really feeling drawn to the used minivan, even though Kalani tried to get him to go the hybrid route. He explained that the minivan would be more useful, since he planned on having another baby (which would be a miracle, now that we know about Kalani’s little speeding game). Kalani was not into the idea of having another baby anytime too soon ,especially because she has a hard enough time breastfeeding her two kids let alone Asuelu. They went back and forth about their family planning in front of the car salesman, with Kalani getting the last word about it ultimately being her decision because she would be the one carrying a baby in her vagina (a medical phenomenon). 
Later at home, Asuelu felt it was important to teach his sons the way of Sam-wan dancing (my favorite), which ultimately resulted in Oliver twerking. Kalani held up the ipad so Mother Asuelu could watch the father/son dance off via Facetime. Of course being on a call with Mother Asuelu was awkward for Kalani, who still hadn’t recovered from their epic fight in Washington. In an attempt to form a new storyline to lay the groundwork for more fighting, Asuelu tells his mother about Kalani’s opposition to carrying another baby in her vagina, knowing this would get her all riled up (which is ironic, since she doesn’t care about the kids). Mother Asuelu announced that she was going to make a visit for the holidays and was bringing her little elf, Tammy with her to say “Season’s Beatings!”. Can’t wait to watch the entire family throw down while wearing onesie pajamas.

Brandon & Julia Gulia:
Brandon and Julia leave farm and I go Richmond for apartment (man, autocorrect doesn’t appreciate when I speak Julia!). The couple invited Betty and Ron to come check out their new apartment, holding off from telling them that they actually had gone ahead and signed a lease.  Ron and Betty checked the place out, making sure to call out any obvious issues they saw, such as the fact that the apartment was on the 6th floor with no fire escape and only 1 functional window. After they were done nitpicking, Brandon dropped the news about the lease and that they would be moving in a few weeks. Ron and Betty were shocked, being that they never signed a permission slip. Brandon did feel slightly bad for dropping this bombshell on them, since they hadn’t yet found anyone else to take their places helping around the farm. Betty felt like Brandon was only making these decisions to try and keep Julia happy, and was probably secretly hoping he would change his mind and come back home. 

Angela & Michael:
Ang was tidying up the homestead when Skyla entered, and the two began to discuss the ongoing drama with Michael. Skyla let her mom know that Michael had been calling her phone incessantly trying to get in touch with Angela, who claimed the bulk of their drama was due to Michael’s lack of communication and sympathy throughout her surgeries. All of the stress got Angela jonesing for her smokes, even causing her to smoke inside (I hate when Michael makes me do that!). Angela answered Michael’s facetime chat, yelling, as Michael tried to assert himself without much luck. Angela yelled and made sure to use her signature taglines about “being an American” (which, honestly, seemed scripted), as Michael laughed at her and fought back. Eventually Angela hung up on her long distance lover, and I’m sure it’s safe to bet she smoked a few extra packs.